The Fact Still Stands

[GodofPH]

WARNING: This is a heavily anti-abortion poem. If you are pro-abortion, you most likely wouldn't care for reading this poem.

The Fact Still Stands

You blamed it on the party; you blame it on those guys.

The fact still stands you made me, that still underlies.

You found out I was coming, this you couldn't bear

You were so young; you couldn't have me there.

What would they say, what would they think?

Are you regretting that extra drink?

You did what you did, of me you were rid.

It's all behind you now, life moves on.

Your days keep going, I never saw dawn.

Who could I have been, what could I have done?

Be a fireman? A cowboy? Hit a home run?

Its over now, that I agree.

But still, you murdered me. . .

 

[~Ozy~]

What Went Wrong: Your rhyme and rhythm are horribly awkward. This is a perfect example of altering the poem to fit the imaginary strictures you have placed on it. This is best exemplified by line two in which you either leave a thought either incomplete or you make the wording awkward for the sake of your rhyming. Line two, though, is simply the most glaring example of this. Also, line six breaks the shakey rhythm you had and draws the reader out of the poem. Persona poems are also particularly tricky to make effective because of the limited means to allude to meaning instead of directly stating it. In an emotional form of expression, such as poetry allusion is always more effective.

What Went Right: Hmmm... I'm truly sorry, but there's little I can find here to truly like. I might agree with it ethically but that cannot interfere with my judgement as a critic.

How To Improve: Rewrite it entirely. Pick a different point of view, don't be so afraid to step outside your imagined stricture of rhyme and meter, utilize stronger images and DEFINATELY try to be less direct.

Mechanics: 4

Fluidity: 1

Poetic Devices: 1

Originality: 2-3

Overall Score: 2

 

[GodofPH]

^ Hmmmm, thank you for tell me what was wrong with it. I'll have to keep some of those things you mentioned in mind if I ever feel like rewriting this poem.

 

[Sakura~]

I really liked the concept of abortion you put in here...it's a nice perspective, hearing it from the departed child. One thing you could improve is your rhythm...like ~Ozy~ mentioned, the beats were kind of awkward to read as I repeated some of the lines outloud. I thought it started out great, regarding those first two lines, but from there, I couldn't keep a straight rhythm anymore, so that was my biggest problem. ^_^; Still, I like your style, and you should definitely rewrite this one day. Good luck!


~M ♡