The Next Generation

[LukeCarvill]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Prologue

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Red sat on his bedside, eagerly watching a classic Pokemon battle on his television, Red was mesmerized by the grace of the trainers who were both from his home town of Pallet.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The battles announcer seemed just as amazed as Red as he announced "Both the Pokemon have been brought down and are unable to battle" both the trainers withdrew their Pokemon and sent out their sixth and final Pokemon.[/FONT]

"[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Go, Eevee!"[/FONT]
"[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Go, Pikachu!"[/FONT]

"[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]And it all comes down to this, after their long journeys and fierce battles, the hopes and dreams of these two young trainers rests on the smallest Pokemon in their chosen teams." Said the announcer with excitement and anticipation.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Both the trainers and their pokemon stood still and stared each other down for a few seconds, which seems like an eternity because of the tension. The trainers prepared themselves and called out their commands in unison.[/FONT]

"[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Quick Attack!"[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Both pokemon darted at each other at lightning speed, they scattered around the battlefield, each repeatedly dodging the others attack before returning to their original positions and into another staring contest.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Both trainers looked at eachother and released a smirk before giving their second commands.[/FONT]

"[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Pikachu, Thunderbolt!"[/FONT]
"[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Eevee, Double Team!"[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Eevee created multiple copies of itself as Pikachu jumped high into the air and released a wild storm of electric power which struck Eevee's copies one by one.[/FONT]

"[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Eevee, Shadow Ball!"[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]A chilling ball as black as a moonless night itself flew into the air and cut straight through Pikachu's electricity.[/FONT]

"[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Pikachu! Light Screen!"[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Pikachu protected itself behind a screen as bright as the sun which engulfed Eevee's Shadow Ball before disappearing as Pikachu returned to the ground. As the dust from both the attacked settled, the trainers and their Pokemon all became fully aware that the most important battle of their lives had officially began.[/FONT]

"[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Eevee, Take Down!"[/FONT]
"[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Pikachu, Iron Tail!"[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Both Pokemon charged at eachother, Eevee lowered its head and braced itself as Pikachu's tail began to glow with a silver shine. They both collided at top speed and flew backwards, both Pokemon landed on their feet, but they had both clearly taken damage from the attacks.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The battle continued with an impressive display of amazing power and courage, both Pokemon unleashed their full arsenal of attacks on eachother which amazed both the crowd and the trainers. The display continued until both Pokemon returned to a standstill yet again, silence filled the arena as the audience awaited the attack that would finish the battle.[/FONT]

"[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Pikachu, Thunder."[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Pikachu summoned all its remaining energy as it took one final jump into the air and released all its remaining enery into the Thunder attack.[/FONT]

"[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Eevee, Last Resort!"[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Eevee brought together all its power and threw itself towards Pikachu's thunder, it collided with Pikachu, causing both Pokemon to be engulfed in a ball of electricity so bright the sun would be ashamed to shine.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The thunder slowly faded away and both Pokemon returned to their starting positions, both completely exhausted and barely managing to stay on their feet. Both trainers contemplated withdrawing their Pokemon and forfeiting the match, but they knew this battle meant far too much to their Pokemon to forbid them from finishing it.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Silence fell across the stadium as both the Pokemon stared each other down. They stood like stones until Eevee collapsed and the battle was over, but the silence remained, it was only broken by the sound of the trainer running into the field to tend to his pokemon. The battle was over and the winner was clear, but there was no cheering and no announcement of victory, the other trainer then ran into the field and caught his Pikachu as it collapsed from exhaustion.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]With both their Pokemon in their arms, the trainers walked to the centre of the field and shook each others hands, the silence was broken as the audience then all rose to their feet and applauded the amazing power shown by the Pokemon and the sportsmanship shown by the trainers.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]A mighty roar ran though the area as the announcer recovered from his astonishment and announced "Ash Kecthum is the new Pokemon League Champion!"[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]In front of the thousands in attendance and the millions watching at home, his opponent Gary Oak raised Ash's arm and then applauded as Ash was awarded his trophy. Ash had won the battle and Gary had lost, but both trainers had won respect and friendship from their former rival.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Red was quickly brought back to reality when his mother entered his room and interrupted his viewing. "Red, get to bed! You're getting your first Pokemon tomorrow, you need your sleep!"[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Red thought of arguing with his mother, but the thought of becoming an amazing trainer kept him calm and he knew his mother was right, so he turned off his television and got into bed, eagerly anticipating the dawn of the next day.[/FONT][/FONT]

 

[the bitter end.]

You say the characters name too much, I didn't see a pronoun about Red in the whole thing (Might be wrong)

Any who, I think it's interesting that the person is watching Ash's rise to power, i dunno i just kind like that.

Overall not bad, I like it, keep up the good work! =D

 

[LukeCarvill]

Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing, and I'm sorry about saying their names too much, I just don't like calling a Pokemon he or she unless their gender is known, and calling them it just makes them sound like an object...


Anyway, thanks a lot for letting me know what you think and I hope you enjoyed it =]


- Luke

 

[the bitter end.]

No I mean for red, I saw about 1 pronoun, but that's okay, the story's good so you might be able to get away with that XD

 

[LukeCarvill]

Ah okay then, well when I write the next part I'll try to get some more of them in, thanks for the advice =]

 

[the bitter end.]

Don't mention it! I remember when I posted my fanfic on here nobody posted on it and it can't be posted in anymore D=

 

[Vernikova]

I loved your prolouge. But Underdudex is right about some things. Continue the good work.

Best XD Moment: Ash wins a major tournament in the small island nation of Japan. Yup, this is a fanfiction XD.

 

[Post Office Buddy]

Pretty good start to the story, but you made some technical errors throughout the prologue. Most of your errors were comma errors, but some structure errors were evident as well. I'll give an example of each.

Red sat on his bedside eagerly watching a classic Pokemon battle on his television, Red was memorised by the grace of the trainers who were both from his home town of Pallet.

This was an error in structure. This sentence as a whole made no sense, although if you counted them as separate sentences then they seem to work alright. One way this could be fixed is:

Red sat on his bedside(,) eagerly watching a classic Pokemon battle on his television, memorised(?) by the grace of the trainers who were both from his home town of Pallet.

Although, in my personal opinion, the passage should be two separate sentences, this way works as well. Also, I was not sure whether or not that word should be mezmerized or what. Some clarification would be helpful.

I also threw in a comma correction up there, as it sounds wrong when you think of it as a continuous, uninterrupted sentence. Besides, those two parts are independent of each other, as "eagerly" is an adverb modifying the participial "watching".

Anyway, I think I have supplied enough examples for you to be able to look through and find other instances of comma errors and whatnot. If you need some help identifying comma placement, just PM me and I will try my best to help you out.

 

[LukeCarvill]

Thankyou for your advice, I apologize for my poor typing. I've made the changes and in answer to your question, memorised was supposed to be mesmerized.

- Luke

 

[Post Office Buddy]

I see just as many errors as before, so I'll do something for you. Instead of giving you an example, I'll just quote it and show you where I think corrections should be made. My corrections will be in bold, and any words that I believe should be omitted will be underlined. Be warned though, this will be the only time I will do such a thing for this fiction. I usually don't like to copy an entire chapter and show every single mistake, but if I must then I limit it to once per fiction/author. Anyway, here are my suggestions.

Red sat at (shows "where" better than "on") his bedside, eagerly watching a classic Pokemon battle on his television. He was mesmerized by the grace of the trainers who were both from his home town of Pallet.

The battle's announcer seemed just as amazed as Red as he announced, "Both of the Pokemon have been brought down and are unable to battle." Both the trainers withdrew their Pokemon and sent out their sixth and final Pokemon.

"Go, Eevee!" (Said who? You haven't given us a name yet...)
"Go, Pikachu!" (See above.)

"And it all comes down to this. After their long journeys and fierce battles, the hopes and dreams of these two young trainers rests on the smallest Pokemon in their chosen teams," said the announcer with excitement and anticipation.

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Both the trainers and their pokemon stood still and stared each other down for a few seconds, which seems like an eternity because of the tension. The trainers prepared themselves (How so? I would like to see some more description here. Maybe have a flashback from one of the trainers at this point, showing all the hard work that they put into getting this far) and called out their commands in unison.[/FONT]

"Quick Attack!" (This leaves it up to assumption that they both called the same attack. Maybe you should clarify it, saying "'Quick Attack!' they both cried out together.")

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Both pokemon darted at each other at lightning speed, scattering around the battlefield, each repeatedly dodging the other's attack before returning to their original positions and into another staring contest.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Both trainers looked at each other and released a smirk before giving their second commands.[/FONT]

"Pikachu, Thunderbolt!"
"Eevee, Double Team!"

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Eevee created multiple copies of itself as Pikachu jumped high into the air and released a wild storm of electric power, which struck Eevee's copies one by one.[/FONT]

"Eevee, Shadow Ball!"

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]A chilling ball as black as a moonless night itself flew into the air and cut straight through Pikachu's electricity. (itself is an uneeded word.)[/FONT]

"Pikachu! Light Screen!"

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Pikachu protected itself behind a screen as bright as the sun, which engulfed Eevee's Shadow Ball before disappearing as Pikachu returned to the ground. As the dust from both the attacked settled, the trainers and their Pokemon all became fully aware that the most important battle of their lives had officially began.[/FONT]

"Eevee, Take Down!"
"Pikachu, Iron Tail!"

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Both Pokemon charged at each other, Eevee lowering its head and bracing itself as Pikachu's tail began to glow with a silver shine. They both collided at top speed and flew backwards, both Pokemon landing on their feet, but they had both clearly taken damage from the attacks. (You switched tenses on me...)[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The battle continued with an impressive display of amazing power and courage, both Pokemon unleashing their full arsenal of attacks on each other, which amazed both the crowd and the trainers. The display continued until both Pokemon returned to a standstill yet again, silence filling the arena as the audience awaited the attack that would finish the battle.[/FONT]

"Pikachu, Thunder."

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Pikachu summoned all its remaining energy as it took one final jump into the air and released all of its remaining energy into the Thunder attack.[/FONT]

"Eevee, Last Resort!"

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Eevee brought together all of its power and threw itself towards Pikachu's thunder, it colliding with Pikachu, causing both Pokemon to be engulfed in a ball of electricity so bright the sun would be ashamed to shine. (Strange analogy there...)[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The thunder slowly faded away and both Pokemon returned to their starting positions, both completely exhausted and barely managing to stay on their feet. Both trainers contemplated withdrawing their Pokemon and forfeiting the match, but they knew this battle meant far too much to their Pokemon to forbid them from finishing it.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Silence fell across the stadium as both the Pokemon stared each other down. They stood like stones until Eevee collapsed and the battle was over, but the silence remained, it was only broken by the sound of the trainer running into the field to tend to his pokemon. The battle was over and the winner was clear, but there was no cheering and no announcement of victory. The other trainer then ran into the field and caught his Pikachu as it collapsed from exhaustion.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]With both of their Pokemon in their arms, the trainers walked to the centre of the field and shook each other's hands, the silence was broken as the audience then all rose to their feet and applauded the amazing power shown by the Pokemon and the sportsmanship shown by the trainers.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]A mighty roar ran though the area as the announcer recovered from his astonishment and announced, "Ash Kecthum is the new Pokemon League Champion!"[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]In front of the thousands in attendance and the millions watching at home, Ash's opponent, Gary Oak, raised Ash's arm and then applauded as Ash was awarded his trophy. Ash had won the battle and Gary had lost, but both trainers had won respect and friendship from their former rival.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Red was quickly brought back to reality when his mother entered his room and interrupted his viewing. "Red, get to bed! You're getting your first Pokemon tomorrow; you need your sleep!"[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Red thought of arguing with his mother, but the thought of becoming an amazing trainer kept him calm and he knew his mother was right, so he turned off his television and got into bed, eagerly anticipating the dawn of the next day.[/FONT]

I hope this helps you with your prowess in writing. I tried my best to point out technical errors, but there is a possibililty that I have missed some. If anyone else notices things I have missed, point them out so he can see them.