The Journey of Dreams

[diageo11]

The Journey of Dreams
I don't really think this name is all that good so if you have any suggestions please tell me.

I always liked Pokemon and would love if they existed so I decided to create this story. I never really created a real story before and wouldn't consider myself a good writer but writing this makes me happy so I will try it out. Since I will have millions of mistakes I ask that you please help along. I would love if with your help I could create a good story with any readers.

Ok so the story is about a boy named Matt set in a region I am currently creating called Diageann.

I really like illustrations in stories so I will try to put some pictures up. If any artist out there could help me with the pictures I would seriously appreciate it.
Now, enough rambling. Let the story begin…

Episode 1 – An Eevee in Need is an Eevee Indeed - Part 1

It was a sunny summer's day, the birds were singing and happy, cheerful pokemon are playing with their owners. The town of Fallot was always a joyful and peaceful place. Nothing exciting really happened there. People there would hardly battle as the neighbours always complained of the noise.

Professor Jameson, a renowned pokemon researcher and expert, lived in the town and helped everyone with every pokemon need. Since the town was so small, everyone knew each other, and everyone was nice to each other.

A young boy named Matt is walking from the pokemon centre with his friend Fintan. Matt has brown hair and loves pokemon; he has loved pokemon since he was 5. Fintan and he promised each other that they would journey together through Diageann as pokemon trainers and one day going on to defeat the pokemon league.

Matt has blue sparkling eyes and his hair is wild yet acceptable as normal. He loves to wear his favourite pair of jeans and his black shirt, even though blue is his favourite colour.

Here's a little sprite I made to help you picture him…

If anyone knows how to remove the background without removing the black outline I'd really appreciate it.

Fintan has been Matt's best friend since they were little and are always having fun together. Fintan is normally shy but really comes to life when he's around Matt. Fin loves to make Matt laugh and Matt loves how Fin makes him laugh.

Fin has fair hair and looks a bit like this…

Fin has green eyes, with a slight shade of orange which gives it a little shine. Fin's hair is normally flat as he's always wearing his favourite blue hat.

As they walk they start to talk about their favourite pokemon. Their conversation is suddenly interrupted by a distressed Eevee running through them. Shocked the two boys are speechless. Matt loved Eevees, but he had never seen one so close. A Growlithe broke through them growling deeply and barking viciously. He chased the Eevee down the road followed by Chef that looked as vicious as the Growlithe.
The chef was the owner of the restaurant near the edge of the town. His restaurant is called Farley Park Restaurant as its right beside Farley Park.

Matt and Fin were really surprised to see him run, after being in the restaurant for so long, he had become round from eating all his delicious food. He had a big nose and red puffy cheeks. They could see he was already panting from running 20 metres but he kept on going in hope of catching that Eevee. Sweat was dripping from his face giving his face a shine that disrupted his angry manner.

The chef was known for having a bad temper, especially towards thieves. He puts love and care into every dish he makes and expects to be paid generously.

The boys sped after the pokemon hoping to help the poor Eevee. The Eevee runs around Lillac Pond and is cornered by the Chef and its pokemon.

Lillac pond was the only body of water near the town of Fallot. There was a well beside it were, if the taps weren't working which happened about twice a week, the village would go to get its water. The water from the well was pure and crystal clear. It had a distinct relaxing taste so it was widely used in baths.

"Tear that stupid Eevee to pieces Growlithe!" the Chef screamed while he pointed at the overwhelmed Eevee as he whimpered at the edge of the pond.

"WAIT!" Matt cried, "Don't kill it! What could that creature have done to deserve such a horrible punishment?"

"He has eaten more than 5,000 pokedollars worth of food which it stole and ate without thinking of the consequences. It can't pay me back for it, so it must be punished!" replied the cruel Chef.

Matt began thinking quickly about his options.
"What if I got you your money back," asked Matt in despair, "Would you spare it?"

The chef sniggered.
"How can a kid like you expect to pay me all that money? I know your family and they hardly have that kind of money lying around."

"I promise I will do whatever it takes to pay you back," the boy said hoping for his life the man would accept his offer, "Just don't kill him."

Will Eevee be spared? If so, how can Matt expect to pay all that money back for the Chef?
Find out on our next entry… Thanks for reading and please leave a comment, anything you say will help me so please help. Don't sugar-coat it or anything, I want cold hard facts.
Thank you for your help!!!

I will add part 2 later today...

 

[diageo11]

I will place the pictures when I can ( After 15 posts )

Done now so never mind...

 

[diageo11]

I didnt make the episode long because I dont want to bore people, if you would like it longer than tell me please.

 

[pokemaster7]

Huh?

What are you even talking aboute in your fanfic? and yes we'd like it longer.

 

[diageo11]

what dont you understand? I'll explain it to you.

Ok then if you like it longer I'll put up more tomorrow, how long is long enough anyway?

 

[Ria]

Wee, I promised to read your fic, and here I am ^^;

Ok then if you like it longer I'll put up more tomorrow, how long is long enough anyway?

Ahm. I'm really, really no expert...actually, I think I'm the exact opposite of one o.O; But, I do know that you can do all sorts of stuff to make your story longer ^^; Ehm, lets see...the pictures are nice and all, but you can describe your characters verbally a bit to show off your writting skill ;) You caaan - describe the-er place they're in, so far we only know that they are walking from a pokemon center...and that there's a restaurant nearby :bandit: Tell us a bit about the town they're in, what's it called, do they live there, do they like/hate it and why...um, geez, what else? Oh, yeah, the chase! You can add all sorts of exciting stuff, like...I assume the chef is a fat guy with red cheeks, and probably a bulky, red, shiny nose from tasting all those wine-based sauces ;) Can you imagine a guy like that running...do try it, it's funny! ^^; Describe the surroundings, what season is it? Is it morning, noon, evening? Is the wind blowing, sunny, clouded? I mean, go wild, it's your fic, you can put all sorts of neat stuff into it ^^; (as long as you rate the story accordingly, that is :paranoid: )

I know that's not much, but I warned you I'm no expert :nervous: I hope it helped at least a wee bitty-bit ^^; I just love eevee-stories ^^;

 

[diageo11]

Ok I added a lot of description now and I'll add the second part later today.

Thanks for your help, it really er.... helped :)

 

[diageo11]

Episode 1 – An Eevee in need is an Eevee indeed - Part 2

The chef thought about it for a few seconds and said, "Fine, but you only have 2 weeks, if I don't have the money by then you will be sorry!"

Matt jumped for joy and excitement, his eyes sparkling with tears. Eevee hearing this ran over to Matt and hid behind him. Matt was so surprised he fell back on his butt.

Eevee jumped on his lap and started licking his face.
"Whoa there little buddy," exclaimed Matt, "I'm not made of candy."

Fin amazed with the events looks at his watch.
"Its 9:30 Matt, you got your pokemon but I still need to get mine!"

Matt looks up at Fin astonished.
"Oh right, I forgot," Matt replied while scratching his head, "Let's hurry then, Come on Eevee!"

The two start sprinting towards the laboratory.
"Don't forget our deal kid!" cried the chef. But Matt just ignored him and kept on running.

They run across the road nearly knocking over a kid on a bike and finally arrive at the lab.
The lab was a long futuristic looking building, it had a pathway leading up to it surrounded by bushes and extremely green grass.

When they enter through front door, they realise two out of the three pokeballs are gone.

The professor notices the two boys enter the room and says, "Finally, I was beginning to think you weren't coming."
Just then he notices the small brown furry animal hiding behind Matt.
"Is that and Eevee? How did you get it without a pokeball?"

"It's a long story professor," Matt answered patiently, "I'll tell you…"

"Wait a second Matt!" interrupted Fin," Before you two start babbling I want my pokemon. Is Mudkip still here?"

The professor looked over to a kid standing beside him and said," I'm sorry Fin, Alex took the Mudkip already. And a boy from Indosion city took the Treecko."

Fin pondered and screamed, "Torchic is still left right?!?"
The professor smiled.
"Yes, Torchic is still left. You can have it."
The professor held out the pokeball and Fin quickly snatched it.
"Yay!" Fin shrieked, "I finally have my first pokemon!"

Alex pushed the professor aside.
"Its nothing compared to my Mudkip." He exclaimed.

Alex was a stuck up child that was jealous of everyone. He was especially jealous of Matt for having Fintan as his best friend. Alex is always trying to compete with Matt on everything and occasionally tells Fintan rumours about Matt to try to separate them.

Alex was a junior karate champion and was very strong and tall. He has spiky black hair and dark black eyes. He's about 1m 75 in height and loved getting into fights.

Alex

Professor Jameson ignored Alex's rudeness as even he was slightly scared of Alex. The professor was slightly over weight, but he always said he was pleasantly plump. He has blond short hair and is slightly taller than Alex.

Jameson seemed to always wear his green shirt and orange overcoat, except in special occasions.

Professor Jameson

"Your Mudkip is not better than my Torchic, and I'll prove it!" exclaimed Fin.

Alex laughed.
"Let's have a battle then!"

The professor, worried about his equipment told everyone to go outside where the parents were waiting.

Fin looked at his pokeball.
"Professor, what attacks does Torchic know?"

"Well currently," replied the professor, "It only knows Scratch and Growl."

Fin threw his pokeball.
"Torchic GO!"

A flash of light came out of the pokeball and a Torchic was standing there.
"Tor-chic." It said in a high pitched but sweet voice.

Alex threw his pokeball and Mudkip appeared just as Torchic did.

Fin looked at Mudkip.
"Alright Torchic, Scratch attack!" Fin ordered almost in a professional tone.
The Torchic ran at the Mudkip scratching it several times.

Alex became angry.
"Mudkip, Tackle that stupid thing!"

"Dodge it Torchic!"
Just as he said that Torchic jumped sideways barely escaping the Mudkip. The Mudkip fell to the ground scraping its head on the ground.
"Now, finish him off with another scratch!"

Torchic scratched Mudkip 3 times and Mudkip closed his eyes and failed to get up.

The professor screamed, "Mudkip is unable to battle, Torchic is the winner!"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" cried Alex and he ran away with tears flowing from his eyes.

Matt patted Fin in the back.
"Well done Fin, you battled like a pro."

To be continued…

Ok here's the second part of the episode, tell me what you think.

 

[Alter Ego]

Before I begin, don't double or triple post unless you're adding new chapters to the story by doing so. That's thread bumping and against forum rules. :\ If you forgot to say something then just edit your previous post, m'kay? That makes your thread looks less spammy.

Speaking of spam, here's a very important point: Never, EVER stick pictures - or even worse, sprites - into the middle of a fanfic. >.< Seriously, it's off-putting and gives the impression that you're trying to hide your lack of writing talent behind all sorts of other things. Don't do it, please. Stuff like that makes little Lileeps cry and keeps them from getting sleep at night. ;__; Just describe your characters in writing and let the readers form the image of your characters in their minds. Trust me, it's a lot more interesting than a bunch of recoloured ingame sprites and a great way to hone your description skills. Also, your first chapter is definitely too short, especially when split up like that. In an opening chapter your only real objectives should be introducing the main character(s) and the initial setting. Where is this town anyway? It doesn't seem to be one of the official regions, so where is it? What's the region like? How does it differ from other regions? Work your way through the initial setting nice and slow, a good base is crucial for a good story, so don't rush through introductions or you'll end up regretting it later on.

Since the town was so small, they all knew each other, and everyone was nice to each other.

And everyone lived happily ever after in happy-smile-land...[/Sarcasm] Sorry, that was kind of mean. What I mean to say is, tone down the 'ïdeal society' thing a bit. Have you ever been in a town or city where everyone likes everyone? I don't think you have, and as far as I know such places don't exist. It goes against human nature. I'd really suggest changing that last bit, something a bit more vague like "it was a friendly town" or a similar statement, although that would call for restructuring the whole sentence. Also, 'everyone' is a singular noun, so everyone can't know each other (Since there is only one 'everyone'). 'They all' is the appropriate expression here. Also, you complain about something, not of something.

Here's a little sprite I made to help you picture him…

If anyone knows how to remove the background without removing the black outline I'd really appreciate it.

This would be the kind of thing you should never have in the middle of a fanfic. Please remove it immediately. If it's really important that people see the sprite then add it as an author's note, but don't disrupt the flow of the chapter with it. Incidentally, the 'set transparency colour' command turns everything of the colour you selected transparent, so what you need to do is select a background colour which isn't present in your sprite before applying transparency. Easy as one two three. Just remember, if you access it with any editing program which doesn't support transparency (Such as 'Paint') the effect will be canceled and you have to do it again.

It was a sunny summer's day, the birds were singing and happy, cheerful pokemon were playing with their owners. The town of Fallot was always a joyful and peaceful place. Nothing exciting really happened there. People there would hardly battle as the neighbours always complained about the noise.

Nyah, you're jumping between the past and present tenses both here and in the rest of the fic. That's not koshur. My suggestion is to keep it past tense all the way, that's the easiest form to write in, really.

Professor Jameson, a renowned pokemon researcher and expert, lived in the town and helped everyone with every pokemon need

Since the town was so small, they all knew each other, and everyone was nice to each other.

And everyone lived happily ever after in happy-smile-land...[/Sarcasm] Sorry, that was kind of mean. What I mean to say is, tone down the 'ïdeal society' thing a bit. Have you ever been in a town or city where everyone likes everyone? I don't think you have, and as far as I know such places don't exist. It goes against human nature. I'd really suggest changing that last bit, something a bit more vague like "it was a friendly town" or a similar statement, although that would call for restructuring the whole sentence. Also, 'everyone' is a singular noun, so everyone can't know each other (Since there is only one 'everyone'). 'They all' is the appropriate expression here. Incidentally, this whole sentence is redundant. You could just state that they all know each other in the paragraph I quoted before this one.

Matt has blue sparkling eyes and his hair is wild yet acceptable as normal. He loves to wear his favourite pair of jeans and his black shirt, even though blue is his favourite colour.

Here's a little sprite I made to help you picture him…

If anyone knows how to remove the background without removing the black outline I'd really appreciate it.

Fintan has been Matt's best friend since they were little and are always having fun together. Fintan is normally shy but really comes to life when he's around Matt. Fin loves to make Matt laugh and Matt loves how Fin makes him laugh.

Fin has fair hair and looks a bit like this…

Don't ever stack character descriptions like this, it hurts the flow of the story a lot. -.- Try spreading the description out a bit. That way it won't look like you wrote the whole thing and then just went 'Meep! I forgot descriptions!' and rushed to shove those in somewhere in five minutes. I'd suggest taking a closer look at how Ria handled it in her fanfic as it is a very good example of how these things should be done. She made a good point about your descriptions - or rather, lack thereof - too, so I won't waste space on repeating that.

I also see mispunctuation all around this fic, but I won't bother to list that up now. Your current priority should be on improving the fluency of your writing and the personalities of your characters. This far, Matt has been showing disturbing tendencies towards Gary-stuness (A.k.a. Perfect Person Syndrome) so I really REALLY suggest that you treat that before it turns into a nasty infection. It might seem a bit hard to do at first, but the flaws of characters are actually far more interesting than their talents (As long as you don't go overboard with it). This far, the only character I've liked at all is the chef, mostly because he's the only one who behaves like a human being. Really, none of us are perfect little angels/goody-twoshoes all the time, and having even one of those in a story will serve to detract readers faster than you can imagine. :\ The storyline is also incredibly clichéd this far (Complete with the mother of all clichés which is the Eevee starter) and you haven't really left me with anything to look forward to in the next chapter. (Since the Eevee has gotten to express itself so little that I can't even symphatize with it and its fate is really the only thing that has been left hanging this far.). If you want to keep readers you'll have to make sure that there is always some suspense to drag them back and enough surprises to keep them interested.

How much time do you spend on each individual chapter? Try writing it all down on a text document first, then take a small break and read it over again to get rid of spelling and grammar errors as well as to get a picture of what the individual chapter looks like. Is it adding anything to the story? Is any progress being made? If the answer is 'no' then you should rethink and correct it. Don't rush your writing. Trust me, it shows, and when dealing with the cliché-hive of a concept that is the OT fic it is absolutely crucial that you have plenty of well-planned and well-written ideas in there so your fic won't become just another one of the millions of unfinished, stereotypical OT fics out there.

As a final note, the chapter name...gah, I hope you're not keeping that trend up. That brand of naming is what I've always hated in both the anime and the manga translations. <.< That could just be me, though, so don't read too much into this comment. What's important is the story itself.

 

[Alter Ego]

What? *Blinks* Okay, first of all I'm not a mod or anything so I don't even have the authority to delete threads. Second, I was just doing my best to point out the things I thought you could improve on, not saying "OMG this is crap go delete it". Big difference. I'm sorry if I sounded overly negative but it is nearly always easier to find faults than merits for any given story. What I'm trying to say is, don't let critcism discourage you from writing. Trust me, it's a lot worse when you write a whole bunch of chapters and no-one even bothers to comment (That happened to me waaaaay back). My earlier story writing sucked hard (Especially the grammar), but I kept going because I loved to write, and I daresay I'm doing pretty well on the RPing side of things now (I've been planning my fanfic for over a year now, because I'm slow), but if you feel like it's too much work then by all means, feel free to quit. It's not like I can stop you. :\

 

[diageo11]

Ok, I thought about it and I'm gonna write the story again. I'll try to make everything you said better and I will try to make it full of suspence and grammatical correctness :)
I really didn't spend enough time with each chapter and really did just stick in descriptions to fill the chapter.
So I'm gonna do all that and in like a week or two or even 6 months, I will post a good story back up again.

Now, I just want to know. What makes Eevee so cliched? The cartoon starts off with a pikachu and every game starts off with the three starters like Torchic, Squirtle, Chikorita. So, wouldnt Pikachu be the mother of all cliches?

Ps. Sorry for over-reacting, hehe. *runs away*

 

[Alter Ego]

Eevee's clichéness?

1. It's the starer in pokémon XD, so there was quite a wave of Eevee starters after that one came out.

2. Everyone goes by the assumption that the original starters are the most clichéd ones so they go 'Hey! I'm gonna' be original!' and almost always pick Eevee because of it's ability to evolve into many different forms without realising that countless other people are being 'original' in the same way.

3. Note the gender, Pikachu is the father of all clichés. ^_~ They're more or less equal in my eyes. It just kind gets to me when there are hundreds of pokémon species and people almost unfailingly choose from the original starters, Pikachu, or Eevee. -.- Incidentally, Eevee is used more often because Pikachu is made such a cliché by the anime. So in technical terms, Eevee is probably the most clichéd one. o.o

Anyways, any given starter (Except for legendaries and suchlike) is fine, you just have to do an especially careful job with the clichés. ^^

 

[Ria]

Ok, I thought about it and I'm gonna write the story again. I'll try to make everything you said better and I will try to make it full of suspence and grammatical correctness :)

Hey, that's the spirit! ^^ Don't you worry, you'll get much better if you just keep at it. I mean, look at me; I'm still no match for most of the writters around here, but I think I'm a bit better than when I started off and that's an awesome feeling ^^ Plus, it's fun ^^

Now, I just want to know. What makes Eevee so cliched? The cartoon starts off with a pikachu and every game starts off with the three starters like Torchic, Squirtle, Chikorita. So, wouldnt Pikachu be the mother of all cliches?

Well, if it's important for your story you stick with eevee ^^ Then again, I can't get enough of eevees and I just LOVE clichés, I mean really, I couldn't bear to go without. I watch spanish soaps for God's sake. Er-my point is, maybe you shouldn't listen to me :paranoid:

Ack...this is getting messy o.O; You do whatever feels right to you ^^

 

[diageo11]

I thought about my story for a while and ideas started rushing into my head.
I made a map of the world I created, Diageann, to get me inspired and it really helped. I wrote the prologue for the story today and it came out quite nicely. I got to around 5 A4 pages and I still wanted to write more, but unfortunetly I have to go to sleep now so I'll write the first episode again tomorrow. And this time I'm really gonna work on it.
After I get to around the 5th episode I'll post the 1st one here, but only if I'm really happy with their quality.
Hopefully before september... :D
Later