[Pokémon] The Adventures of Helen and Junior

[Neelh]

Chapter 1: Team Rocket!!! Uh... What do we do now?

Helen stood on a giant boulder in her new Team Rocket uniform. She thought she looked mature, feminine, and hot, but really, she just looked stupid. Beside her, her best friend and partner, Junior was laughing his head off. She whipped his favourite spoon out of his pocket and poked him in the back with it. He immediately reflexed, his arms almost ttng his face. A second later, his arms fell down. Then went up again. hen down. Up. Down. Up. Eventually Helen got bored of her little game. She slipped the spoon back into Junior's pocket. He turned around suddenly.

"Where did that stupid Pokemon go?" he asked suddenly.

Helen looked around. It was nowhere to be seen. "I'll go look for it... Her... Whatever."

She threw her favourite Pokeball in the air, and it landed on the ground.

"Quilava!" Fiero growled. It saw Helen, and jumped onto her.

"Hey!" she shouted.

Fiero jumped off her.

"Can you help me find that darn puffy thingy?" she asked it.

Fiero scampered off into the bushes and Helen followed it.

Junior sat down on the bouder. There was nobody around, he knew. That was the reason Helen let out Fiero instead of her other Pokemon. He belived it was a Pidgeotto. Sandie, if he recalled correctly. He now felt... Lonely. There was only one thing for it.

"Gangstachu, GO!"

Back in the bushes, Helen was very scratched. She wondered if she had any hair left, or if her glasses were still on her face. Ah well. She would find that puffy thing, no matter what!

"Piiikaaaa... CHU!" Gangstachu yelled. It sat in front of Junior, in it's leather jacket, leather pants, and ripped white T-Shirt. Around it's neck, there were plenty of chains and bling. It had pierced ears and a gold tooth. It bobbed its head happily to a rhythm only it could hear. Junior sighed.

"For the final time, it's Gangstachu, not Pikachu!"

"Pika Pi?"

Helen jumped with excitement. They had emerged from the bushes, and her hair and glasses were still intact! But when she realised where they'd emerged, she was NOT happy. It was a nursery school. However, there was a girl sitting in the playground hugging a very familier Pokemon...

"Igglybuff! Iggly, Igglybuff!"

"I wub you Ijillywuff! You'll haf lots of fwiends at home! I haf a Jigglypuff, a Wigglytuff, a Higglywuff, a Sigglyshuff, a Digglyshush, and a Wishilyluff!"

"Hey!" Helen shouted, leaping in front of the little kid. "That's MY Igglybuff you got there!"

"Yeah?" the little girl asked.

"Yeah!"

"Pwove it!"

"Fiero, come here!" Helen called. "Fiero? FIERO!!!"

It strutted in without a care in the world. Igglypuff pulled itself away from the little girl to greet Fiero with a hug and a kiss. Igglybuff then sat on Fiero's back and they rode out happily. The little girl started crying.

"Who awe you?" she screamed. "Stop trying to kill me, PWEASE! STOOOP!!!!"

The nursery teacher rushed to her side. "What?" She then looked up, and saw a kind-of spotty teenager with long, blonde hair and a pair of huge glasses on her nose. She had an orange hair bobble around her wrist and a mood ring on her thumb. But the most noticable thing was a big orange 'R' on her black shirt. She screamed.

"Team Rocket!"

Helen looked puzzled. "You KNOW who we are? Damn!"

The teacher pulled a Pokeball out of her tabard pocket. "Eevee, go!"

Helen jumped. She thought that all teachers had common, boring Pokemon, like the class Pidgey that Sandie used to be friends with at hers and Junior's old school. But now, she was by herself, against a super-powerful Eevee!

"Damn damn damn damn!" Helen muttered. She searched around her bag as the Eevee started circling her. There was her Pokedex which was possibly the oldest thing ever, seeing as it only had 151 Pokemon. Then there was her lunchbox Her stomach rumbled. There was her pink bottle! She would battle with that! She pulled it out.

"Bockle, go!"

The little kid pulled it towards her, until Helen snatched it back.

"That didn't work. Let's see..."

Then she remembered! Sandie! She could battle with her! She pulled out the Pokeball and threw it.

"Sandie!"

The Pidgeotto flew out, literally. Helen smiled. This was going to be a difficult battle.

"Sandie, use Sand Attack!"

"Eevee, Metronome!"

Helen cussed. Eevee could end up using the greatest move ever, like Twister!

"Sandie, use Agility to avoid it! DARN YOU EEVEE!!!"

Next second, Sandie was lying on the floor. Helen recalled it quickly.

"I'm gonna have to battle by myself!" she cried.

"You could just give up." the teacher said calmly.

Helen looked appaled. "Never!"

She slapped the Eevee hard. She punched the teacher in the face, and then tried to hit the little kid. But... She was just... Cute. She kneeled down beside the child.

Helen murmured to the kid. "When Officer Jenny or whoever comes, then say that I slapped you just as I did Eevee and your teacher. But it's wrong to steal. Which is why I do it. But don't tell anyone this one last thing. You'd make a great member of Team Rocket someday."

She then left as quickly as possible.

Junior recalled Gangstachu just as Fiero came with Igglybuff. Where was Helen? Darn it. She'd died agin, hadn't she? But as soon as he thought that, a blonde mess was making it's way through the bushes. Damn damn damn. She'd lost a battle on the way.

When she'd arrived, she shook her head. "As soon as we leave, we are going to a Pokemon Centre. Don't ask."

She recalled Fiero and picked Up Igglybuff.

"Iggly Iggly!" it said happily.

"Well," Junior grinned. "Time for our first brief from The Boss."

"Not my first briefs though." Helen muttered.

 

[Ruin Maniac]

To be honest, I don't have a clue what's going on here. i think you seriously need to review your writing techniques before you think of posting a new chapter, or even carrying on with the story at all.

First off, there's your grammer and punctuation. You need ot learn how to spell and arrange your sentences before you write.

The, there's the fact that this story makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER! Where is the story meant to be going. Is she a Rocket rising through the ranks to eventually become the leader, or is Helen just going to be a regular old Grunt, dedicated to beating a couple of "twirps". All there was in this chapter was a search for an Igglybuff and an awful description of a pokemon battle.

Next off, the pokemon battle. This also made no sense whatsoever. Since when was twister super strong? You should've said something like Hyper beam, or explosion. One minute Eevee was using Metronome and next Pidgeotto was on the floor.

If I were you, i'd get Astinus to lock this thread, re-think your story and hire a beta-reader to check it through for you, otherwise you're never going to get anywhere!!!

 

[JX Valentine]

One of the things that throws me off about this story is that it feels like you're trying to be funny – like, actually to the point of forcing the humor. There are moments where there's things that come right out of the blue and aren't explained, and I get the feeling you meant to have them be funny just on the virtue of being random. Unfortunately, what this ends up doing instead is make it feel like these things are coming out of the blue. For example:

She whipped his favourite spoon out of his pocket and poked him in the back with it. He immediately reflexed, his arms almost ttng his face. A second later, his arms fell down. Then went up again. hen down. Up. Down. Up. Eventually Helen got bored of her little game. She slipped the spoon back into Junior's pocket. He turned around suddenly.

This is the majority of the first paragraph. We're assuming first that Junior is human (because there's nothing to suggest that he isn't), so we have no idea what the spoon is supposed to signify. It just comes out of the blue. Not to mention it's a rather average occurrence. I mean, he moves his arms up and down when she pokes him with his favorite spoon. The only remotely funny thing about this part of the scene is the fact that he's got a favorite spoon, and even then, he doesn't react in a way that indicates it's his favorite (which would probably have added a bit more humor to it). Then, after everything's done, he just gets up and pretends that entire scene didn't happen, leaving the readers to wonder just what is going on.

The problem with this kind of humor is that all it does is make the reader feel like it's out of place. It's not ridiculous enough to be funny, and it doesn't actually add to the story. It's just sort of there to act as filler for a potentially interesting story. Because, hey, the concept of following a bunch of members of Team Rocket – who aren't named Jessie and James – as if they're supposed to be the good guys has a lot of potential to be interesting. It follows characters on their journey to be evil, and if this couple is anything like J&J, it has the potential to be hilarious because they'd probably fail in every way imaginable. However, if you drown this with filler and stuff that falls short of Python-esque humor (and I'm looking at Gangstachu and the pink bottle as well), what you're left with is a bunch of readers who are wondering just where the story might be.

On top of that, your description could use a little work. For example, you wait until the teacher looks up to describe Helen on any level. Considering you're not really trying to keep Helen's appearance a surprise, it would be better if you described Helen as soon as she came into the fic to help readers imagine what she looks like and what's going on. For example, when you mention the fact that she looks stupid in her uniform (something you actually shouldn't do anyway because it doesn't give the reader a clear image of what she looks like), you could tell the reader why by offering a bit of description right there.

For another example, the battle. Battles in a Pokémon fic are generally supposed to be exciting because they're the basis of the franchise. As in, no matter what happens in a fic, it's given that there's going to be some battling going on or otherwise some way to show off Pokémon moves because that's what most people do with Pokémon: showing an audience they can attack. Here, you just mention the attack by name but not what's going on. You don't show the reader, for example, the Pidgeotto kicking up sand or Eevee waggling its... whatever and magically producing a miniature tornado. As a result, your readers can't picture what's going on, and they're not entirely inclined to feel as if they're right there, watching things happen. You've succeeded as a storyteller if your readers can envision a scene in their heads; you fall short if they're drawing a blank.

Yes, all of the moves you're using also appear in the games, but the thing is that the games are straightforward when it comes to battling. You can use Dig in an ocean battle if you really wanted to because the games don't really take into consideration the environment. However, fanfic battles do. For example, you could have that Twister sweep up Helen as well as her Pidgeotto to result in some extra arm of the plot. You could have kids wandering onto the battlefield (which might be an advantage for a Team Rocket member, considering Rockets don't believe in playing by the rules). You could have a lot of other things going on, just because of the way the battlefield is, and because of this, moves need to be described in detail so your reader can match up what's going on to the setting of the match.

(As a side note, Eevee can't learn Metronome. Don't give your Pokémon moves they can't learn, especially if you can't describe them using said moves. Remember to look up Pokémon in an online 'dex like Veekun, Bulbapedia, or Serebii to double-check what you're giving them. Otherwise, you inadvertently invoke a WTF moment in your readers as they try to figure out how this Pokémon is using a move that just isn't compatible with them.)

Other than that, remember to proofread. There were numbers of times where you forgot to punctuate a sentence or where you misspelled a word. For example:

his arms almost ttng his face

Hitting? Touching? This Town Needs Guns?

Overall, it's readable, but it feels like nothing's going on because there's so many random occurrences and so little detail that it's hard to tell what's filler and what's actually there for plot reasons. Be careful. You've got a potentially interesting idea, but you've got to step away from the random forced humor to make it work and have it be funny.

 

[Neelh]

I don't ever try to be fnny. This was all the workings o my serious writing. I suck at writing battles, and if you just wrote 'This is bad, this is bad, this is bad', and don't gve me any good points, then maybe I'll just think 'OK, what does Junior see in this website, I'll just go back to somewhere where I can actually be appreciated and have people like me.'

I'm leaving here. Nobody appreciates me. It happens everywhere except BZP, where I am given constructive critisism nd people enjoy reading my work. So, yeah. This site sucks.

 

[Astinus]

and if you just wrote 'This is bad, this is bad, this is bad', and don't gve me any good points, then maybe I'll just think 'OK, what does Junior see in this website, I'll just go back to somewhere where I can actually be appreciated and have people like me.'

But she didn't just say "This is bad. Leave here forever." Jax pointed out what you did wrong and some ways to improve. Like your battle writing. She said that you should try showing the Pokemon attacking.

Since you decided to leave the site, I'll just close this then so that things don't escalate.