The good-bad girl

[Kishijoten]

Poem: The good-bad girl

The good, the bad, the girl faces
her new challenge in becoming the
good girl. She hates it and wants
to reject the quest, but the reward
in the end was far too much for her
to select her forfieting words.

Her mommy said today "Be good and this
pony shall be your's" The girl was thrilled
but hated being so nice, she decided to be
good, but than throw a rage party after her
reward was payed.

So she then decided to sit and breath, but
when her mom was in the room with her little
sister, who was crying her heart out nearly made the
girl scream her eyes out.

She remembered the reward, and calmed down and this time
you know what the girl did? she found some tape and snaped a
piece of sticky tape and smacked it to her loud, mouth.

And from that moment on, the girl never spoke another unfortunate word
until the very day when her prized pony arrived at the pale, tan porch.

 

[TJgamer]

Very...unusual.
And yet, very...interesting.
Indeed, it is.

 

[Kishijoten]

Haha, well the tittle is sure something isn't it? It sure connects with the poem though.

 

[Mythology]

I say the poem has a very interesting story-like poem.

 

[Gardenia101]

Very.... original.
But don't forget to capitalize the first letter of each ryhme. Proper grammer, you know.

 

[Deleted member 143209]

Very.... original.
But don't forget to capitalize the first letter of each ryhme. Proper grammer, you know.

Grammar*
Rhyme*

Further more, there isn't any need to capitalize the start of each line, look at Emily Dickenson (just taking her as an example because I read "I felt a funeral in my brain" recently), she capitalized words within sentences that would not normally have capitalization, she liked to emphasize nouns. So by your logic she was wrong to do so. By the logic of poetry and freedom of expression, no Kishijoten does not need do as you say here. I'm taking it that you meant to say verse and not rhyme by the way.

At any rate, I actually came for a quick review, it's been too long. Let's take this verse by verse.

The good, the bad, the girl faces
her new challenge in becoming the
good girl. She hates it and wants
to reject the quest, but the reward
in the end was far too much for her
to select her forfieting words.

What bothers me here mostly, is contradicting tenses. "Her new challenge in becoming the good girl" goes against "but the reward in the end was too much for her". The first few lines give off the impression it's ether approaching or that she's undertaking the challenge, yet the second line I quoted, annotates that she's been and gone, finished the challenge and we find out he reward was "too much for her", yet in the previous line she wants to "reject" the quest? This, confused me while reading. I didn't understand what you were trying to show. I also don't understand why you would initiate words of relinquishment if you've been rewarded with something. So that last line also confused me, it's again, contradictory. Watch out for your spelling on forfeiting there, maybe a type.

Her mommy said today "Be good and this
pony shall be your's" The girl was thrilled
but hated being so nice, she decided to be
good, but than throw a rage party after her
reward was payed.

You're missing punctuation in the first line as it just runs straight into a quote without any breath. "Her mommy said today," would read better. Also, misuse of punctuation on yours*. Otherwise it reads "this pony shall be your is", which doesn't make sense. Change "than" to "then". After that, I don't much think that "rage party" is exactly the best use of English here, again, it doesn't make a great deal of sense. Rather than using "mommy" here, I would use mother, mommy has two very powerful vowel sounds and makes the line sound very childish.

So she then decided to sit and breath, but
when her mom was in the room with her little
sister, who was crying her heart out nearly made the
girl scream her eyes out.

Again, another mistake in spelling, change "breath" to "breathe". After "who was... out" I would put a comma again, just to break up the line a bit as the beat is going to be really off otherwise. I don't think you should use the word "out" twice in one sentence either, it is very much hitting upon cacophony.

She remembered the reward, and calmed down and this time
you know what the girl did? she found some tape and snaped a
piece of sticky tape and smacked it to her loud, mouth.

"Snapped" not "snaped". I would also capitalize "she" which is after a question mark. Again, the use of "sticky" twice in one sentence is bad composition and does not read well.

And from that moment on, the girl never spoke another unfortunate word
until the very day when her prized pony arrived at the pale, tan porch.[/QUOTE]

Sounds more like a directly told story than a piece of poetry. But at any rate. You have a couple things to work on.

- Spelling
- Punctuation
- Metre/Beat/Rhythm
- Avoiding using the same words twice
- Avoiding being direct in what you're trying to get across, poetry should be more cloaked.
- Throw some techniques in.

My advise would be to start reading more poetry, see how the great poets of our time made their work so poised. I would also look into learning more about poetry if I were you, getting some techniques into your work and such.