[Pokémon] The Hunt

[miltankRancher]

This is my second fan-fic. I accidentally deleted the file of the first one, and I cannot recover it. So, I thought of a new idea. Here it is. I'll be posting the Prologue. Thank you! :)

Prologue:

A wild Magnemite was floating lazily around in the abandoned Power Plant. It was happy absorbing the electric charges of the barely-running generator and of those Electric Pokemons around it when something alien entered its mainstream. It was totally unlike the electric charges it was used to absorbing. Magnemite, however, like the new thing it absorbed. It seems like, to him, boosted his absorption of electrical charges. The energy was growing inside him by the minute, and after five minutes, Magnemite was starting to feel uncomfortable about his new power. Magnemite fidgeted as he floated; its single eye growing in panic as the energy swelled inside him. The steel covering his body started to pop as the temperature inside Magnemite's body rise. Then suddenly, Magnemite exploded, leaving pieces of steel lying on the floor. The Electric Pokemons took no notice.

Miles away, a camera attendant put his headphones on and immediately contacted his superior. The screen in front of him was broadcasting images form different locations: a forest, an electric plant, a cave, under the sea, an abandoned mansion, a volcano crater, an open field, on top of a tower, on a rugged path etc. And all of the same image. The image of a puff of smoke disappearing in the air.

'Sir, the first trigger was unsuccessful. No sign of the targets,' the attendant said. A rough voice, disguised by a voice-changer, answered him and gave him further instructions. 'Yes, Sir. Copy.' He pressed a button on one of the complicated keyboards in front of him, and immediately, all the images disappeared except for one. The screen now showed an image of an icy cave. A Seel lay fainting on the cold floor; it's breath in rapid gasps. However, the attendant was uninterested in the Seel. He further pushed some more buttons, and the image zoomed in. Nothing can be seen in the distance except for the mist suddenly blurring the hidden camera's vision. The attendant squinted his eyes to see clearly in the murk.

'It's getting dark, Sir,' he said.

'Proceed. This would not go to waste,' the voice said. The attendant looked hard, thinking, hoping, that his superior had finally gone nuts about this project. But he was wrong. A pair of eyes materialized out of nowhere, and then a piercing cry echoed throughout the cave. The attendant hit the record button but was too late. The camera stopped relaying images of the eye. Only static signal.

'Sir, we lost a signal in the…' the attendant stated a location.

'That was expected. Send a troop there. The target is now in our hands. It is time to commence the project.' The phone went dead.

In a different region, far from where the attendant was sitting, farther than the image of the eye, a figure in a wheelchair dropped his phone. His face was clouded by the shadows of the sinking sun; only his smile is to be seen. All those countless hours he spent monitoring the targets, sending out his masterpieces, hoping; the play would start soon. His role was finished. All he needs to do now is sit back and watch as the play unfold in front of his very eyes.

'Father,' a voice said. The figure turned around and saw a tuxedoed kid in the doorway. He was obviously proud of something, unhidden by his wide smile. In his hands is a Pokeball.

'Yes, Son?'

The seven-year old boy handed him the Pokeball, 'Happy birthday, Father. Here is my gift, your favorite Pokemon, Houndoom.'

'Thank you, Son, but I already have a Houndoom.' the man faked a smile.

'But this one is different. It's shiny,' the shiny Houndoom appeared. 'Butler Juniper caught it for me,' the kid smiled.

'Wow. Thank you so much for this,' the man was obviously unimpressed. The seven-year old smiled and went out the door. The Houndoom followed. The man maneuvered his wheel chair around his room to the bookshelf. It was filled with thousand of volumes of Pokemon books; thick and leather-bounded. He took one of the volumes on the bottom part of the shelf, and flipped through its pages. He found what he was looking for, and, checking his watch, smiled. 'Soon. You will be mine. All mine.'

~~~~~~

Thank YOU!!!

 

[miltankRancher]

These are the first and second chapter. Enjoy.

Chapter 1: The Family

'Jeon! You'll be late! Wake up!' Mom shouted from downstairs. Jeon groaned as he rose from his slumber. He was in his mid twenties, and with a muscular stature, he could not prevent girls from ogling at him whenever he walks past them. His chiseled abdomen boasts of countless hours at the gym. His triceps and biceps showed his perseverance with the weights. But, the one that really caught the girl's fancies is his face. It was smooth; the face you would expect that have never watched or witnessed violence. His tan skin was acquired when he had spent a whole summer under the sun. Jeon's hair was long, reaching up to his shoulders. It was his self-made promise to never cut his hair shorter than shoulder-length. His eyes were deep-blue, with a tell-tale brown somewhere in his pupil. However, unlike what his face tells, he had witnessed violence. Lots of them. If one could look closely in his eyes, it was not the soft look of innocence; it was the hard gaze of experience. His line of work brings him closer to death everyday. It was a profession he never dreamt of doing, but, here he was, stuck like all others in his path. He is a police. But no ordinary man-of-law. Jeon is an international police. He works for the IntBI or the International Bureau of Investigation. The IntBI handles international issues concerning the welfare of all Pokemon citizens and Pokemon. The IntBI is also the part of the joint committee that states the rules and regulations of Pokemon trainers around the globe. President Yamki Pausen, the bureau's founder placed Jeon, his junior superintendent in his home region.

'Jeon!'

'Coming!' Jeon put on a shirt and went downstairs. 'What's with the fuss, Mom?' he asked as he sat down in their table. He said a silent grace and started eating breakfast.

'This,' his mother showed him a piece of poster displaying the information about the upcoming tournament.

'Whashda?' he said. His mother quizzically looked at him. 'Shori..' he swallowed the egg he was wolfing down. 'I asked what that is.'

'The tournament.'

'I know. What I mean is what should I do with the tournament?'

'You'll be joining of course.'

'No way,' Jeon resumed eating.

'Yes way.'

'No.'

'Yes.'

'No. I have to go to the headquarters later. We have some cases to solve,' Jeon said with finality. Arguments like this always happened in their household, but Jeon always put work as a priority. He was a good battler but he simply has no time to spare for it.

'Ah. Like always. Cases,' Jeon's mother hated the secrecy accompanied by his work, but because international issues were of his concern, everything should be kept in strict confidentiality.

'Yes, cases. Why not convince Dave?' Dave is his fifteen year old brother who had absolutely zero love for battling. He has completed all the badges from their region and ended as top 24 in the Pokemon League, but still has no passion for it.

'Who? Your self-centered, battle- hater of a brother?'

'I heard that, Mom. Good morning, bro,' Dave arrived from upstairs. He banged fists with his brother. Dave is a miniature Jeon, only with white complexion, and no chiseled abs. 'Lemme see that poster.'

'You planning to join?' Mom asked as she handed him the poster. Dave just shrugged, and murmured an indefinite 'maybe.' Dave read the poster, and handed it back.

'I'll join,' Dave finally said, as he started eating his bacon. 'I think it's a good idea to have battles once in a while. And it's been a long time since Mamoswine had exercise. You'll be watching?' he addressed the question to both of us.

'I'll be going. I have never actually seen you battle,' Mom said. 'How about you, Jeon?' Oh, thanks Mom.

'I don't know. Probably not. Got some work to do in the department.' I avoided Dave's eyes.

'Oh. Well, can I borrow your Skarmory for the tournament? Got to start thinking hard 'bout this one,' Dave said.

'Skarmory? Well, why not? I still have a Drifblim back in the HQ. Skarm's Pokeball is upstairs, in the drawer beside my bed. One with the silver wing seal.'

'Thanks, bro.'

'Sure,' Jeon stood up and proceeded upstairs. 'I'll get it for you, since I'll be going to take a shower too. Wait for me here.' Jeon went back to his room. He pulled open a drawer and grabbed seven of his Pokeballs. 'Here. Skarmory.' He put it on his bed and strapped the other six to his pants hanging behind his door. He then took a shower in his bathroom.

A few minutes later, he was dressed up for work. His Pokeballs were partially hidden by the grey overcoat he was wearing. He grabbed Skarmory's Pokeball and went downstairs. 'Here,' he threw it to Dave. 'Bye, Mom,' Jeon kissed her goodbye.

'Thanks, bro.'

'Good luck, bro. And Mom,' Jeon said. 'I may not be back home for a few days. Got some cases to solve.' He went out the door.

Chapter 2: The Forest

'Check Area 42. Make sure that no one leaves that warehouse,' an old man commanded his subordinates. The men lining up the wall saluted and proceeded to the 'jump-off,' the place where the police go to do their in-field work. Jeon appeared behind the man.

'Sir, we got a poaching incident of Stantlers in the forest about thirty kilometers from here, at 12:00 direction' Jeon reported.

'Poaching?' the old man turned to him. He was in his fifties with wisps of gray in his jet-black hair. His pale complexion was further accented by his dull green eyes.

'Yes, Sir. Hunters presumably,' Jeon answered.

'Hmm. It's been a while since we had a poaching incident. I thought we suppressed it already in this area?'

'I thought so too, Director VanGulb.'

'Okay. I've decided. This poaching incident has certainly reached critical point. Jeon, I want you to personally go there and report back to me. Capture the Hunters if you can, but if not, that's okay. This is only a surveillance mission, not a capture mission. It's only your second priority. Go with Squad Ego,' VanGulb said. Jeon nodded and saluted.

A few minutes later, Squad Ego plus Jeon was driving at 120 kph. A squad was composed of a Squad leader, preferably served the IntBI for ten years, four Squad members, and an optional member. Jeon here was the optional member.

'How far yet?' Jeon shouted over the roar of the engine. Denis, the Squad leader, answered him.

'Five more kilometers. 3 more minutes!' They had been driving for almost 15 minutes, and in three minutes the mission will begin.

'That's great!' Jeon answered. Nobody spoke. Finally, the truck stopped. They were in the forest. Lush evergreen trees covered approximately a hundred forty hectares of rich soil. This is the paradise of Pokemon. Several species of Pokemon can be found here and, in some theories, still more undiscovered Pokemon. This is the reason why poaching was rampant in this forest. There were many hunters trying to catch the rare ones, and selling them for big heaps of money. These incidents are one of the most reported cases in their area. Jeon had once received report of a single Hunter trying to capture a whole bunch of the rare Ambipom. They had successfully captured the said Hunter.

'Here we are. Remember men, this is surveillance mission only,' Denis said. The Squad members nodded. 'Sir, we will separate here, and regroup after an hour and a half,' Denis handed Jeon a radio. 'Contact me if something happen. Frequency is 102. 4.' Jeon nodded. 'Move! Move!' Denis waved his subordinates away. 'You take care, Sir.' He went away.

Jeon was silently watching a Girafarig when something rustled in the bushes behind him. He ducked low and hid in the bushes. The Girafarig, probably frightened by the said rustle, scampered away. Jeon waited for something to come up, but nothing appeared, He stealthily crept to the bush, and what he saw surprised him. The legendary Celebi was trying to escape from a net it was caught on. It was obviously in pain, as it cannot use its Recover. Beside it was a fainted Kadabra.

'Wait! Let me help you!' Jeon approached the Celebi and tried to free it from its net. However, the net was infused with some kind of electricity, making Jeon incapable of touching it. 'What the?' Jeon dialed Denis on the radio.

'Denis! Come in!' Denis picked up the call on the other side. 'Denis! We've got a Rated S Pokemon here, approximately 2 kilometers south from where we started! It's in pain. We need to get it out here.' Denis made some quick instructions to Jeon, telling him to stay put, and not let the Pokemon away from his sight, and that he'll be there in a minute. Jeon put the radio down, and stared at Celebi. It was trying to escape from his prison. But, every time it touches the net, electric shocks surge through its body. Jeon could only stare.

'Jeon!' Denis arrived. 'Where is the…' Denis trailed off as he saw the Celebi. It was still trying hard to escape. 'We got to bring that back to the HQ. The Hunters have come too far. I'll command the squad to continue the surveillance," he dialed his members and gave them further instructions. 'Let's bring this one back to the lab. He went over to the net. 'These Hunters certainly know something about traps. This net is a prototype EN- 00, the first electric net. It was banned a few years back. Where did they got this thing?" Denis picked a Pokeball from his belt and out came his Quagsire. 'Quagsire. Grab that net, and let's get out of here.' Quagsire grabbed the net as instructed. The electric power seemed to be of no concern to him. 'He's a Ground type. Not affected by electricity' I know that, Jeon thought. 'Grab the Kadabra, too. Let's go.'

Meanwhile, a camera hidden high on the trees above the two police captured everything that transpired. It relayed the video to the attendant miles away. It recorded the video, attached it to an e-mail and sent it to his superior. A call immediately followed.

'Sir.'

'Celebi. Abandon that one. We have the others.'

'Yes, Sir. But the two police?'

'I'll handle them.'

'You know them?' the attendant asked.

'No need for that question. Prepare to escape.'

'Yes, Sir," answered the attendant. The phone went dead one more time. He continued pushing more buttons. The screen went blank. He grabbed a small hammer, and threw it to the screen, where it broke to million pieces of glass. He then drove his way to another appointment.

Meanwhile, his superior drank a glass of white wine. He then smiled as he realized that the Hunt was ending. The battle commences now. He was tired of waiting for them to know what he was doing. He raised his glass one more time to his lips.

 

[Miz en Scène]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I haven't been doing reviews in a while so I might as well start.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The one thing I noticed right off the bat with your fic is that in your first and second chapter, you seem to use the present tense for most of the description in the first chapter. Now, present tense isn't wrong or anything, it's just unconventional, even in first person POV fics because there are a few weaknesses that make hard for a writer to writer using it. For instance, and I refer to a third person POV, it's hard to maintain a perspective with the present tense. In fics like these, events usually involve more than one person and you're going to want to describe the event from an interesting angle, usually multiple perspectives.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Eg. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Present tense; third person ominiscient:[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]

The car is exploding violently and bits of metal are flying everywhere. Mary and John can see one of the pieces of metal flying towards them. Mary is ducking and her hair simultaneously catches fire while John is being impaled by the bar. Mary can see John's death and could feel it being played in slow motion, but John can't really feel anything as it was quick and painless.

[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Past tense; third person omniscient:[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]

The car exploded violently and bits of metal flew everywhere. Mary and John could see one of the pieces of metal as it flew towards them. Mary ducked, her hair catching fire, while John was impaled by the bar. Mary saw John's death as if it were in slow motion. John on the other hand, felt nothing; his death was quick and painless.

[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Now contrast those two sentences and you'll notice that those sentences were made by switching around the sentences a bit. Now, analyzing the first sentence, we can see that it isn't very interesting and the narrative seems a bit dry. The second sentence on the other hand, is a tad more exciting. Notice that I didn't use any exciting verbs or adjectives to describe the two scenes. From a psychological standpoint, the human brain tends to want to receive information in bits and packets that we can comprehend much easily and thus it becomes more exciting. Present tense on the other hand, tends to stuff all that information into a box and presents it to us haphazardly.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]This isn't to say that the present tense is bad though. There have been some books written in Prs that are good reads. However, the part where I get real nitpicky on you using Prs is that you're not consistent. This wasn't a problem in your prologue (in fact your prologue was much better in comparison to your first and second chapters), but it became one in your later chapters. For example:[/FONT]

He was in his mid twenties, and with a muscular stature, he could not prevent girls from ogling at him whenever he walks past them.

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]That part where you say, "he [/FONT][FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]was[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, sans-serif] in his mid-twenties" and "[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]he could not[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]" are both past tense, but "whenever he [/FONT][FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]walks[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, sans-serif] past them." is in present tense. This is inconsistent because it feels like you're just abusing Prs when and where you feel like it. You could have said, "whenever he walked past them." [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]If you go through the fic while marking up past tense and present tense, you'll find both of them in plentitude when you're meant to be using present-tense or past-tense only. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]My next point has to do with commas. You're generally well versed with commas and I commend you for using it properly unlike most beginners when they start. However, there was this one bit.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]President Yamki Pausen, the bureau's founder[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, sans-serif],[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, sans-serif] placed Jeon, his junior superintendent[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, sans-serif],[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, sans-serif] in his home region. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Now in that sentence, there's one comma error, but it's in two places. I placed commas where they should have been placed. Now the two sentences "the bureau's founder" and "his junior superintendent" are what's known as non-essential clauses. This means that if you remove them the sentence still makes sense. They also are always placed inside dashes or commas where appropriate. Ones in commas are the tricky ones. A general rule of thumb is to remove that portion of the sentence and see if the sentence makes sense. Also, if you read it aloud, you'll see that the basic comma usage rule of being a short pause in live narration also applies. For instance:[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]

President Yamki Pausen, (short pause in the flow of the speech) the bureau's founder, (another pause) placed Jeon, (another slight pause) his junior superintendent, (another pause) in his home region.

[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Also, while we're on the subject of non-essentials. If you remove them, they'll still make sense.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Eg.

President Yamki Pausen placed Jeon in his home region.

See what I mean?[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Finally, a short thing on characterization.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Your main character, Jeon, really seems like a Marty Stu to me, really. This is the male equivalent of those famous Mary Sues which are perfect characters. I mean, you have the girls swooning all over him and the sexy body plus an awesome job thing down. He just seems a bit to perfect and like he doesn't have any weaknesses. He also rarely thinks –there's no dialogue which shows him thinking-- which is another problem that crops up with present tense and it also makes your character seem exceedingly flat and boring, like there's no depth to him. I can see that you're gonig for the whole Schwarzenegger angle here, but you could at least have added some conflict in his personality or something. In Terminator, the T-1000 had an excuse for being awesome: it was a robot. Your character isn't one –him having a mom and bro and all-- so he needs emotions.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Anyway, that concludes my short review. Enjoy.[/FONT]