The Joke Thread

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Wow. Some of these jokes are *cough*notthatgreat*cough*. I'm not going to name names ("What the heck?")

Just kidding (maybe..)

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

A funny blonde decided to try horse riding even though she had never tried it before. She got on the horse and began riding at a slow pace. Eventually the horse got faster and faster until the blonde wasn't able to hold on. All of a sudden she felt herself slipping from the saddle.
In desperation the blonde decided to jump and try to save herself. So she jumped, but her foot got caught in the saddle stirrup and she was helplessly pulled behind the horse with her head banging on the ground.
The blonde was near unconscious when she was rescued by Fred the Wal-Mart greeter, who unplugged the horse.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping into the pool to save the life of another person. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
 
A couple had a cat. The husband hated the cat, so he decided to get rid of it. But he can't kill the cat, so he drove the cat to the end of their street and left it there. When he came back, the cat was already there.

This time, the husband drove the cat to the end of the town and abandoned the cat there. Once again, the cat was waiting for him when he came back.

Fed up, the husband drove the cat to another faraway town which he hadn't not been. Then he tried to go home.

At the evening, the wife received a call from her husband.
"Hello, honey, is the cat at home?"
"Yes."
"Tell him to talk to me. I lost my way."


If a bus station is where a bus stops and a train station is where a train stops, what about a work station?

A striking guy walked into the office. A woman couldn't help staring at him. The guy notices this, and walk straight to her, "I will do anything for $20, provided you can describe the task in three words." The woman takes out $20, and whispered, "Clean my house."
 
StarLatias said:
A striking guy walked into the office. A woman couldn't help staring at him. The guy notices this, and walk straight to her, "I will do anything for $20, provided you can describe the task in three words." The woman takes out $20, and whispered, "Clean my house."
Click to expand...

Haha, nice one. -Laughing- Did you create it? If so, good job. ^^
 
Blonde Jokes:

Why do blondes smile when lightning strikes?
They think someone's taking thier picture.

How do you frustrate a blonde?
Give her a bag of MnM's and tell her to alphabetize them.

How do blondes kill birds?
By throwing them off of cliffs.

What do blonde owls say?
What? What?

Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?
She got cold and turned off the fan.

What does a blonde and a bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

More jokes later!
 
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Wow, that one is good Vavavoom...Here is one about a joke in a joke for a joke...."News just in for everyone. Provided the next joke someone says happens to be a Yo Mama joke I declare you slap the person upside the head with stick thanks"
People need to be Slapped? I think he's whipped?*laughs*
"I said stick not schtick especially a bad one"
Aw....
 
So a middle aged woman is speeding down the freeway and gets pulled over by the cops. The officer gets out of his car and walks up to the womans car and asks to see her license. Then the woman replies angrily: "Geez, I wish you guys would make up your mind. Just yesterday you took my license away from me, and now you expect me to show it to you?"
 
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Blond Jokes

A blond, brunette, and a redhead hide in a barn.
The brunette hides behind a cow.
The redhead hides behind a horse.
And the blond hides behind a potato sack
The police come up to the cow and says, "This cow looks suspicious."
The brunette says, " Moo," and the police doubt its suspicion and walk away.
The police now go up to a horse and say,"This horse looks suspicious,"
The redhead says, "neigh" and the police doubt suspicion, so they walk away.
Now, the police walk up to the potato sack and says,"This potato sack looks suspicious.
The blond says, "potato!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blond,brunette, and a redhead are running away from the cops.
The police find the brunette and point a gun at her.
"3-2--" The brunette says, "OMG! a tornado!" the police look and she runs away.
The police next find the redhead and point a gun at her.
"3-2--" The redhead says, "OMG! an hurricane!" the police look and she runs away.
The police find the blond and point a gun at her.
"3-2--" The blond says, "Fire!" and she's dead.

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:
 
@Penguinpal6: LOL! Those are my favorite blonde jokes ever!

Lawer Jokes:

Why is it that New Jersey has all the toxic waste dumps and California has all the lawyers?
New Jersey had the first pick.

A lawyer wins a case for his client. His bill is that he must pay at least 6 grand a month for the next 10 years. "What?" he said. "This looks like a car payment!"
"It is", said the layer. "It's mine".

Two lawyers were having an arguement. One of them says, "Hey man. If we're gonna argue, let's at least be honest with each other!"
"All right", said the other lawyer, and thus ended the discussion.

A lawyer goes to a stonecutter asking to make his tombstone in advance. He tells him he wants it to say, "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man". "Sorry, mac", said the stone cutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave."

More jokes later!
 
Alright i gots one,

Here are some tell-tale signs it's gonna be a bad day. If any of these things happen, DO NOT leave the house. Crawl back into bed and start over again tomorrow.

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You see a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your office.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

Your income check bounces.

Your pet rock snaps at you.

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.

Tee-Hee Giggle-Giggle:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
 
'Kay, I have no clue if it's been said, but I've got a bad joke. XD

Two snowmen are standing outside when one says to the other, "Hey, I smell carrots."

Lawl. LAUGH AT IT. >O
 
Penguinpal6 said:
Blond Jokes

A blond, brunette, and a redhead hide in a barn.
The brunette hides behind a cow.y
The redhead hides behind a horse.
And the blond hides behind a potato sack
The police come up to the cow and says, "This cow looks suspicious."
The brunette says, " Moo," and the police doubt its suspicion and walk away.
The police now go up to a horse and say,"This horse looks suspicious,"
The redhead says, "neigh" and the police doubt suspicion, so they walk away.
Now, the police walk up to the potato sack and says,"This potato sack looks suspicious.
The blond says, "potato!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blond,brunette, and a redhead are running away from the cops.
The police find the brunette and point a gun at her.
"3-2--" The brunette says, "OMG! a tornado!" the police look and she runs away.
The police next find the redhead and point a gun at her.
"3-2--" The redhead says, "OMG! an hurricane!" the police look and she runs away.
The police find the blond and point a gun at her.
"3-2--" The blond says, "Fire!" and she's dead.

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:
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LOL, these are so funny. I actually laughed out loud to them. Now I have to tell my family and friends about them.
 
Okay i have two jokes right now,

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a rowdy bar to anticipate possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him and turned on his light and pulled the driver over, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test. The test results showed a reading of 0.00. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his beautiful, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I've got mail!"

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: and so on.
 
Orignally posted by Piakchu2007
What does a blonde and a bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
Click to expand...

What makes you think blondes are dumb? I'm blond and on the A-B honor roll. Guess that makes me dumb, too. But anyway.... here's my joke.

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."

"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."

The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"
 
vampire princess15 said:
What makes you think blondes are dumb? I'm blond and on the A-B honor roll. Guess that makes me dumb, too. But anyway.... here's my joke.

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."

"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."

The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"
Click to expand...

I'm really sorry if my joke offended you. I didn't mean to make you upset. Besides, you just posted a redneck joke. Sure, I'm from Texas, but it's one of my favorites. I like it. I'm not really offended by it and I'm an A-B student, too. Just remember, it's only a joke.

Anyway, here's another lawyer joke.

Why do scientists prefer lawyers over lab rats?
  1. Lawyers are more plentiful than rats.
  2. Lab assistants don't get attached to the lawyers.
  3. There are some things that a rat just won't do.
 
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