Teenage Times and Rhyming Crimes

[Daydream]

Teenage Times and Rhyming Crimes​

My little poetry thread type thing. I've been writing a lot more poetry than I used to and so I thought it might be nice to gather other people's thoughts on it. That's' about it really.

These are posted in chronological order (or should be) and will have a little description or explanation type thing attached if I feel it's necessary.

Indecision:

Spoiler:

So stubborn, I was convinced that I could.
So alone, that happening, never thought it would.

Should I go back, prove them right?
Shall I continue? And fight?

It's clear, the choices are two.
Go home, have friends, a "crew."
Or stay here. Where I'll be,
Writing poetry beneath a tree.

Should I go back, to where I'm loved?
Shall I stay, pushed aside, shoved?

It gets cold. I move to the café.
Serious doubt. Don't think I'll stay.
I'm served, intrigued by the woman's happy refrain,
She's pushed in even uncertainty, again.

My music quietly plays, I drink cappuccino,
A friend texts, should I ask him? What would he know?

My pen drops down.
No writing for a bit.
A boy comes in, no free tables.
Next to me, he doesn't sit.

Should I go or should I stay?
Can't decide. My pad is put away…

I return to this poem, a month has gone by.
I made the decision to leave… I pause here – sigh.

It wasn't right,
This choice I've made.
I'm filled with regret,
But now all the cards are played.​

Written at a point in my life where I was making a decision whether or not to stay at college (college in England isn't University - the qualifications are what I assume are High School level in the US) and after a month or so, realising I regretted it. I've since changed my mind, as you'll see in the tone of my other following poetry.

Sugar Rush:

Spoiler:

…Happy!
Energy, excitement!

Ah, what a feeling…
Can't describe the meaning.
But it's good!

Where it came from?
No idea… It just
bubbled up!
Through the veins,
through the legs,
the arms,
the fingers,
the toes!

Like a sweet
sugar rush,
cheeks aglow
a happy flush
an excited dance
a merry prance
crazy run
lots of fun
never outdone

And then…
The crash and falling down,
just to sit for a while.
But now you're comfortable…
Why move?​

Somewhat different to my usual style it was just kind of an... On the spot experimental thing?

Heart Jump:

Spoiler:

If he took my hand,
I'd jump.
If he took my hand,
He'd make my heart thump.

It's not fair,
That you're so far away.
It's not fair,
Just be here, stay.

When he takes my hand,
I'll jump.
When he takes my hand,
My heart will thump.

We won't rush,
Too sensible for that.
We won't rush,
Something to work at.

I hope you'll take my hand,
And make my heart thump.
I hope you'll take my hand,
Let's get ready to jump.​

I wrote this as I was realising I was starting to fall for someone. It's a bit unrefined but it was more meant to be expressive.

Belong:

Spoiler:

In my heart,
there was a space,
an empty part,
you made it race.
I finally found,
someone to love,
when you're around,
nothing's above.
We fit so right,
it's like a song.
In your arms tonight,
where I belong.​

This one, short and simple. When I realised I had fallen for said person mentioned above.

Any criticisms or advice would be really useful, even if it's only telling me why you like/dislike a particular poem.

 

[TJgamer]

Indecision seems to be different than most other poems, and in a very good way. I can't really describe why, but I just enjoyed it very much.
Sugar Rush was quite a successful experiment I must say.
Heart Jump - No comment.
Belong - No comment.

 

[Binary]

Indecision
I enjoyed the rhyming pattern in your first poem, and your word usage is good, not too repetitive and bland. But I might've swapped in some of the words for others that would fit the profound emotion. It fits your situation, and that instantaneous rush of emotions to the head. Not much else to say here.

Sugar Rush
The conclusions to most of my experiments turn out pretty bland, but I actually quite like what you did in Sugar Rush. It sets a pretty fast rhythm while reading, and really does get the reader to feel almost the same rush of emotions as in the poem.

Heart Jump
The last stanza concides pretty well with the first. And it's like the poem has choruses, but they depict the meaning differently. Despite the amount of repetitive words, I like the poem. It's like a dart of affectionate emotions, recollected in leisure.

Belong
I like the rhyming pattern in this one too. But some of the words just seem to fall out of place for me. Sacrificing meaning for rhymes that convey so little isn't good. I'd much more like to see natural and depictive rhyme. Not all the sentences are like that though. Overall, I like the poem.

All of them are great and I'd like to see more, since it's always nice to see other peoples' poetry and gain some inspiration, because it's what I've been lacking at the present moment. And there's always room for improvement.