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[Pokémon] The Gem Dynasty Episode 1: The Gecko Story

NeonGeaso

Neon
  • 31
    Posts
    12
    Years
    This story takes place after the pokewar that devastated the regions on Kanto and Jhoto. But This chapter has the story of what came to be as the Gecko Empire.
    Ten years ago: A colony of Treeckos and Grovyles gave birth to a different colored Treecko. They called it the Stilio and he was given all rights as a perfect little Treecko. As he grew up he became spoiled and treated with anything he wanted. One day he finally evolved to a Grovyle, then he had a huge personality change, he demanded everything and didn't take no for an answer. if they disobeyed, he'd attack them with moves that the colony thought was not possible. He Singed them with a DragonBreath, and then gruesomely stabbed them to death with its sharp blade. The king of the colony decided to banish him indefinitely for his horrible behavior. it was safe for 6 years....
    One day the colony prepared a festival for the crowning of the new King, who was going to be The destructive Grovyle, but was banished. This Grovyle had a Sassy personality and thought of great ideas for the colony. However This was about the time when trainers roamed this huge region, and two Humans arrived to the village with these balls of red and white and one of them threw out a Quilava and the colony went running as the foolish humans set the place ablaze. Out of the fire came a colored Grovyle and saw the Humans on the ground coughing and screaming at one another. He looked side to side and Grinned a malicious Grin. The Quilava was on the ground staring down the Grovyle waiting for it to make a move. As the humans realized what was happening another foolish decision was made. The second human sent out a Clauncher and it used water pulse on the forest, but not only did it make the fire go down it accidentally hit the Quilava and it fainted instantly. The Grovyle just continuously stared down as he revealed a red stained blade from his back and used Razor Wind and sent the humans flying into the fire. the two pokemon watched as the humans burned and they rushed into action....
    As the years passed he commanded the colony to be in his debt forever, or else. Also he evolved into a Sceptile with a fully red blade in his arsenal just in case anyone tried to disobey him. He vowed to keep everyone out or so help him everyone will die from his wrath. But the one thing he does not realize is that a certain cotton ball is on the move to destroy his Empire, But with what intentions?
     
    I'm sorry, but this chapter is too short for my tastes. I'm going to have to restrict you from posting further updates until this one is made longer.

    The biggest concern I'm having is your attention to detail, and by that, I mean there is none. There's no description, and you're telling us the tale. Have you ever heard of showing vs telling? Well, instead of telling us what happens in the story, show us. Here's a nice little article I recently read on the subject, and I think it's pretty helpful:
    https://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/there-are-no-rules/showing-vs-telling-in-your-writing

    There are a few mistakes in your writing as well.
    if they disobeyed, he'd attack them with moves that the colony thought was not possible.
    Remember to start off each sentence with a capital.

    He Singed them with a DragonBreath, and then gruesomely stabbed them to death with its sharp blade.
    A couple things here, I'm not sure why you decided to capitalize "Singed". The other thing is when you used "its". You've already identified the Grovyle as male, so I'm not sure why you decided to go with the gender-less article here.

    it was safe for 6 years....
    Again, with the capital letter at the beginning of the sentence.

    I'm not going to quote all of the mistakes, but you have a lot of random capital letters that shouldn't be there. I would recommend giving this a thorough read-through and smoothing those wrinkles out.

    Like I said before, I want you to work on this some more before you continue. It might be a lot of work, but writing isn't easy, and I want some real effort put into these fics. If you need any help, I'm always willing to lend a hand. Good luck.
     
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