Brian Powell
Have a nice day!
- 242
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- At a Starbuck's cafe
- Seen Nov 9, 2022
A/N: No serious comedy or description here, just some random stuff that came into mind. If a mod wants to close this, it's okay.
The Pretty Short Stories Of Bill Fireman (Comedy/Parody One-Shot) Rated: K+
Hello, people. You people should know me, the name's Brian Powell, the guy everybody hates. If you don't, then you must be new, blind, deaf or dumb. Or all of the four. Speaking of which, there's this one guy who's not blind or deaf… but he's definitely dumb. Ever heard of Bill Fireman? Remember BP's Christmas Carol? Jerry the Feraligatr Hunter? Happy Bad Day? The Janitor? Of course you don't because you don't know talent if it smacked you in the face.
Bill's Ride
Ever had the very least expected happen to you?
We were sitting in a living room of my mansion, watching some TV. It was showing two women having a chat inside a café after not seeing each other for so many years. They were both inside a café wearing some casual clothing, nothing special.
"So, when am I going to meet this Falco?" one of the women asked.
"I don't think so," the other woman replied. "Falco's a bird."
"Yeah, Falco's a bird," I said with a shrug. "Very unlikely that a bird named Falco would come and pick you up."
"(Bill, ship's here)," growled Tony's voice behind us. In case you don't know. He's this big green dinosaur known as a Tyranitar. I only hired him because even though he was the last guy I wanted to hire after interviewing a bunch of people, no one else want to take the job as an assistant. When I asked them to rub Bill's feet, they all grossed out.
Moving on, I was like, "A ship? Outside my house?" You could probably picture my face when I said that. If you don't, then you have no imagination.
Bill and I stood up from our seats and walked to the door. There was a bloke standing in some sort of space pilot uniform with a falcon's head, which surprised me a lot. I was even more surprised that he had this big flying spaceship behind him, waiting to pick Bill up.
Bill looked at his watch and tapped on it a couple of times. "I'll be ready in twenty minutes, Falco, alright?" Bill said.
"The meter's running by the way," Falco warned.
Bill Interviews
Ever had to interview a bunch of weird people… or things?
One time, Bill was sitting in a boardroom at one side of a table, showing a serious look on his face, talking to a bunch of people who applied for some job. "Okay, people! Listen up!" he said. "I've learnt a lot since that Janitor story and I don't want to go down that road where Brian went. This is a serious job that you guys wanna do, not some comedy show! We don't like Friends! We don't like Animaniacs! We don't like The Simpsons! We don't like Family Guy! We don't like Naruto! We don't like Wednesdays! So, if any of you lot came here to get your fifteen minutes of fame, then you can just buzz off! Comprende!?"
Guess who he was talking to? A bunch of teddy bears, a clown, a mime, two dancers, a glamour model, a psychic, and George Bush.
"Okay, Winnie the Pooh," Bill said turning to one of his teddy bears. "Are you interested in working long hours for minimum wage?"
No answer.
"That is exactly what I want to hear. Well done."
Bill's Cheese
Ever been confused with one thing for something else?
You know those cheese shows where there would be judges judging the cheeses by tasting? Well, Bill sees them cheese shows in a different way. I told him that we're going to one the other day. Well, he took out three different blocks of cheese and a tube of Squeezy-Cheese and placed them on the nearby kitchen table. He was pointing at them one by one while barking out orders.
"Alright, Stilton, you go first, be prepared to be cut up into wedges. Edam, take your red jacket off, let's see some of your flesh. Cheddar, stay right where you are, you're doing a great job. And Cheese-Squeeze," he said as he picked up the tube of creamy cheese. "Get off my cheese board!" he yelled before chucking that tube of cheese away.
He'll be confused with chicks for 'chicks' next.
Bill Knits
Ever knitted something while doing something apart from watching telly or listening to the radio at the same time?
One time, Tony and I were standing next to pathway leading to my garage. "Tony," I said dully. "What do you see?
"(Well)," Tony growled. "(I see a closed garage next to your white mansion with green hedges surrounding both buildings, apart from the front. Why do you ask)?"
"Tony… someone stole my car."
I could pretty much guess who took my car. Yes, it was Bill. I should've made a better effort hiding those car keys. What was more peculiar than that was that he was knitting and driving the car at the same time. What was worse was that a traffic warden on his motorcycle saw what he was doing. He drove next to the car and said to Bill, "Pull over."
"Nope! A pair of socks," Bill said holding them up.
Allow him one! Well, allow me one, he's not the guy who pays fines!
Bill Learns
Ever learnt something from the telly?
He was watching a drama program one time, mainly involving doctors and nurses. At times, he does learn something.
"The great thing about the human body is that there are a pair of things," the doctor on TV said to a patient. "Arms, legs, ears, hands, lungs. If we lose one of the pair, we ought to have a backup."
Taking in what the doctor said, Bill stuck his finger up one of his nostrils. And astonishingly to him…
"I can still breathe!" he exclaimed excitedly.
Oh shame.
Bill's Fortune
Ever had your fortune told… in exchange for a cookie or a packet of them?
Bill and Tony were walking down a road after doing some shopping. Tony was carrying all the shopping while Bill only held a packet of cookies, munching as they walked along. "(Hey, Bill)," Tony growled. "(You better be careful with those cookies)."
"Why's that?" Bill asked.
"(I heard about this guy called 'Cookie-gatr'. He loves cookies, hence the name and he would do anything to get them, especially yours)."
"Well then, we have to keep our eyes open. If you see or hear this 'Cookie-gatr' let me know."
"(Hey! There he is)!" Tony roared loudly as he spotted a blue crocodile, called a Feraligatr with cookie crumbs all over his jaw. He had his head out of bushes of a nearby park but he quickly ducked down in a panic when Tony warned Bill loudly.
"Now, don't shout," Bill said. "If you shout, Cookie-gatr will hear you."
As they continued strolling, they noticed a machine the same size as a vending machine but their were no food or drink on display. They both read the following the words, 'have your fortune told, insert one packet of cookies'. The words led to an arrow pointing at a hole of the machine.
"(Er… wait a minute)," Tony growled suspiciously.
"Ooh! I love to have my fortune told," Bill said excitedly before putting the cookies into the hole. Then, there was some munching sound.
"(I hear munching)," Tony growled. "(I think a Feraligatr munches like that. I think it's the Cookie-gatr)."
"Cookie-gatr? I don't hear Cookie-gatr," Bill replied as he waited for his fortune.
After the sound of munching was done, a small card slid out from another hole of the machine. Bill took the card and read the following words aloud, "You will be kissed by a grateful Cookie-gatr."
Suddenly, the machine opened and Cookie-gatr happily jumped out of it, giving Bill a big kiss on the check. "(Thank you, old man)," he growled joyfully before skipping away, leaving Tony with a dull face and a surprised Bill.
Bill became slightly disappointed in himself because he just lost his cookies. "I'm hungry," he muttered.
To tell you something, Bill took an IQ test once and the results came back negative.
Bill's Date
Bill was all dressed up for a blind date once. He wrote up this poem to express his romantic side for his date. I got it right here...
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm a fellow
And so are you
Yes... don't you see why it won't work, Bill? Actually, he couldn't be more correct here, folks. It turned out that his blind date was a fellow named Benny.
Hmm… I wonder who set up that date then. Hehe.
Bill's Half
Ever took things literally?
One night, I was sleeping in my bed after an honest day's work. By the way, as you all should know, I'm talent critic but there are people out there who say that it's not even an honest job. What do they know? Anyway, it was about one o'clock in the morning and I heard the doorbell. I was expecting Tony to get that, it's his job after all, and I'm paying him to those things. Still, who would come to my house at this time of night?
Tony never answered the door, that lazy moron. The doorbell keeps on ringing and ringing. I've had enough and went downstairs, which I must say it's a long way down. I ought to order a slide and an elevator. I answered the door and what annoyed me is that no one was there.
I was walking back to my room and I found Bill trying to get away with my pillow when he exited my room. "Bill! What are you doing with pillow?" I shouted. "Where's your pillow?"
"Your pillow's better than mine!" Bill cried, acting like a bratty kid. To tell you people something, when you get older and when people say something like you're 'eighty-years-young'… they don't mean that you're actually 'young'.
Anyway, he goes on saying stuff like, "You got more clothes than I do! You got better shoes than I do! You're pillow is more fluffier, more cuddlier, and more softer than mine!"
"I don't care what you say," I said grabbing my pillow. "This is my pillow and you're gonna give it back to me."
"No! I want the pillow! I want the pillow! I want the pillow!"
"Okay! Okay! Okay! Tell you what, I'll buy you one tomorrow but you're giving me my pillow back!"
"No!! No! No! No! No! No!"
"Okay, fine. We'll share it," I said calmly.
That calmed him down. "Share?" he asked.
"Yes, share."
"You mean, I have half and you have half?"
"Yes!" I said. Man, this guy really ticks me off sometimes.
"Okay!"
RIIIP!
If you take away those two other 'I's in that sound effect above, you'll notice a particular word… He ripped my pillow in half! What the…?
"Thank you!" he said happily as he skipped away with half of the pillow, not to mention leaving a bunch of fluff on the floor. That pillow cost like… fifty bucks! Why did he have to take this 'half' thing literally!?
END!
The Pretty Short Stories Of Bill Fireman (Comedy/Parody One-Shot) Rated: K+
Hello, people. You people should know me, the name's Brian Powell, the guy everybody hates. If you don't, then you must be new, blind, deaf or dumb. Or all of the four. Speaking of which, there's this one guy who's not blind or deaf… but he's definitely dumb. Ever heard of Bill Fireman? Remember BP's Christmas Carol? Jerry the Feraligatr Hunter? Happy Bad Day? The Janitor? Of course you don't because you don't know talent if it smacked you in the face.
Bill's Ride
Ever had the very least expected happen to you?
We were sitting in a living room of my mansion, watching some TV. It was showing two women having a chat inside a café after not seeing each other for so many years. They were both inside a café wearing some casual clothing, nothing special.
"So, when am I going to meet this Falco?" one of the women asked.
"I don't think so," the other woman replied. "Falco's a bird."
"Yeah, Falco's a bird," I said with a shrug. "Very unlikely that a bird named Falco would come and pick you up."
"(Bill, ship's here)," growled Tony's voice behind us. In case you don't know. He's this big green dinosaur known as a Tyranitar. I only hired him because even though he was the last guy I wanted to hire after interviewing a bunch of people, no one else want to take the job as an assistant. When I asked them to rub Bill's feet, they all grossed out.
Moving on, I was like, "A ship? Outside my house?" You could probably picture my face when I said that. If you don't, then you have no imagination.
Bill and I stood up from our seats and walked to the door. There was a bloke standing in some sort of space pilot uniform with a falcon's head, which surprised me a lot. I was even more surprised that he had this big flying spaceship behind him, waiting to pick Bill up.
Bill looked at his watch and tapped on it a couple of times. "I'll be ready in twenty minutes, Falco, alright?" Bill said.
"The meter's running by the way," Falco warned.
Bill Interviews
Ever had to interview a bunch of weird people… or things?
One time, Bill was sitting in a boardroom at one side of a table, showing a serious look on his face, talking to a bunch of people who applied for some job. "Okay, people! Listen up!" he said. "I've learnt a lot since that Janitor story and I don't want to go down that road where Brian went. This is a serious job that you guys wanna do, not some comedy show! We don't like Friends! We don't like Animaniacs! We don't like The Simpsons! We don't like Family Guy! We don't like Naruto! We don't like Wednesdays! So, if any of you lot came here to get your fifteen minutes of fame, then you can just buzz off! Comprende!?"
Guess who he was talking to? A bunch of teddy bears, a clown, a mime, two dancers, a glamour model, a psychic, and George Bush.
"Okay, Winnie the Pooh," Bill said turning to one of his teddy bears. "Are you interested in working long hours for minimum wage?"
No answer.
"That is exactly what I want to hear. Well done."
Bill's Cheese
Ever been confused with one thing for something else?
You know those cheese shows where there would be judges judging the cheeses by tasting? Well, Bill sees them cheese shows in a different way. I told him that we're going to one the other day. Well, he took out three different blocks of cheese and a tube of Squeezy-Cheese and placed them on the nearby kitchen table. He was pointing at them one by one while barking out orders.
"Alright, Stilton, you go first, be prepared to be cut up into wedges. Edam, take your red jacket off, let's see some of your flesh. Cheddar, stay right where you are, you're doing a great job. And Cheese-Squeeze," he said as he picked up the tube of creamy cheese. "Get off my cheese board!" he yelled before chucking that tube of cheese away.
He'll be confused with chicks for 'chicks' next.
Bill Knits
Ever knitted something while doing something apart from watching telly or listening to the radio at the same time?
One time, Tony and I were standing next to pathway leading to my garage. "Tony," I said dully. "What do you see?
"(Well)," Tony growled. "(I see a closed garage next to your white mansion with green hedges surrounding both buildings, apart from the front. Why do you ask)?"
"Tony… someone stole my car."
I could pretty much guess who took my car. Yes, it was Bill. I should've made a better effort hiding those car keys. What was more peculiar than that was that he was knitting and driving the car at the same time. What was worse was that a traffic warden on his motorcycle saw what he was doing. He drove next to the car and said to Bill, "Pull over."
"Nope! A pair of socks," Bill said holding them up.
Allow him one! Well, allow me one, he's not the guy who pays fines!
Bill Learns
Ever learnt something from the telly?
He was watching a drama program one time, mainly involving doctors and nurses. At times, he does learn something.
"The great thing about the human body is that there are a pair of things," the doctor on TV said to a patient. "Arms, legs, ears, hands, lungs. If we lose one of the pair, we ought to have a backup."
Taking in what the doctor said, Bill stuck his finger up one of his nostrils. And astonishingly to him…
"I can still breathe!" he exclaimed excitedly.
Oh shame.
Bill's Fortune
Ever had your fortune told… in exchange for a cookie or a packet of them?
Bill and Tony were walking down a road after doing some shopping. Tony was carrying all the shopping while Bill only held a packet of cookies, munching as they walked along. "(Hey, Bill)," Tony growled. "(You better be careful with those cookies)."
"Why's that?" Bill asked.
"(I heard about this guy called 'Cookie-gatr'. He loves cookies, hence the name and he would do anything to get them, especially yours)."
"Well then, we have to keep our eyes open. If you see or hear this 'Cookie-gatr' let me know."
"(Hey! There he is)!" Tony roared loudly as he spotted a blue crocodile, called a Feraligatr with cookie crumbs all over his jaw. He had his head out of bushes of a nearby park but he quickly ducked down in a panic when Tony warned Bill loudly.
"Now, don't shout," Bill said. "If you shout, Cookie-gatr will hear you."
As they continued strolling, they noticed a machine the same size as a vending machine but their were no food or drink on display. They both read the following the words, 'have your fortune told, insert one packet of cookies'. The words led to an arrow pointing at a hole of the machine.
"(Er… wait a minute)," Tony growled suspiciously.
"Ooh! I love to have my fortune told," Bill said excitedly before putting the cookies into the hole. Then, there was some munching sound.
"(I hear munching)," Tony growled. "(I think a Feraligatr munches like that. I think it's the Cookie-gatr)."
"Cookie-gatr? I don't hear Cookie-gatr," Bill replied as he waited for his fortune.
After the sound of munching was done, a small card slid out from another hole of the machine. Bill took the card and read the following words aloud, "You will be kissed by a grateful Cookie-gatr."
Suddenly, the machine opened and Cookie-gatr happily jumped out of it, giving Bill a big kiss on the check. "(Thank you, old man)," he growled joyfully before skipping away, leaving Tony with a dull face and a surprised Bill.
Bill became slightly disappointed in himself because he just lost his cookies. "I'm hungry," he muttered.
To tell you something, Bill took an IQ test once and the results came back negative.
Bill's Date
Bill was all dressed up for a blind date once. He wrote up this poem to express his romantic side for his date. I got it right here...
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm a fellow
And so are you
Yes... don't you see why it won't work, Bill? Actually, he couldn't be more correct here, folks. It turned out that his blind date was a fellow named Benny.
Hmm… I wonder who set up that date then. Hehe.
Bill's Half
Ever took things literally?
One night, I was sleeping in my bed after an honest day's work. By the way, as you all should know, I'm talent critic but there are people out there who say that it's not even an honest job. What do they know? Anyway, it was about one o'clock in the morning and I heard the doorbell. I was expecting Tony to get that, it's his job after all, and I'm paying him to those things. Still, who would come to my house at this time of night?
Tony never answered the door, that lazy moron. The doorbell keeps on ringing and ringing. I've had enough and went downstairs, which I must say it's a long way down. I ought to order a slide and an elevator. I answered the door and what annoyed me is that no one was there.
I was walking back to my room and I found Bill trying to get away with my pillow when he exited my room. "Bill! What are you doing with pillow?" I shouted. "Where's your pillow?"
"Your pillow's better than mine!" Bill cried, acting like a bratty kid. To tell you people something, when you get older and when people say something like you're 'eighty-years-young'… they don't mean that you're actually 'young'.
Anyway, he goes on saying stuff like, "You got more clothes than I do! You got better shoes than I do! You're pillow is more fluffier, more cuddlier, and more softer than mine!"
"I don't care what you say," I said grabbing my pillow. "This is my pillow and you're gonna give it back to me."
"No! I want the pillow! I want the pillow! I want the pillow!"
"Okay! Okay! Okay! Tell you what, I'll buy you one tomorrow but you're giving me my pillow back!"
"No!! No! No! No! No! No!"
"Okay, fine. We'll share it," I said calmly.
That calmed him down. "Share?" he asked.
"Yes, share."
"You mean, I have half and you have half?"
"Yes!" I said. Man, this guy really ticks me off sometimes.
"Okay!"
RIIIP!
If you take away those two other 'I's in that sound effect above, you'll notice a particular word… He ripped my pillow in half! What the…?
"Thank you!" he said happily as he skipped away with half of the pillow, not to mention leaving a bunch of fluff on the floor. That pillow cost like… fifty bucks! Why did he have to take this 'half' thing literally!?
END!