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The past is sacred

AuraAshley

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  • 527
    Posts
    15
    Years
    Chapter 1

    The repression center was a place people went to when they wanted to forget something either big or traumatic in their life. People came here all the time to forget their past, people they loved that died, or things [or people] that had hurt them. This place was an easy way to escape the past or pains of the present. In the past I never had a reason to come here until now.
    I wanted to forget him. I wanted him out of my mind and soul. I had tried my hardest to forget about him. But to my displeasement, I had failed to. As I looked up at the sign on the building that said 'repression center', I knew this would be the only way. I closed my eyes, and saw his face. I didn't want that anymore.
    I entered the building. It was an impressive establishment. The floors were marble as well as some of the counters. The place reminded me more of a morgue then anything else by the sad aura I could sense here.
    I walked up to the counter and a woman greeted me. She was [in my mind] strangely happy for someone who worked in this sad place. She smiled at me and held out her hand as if to shake mine. I held my hand out as well, gripped hers and shook it. "welcome to the repression center. My names Cynthia. May I have your name and reason you are here." She let go of my hand.
    "My names Asher. I want to forget someone who hurt me." I could tell by how I responded that Cynthia had heard this line many times in the past, her smile and perkiness seemed to have faded when she heard this.
    "very well. But before I take you into the back," she sat down on her chair "I need to know more about how this person [I suspect a guy] hurt you. I can't just erase your memory of this person without sufficient reason." She took out a notepad and pen. She seemed prepared to write down whatever it was I was to tell her.
    I didn't want to get into detail about this man. I didn't even want to say his name. I just wanted him out of my thoughts and life completely. "do I have to?" I asked. She nodded, and then I scowled. "if I must"
    "


    ok then let's go." She picked up her pad and pen and got out of her chair. I looked at her puzzled and asked 'where are we going?' She told me we were going to one of the examination rooms and that It was more private to tell my story there. I understood why she wanted to go to a different room. Not everyone needs to hear this sad story.
    When we got the examination room, I sat on a chair directly opposite of Cynthia. She put her pad down and picked her pen up. "Well," she said "let's hear it." I sighed and clenched my fist. I truly didn't want to do this, but I knew it must be done. I closed my eyes and began to talk.



    *4 years ago*
    The battle dome was a sacred place to us in Galactic city. The battle dome offered freedom and relief of stress to those who couldn't stand their normal daily lives. People came to the battle dome to fight monsters and to hang out. The battle dome itself was a social hot spot for those who lived in Galactic city [and even to those who didn't].
    I never really took interest in the battle dome at all. Only reason I was there in the first place was because I worked there. I worked as a apprentice to the battle dome leader. The leader was a man named Kyzer. Kyzer and I had become quick friends after I started working there. He had taught me a lot about monsters and a lot about life in general. He had taught me not to take life for granted as well as not to attack monsters that are double my size. At first I didn't listen to what he had to say. But after the constant beat downs by monsters and constant scolding's by Kyzer [and his 'commanders'] I learned to listen to whatever he had to say [no matter how stupid and ridiculous it was].
    Today was different then every other day. Kyzer and the commanders had decided that they would go into the city for a little 'alone time'. They had asked me to come, but I turned them down. I didn't quite feel like going into the city and dealing with the crowds of people [mainly tourists] flooding the streets. So I stayed back at the dome and chilled. The dome hadn't opened yet, so no one was there to bother me. The only people that were there were the cooks and food stand owners. I really never paid much attention to them. I only approached or talked to them when I wanted to buy some food.
    I decided id lay on one of the couches in the lounge room. The couches there were very comfturable and it would be easy to fall asleep on [I hadn't slept the night before]. I collapsed on the couch and closed my eyes. The song Air force ones by Nelly was playing in the background [in the dome, we liked to keep music constantly playing like a night club], and it[strangely] helped soothe me so I could fall asleep.
    As I was about to slip into a dream land[sleep], I heard footsteps on the marble floor. i ignored them, I figured it either was kyzer[or his commanders echo, shadow or cyrus] or it was one of the people who were already here. I rolled over and faced the back of the couch and continued to try to fall asleep. The footsteps started getting closer to me. "Excuse me." I heard a voice. I grumbled and turned over and opened my eyes to look at the person who had interrupted my sleep. I had expected to see one of the other employees here, but to my surprise the person wasn't. The person was a man. He had to be 6 foot atleast. He had brown eyes and medium length hair. He was thin. He was, in all honesty, very attractive.
    "You do realize we're closed." I said to the man. I shouldn't of said that. I should of introduced myself but I didn't. I hoped I didn't offend him. He looked at me then he sighed. Maybe what I said was a bit harsh?
    "I would like to speak with Kyzer. It's sort of an emergency." He said. I sat up. What sort of emergency could require this man to just walk into this place, and demand to see my boss, while it's closed? I didn't just stand around to think about this. I firmly looked at the man [I had no idea why] and told him, 'my boss is out. Anything I can help you with?'. The man looked down at his feet then at me again.
    "What's your name?" he asked me.
    "Asher" I responded quickly.
    "Asher my names Kadaja. Do me a favor and tell your boss that Kadaja stopped by and I'll be back later," he put his hand into his pocket and pulled out a little box. He took my hand and put the tiny box in it. "And give him this." He turned around and began walking to the door. I stared blankly at him then looked down to the little box he had given me. I was so tempted to open it. But I knew I couldn't [or should I say shouldn't]. The temptation was overwhelming. I ignored the temptation and went back to the couch; I put the little box on the floor right up against the couch. I closed my eyes and attempted to go back to sleep again.
    I had to of been asleep at least an hour. I woke up to Cyrus sitting on my legs. I groaned and looked at him. "Do you mind?" I asked. He snorted and smiled.
    "Yes I do mind," he got off my legs, "and Kyzer wants to see you. He says it's important." Cyrus looked at me then down at the little box. He went down to try and grab it, but I snatched it up before he could. Cyrus looked annoyed. "What's that?" He asked.
    I looked at the box then replied, "It's for kyzer. A friend of his, I guess, brought it in and (while you guys were gone) told me to give it to him." I sat up and got off the couch. "I guess I'll go see what kyzer wants." I gripped the little box a bit tightly in my hand just in case Cyrus decided he wanted to take it from me. Cyrus just shook his head.
    "That's the problem with you," Cyrus began to say; "you never do anything your told. True I didn't say give me the box, but you saw that I was going for it. Listen Asher you're just a trainee here and I'm your boss. You do what you're told when you're told to and you not to talk back or anything of the sort. Do we understand each other?" Cyrus stared me up and down waiting for my response. "Whatever." I responded and walked towards Kyzer's office.
    Kyzer's office was always set up nicely. Beautiful paintings on the wall, wood flooring, and other beautiful knick knacks; some were made of pure crystal while others were made of pure gold and pure silver.] I loved Kyzer's office.
    As I entered his office, he looked at me and greeted me. Greeted him back and sat down on one of the chairs in front of his desk. He stared into my eyes. "How are you today Asher?" he asked.
    I smiled and put the small box on his desk. "I'm doing good," I began; "I guess a friend of yours came in while you were gone. He said his name was Kadaja. He wanted me to give you this box." Kyzer picked up the box and inspected it. I guess he wanted to make sure it wasn't dangerous or anything of the sort. He lifted the lid off and took the contents of the box out. It was a necklace. It was blue and white with a white water drop stone in the middle. "That's beautiful." I said excitedly.
    "Yes it is." He put the necklace on. "it's called the 'drop of life'. Every gem on here is real sapphire and crystal. The jewel in the center is called 'Aqua crystal'. It's made from the fragments of the water crystal in Ocala." Cyrus stroked the water shaped crystal. "I've been searching for this necklace for years and finally I have it." I guess he had forgotten I was in the room. When he saw me, he gasped a little. "so you say you met Kadaja?"
    "Yes I did. He seems like a real nice man." I responded. It was true, he did seem nice. But there was something about him that made me uneasy. "He said he'd come back by later."
    "Is that so?" Kyzer said. Kyzer stroked his pendant again. He seemed to have taken a real liking to it. Quite honestly, I don't know why. I don't see what's so important about a pendant made from the fragments of a 'water crystal'. Then again I don't even know what the water crystal is anyway. "When kadaja comes back again, don't have anything to do with him. He's trouble. I don't want you getting pulled down."
    Cyrus got up and walked over to one of his crystal statues. The statue was that of a dragon. He touched the statue and stroked its head. I stood up and approached that statue as well. At closer inspection, it wasn't only made of crystal. Its eyes were rubies and its wings were lined with sapphires. "Kyzer why did you call me down here?" I asked him. He turned around and looked at me then walked right past me and sat down at his desk. He did a gesture to have me sit down as well. I nodded and sat down in one of the chairs again.
    "I'm sorry that I have to say this," Kyzer said sadly. I could tell something bad was going to happen. I didn't know what it was but I knew it would make me sad. I bit my lip and prepared for what Kyzer was about to say. "I need to let you go. You never listen to the commanders; you never do what you're told. I need an apprentice that will listen to everything that their told to do."
    My jaw had dropped. I couldn't believe this. How could i loose my job? True i didn't like it much but still. I looked at Kyzer and stood up. " I dont do what im told?" i said angrily. "How the **** do i not do what im told? it's like i suck your damned commander's **** half the time. How dare you tell me i dont do what the **** im told." i yelled angrily. Kyzer looked pissed. I guess what i said had struck a nerve.
    "get the **** out of my office and get the **** out of my building." He yelled at me. I clenched my fist then turned around and began walking to the door.
     

    LampShade.

    Fanfiction Writer
  • 13
    Posts
    14
    Years
    I would suggest that you look over your story a little bit; there are some stylistic errors that need cleaning up. Here are a few examples:

    In the past I never had a reason to come here until now.

    You might want to take out "In the past", or simply remove the last phrase and replace "here" with another word for another way to describe this repression center.

    I wanted to forget him. I wanted him out of my mind and soul. I had tried my hardest to forget about him.

    The repetition here is a bit off and slightly awkward. You might want to use the same verb tense on the third sentence, as well as replace the second "forget" with another phrase.

    That's only the first two paragraphs, though. If you need more help adding style, just ask for more advice.

    You might want to add more adjectives to spice up the imagery and add some color to your story. I'm not exactly sure what tone the author has for the beginning (Scared? Frustrated? Dull?).

    It's okay to use brackets, but using them in dialogue seems a bit strange. Maybe it's just me, but using hyphens or dashes to imply a side comment would be better.

    Adding distinct characterization to the narrator would be optimal. At the end of the story, I still had a hazy image of Asher at the end of the chapter.

    Maybe it's just me again, but the ending was a bit awkward. Providing a smoother transition (like using anger-infested diction) before the swearing would make the ending a bit more plausible.

    Adding voice to your chapter is what probably needs the most improvement, but it's hard to give advice for improving voice. Just practice writing, and don't give up.

    I liked the plot, especially the quasi-teaser at the beginning. This fanfiction has a lot of potential. Keep it up, and have fun writing!
     
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