Okay, here's my review! I warn you, I focus on the negative, so positive comments will be rare. I think I may have worded my review rather harshly, so I apologize in advance.
Prequel
By the time I was five, and Rowan three, Josephine was born. According to my parents, Josephine was just as gorgeous as I was when I'd been born. Rowan, being Rowan, decided to start poking my younger sister. Mum wouldn't have any of it.
He was immediately sent out of the room, with his punishment being no dessert for a week. Being a three-year-old, he chucked a tantrum, which caused me to raise my eyebrow in disgust. I mean, come on! This was a public hospital. Patients shouldn't have to put up with a three-year-old's outburst.
Uh, Tara is a five-year-old here. I highly doubt she would raise her eyebrow in disgust. More likely, she'd just giggle that her younger brother was getting into trouble. And seriously, no dessert for a week for being curious about his new sister? That's harsh.
Alright, I was a bit confused at first about your POV thing before I figured out Tara's narrating italics and Josephine is doing the normal text.
An unintentional sneeze from overhead alerted me to the fact that someone was spying on us. I shielded Natalie as I quickly turned around. Mum, Dad, Row-... My eyes widened in shock. Whoever had been spying on us had taken Rowan, and left Mum and Dad unharmed. I then narrowed my eyes. It must've been a Psychic with teleporting abilities. But who has those sort of powers? I asked myself. But just to be sure... "Hey Mum, where did Rowan go?"
This passage confuses me somewhat. There was a sneeze overhead (what, is this mysterious person flying?) and Josephine concludes that Rowan must have been kidnapped. Pretty big leap there; couldn't Rowan have just wandered off since he apparently doesn't care?
Okay, here's a problem I was noticing:
But she was no normal psychic; she had been able to hide her spiritual powers, preventing her from being discovered.Upon hearing the order to fall back, she nodded once and knelt down.
"Speak up, boy!" Another voice snapped.This was the voice of Ross, the second-in-command.
I think it'd be better if you kept the green highlighted things to yourself. They don't really flow well and could probably be better revealed later, when we actually know the characters you're talking about.
"Yes, I do,"the boy responded, as he stood tall in response to the order.
"Ask, and you shall receive," the man countered.
What was he countering?
Also, I'm having trouble that Rowan is so interested in power. He's twelve, what kid that age care about that sort of stuff? In my experience, they're not interested in anyone's future, but only want to enjoy themselves.
Unbeknownst to even herself, she was a product of Giovanni's cloning tests.
Yeah, this totally isn't needed. Instead of spoiling stuff right off that bat, keep it to yourself and build up the mystery of who this strange woman is.
Fiona blinked a few times, then... "OH MY GOD! My son wants to be a trainer! Oh Rowan, good on you!"
Her eldest daughter just died and she care's about this sort of stuff?
I silently gasped when I realized who the ghost was. It was my sister, Tara.
"I see you've recognized me. But this isn't exactly a good time. I've come to warn you about the one who will defect. Beware your brother! For the one whom defects will cause more trouble than you can possibly imagine!"
Tara's ghostly outline began to fade, satisfied that she had done her job.
"Wait!" I cried out. "I miss you!"
Tara's last words were brief as the last of her spirit faded. "As I you."
Alright, so Tara is suddenly a guardian angel or something like that. Was she a psychic or something? How can she do that?
"Mew..." My brother's voice was static due to Zapdos' Electric abilities.
"Zapdos..." Mine was telepathic.
"So... It... Has... Come... To... This..."we spoke in unison.
What? And now they're suddenly chosen ones? Why do legendary Pokemon need to choose people?
What's more, if my parents were to discover this they, too, would disown him.
Rowan's twelve and his parents would apparently give up on him so easily?
Zapdos
I controlled the boy because the 'seeking power' aura he exuded was exactly what I wanted. Together, we would be unstoppable. Mew attempted to stop me, saying that the Trinity would not accept my thirst for supremacy. I was tempted to lunge at her, for I didn't care about the other two one little bit.
When I bonded with the human, I had to assume a similar form. I felt slightly less authoritarian as one of his kind, but I thought nothing of it as I was his advisor.
Alright, we have some answers here. I feel a bit better now that it's understood that Mew chose Josephine specifically to get through to Zapdos.
Also, I suggest you rewrite the green sentence because I had to double-take to get its full meaning.
"Celebi and Articuno have become fascinated with a New Bark and Pewterian-born duo respectively. Myself? A Pallet-born redhead has me spellbound. What about you, Mewtwo?" Mew continued, as though there had been no interruption whatsoever.
Okay, it's apparently not because of Zapdos that Josephine was chosen. Why are legendaries choosing people? If they have to, why now of all times?
Whereas Mew was quite happy to telepathically say farewell to the departing Titan of Fire, as Magnus left the Forest.
This sentence doesn't make sense. Using 'Whereas' means you're going to compare something and there's no comparing here.
Having set up residency in Saffron City, the fact remained that the Kantonian royal family was not of Kantonian blood. In fact, they had escaped their homeland just in time.
Now that the noble aristocrats lived in Kanto, they would have to quickly adjust to the Kantonian way of life. It was said that they had had three children but, strangely enough, only two were with them when they arrived. Rumours began spreading that the oldest had been a royal knight who had his life taken from him in the line of action.
The queen and the next oldest child, also a male, did nothing to stop these rumours – though they knew the truth. And so the Regan clan did what they could to survive in an unfamiliar region. But as the years passed, the remaining son began to harbour a desire to quit nobility and just be a normal trainer.
Yeah, I have no clue what's going on in this scene.
First thoughts: things are pretty confusing and I just can't get over the 'chosen by legendaries' thing. This is more my fault than yours because this type of plot always stretches my disbelief to the breaking point. You also have a problem of revealing things too soon and you break any sense of mystery. Letting your reader try to figure stuff out for themselves makes them curious about the story and will keep reading to figure it out. If you spoil it, readers will have an easy time leaving the story and you don't want that.
I think you're trying too hard to paint Rowan as a villain. He's just a kid in most of this chapter and while they can be bratty and not understand that they shouldn't fight with people, they can't be pure evil. Right now, Rowan is pretty 2D and has no good points, which doesn't make him very interesting. Josephine also isn't that interesting but that's more because we haven't seen her much and I don't really have a grasp on her personality.
If you'd stop spoiling thing, you'd probably have a pretty good mystery on your hands. The story is set up to be epic and I liked how you described Sinnoh as pretty much unlivable due to Zapdos (I never liked Sinnoh that much, so that's a plus in my book).
Anyway, on to the next chapter!
Prologue
"I'm sorry,Arthur, but it's our duty to keep you from leaving!" one of the guards shouted as he continued to block Arthur from leaving.
That seems like a pretty informal way of addressing a prince.
Victoria said,"Iceheart," and simply walked away from the window. The guards were injured, but she knew it would happen.
I'm kind of surprised how short the chapter was. I was expecting something prequel length. Though, I'm glad things are starting to clear up. Arthur seems like an interesting fellow and I'm wondering what Pokemon Iceheart is. A Glaceon, perhaps?
Chapter One
When Charles arrived from Sinnoh at the age of twelve, she became rivals with him.
This act in itself completely destroyed Alexis' trust in Fiona-
Wait, what? How is that a betrayal? And if Fiona can't remember her past, how does she remember that?
The Harris' were able to understand him because he had been with them since he'd been born, which was a few years ago now.
I question this because I can't see how an animal can be understood like that. It doesn't matter how intelligent Pokemon are, but if an Eevee can only speak in growls and barks, these's no way they could be understood in words. It'd make more sense if the Pokemon could be understood only vaguely by the emotion in their cries (like, a low-pitched cry can be sad or angry and a high-pitched for perkiness) or even their body language.
Though, talking Pokemon is a pet peeve for me, so feel free to ignore the previous paragraph as nitpicking.
"Release the Pokémon within!" her father barked, reminding her that he was the cousin of Volkner, the Gym Leader of Sunyshore.
This made me laugh; I can't imagine any adult saying that with a straight face. Oddly, the phrase reminds me of Card Captor Sakura for some reason.
It had been just yesterday, amidst the shocking exit of Prince Arthur from Saffron Castle, that Mike – an Aide of Professor Oak's – had come to the Harris residency. He'd given Charles the Poké Ball and made him promise not to reveal it to anyone, except his oldest daughter and only on the day of her journey. He had also mentioned that the creature within was one of four smuggled Pokémon, but wouldn't go into any more detail.
I'm kind of confused why this is in the middle of the text. Is Charles thinking? Either way, it doesn't really fit.
I like your choice of first Pokemon, by the way. Shinx is rare to see and it's nice that Josephine is starting with a Pokemon from a different region.
You know, it's kind of odd, because already I've seen a jump in quality between the prequel and this chapter. Was the prequel written months before you posted it, because I'm really surprised at the big gap between the two. Maybe it's because things aren't as hectic and jumping around, but either way, good job.
Chapter Two
"How long has Rowan been gone now, Mum?" Natalie asked in a high-pitched voice, as she ran into the room.
Yeah, you could have definitely chosen a better way to explain how long Rowan has been gone for. He's her older brother, so of course she'd already know.
Her mother's familiar face filled the screen, with Eevee curled up on top of her head.
That's absolutely adorable, I have to say, though wouldn't it be uncomfortable? I can't even have my own cat on my lap because he'll dig his claws into my skin and I can only imagine how painful it would be for claws to be digging into my scalp.
One of the equine Pokémon, a quiet-natured stallion, turned his majestic head and spoke rapidly to the mare in Spanish. <Tan oyó usted las noticias de nuestros dueños? El rumor lo tiene ese Cohete de Equipo ha tenido una resurrección. ¡Cómo horrorizar! A semejanza de miradas habrá mucho más patrulla de ahora en adelante.>
This confuses me. The brackets indicate that a Pokemon is talking Pokemon and it's translated into English, but here a Rapidash is talking Spanish when they don't even have those type of vocal cords- and I'm really, really confused. Not that the Rapidash really matters, but I'm still confused.
Anyways, your description is good and I like both battles. I also like the choice of Josephine's second Pokemon; Sandshrew are rather awesome and should be used more.
Chapter Three
Facing the Pokémon, the teen questioned the Shinx. "A Psychic type? Which one?"
<The smell was unmistakably that of an Alakazam,> came the response.
How does Riley know what an Alakazam smells like? Clone or not, didn't the Shinx come from Sinnoh, which doesn't have any of those Pokemon in the wild?
The scene with Rowan and Pandora confused me at first. When you first referred to Rowan, the image that popped into my head was the Pokemon professor from Sinnoh and it was only when the scene went on that I understood. Nothing you can do about that, but you have to be careful when naming characters to make sure that a canon character doesn't share the same name. I also had the same problem when I was creating one of my own characters, William, who was going to be named Will, but was changed at the last minute because a Johto Elite Four person already shared the same name.
Also, I was rather befuddled by Pandora, who I didn't understand was a Palkia until I reread the scene. Maybe you could have described her a bit more.
Twenty minutes later, our heroine emerged from the shower-
Bit of a nitpick, but in my opinion, referring to Josephine as 'our heroine' breaks the fourth wall and throws me out of the story.
The redhead was able to understand Riley's tone of Pokéspeech, thanks to four years of living with her family's serious-natured Eevee.
This would make more sense if Riley was a similar species to Eevee, but a Shinx seems very distant, not even from the same region or type.
<Is that the best you got?> she taunted.
Scyla grinned.
Alakazam have long snouts, so they can't really grin. Their mouths don't move that way.
Anyways, battle between the Alakazam and Riley was interesting. Good thing Sabrina came along or Josephine would have totally gotten owned.
Right now, I'm have a bit of trouble keeping track of all the characters. It's only Chapter Three and you've introduced so many people already. Spreading it out more would help and allow us to get attached to the characters without using our time to sort out who's who.
Chapter Four
Your mother was a victim of a science experiment donetoher by Team Rocket's leading scientist, Sabrina thought-
-but what intrigued Sabrina the most was the two words Riley uttered in Pokéspeech. <Skyshadow... poachers...>
I think it'd make a bit more sense if Sabrina read what was on Riley's mind instead of the Shinx just saying it. Really, do you know anyone who talks in their sleep? I certainly don't.
Miss Barrett was no Healer-
Tell the audience Sabrina's last name before using it so we don't get confused.
Sabrina will mentor Josephine;Candice,Rachel;Will,Paul;and I,you.
It looks like your writing down first and last names. Now, I'm not actually sure if my corrections are right, but they were the first thing I thought of.
So, after a talk that stretched that went through different scenes (which I liked, by the way), there came a meeting, where I stopped. Honestly, by that time, I was starting to skim. My suspension of disbelief only stretches so far and I can't just believe legendaries walk around in human bodies. Maybe Mew and even Mewtwo, but no one else. That's just not suited to my personal Pokemon canon.
So, my opinion on the prequel and the first three (and a half) chapters:
First off, it's confusing. I think the reason for that is a mix of too many characters in such a short time, and you don't really explain yourself. It's hard to describe, but I can't just accept people are walking around with psychic powers, legendaries are taking the form of humans and Pokemon are intelligent- maybe that's more my problem then yours, but it's something I can't accept easily.
Sometimes, you even over describe too much, usually when you describing a person. I noticed you listed ages of a character, what they're wearing and sometimes even their history… that's stuff that's not really needed. We (or maybe it's just me) don't care how old a character is and you really only need to vaguely describe someone. We can fill in the blanks by ourselves. Anything history related can wait until we start getting attached to the characters. Right now, it's kind of info-dump-ish.
As said, you have too many characters and things are going so quickly, I have a hard time keeping up. You're not even at your first badge and already we have what, fifteen characters we need to keep track of? Slow down, the world isn't going to explode if you spread this stuff out.
For characters, there's not really much I can say of them. They don't really leave much of an impression. Josephine seems fairly generic, and Rowan is still 2D, but he's the villain and is probably going to be fleshed out later. The only other ones that I can really name are Riley, Juri and Nighthawk. I like Juri more than Riley because the Sandshrew is very quiet and doesn't battle, which leaves more of an impression than Riley in my book. Nighthawk is an angry person, but with a name like that, even if it's a codename, at least he has an excuse.
Another thing that bugged me was Team Rocket. Nothing really specific, though I thought the organization was a way for Giovanni to use Pokemon to make / for money, even if it had rather fanatical members that loved their leader (the reason behind the Johto incidents, I believe). It just seems too diabolical-ish to me.
Nighthawk is another matter. He's twelve and has a mohawk. While really weird, there's nothing wrong with that, but it just paints an image that's impossible to take seriously. Also, he's twelve and is apparently important in Team Rocket. I wouldn't be so concerned if he was older than twelve, but really, who would trust a twelve year old (especially one that looks like that) to make decisions "in Team Rocket's name."?
Okay, one final thing and that concerns the prequel. I don't see the point of it. While nice, the prequel's events could be better explained in story and as it is, it ruined potential major mysteries. Take Josephine's and Rowan's sibling relationship, for example. You didn't have to reveal it at the beginning, you could have kept it in the dark, while throwing hints of who this mysterious Rowan character is and where Josephine's lost brother may be. Actually, it's kind of obvious when I write it like that, but it could still throw a sense of mystery over the story.
And really, I wouldn't have much of an issue with the prequel if it wasn't attached the main story like this. I usually skip author notes, so as I was reading, I was under the impression that the prequel was actually the prologue (and that the thread heading, 'The Resurrection's Beginning and Apocalyptic Dawn', was the full title of your story). It was only when I got to the real prologue did I realize. The way you've put the stories in the same thread make the prequel much more of a prologue than a prequel, one that you have to read since you think it's really part of the story, instead of an extension.
Okay, I'm off the bad parts now, that's all the issues I had with the story, and really, some of them are mine. I just can't handle a chosen one fic. In my mind, Pokemon are just animals that are slightly more intelligent than your average animal and that have super powers. That includes the legendaries, who are just really powerful Pokemon that are common in myths and legends. Hence, 'legendaries'. Your fic just goes too far off my personal tastes to be comfortable.
I liked how you handled some stuff, though. Unlike most people, the Pokemon you chose for Josephine were unique, but also common. Shinx can be considered only rare because they're from a different region, and really, as I went through the story, I kept having to remind myself that this took place in Kanto, not Sinnoh. It's really not often you see a Pokemon crossing over regions, though that may because I don't read too many Pokemon fanfics.
You certainly got your battles down and they were all entertaining and distinct, so I have no complaints there.
Another thing I liked is that you're using the gym leaders and elite fours members. In most other fics, they'd be ignored, or one-shot characters, but here, they're set up to be major characters. Sabrina, especially, is this. I've always thought she'd make a great character.
… Wow, this has to be the longest review I've ever written.
Even if I didn't finish the story, I'm posting this anyways. I usually don't since whenever I get a review from a person who didn't finish the story (I sometimes get these on FF.net) and they ask questions like I'm doing, I'm always thinking to myself, 'Dude, those questions are answered in later chapters! I wrote the early chapters months ago, all your advice is way too late to be any use!' Well, something like that, anyway.
I looked at some of your more recent chapters and they seemed much better, even just by skimming it. I suggest you go back to your earlier chapters and revise them to reflect your current writing style and maybe make them less confusing. Adding a bit more description, subtracting some, and so forth.
Well, that's all I can say. You have a set up for a great story, you just need to work on the presentation. With the earlier chapters, anyways.