The Reality Story

[[Fair]]

Chapter 1: Innocent Beginnings​

"For me, it was a 'Wardrobe Malfunction'... I was performing at the Super Plate Halftime Show, and for the grand finale, I was told that I was supposed to pull off a part of Ms. Whackson's costume to reveal a surprise." Bustin Cedarlake frowned. "He never mentioned that there would be nudity involved! What? WHAT? I DIDN'T KNOW!"

"I was shopping at the local grocery store, minding my own business, when he came up to me and said that my arch nemesis, Cold Finger was in the store as well. He said that Cold Finger was going to use a laser to blow a giant hole in the wall! I couldn't let that happen! HOLES ARE BAD!" James Blond sighed. "Fifty cereal boxes, a Pop Tart, and a few cash registers later, I realized that I had been tricked."

"He told me that puff the magic dragon really existed! And that buffalo wings really did come from buffalos!" Everybody in the room looked at Julia Bobberts. "What? They do, don't they?"

"He promised me a free car if I gave him my bank card and password. I never heard him mention that it was a toy car." John Dough looked over at Surelock Homes. "What'd he do to you?"

"Well, Snotson and I were fairly easily tricked into thinking that we had been tricked about being tricked." Surelock paused to scratch his head. "Yeah, both of us are still a little confused about that one."

Two members of Team Sprocket, Betty and Krames, sat in a corner of the room, observing the conversation. Betty spoke up first. "All he did to us was show us our careers as criminals. That was all - we've been tricked enough already!"

James snorted, "There will be alot more tricking still to come too, if you two idiots don't give it up!"

Krames stood up, clearly outraged. "Just you wait, Blondie, we'll get you! And your little kitty cat, too!"

"I don't own a cat!"

"Well I'll BUY you one, give it to you, and when you least expect it, take it back!"

Betty got up and hugged Krames. "Ooh, I just LOVE it when you're evil!" She said, clearly not trying to hide her happiness.

Before James could reply, John stepped in and quickly changed the subject. "So, what it all comes down to is this: we all have one common connection - Hashton Chucher. His only two passions in life are dating much older women, and apparently, tricking helpless Pellet Town citizens."

The thunder outside let out another startling boom. The lights in the room dimmed slightly.

"So you think it's Hashton that's called us to this island?" Surelock asked.

"Yes." John nodded his head.

"I wanna go home!" Julia started walking to the door, but was stopped by John.

"That's what worries me - we can't go home. The boats that brought us here have all left, and we're miles away from the nearest land. The only thing we can do now is wait for our host to show himself."

"You mean me?" The door opened, and Hashton walked in, wearing a pink suit and a feathered hat. "Yes, yes. I know I'm amazing!" Hashton chuckled to himself. "As you have all probably figured out by now, you're all connected by my popular TV show, Skunk'd. Since you're not as awesome as I clearly am, I'm sure you're probably very mad at me for tricking you!"

The assorted people in the room nodded their heads.

"And that is why I'm going to make it up to you!" Hashton smiled. "Since I'm so freaking amazing, I've managed to become stinking rich! I mean, with the TV Show, several successful movies, and the amazing action figures of me, (On Sale Now In Stores Everywhere! BUY ONE TODAY, OR YOU'RE A COMMUNIST!) I don't see how I couldn't be! And that's why I have hidden 8 million dollars somewhere in this mansion. Find it, and not only will I let you keep 1 million each, but I'll also let you leave this island."

John spoke up, with a raised eyebrow, "How do we know that this isn't another one of your stupid pranks?"

"Ah, good question! Since I'm so amazingly psychic, I knew one of you would ask that!" Hashton pulled out what looked like a Television remote and pushed the power button. A large television slowly lowered into the room from the ceiling. It turned on, and the image of a small, shriveled old man could be seen.

"Todd," The man said. "I'm tired of this Hashton brat. When do we get to leave?" The man waited a moment and nodded his head a few times as if he was agreeing with somebody. "Yes, I think so, too!"

Hashton rolled his eyes and looked back at the other people around the room. "Don't mind ol' Sloane Of Arc," He whispered. "he thinks that he can talk to some guy named Todd, but I think he's just crazy."

"Why don't you fire him, then?" James asked.

"He's willing to work for less than minimum wage, and recieve no health benefits! Being the fantastic cheapskate I am, I can't complain!" Hashton turned back to the screen and cleared his throat. "Sloane, can you please show my guests the money?"

"Yes, sir!" Sloane reached under the table he was sitting at and produced eight giant white sacks. They all had a tempting green "$" symbol on them. Sloane then grabbed the camera and one by one, used it to show the money in each sack.

"Great, now do me a favor, and take the camera to the window, will you? Prove that you're on this island with us."

"Yes sir!" Sloane grabbed the camera and took it over to the window. He opened the curtains and proved that he was indeed on the island.

"But how do we know that you haven't taped this, Hashton?" Surelock asked, with a look of skepticism on his face.

"Well, since I'm so amazing, I'll let you ask good ol' Sloane a question! I couldn't possibly predict what you'd ask, now could I?"

Surelock thought for a moment, and his face lit up as he got a good question to ask. The other people in the room could almost see the lightbulb lighting up above his head. "Do you know how to dance, Sloane?"

"Why, yes... Yes I do!"

"Do the chicken dance!"

"Alright..." Sloane turned away from the camera for a moment and looked to his side. "Yes, Todd! I know he's a pinhead. What? You want me to do WHAT? But, Todd! The shotgun's at home! I'm sorry! I had to! That Hashton idiot has metal detectors all over this stupid place!"

"Ahem!" Hashton was trying to snap Sloane out of it. "Sloane, you heard the girly man, do it!"

"Girly?!" Surelock started, but he was interrupted by a sudden outburst of clucking from the TV.

Sloane was doing a great chicken impersonation, but he wasn't dancing. Instead, Sloane was stomping around, breaking everything in sight with his "Wings".

"Oh, for the love of Todd, stop that! I paid for all the furniture in this place, you know!" Hashton rubbed his face, and muttered, "If only a talented team of architects and interior decorators would knock on the door and ask to remodel this old mansion of mine."

Just then, the door bell rang. "Who is it?" Hashton asked, running to answer it. He opened the door, and a crowd of people jumped in at him.

"Hi!" Said one. "My name is Thai Pennington, and I'd love to redesign your house for my TV show, Extreme Makeover: Celebrity Home Edition! Behind me is my specialized team that's dedicated to make this happen!" Thai turned around and started pointing them out. "Let's see here, there's the interior decorators, the wood workers, the architects, and of course, the GAY GUYS! (They're here to give YOU a makeover, my friend!)"

"Wow! And this is all free, right?" Hashton asked.

"Indeed it is! We can even start right now! It'll only take a week!"

"And if it takes more than a week?"

"Don't worry, we've got ways to make you forget!" Thai winked.

The various workers spread out around the four level mansion and got right to it.

Completely ignored, the houseguests looked at each other, wondering what to do.

Suddenly, over the loud sounds of jack hammers and drills, Betty and Krames started chanting, "If only we could fly. If only we could fly. If only we could fly. If only we could fly. If only we cou..."

 

[[Fair]]

Chapter 2: Hashton's New Show​

Seven Days Later...

"...ld fly. If only we could fly. If only we could fly. If only we could fly. If only we could fly."

James looked over and said, "You two are true idiots, you know that?"

Before they could reply, Hashton, followed by all the people from Extreme Makeover, came down the steps and led them out the door. "Bye guys! Thanks for everything! Man, they're almost as awesome as ME!"

Hashton returned to the room. "Now, where was I?"

"Well, we believe that the money's actually here now." James said.

"Ah yes, the money! As I was saying before I was interrupted, 8 million dollars is hidden in this mansion. Find it, and I'll let you leave! Meanwhile, I'll be watching your progress through the many cameras I have placed everywhere."

"Cameras?"

"Yes! Cameras! Your crazy antics are going to become my new TV show, which I have decided to call, 'Big Mother'! I've even got a slogan worked out for it! Tell me what you think. 'When you don't have anything else to do, watch yo Mama!'"

Hashton excitedly looked around the room, but recieved nothing but blank stares in return. "Um, maybe I still need to work on it." He scratched his head. "Well, anyways, I'm off to my super secret control room now! See ya!"

Hashton left the room. Suddenly, a loud clap of thunder sounded outside, and the lights in the room went out. Bathed in complete darkness, nobody could see a thing.

"Wow, it's still raining?" Came a voice from one side of the room.

"Yes, that's what you call a 'Plot Hole', James. It's something that nobody, not even the author of this story can explain."

"Oh, I see!"

The lights flickered back on momentarily, and the people in the room could see a large elephant standing amongst them. Then the lights went back out.

"Was that a plot hole, too?"

"For our sake, I sure hope so!"

Outside the room, the guests could hear a cry for help. They all rushed to where it sounded like it came from, and Julia Bobberts provided a small amount of light using a match. Looking down, they saw Hashton laying on the floor.

"Is he unconcio...Wait a minute, is that blood?" John asked, looking closer at the fallen celebrity.

"John, he's been stabbed!" James said.

Julia screamed, and blew out the match. "I DON'T WANNA LOOK!"

"Julia! Light another match!" John shouted, angrily.

"No! I don't like dead things!"

"But you eat dead things all the time!"

"What?"

"Well, you eat meat, don't you?"

"You mean..?"

"Yes, Julia! Meat comes from animals!"

Julia screamed again. John was about to ask her to light another match, but the lights came back on. Julia screamed yet another time, and ran into a corner. She sat down and started sucking her thumb, rocking back and forth.

"Let me take a look at him." Surelock said, pushing through the crowd. "Hmmm, it appears that poor ol' Hashton has been stabbed with a candle."

James looked up. "A candle?"

Snotson interrupted, "No, that looks more like the work of a wrench."

John rolled his eyes. "While you're at it, you might as well consider a REVOLVER! Or a rope!"

"Would that be a CLUE(TM), John?" Surlock asked, as he lit his pipe.

The power went out again.

"I wish it would stop doing that!" Somebody shouted.

The lights came back on, and this time it was Betty's turn to scream.

"THE BODY! THE BODY IS GONE!" She exclaimed, scared out of her wits.

Sure enough, where Hashton once lay was now nothing but a puddle of blood.

James, being an experienced "C EYE A" agent, knew exactly what to do. "Alright," He started. "to solve this mystery, since we're stuck here anyway, I suggest that we split up into two 'Tribes'."

"Tribes? Why not search teams?" Krames asked.

"NO! Tribes are cooler than search teams!"

Krames scowled, but decided to not continue the fight.

James smiled and continued. "Ok. John, Surelock, Snotson and I will be the OOGABOOGA Tribe! The rest of you, Bustin, Team Sprocket and Julia will be the OOMPALOOMPA Tribe! Now, this is the part where we split up and look for CLUE(TM)s!"

"LET'S GO!"

 

[emeraldslay]

I've got three words:

What the hell!?!?

 

[Act]

Just for the record, a plotole isn't an inexplicable occurence, its an inconsistance; something the author writes but fails to elaborate causing confusion. It is usually an idea that is started briefly but abandoned.

If you must post a story with such a... decrepid plotline, at least write it well. This was lacking grammatical expertise, as well as any decription whatsoever. It made next to no sense.

For another record, this is not a forum for original fiction.

 

[FireEmporer]

*Takes out a flame thrower and burns this thread* WHAT? Someone lock this! This is in the wrong fourm and pointless *Looks for moderator*

 

[Lily]

*Moves*

>) Now now, only Pokemon fanfictions can come here, sorry.

SO...Other Writing it goes. ^^;

 

[Blaine]

... I thoroughly enjoy the satirical nature! Bravo, [Fair], bravo. This is simply pure hilarity and I commend you on your work.

 

[[Fair]]

Heh, ok, in my own defense, this story does have Pok?mon elements in it. I posted another story called, "The Pellet Town Heist", in your fan fiction board a while ago, and it was never moved. (It was even less Pok?money than this one... :P) So, I figured I had the right forum for this story. I apologize for any inconven...aw, crap... Hang on, I've gotta pull up Word(TM) here. Inconvenence...no...inconvienience...that's not right either...inconvenience...that's it! *Ahem* I apologize for any inconveniences that my story may have caused your innocent, unsuspecting forum.

Also, to ActOnThat and FireEmporer, this story isn't supposed to make sense! ;) It's supposed to be random and hopefully, funny! It looks like Blaine understands what I was going for here! :P

A warning to anybody who enters this thread looking for something serious with a good plot to read: turn around and check out a different thread. If you want to read something that's logical and full of the great morals that you might want to teach your children, my story will only disappoint you. Go. Leave while you still can. To anybody who's still here - you just might like what my story has to offer, and if I can make you laugh at least once, I've done my job. :D

I'll post the rest of this story as soon as the PE2K forums come back. (The best copy of it, with all of the changes I made, is currently only there.)

 

[[Fair]]

Chapter 3: Fear​

"Hello, and welcome to the first ever episode of 'Survivor: Dude, Where Are We?'. In case you can't tell from the title, our captain got a wee bit drunk, and crashed the boat on this island. It doesn't help matters any that it happened in the middle of the night, either. Anyhoo, since I'm stuck here anyway, I might as well narrate this tale of Mysterious Mysteries! (Sorry, my writer usually comes up with better lines, but he got drunk too.) I'm your host, the one and only, Jeff Probes!

"It appears that the OOMPALOOMPA tribe has gone to the second floor of the mansion, and the OOGABOOGA tribe has ventured up to the third floor. Who'll find the cash first? Nobody knows, but my money's on OOMPALOOMPA!"


[OOMPALOOMPA TRIBE]

"Well, this floor is certainly less creepy than the first! That's for sure!" Julia said, with relief.

"Indeed, I just hope that nothing creepy..."

"WHO DARES TO TRESPASS ON MY FLOOR?"

"...happens." Krames sighed. "Why oh why did I have to tick off that witch doctor? My luck is just AWFUL!" Krames sighed again, and looked up to where he thought the bodiless voice might have come from. "We're treasure hunters, Mr. Scary Voice Thing!"

"ARE YOU BRAVE TREASURE HUNTERS?"

Krames thought about it for a minute. "Sure, I guess."

"GOOD. THEN YOU MAY TAKE THE FEAR FACTOR CHALLENGE."

"The...what?" Betty asked, puzzled.

"THE FEAR FACTOR CHALLENGE. YOU MUST OVERCOME YOUR FEARS. SUCCEED, AND I'LL LET YOU INTO THE VAULT ROOM."

"Ooh! Vault room! That sounds promising!" Julia said.

"What if it's a trick?" Betty asked.

"Good question, Betty! Um, what if we don't do it, Mr. Scary Voice Dude?" Krames inquired.

"THEN I SHALL HAVE TO CRUSH YOU ALL ONE BY ONE LIKE THE SMALL WORTHLESS BUGS YOU ARE WITH MY INCREDIBLY LARGE INVISIBLE HANDS!"

"Ouch. We'll do it then." Krames gulped.

"GOOD!"

A few steps down the hall, a door opened. The tribe went in, and looked around. Bugs were everywhere in this room. Crawling on furniture, the ceiling, and even the door they had just opened. Julia, of course, screamed.

"EACH OF YOU MUST EAT A BUG. FAIL, AND I SHALL KILL YOU ALL!"

Krames gulped again. He didn't need to be told twice. He reached down and picked up a particularly juicy spider. Choking back the gags he felt coming, Krames dropped it into his mouth and swallowed. Bustin silently did the same. But the two women of the tribe were having trouble with the task.

"I don't wanna!" Betty screamed.

"Neither do I!" Julia agreed.

A knock came at the door. Krames turned around and asked, "Who's there?"

"KNUCKLE SANDWICH!" The voice shouted. "EAT THE BUGS!"

The girls screamed again. This time though, it wasn't a bad thing - Krames got an idea. He reached down and picked up two Cockroaches. Bugs in hand, he turned to the girls and said, "Betty! Julia! The bugs! THEY'RE CRAWLING UP YOUR LEGS!"

"WHERE?!?!?! WHERE?!?!?!" They screamed, in unison.

Krames threw the bugs into their opened, oversized mouths, and out of panic and sheer surprise, each of them swallowed the creepy crawlers.

The voice started laughing. "GOOD! GOOD! I LIKE IT! THE NEXT DOOR HAS BEEN OPENED!"

Anxious to get away from the bugs, the tribe ran out and found their next objective. The only thing in this room was a ladder.

"WELCOME TO THE SECOND CHALLENGE! THE SPINNING LADDER OF DOOM!" On cue, the ladder started spinning. "GET ON THE LADDER!"

Each tribe member followed the order, and the floor below them opened into a seemingly endless hole.

The voice laughed again. "I BET ALL OF YOU ARE AFRAID OF HEIGHTS!"

The ladder started spinning faster, and faster. So fast, that it made one of Julia's sandles fall off her foot. She looked down and watched helplessly as her designer footwear fell into the pit of dispair.

"Great, now I'll have to buy new ones!"

A second later, she could hear it hitting what sounded like something soft.

"Or will I?" Julia asked, thinking about it. "Guys! Just let go!" Julia yelled, as she released her grip on the ladder.

"Juliaaaaaaaaaa!" Krames shouted, in an overly dramatic kind of way, fearing for the worst.

"Yes?"

"You're alright?"

"Alright? Or course! That voice thing's got tons of pillows down here! Jump down!"

One by one, the rest of the tribe did the same, and each of their landings were nicely broken by an extra cushy pillow.

"NO! SANDALS! I HATE SANDALS! I SWEAR, EVERYTIME I DO THIS CHALLENGE, SOMEBODY'S SANDALS ALWAYS RUIN MY FUN!"

"Why don't you just take out the pillows, then?" Betty asked.

"I CAN'T - THE SAFETY INSPECTOR OF THIS ISLAND WOULD KILL ME IF HE FOUND OUT! UGH!"

"Huh... Well, how do we get out of here?" Krames shouted up the hole.

"THERE'S AN ELEVATOR!"

"Oh cool, you have an elevator down here?"

"YES! THE EXTREME MAKEOVER PEOPLE PUT IT IN LAST WEEK!"

The tribe went up the elevator and saw that another door had opened. This room was different from all the others - it actually looked semi-inviting. The walls were painted a rich red, and the floors were all wooden. Lining the room were bookcases filled with plenty to read. In the center of the wall directly in front of the entrance was a fireplace, beckoning the tribe inside. Four plush chairs sat in the middle of the room. Understanding what they were probably supposed to do, the tribe sat down in them.

"WELCOME, TO THE FINAL CHALLENGE! THIS IS YOUR MOST DIFFICULT TASK YET - YOU MUST LISTEN TO LOVE SONGS FOR AN HOUR WITHOUT LEAVING!"

The girls looked delighted, but the guys just groaned. Speakers lowered from the ceiling and a moment later, they began to play the music. And so started the longest part of Krames's life.

"Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know, that something wasn't right here? Oh baby baby..."

59 Minutes And 50 Seconds Later...

"...You're here, there's nothing I fear, and I know that my heart will go on, we'll stay forever this way You are safe in my heart, and my heart will go on and on."

"TIME! GOOD, YOU SURVIVED!"

The girls were crying, wiping their eyes on Krames's Team Sprocket uniform. "Oh, wasn't that just beautiful, Krames?"

Krames twitched a few times, and sarcasticly replied, "Sure, Betty, sure." Krames twitched again. "I think my ears are bleeding..."

The door opened, and the tribe walked into the hallway for what they hoped would be one of the last times. At the end of the hall, they could see that the last door was open. Tired, they walked in and saw their goal at last - the safe.

"What's the combo?" Krames asked.

"ZERO!"

"Ok, got it. Next?"

"ZERO!"

"Next one?"

"ZERO!"

"HEY! That's my safe combo, too! You rock Mr. No-Body!" Julia giggled to herself.

Krames rolled his eyes and opened the safe. What he found inside wasn't the 8 million dollars he was hoping for, but instead all he could see were stacks and stacks of Pok?mon cards.

"What...why are there Pok?mon cards in your safe? You're supposed to keep MONEY in here!" Krames shouted, very angry.

"SILLY HUMAN, THOSE CARDS ARE AS GOOD AS MONEY! THEY'RE ALL FIRST EDITION, LIMITED QUANTITY, FOIL CARDS FROM THE FIRST SET! IN A FEW YEARS, THEY'LL BE WORTH MILLIONS!"

"No they won't! Nobody cares about Pok?mon cards anymore! People realized that they were nothing more than a cleverly engineered way to steal all of your money!"

"AH. THAT SUCKS. YOU SEE, I HAVEN'T LEFT THE HOUSE IN A WHILE, SO I DON'T KNOW THESE THINGS..." The tribe heard what they thought sounded like the voice choking back tears. "WILL YOU BE MY FRIENDS? I'M VERY LONELY IN THIS MANSION! PLEASE? YOU CAN STAY HERE FOREVER!"

Krames turned to the tribe and whispered, "Back away slowly. When you get close to the staircase door, run for it!"

"HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? COME BACK!"

OOMPALOOMPA Didn't listen. They just kept backing down the hall.

"I SAID GET BACK HERE!"

Krames turned to his tribe again and shouted, "Forget that, run for it NOW!"

They could feel the hands of the voice behind them, getting closer, and closer, until,

"SHUT IT! SHUT THE DOOR, GUYS!" Krames shouted, diving out. They managed to slam it shut just in time.

The tribe sat down and caught their breath. But fate wasn't going to let them rest. The lights went out again, and a scream shattered the silence of the mansion. When the lights came back on, Julia Bobberts was gone. The only thing left was another puddle of blood.