The Pokepocalypse

[Luna Altaire]

Here is my first fan-fic. It's about me...sort of. Wrote it a while ago, but Destiny Hope (yes, the member, we're best friends in real life) convinced me to post it.

It's set in the Sinnoh region, and it's about the adventures of a trainer called Luna Altaire, with an extraordinary necklace called the Lunar Eclipse Chain. It converts moonlight into energy for Luna to use. She can even learn Pokemon moves, if she tries her best! Well anyway, here's the first chapter!

Chapter One: The Chase​

"Umbreon! Come on, there's no time to lose! The Galactic Grunts are catching up!" I called, beckoning my Umbreon hop onto my cyberbike. "Umbre! Umbreon!" she cried. She leaped onto my shoulder and I sped away on my bike. "Weavile! Use Quick Attack, and don't let them get away!" A Grunt ordered. "Wea-wea-wea!" the Weavile called as it sped up to attack. We were riding in a desert area, and dust was flying all over the place! To keep Weavile at bay, my only choice was to use Smokescreen, although it might close off my view ahead and endanger my driving. "Umbreon, quick! Use Smokescreen!" I yelled. "Umbre?" Umbreon asked, also realizing the danger. "Yes, I know it's dangerous, but it's our only chance! Use Smokescreen, NOW!" I cried. "UMBREEOOONN!!" Umbreon screamed as she let out a cloud of thick, black smoke. However, the Smokescreen was too late. Weavile had caught up and leapt at my cyberbike, slashing at the handlebars. Umbreon and I were flung from the bike as it began spiraling out of control. A huge dust cloud was created by the tires squealing and spinning around. As the dust and smoke cleared, the Grunts, as Umbreon and I had realized, had caught up and had us surrounded.

Like it? Next chapter coming soon! :D​

 

[Destiny Hope]

First let me say, it's pretty good so far. Just a couple things that I really hate to critique...I'm not a mod or anything but anyway...

Instead of putting all the dialouge of different characters in one paragraph, you seperate the paragraphs when a different character talks, just like in a book. It's a rule of literature, as a member here once told me. So instead of what you have, it would look something like this:

"Umbreon, come on! There's no time to lose! The Galactic Grunts are catching up!" I called, beckoning my Umbreon to hop onto my cyberbike.

"Umbre! Umbreon!" she cried. She leaped onto my shoulder and I sped away on my bike.

"Weavile, use Quick Attack, and don't let them get away!" a Grunt ordered.

"Wea-wea-wea!" the Weavile called as it sped up to attack.

Get the idea? You may also want to think about making your chapters a little bit longer for your sake, if you know what I mean.

But I just gotta say, I remember hiding this under my desk in Advanced Reading and looking over it...man, that brings back memories...

 

[LugiaFreak]

Add More Content!

It's a good start, but this is way to short for a first chapter. It's too short for a prologue, even.

Try adding on lots more before you post a second chapter. :) You might try adding your 'second chapter' onto your first one so that it makes the first one longer, if you get what I mean.

 

[Luna Altaire]

Okay Des, I gotcha.

Lugia, I have more (I didn't separate them into chapters when I wrote them) written, I just didn't know how long it should be. It's about 6 pages in written form. >_>

 

[Merata]

YOu can also post it all in once since the maximum limit of characters is 50.000, and that's more then enough for 6 pages.

 

[Arctic Master]

My lord, it's all in a huge jumbled up mess... Time to fix that... *has wrentch in hand*

Well, a few pointers. It's not bad at all. As everyone else said, the aspect of the story is good, but the grammar and such suffers greatly.

Quote tiem! *misspelling intentional*

"Umbreon! Come on, there's no time to lose! The Galactic Grunts are catching up!" I called, beckoning my Umbreon hop onto my cyberbike. "Umbre! Umbreon!" she cried. She leaped onto my shoulder and I sped away on my bike. "Weavile! Use Quick Attack, and don't let them get away!" A Grunt ordered. "Wea-wea-wea!" the Weavile called as it sped up to attack.

Two problems here. Firstly, one, I know it's a Pokémon story and such, and probably everyone has enough internet access to look up the Pokémon, but still, it would be great if we had a tad bit of description on them. If the story was being read by someone who didn't know jack and squat about Pokémon, they wouldn't know what was going on.

Two, spacing. It was a large wall of text, even though I could read it. Hit the enter key twice, to space the paragraphs, and quotes from who's speaking next.

i.e.

"Umbreon! Come on, there's no time to lose! The Galactic Grunts are catching up!" I called, beckoning my Umbreon hop onto my cyberbike.

"Umbre! Umbreon!" she cried. She leaped onto my shoulder and I sped away on my bike.

"Weavile! Use Quick Attack, and don't let them get away!" A Grunt ordered.

"Wea-wea-wea!" the Weavile called as it sped up to attack.

Haaa, much better...

Also, something I forgot to mention. Umbreon is quite a large Pokémon, unlike it's predecessor, Eevee. It can't easily jump on one's shoulder and stick there. It'd either overbalance or something, but either way it'd fall, from the constant bumps on the "road" that they're biking on.

We were riding in a desert area, and dust was flying all over the place! To keep Weavile at bay, my only choice was to use Smokescreen, although it might close off my view ahead and endanger my driving. "Umbreon, quick! Use Smokescreen!" I yelled. "Umbre?" Umbreon asked, also realizing the danger. "Yes, I know it's dangerous, but it's our only chance! Use Smokescreen, NOW!" I cried. "UMBREEOOONN!!" Umbreon screamed as she let out a cloud of thick, black smoke. However, the Smokescreen was too late. Weavile had caught up and leapt at my cyberbike, slashing at the handlebars. Umbreon and I were flung from the bike as it began spiraling out of control. A huge dust cloud was created by the tires squealing and spinning around. As the dust and smoke cleared, the Grunts, as Umbreon and I had realized, had caught up and had us surrounded.

I'm going to tackle the rest of this mess, in one shot. Now, they're entering the desert, which is giving me some point in time of location. Though, I would've expected such a scene in a forest or a dark part of a city. It's easier to ride a bike through there, as well as for enemies to ambush the protagonist. Though the desert... I see the chance of getting the wheels stuck in a sandpit or something, if the protagonist was forced off the road. Though, that's just me. You're the writer of this, not I.

As some friendly suggestions:

One: The action should be made a tad longer. What I see is a slightly rushed scene, where we acknowledge the lone fact that the protagonist is being chased by Galactic grunts and one of their Weavile. Now, we have no idea what these bowlheaded fashion freaks look like, nor how their badass Pokémon look like; but surely, the main character had gave a glance at them and can give us at least a silhouette. The description doesn't have to be completely from head to toe, but mainly some major details on the person that are worth pointing out.

Two: You can use the elements of the surroundings to your advantage, to "cheat" your way out of some describing. Such to say, I'm guessing the time is night. Umbreon, being black as the night sky, would blend in, GREATLY, with the darkness; as will Weavile, who's body is mostly black, minus it's red arch piece and white claws and such.

The same goes for some attacks, that don't shed light, when being charged, or fired. Umbreon used Smokescreen which obscured the sight of both the protagonists and the pursuers. I don't see how the protagonist could have gotten the handlebars slashed, unless the Weavile was right beside them. Even more, how it knew where to go, when the Smokescreen got in their eyes. I acknowledge the fact that the smokescreen was "too late" but in what reason be that in?

However, as there are flaws, there is SOME good in the story.

As stated before, the concept is good; that I can admit. Stories like these are the kind that gives me that rush that really gets the blood going. If the story was written a bit more well and explained better, I'd probably be at the edge of my seat, with a lust for more. However, I hope you can pick yourself up for the better of your future chapters.

Happy writing.