The Airs of Nek

Drakkon

The AuraPrince
  • 5
    Posts
    14
    Years
    Hello everyone... This is a sideproject compare to most of my stories, more of a open-ended test of my abilities... It does contain a romance unlike most of my stories, and the main character may seem like a "Gary Stu", but considering his skillset being an assassin, it is justified...

    My hopes now are that: 1. It is enjoyed; and 2. I actually can put original stuff up...
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    Chapter I


    Thin mists swirled around the ports of Nichikami no Kawa, a small outpost on the banks of the Nagaka River, shrouding the entry of a thin, cloaked man, who seemed to step forth from thin air.

    The strange man's robes were a deep black lined with faded gold string, and on his back was sheathed a thin, but extremely sharp katana that reflected the lucid full moon as he swiftly unsheathed and readied it. The person then proceeded to take down his hood, revealing that he was in fact just an adolescent boy that looked about fifteen years of age.

    He then cracked a smile as his youthful face shined in the raw moonlight, and he began to comb his short, well-cared-for hair, which glimmered brightly in its natural fusion of emerald and sapphire with every stroke of the boy's hand.

    His golden-brown eyes focused on the sleeping town before him as he said in wonder, "So this is the local shrine of the Kami is? Such a quiet place for a quest such as mine… Well, no matter then… I will resume my quest tomorrow, and those who attempt to interfere in my redemption will face swift extermination…"

    However, as he finished his monologue, he noticed a young girl about his age getting pursued by a duo of drunken men who looked the part of corsairs.
    Instinctively, he stealthily made his way to the drunken fools as they were about to corner the poor girl and sneered in annoyance, "By the swift Orochikawa, I shall defeat you, vermin of the seas!"

    The two men looked very insulted and clumsily unsheathed their two scimitars as they charged, or in this case, stumbled, towards the mysterious boy.
    However, the boy showed remarkable skill as he evaded the attacks of the corsairs and then counterattacked with a swift slash to both, leaving a deep, mortal wound on both that continued to bleed profusely as they collapsed, suddenly sober and now also in agony as their blood painted the sand below a bright carmine red while they died slowly and painfully.

    The boy walked up to the still-frightened girl and said soothingly, "Don't worry anymore. Those cruel men have tasted the business end of my katana and will not trouble you anymore."

    The girl said, calmed by the boy's kind words and actions, "Thank you… My name is Shizumi Ryuma… May I ask who you are?"

    The boy responded, blushing from embarrassment, "I am Shita Asamura, Avenger of the River Snake spirit, Orochikawa, bane of corsairs and patron spirit of stealth. Although you are welcome for my aid, I regret to say that I must be on my way now…"

    Shizumi stared at Shita in her sorrow and her deep blue gaze made Shita feel something he had not felt for a while. He did not want to leave, although he knew he had to if he was to be at the shrine at dawn.

    Shita then realized what he must do, and walked up to Shizumi and stared into her eyes, whispering then so softly that the world seemed to stop around them, "Meet me by the docks under the next moon, and there with you I will stay…" Shita then proceeded to lean down and kiss Shizumi, filling him with ecstasy. However, when Shizumi opened her eyes, Shita was nowhere to be found, though his message was resounding in her mind as she made her way back to her home.
    ------------------------------------------------------
    Pondering whether the events of the last night was a dream or not, Shita made his way up the wide stairway leading to the Nagaka Shrine. As he reached the top, he was greeted by the master monk Qao-mara, and Shita proceeded to meditate, whispering in prayer, "Oh, swift Orochikawa, please give me guidance on how this shrine is important to my quest for redemption. I just don't see the need to travel to this shrine of every possible one…"

    Suddenly, waters from the nearby pond formed a serpentine figure which then responded sinisterly to Shita in a resounding tone, "Patience, my child… Let me tell you why I brought you here… A young noble girl by the name of Shizumi Ryuma, who I know you have met, seems to be in deep peril… As we speak, a major corsair crew under the banner of the blackguard Zikios, the Ghost Blade, is planning to kidnap and hold Shizumi for a king's ransom. However, your mission is to thwart the corsairs' plan and, should events come to it, bring me back the head of Zikios as well. As for now, I suggest you alert the Ryumas of the impending assault on their daughter's security, which as you saw last night, is not well-staffed enough…"

    Shita nodded in understanding, despite still being confused about his deity's sudden appearance before him. However, he knew what he must do and made his way to the ward of House Ryuma. As he reached the gate, he told the guard of his situation and was promptly allowed access. However, he was met by none other than Shizumi herself, who had overheard the entire dilemma and was just standing there in shock of such a thing happening to her, but she calmed herself enough to lead Shita to her parents who, upon hearing what Shita knew about their daughter's possible kidnapping, showed signs of intense fear and anxiety, but their mood was quickly changed to hope when Shita confidently vowed to destroy the scum who dared to try such a vile act. Shita then said confidently, "Shizumi, follow me… We must force your potential abductors into more optimal ground for us to launch a great enough blow to their assault forces for them to give up on holding you for ransom altogether."

    Shizumi nodded in understanding and then whispered back, "You being here confirms my nightmares… I saw a scarred man in dark-grey plate armor fighting against you, and he knocked your blade out of your hand and…"

    Shita then interuppted in slight annoyance, "And what? What happened to me?"

    Shizumi responded meekly, "I don't know… The dream ended there…"

    Shita asked in concern as he noticed that Shizumi seemed a bit dazed, "Are you all right?"

    Shizumi responded in sorrow, "Not really… Ever since about two years ago, my dreams have predicted truths… In addition, when my emotions rage, my surroundings seem to shatter from my anger or stress… What is happening to me?!"

    Shita knew exactly what was happening, but he couldn't bear to tell her that she had natural, but extremely untamed, psionic talents in fear that she might think herself completely unstable. However, he did state calmly, "This is probably a phase of your maturing into adulthood… It will either pass or become manageable…"

    Shizumi then calmed down and said, her cheeks still wet with tears, "Really?! Will my torment actually pass or are you just saying that to lift my sorrow? I guess either way I should take your word because my heart is screaming so."

    Shita smiled back and said, "Then follow your heart… It is the only thing that ever rings true… However, we seem to have company."

    Just then, a trio of corsairs popped out and one of them, obviously the leader of the three by the differentiated colors in his garb, snarled, "Hand over the lady now or we will be forced to kill you!"

    Shita glared at the corsair and responded as he readied his blade, "By the will of Orochikawa, your blood will flow like the river as I sever your flesh with my blade! Prepare yourself, for the lady Shizumi will not be abducted on my watch!"
     
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    A few side tips, and I hope you don't mind me being blunt here.

    1. When posting writing online, you'll want to hit the enter key twice between each paragraph so that a line of space appears between each one. The reason why is because when you post your work on the internet, in most cases (like this board), indentations will be stripped, even if you try to edit them in. As a result, what you get out of it is a massive wall of text, and for some readers (yours truly included), having no easy separation between lines makes text on a screen hard to read. (For example, I end up rereading lines or skipping lines if my eyes don't just cross.)

    2. Times New Roman + default font size of the boards + italics = not exactly the easiest font to read to begin with. It's readable, but it's not as easy on the eyes as regular verdana. This is why it's the default for board systems.

    In other words, yeah, it's best to make your fic as easily readable as possible so everyone can enjoy what you're writing. You can do this just by leaving off the font tags and making sure your work is spaced out properly. If you decide to take my advice about spacing ("if" here because both bits of advice are completely optional), I'll be happy to give you a full review. b)'')b

    3. As a heads up, for a character to be a Gary Stu, the entire universe has to go out of its way to make him seem awesome, make him angsty, make the right people fall in love with him, or some combination thereof. As in, it's not just that the character is going along with the story. It's that every single thing that happens in that story does so just to make him seem special. Or, in simpler terms, the entire fic seems like it's about the character being special, rather than a certain series of events that the character just happens to be a part of. With that in mind, no, there's no justification for a Gary Stu, but I wouldn't worry too much about that if you agree that the universe isn't meant to center on one character.

    So, yes. As I've said, I'll have to hold off on a full review because of the troubles I have with the spacing, but feel free to tap me for one later.
     
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    Ok, thanks for the feedback... The main problem I have with spacing is the word doc confuses me spacing-wise at times, but it is not that much to fix...
     
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