Temptations Eyes!

[Arcanine Fan 101]

Hey guys gals this is about a little girl and pokemon.Thats all I can say.

Chapter 1,A start!
I walk out into the sun of a fresh new day.As I walk to my mom's lab I wonder if she'll let me play or mabey even get a pokemon!As I walk up the stairs I wonder whats up for grabs today.I walk in and head to the middle door on the right.I ask my mom "If I can have a pokemon?" She replies "Sure,why not my dear Sunmo." I ask "Whats up for grabs today?" She says "A Eevee,Torchic,and a Swinub today." I say "Do you have a special one for me mommy?" she says "yes.A rarley seen pokemon here its a Shiny Eevee."
I say "I'll take it!" "Here ya go dear.".I leave when my frien Geoy walks in. I ask "Wanna come with me on my journey Geoy?" Geoy says "Sure,Let me get an Eevee." I yell back to my mom to throw an Eevee to Geoy.She does.He catches it and we leave togeather hand in hand.As we leave town and head to route 1 I spot an Oddish!I send out my Shiny Eevee named Evo.I tell Evo to use Quick attack on Oddish.It hits!I then throw a pokeball hoping to catch it.It goes ping!I walk over and say "Yes!I'll name you Oddy." We leave as we get on route one Geoy says we should have a picknick.

Chapter 1 is over!​

Chapter 1 Review.
Sunmo and Geoy:"image removed"
Pokemon:Mine:Shiny Eevee,Oddish.Geoys:Eevee normal.

 

[Karasuma]

Cool. I give it a 10/10. keep going.

 

[Arcanine Fan 101]

Ok.I'll put chapter 2 up later.

 

[Lily]

Can you say Mary Sue? ;.;?! (I can! "Mary Sue" 8D lawl i'm hilarious ??)

Please read a fanfiction writing guide or something. Chapter One, regardless of our different length ideas, should not be this short. :33; ~

You're starting out too hastily. Mom conveniently has perfect pokemon despite whatever unknown complications there may be (and a SHINY one), character finds perfect companion, perfect companion conveniently gets an Eevee (although not shiny, but who cares. An eevee's an eevee), character catches first pokemon right away (in less than three lines or so), and..and...get a spell checker if you can, also someone who can beta read. A beta reader is someone who basically revises your work before it's posted.

Please try again. =S ;_;