The stain of blood- PG-13

[Tamer Marco]

A little something I thought of. Haven't posted it at other forums yet, though. =(

Introduction

A dark alleyway surrounded two men. A cloaked figure with a large Mightyena croaked, "You got the money?" A man with a cheap suit and a breifcase moaned, "... Bu-but, I already paied you. Please... just give me back my little Spinda." The Mightyena beside the man barked viciously. "THAT WAS THE UP-FRONT PAYMENT!" the figure bellowed, his voice booming through the alleyway. The Mightyena barked even louder, only restrained by its masters hand. The nice looking man shook his head violently, and kicked the breifcase in his hand so it would open. Inside was a large sum of money. "Here's your money." he said with total shame. Carefully, he put the breifcase down, and slid it over which was stopped by the cloaked man. The sun descended down its usual path, leaving no hope for the man who was at the figure's mercy. "You can go now." the cloaked figure said. "My-my Spinda!" the man cried. "You... can... go... now." the figure said. Even though he was wearing a black cloak, you could easily see that his frusturation was growing. The man dashed off, leaving his Spinda in the man's care. The cloaked figure then turned to his Mightyena. "That man..." he began. "Is your dinner. Go." The figure released his hold on the Mightyena, and the cries of the man meant nothing to the figure. If you asked him, he would say he couldn't hear them. He would also deny being human.

 

[Breezy]

Pretty interesting plotwise Marco. :) Poor nice-looking man. It kinda reminds me of that one kid in Cinnawood that had his Pok?mon stolen and he wanted you to take care of his Pok?mon 'cept I dunno if that bad man is going to take care of Spinda.

Anyhoo, new lines start when different characters speak such as:
A dark alleyway surrounded two men. A cloaked figure with a large Mightyena croaked, "You got the money?"

A man with a cheap suit and a breifcase moaned, "... Bu-but, I already paied you. Please... just give me back my little Spinda."

Watch out for spelling too. Briefcase and a few other words are spelt wrong. Mistakes in grammar of course, but nothing too bad to worry about plus I'm lazy at t3h momento lol.

I can't say your description is the greatest either. Of course, this is only and intro and IMO, I believe that if you do describe in short prologues like these, then you might ruin the tone.

So I'll give you a second change on description. :P

Your ending was very nice as well. o0 Rather freaky as well.

Not bad though. I'm really interested in it.

Better review when your fic actually starts hehe. ^^;

LaTeR dAyZ!

 

[Tamer Marco]

Thanks. I've been exposed to a lot of weird movies (nothing... you know), but just a lot of violence. And my spellings not the best, but that can be fixed right? I'm thinking of typing in MS-Word so my spelling won't be so bad.


Chapter One: He's dead

"So... Ms. Davis, what you... are trying to say is that your husband is out doing, "buisness?". "Yes." a woman replied. The detective looked stuned. "I believe that this is a lie.." The woman cut the detective off. "I believe that your wearing shorts and a T-Shirt on a buisness day." The detective had pale skin, and it grew puffy and red. He couldn't hide his anger or embarassment. "O-okay..." he said. "What was your husband doing "business" for?" The woman had a small tear in her eye. "I'm sorry about what I said," she muttered thoughtfully. "but... the thing he was after was his Spinda. My husband knew the thing longer than even myself. It was up for ransom by a strange man..." "You've said enough. You can go now." The woman picked up her purse, and slowly began to walk away, thinking that this man wouldn't be any help.

I can't tell her... he thought. He's dead...

I write to improve, so please let me know when I suck.

 

[IceKing]

Plot's definetely interesting. Work on length,grammar,description. The nuts and bolts, the actually steel of your fic is good. Length should be AT LEAST 3 pages a chapter, for grammar I suggest you type on Microsoft Word so the spell checker can get at least some mistakes, but its important for you to proofread yourself. Description and Detail is simple. Just tell about the settings and charachters in the story. Chapter 1 was pretty confusing and I had no idea what they were talking about. Chapter 1 seems like the first couple of paragraphs of a chapter. I feel bad for the guy in teh introduction as well, getting eaten by a miteyana must not be pleasant