THE GROUND QUEST!!!(PG)

[geokid]

This is the story of one of the worlds greastest Pokemon masters!THIS STORY IS RATED PG SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE VIOLENCE DON'T READ!!!New chapters will come weekly as I am busy through the week I'll probably add chapters every Saturday!

PROLOGE:
In the vast land of Hoenn a boy in Littleroot Town is celebrating his 14th Birthday!

The boy has white skin, Light Brown hair, and is pretty average in size.

He turns around and tells his mom he is going to get his starter Pokemon His mom simply nods and the boy rushes out the door.

When the boy gets outside he is shocked at what he sees.A wild Pokemon is attacking an old man.

The Man tells him not to just stand there.

The boy rushes towards the bag and grabs the pokeball and throws it to find...

A MUDKIP!

The boy says the attacking Pokemon to be a Numel and he orders Mudkip to use Water Gun which is super effective!

The boy says that is enough and throws a pokeball at the still stunned Pokemon.

The ball wiggles three times and reveals to have caught the Pokemon!

Later at the lab in the Town the man reveals himself to be Prof. Birch and thanks the boy and tells him that a skilled trainer such as the boy deserves a reward and he gives him a Pokedex!

The boy thanks him and leaves for his house.

At the boys house he reveals to his friends his two Pokemon and Pokedex and tells them that he plans to be the strongest trainer one day.

His Mother and friends see him off but they are disturbed by a kid.

The kid reveals his Treecko and Spheal and says he will be the best.

The kid says he is Darius and he dark brownish skin Black hair and is about the same size as the other boy.

The other boy (the one with the Mudkip) finally reveals himself to be Jeremy and the two boys set off on their own ways each with their two Pokemon...

What will happen next? Will the two boys engage in a battle later? To find the answers to these questions and more stay tuned for the next chapter of THE GROUND QUEST!!!

 

[Kaboom]

You're supposed to put a space after full-stops and questions marks, you use the word "reveals" WAY too often, your story gets a bit confusing when there are the two boys, there's a total lack of adjectives and adverbs and the title doesn't seem to fit. I certainly hope this get better!

 

[geokid]

I have gone back and Re-edited the prologue and will now write chapter One.

CHAPTER ONE:THE ROAD TO PETALBURG

Jeremy was exausted.

He had been walking through route 102 and fighting tough trainers all day.

Finally Jeremy began to see a huge city.

Jeremy ran until he got there but he triped and looked around.

A boy came out from hiding behind a bush and Jeremy recognizes him as Darius the boy he met before.

The two begin argueing and they both throw out their Pokemon!

Jeremy throws out Mudkip and Darius throws out Treecko.

Jeremy stares at the wood gecko Pokemon and emediatly swithches Pokemon.

He chooses Numel, the Pokemon he caught earlier the same day, and begins bragging Numel is part Fire type and orders Flamethrower.

The move knocks out the Gecko Pokemon and Darius releases Spheal.

Jeremy says this is going to be a pretty neutral battle and commands another Flamethrower.

Darius giggles and orders Ice Beam and the two moves collide.

Numels Flamethrower melts Spheals Ice Beam and the results are Water!

Numel is hit by the water and faints and Jeremy calls on Mudkip again.

Jeremy explains that Spheal's moves will do weak damage and orders Tackle.

The move faints Spheal and Darius walks off grumbling.

Jeremy continues to the cities Pokemon Center and heals his Pokemon and spends the night in a bed at the Pokemon Centers upstairs.

END OF CHAPTER ONE!

 

[Kaboom]

It's still not perfect, but definitely an improvement. How long do you actually spend writing these things? I usually spend an hour writing each chapter of my fanfic, and edit it as I type.

Anyway, it seems that, despite there being a long way to go, you've definitely been making an effort. Keep it up!

 

[geokid]

thank you and ussually I have to refer to Pokemon Emerald alot for things such as routes and Pokemon

 

[Astinus]

Your story has a severe lack of real description. It's just the characters doing something so quickly that there's no time to get involved in the story. Heck, there's not even a line of dialogue in the story.

There needs to be more to your chapter. Like, describe Jeremy on his journey. I'll take the first line of the second chapter to show you what I mean.

Jeremy was exausted.

Add more to this. Show that he was exhausted.

Jeremy was exhausted. His feet hurt from all the walking that he did. He was tired, sore, hungry. He knew he should have packed a lunch to hold him over until he reached the next town. He was also feeling the toil of constantly battling Pokemon. If it wasn't a battle against a rogue Zigzagoon, then it was a battle against some other new trainer.

It just tells things in a more interesting way than just telling and never showing.

Another random problem that you have is the fact that you could have longer paragraphs. Each paragraph doesn't need to be one sentence long. You can have more, and combine a few of the sentences you have on their own line into one solid paragraph.

In the vast land of Hoenn a boy in Littleroot Town is celebrating his 14th Birthday!

The boy has white skin, Light Brown hair, and is pretty average in size.

He turns around and tells his mom he is going to get his starter Pokemon His mom simply nods and the boy rushes out the door.

All this could easily be combined into one paragraph.

In the vast land of Hoenn a boy in Littleroot Town is celebrating his fourteenth Birthday! The boy has white skin, light brown hair, and is pretty average in size. He turns around and tells his mom he is going to get his starter Pokemon. His mom simply nods and the boy rushes out the door.

I also fixed the grammar problems. Write out numbers below 100, don't randomly capitalize words, and you were missing a full stop after "Pokemon".

Don't forget that you can add in dialogue from the characters to bring them more to life. Like when the man "tells him not to just stand there", you could have used that in dialogue.

"Don't just stand there! My bag! There are Pokeballs inside! Help me!" the man yelled.

It's more livelier. Gets the reader more into the scene.

Take more of your time writing these chapters. Check out a few of the writing guides in the lounge to pick up some tips on writing. Heck, even read a few other fanfics to see how things are done. Proof-read over your chapters to catch small typos.

And also, your title? Three exclamation points and all caps really aren't needed to add in excitement. It just looks silly to see that.

 

[Kaboom]

This guy knows what he's talking about!

"More livelier"? Interesting comparative!