Well, it's just that you commented on all the bad stuff and didn't mention anything that was good about it. I started posting this story on another forum, but gave up for lack of feedback, and they loved it, so there must be SOME good things...
Well, you sometimes get that, depending on what forum or archive you go to. Some people will give you all sorts of praise, regardless of whether or not they actually read your story. It happens all the time at FFNet, I've noticed. (Either that, or my readers really don't have enough to say other than "this was cute, please write more.")
Anyway, I'll read through the story, but I'll have to admit I didn't look over Alter Ego's reviews with a lot of depth. (The reason why is because if I want to review something, I don't want anything to skew my observations.) For that reason, if I repeat anything he says, I apologize in advance.
The first few seconds of my life passed like any other Torchic:
Now, one thing I
did read from Alter Ego's review was what he had to say about this line. I'll have to agree that it's a bit awkward because seconds really don't pass like Torchic. I understand that English may not be your first language, so for future reference, when you write something, always remember that "like" is a comparison word. Therefore, when you write it, you're placing one word on one side and relating it to the noun on the other side. Therefore, you're essentially relating seconds to Torchic, which really doesn't work because there's no real connection between seconds and Torchic. So, what I would do is add on a little more to the second half of this phrase to explain what of the Torchic can be compared with time. In this case, you'll probably want to say something like "the start of any other Torchic's life." Or, to be less redundant, "any other Torchic's beginnings." Alternatively, you could say, "For the first few seconds of my life, I was just like any other Torchic." In any case (and I highly recommend you play around with it to see what you come up with), you'll want to find a way to make the comparison a little clearer.
Now, it may seem like we're being anal about this, but you have to remember that the first sentence is one of the most important ones in the story. It's the attention grabber. A great first sentence will keep the reader glued to his screen to read on. A
terrible first sentence will give the reader the idea that the
rest of the story is terrible. So, you'll need to be as careful as possible to avoid giving your readers a false impression.
Anyway.
My mother, Kablam, was standing beside me, and my father, Kervlam,
It's a bit difficult to take a story seriously with a cast of names like that, but I won't question it. It's just a personal taste anyway.
They looked happy, but at the same time, nervous.
Grammar nitpick: Drop the comma after happy. This actually isn't a compound sentence. The way you can tell is by covering up everything up to and including the word "but" and reading the rest of the phrase. See how "at the same time, nervous" isn't an actual sentence?
Something about this sentence feels awkward as it is, though. It feels as if, after the but, you actually wanted to make a full sentence but just didn't. I would advise playing around with it, maybe rephrasing it to show us how they seemed nervous or even
who seemed nervous. (Yes, I know there's already a subject in the sentence, but you could always consider making it an actual compound.)
I looked around and saw that we were in a cave.
I know it seems like a nitpick, but you're implying a newborn Torchic actually knew what a cave was at this point. Usually, newborns don't exactly have a great sense of perception. Their world is usually focused to what's immediately around them, which would probably be the Torchic's parents at this point.
Of course, I'm also ignoring the fact that a baby wouldn't remember anything after a couple of years (because of an underdeveloped memory) anyway.
Drop the final comma and opt for a period. The reason why is because you're starting a new sentence in the dialogue. The dialogue tag itself ("he said") is only associated with
one sentence (as most dialogue tags are), so you'll have to decide between one or the other if you place it between two.
In other words, it's just a new sentence. So, you'll want to put a period after the tag. If that's confusing, please feel free to ask.
I didn't understand what was going on but my instincts told me it was dangerous.
Here is where you need a comma to indicate a compound sentence. Try this: cover the second part of the sentence ("but" onward) with your hand and read the first part aloud. See how it's a sentence? Now, cover up the first part (up to and including "but") and read the second part. See how
that's a sentence too? That means you're trying to connect two different sentences into one thought. So, to separate them, you not only need a conjunction (in this case, "but") but also a comma where a period
would go in the first sentence.
You do this a few more times in the story, so I won't go over it again. Just keep it in mind.
A few moments passed, then a Pokémon made entirely of gas except for two fangs whooshed into the cavern.
You'll either need an "and" here or a period where the comma is. These are two separate sentences (revealed if you do that trick I just taught you), so leaving it as is will create a run-on sentence.
The two fangs fell to the floor then disappeared.
And disappeared. "Then" is not a conjunction.
As a general side note before I go on, usually, when you have dialogue, you separate it out with spaces between each change of speaker so the reader has an easier time going through it. I've corrected it in the following quote so you can see what I mean.
"It's been lovely knowing you," said Kablam.
"We can do this. We must, to save our son," responded Kervlam. He sounded a lot more confident than he looked.
Also, drop the comma after "must." Not sure why that's actually there.
My parents united power to create a fire wall and project it forwards.
While I compliment you for actually providing description, I think you could get away with providing more than you already have. For example, it's cool that they created a fire wall, but you don't really go into
how they did so, what it looked like when they did, or how it felt. Even telling us that the Torchic felt the heat of the wall radiating towards it would be enough to pull us a bit more into the story.
Generally, that's one thing that I feel is a bit weak in this fic. You
do have description, but you have a tendency to tell us certain things, rather than show us. Instead of showing us
how the Torchic knew that his father sounded more confident than he looked, you just say that he was. For this reason, we only really see the basics, but we're not really pulled into the story enough to
really visualize what's going on. We just, for example, see a Blaziken who speaks with confidence, but we don't see his hands spasming because he's uncertain, for example, or that he might be slouching to betray a sense of fear. Those details actually say a lot more than just "he sounded a lot more confident than he looked" because we can actually "see" them.
Overall, not a bad start, although because of that one problem of telling versus showing, I feel as if you could definitely do better for a beginning chapter. I'd advise going back and playing around with the description to see what you can come up with.
As for the second chapter...
There was no sign of Kablam or Kervlam anywhere.
Again, it feels as if you're implying that Torchic knew their names. It's odd because in the entirety of the beginning scene, neither of them actually
mention their names, yet the Torchic just inherently
knows. If this was third person, you could probably get away with it just as long as the Torchic himself doesn't attempt to name his parents (unless he's eccentric). However, with first person, you're limited to
only what Kaboom actually knows, and unfortunately, he was never told his parents' names (unless you make note of how he learned them later on).
The only trace to be found was a few red hairs.
Nitpick, but Blaziken are birds. So, most likely, they'd have feathers, not hair.
The sandstorm has calmed a bit,
Had calmed. The reason why I say this is because if you leave it at "has," it makes the reader think it's the past seen from the present, rather than the past seen from the past. In other words, it makes the reader expect the rest of the story to be delivered in present tense.
and when they do, they'll come for you.
Because a newborn Torchic is truly a threat to existence itself…?
Go north, follow the road and you will come to a city.
These are actually two separate sentences. The first is a command, telling Kaboom to go north. The second is both a command and a statement of the direct consequences of that command. In other words, Kaboom's father is telling him that if he does what he's told and follows the road, he'll come to a city.
I set off north just as the sun set, casting colourful lights upon the few clouds in the sky. As beautiful as it was, it did nothing to relieve my sadness. The sandstorm turned into a gentle caress, but the wind blew sand in my face, making headway difficult.
As beautiful as this description is (and I do mean that), I feel as if it's a bit too eloquent for the speaker. While I'm not sure what Kaboom is like as an adult, right now, you're implying that he's making these observations as a newborn. As in, he realizes how beautiful the sunset is before he actually knows what one was. Additionally, you've made the note that he understands what death is, even though he's only a few hours old. Very young children really don't notice these things, especially when it comes to death, because those are understandings that come with experience.
That's one problem with telling a story in first person. You really have to remember who the character is, and if you're telling the story from the perspective of the future looking into the past (i.e. adult recalling his childhood), you're restricted only by what the speaker noticed or knew right then, rather than what the character learned as he went along (which is what third person allows you to do). The story can
still work in first person, but you have to really be careful and remember that your speaker is right now a baby. It's not capable of understanding a lot of the things you expect it to understand. (Amusingly enough, this includes the concept of directions, meaning it probably wouldn't know which way to go if it was just told to go north.) Try to think back on your early childhood and consider what you knew right then as opposed to what you know right now.
I also find it odd that you're having a newborn make the trek northward without any food, water, or rest. A baby just wouldn't be able to do that. Now, I know that the games allow you to use a Pokémon to battle right after it hatches, but with fanfiction, you just can't be afraid of having to deviate from the games a little to have your story make sense now and then.
"I'm sorry!" I exclaimed, "I thought you were a pile of sand!"
Where did Torchic learn how to communicate intelligently? I mean, okay, Pokémon can usually communicate through cries, but one would think a newborn wouldn't exactly have an extensive vocabulary past "feed me."
Again, not a bad chapter, but there's room for improvement. While there's less (new) mistakes here, there's also little snags in logic that touch on the basic problems of attempting to deliver a story in first person. I'd suggest really thinking about what you're doing and who your characters are in order to work your way past the problems of your point of view (and, well, dialogue). Otherwise, you're dodging issues that really could make your story a lot more complicated, a bit longer, and possibly a bit more interesting. They might even help you to create a developed character, which Kaboom, so far… really doesn't seem to be. Then again, he doesn't actually do or say much except walk around and say a few lines, so it's hard to tell right now what his personality actually is like.
I didn't have many comments to make after reading chapter three. It was okay. There were a few errors, but many of them were just repeats from whatever was above. Otherwise, there didn't seem to be much action here, so I felt as if it was just a filler chapter to get from point A to point B. The ending could've used a bit more description, however. Possibly a recounting of how Kaboom trekked to the cave, what it looked like, and what about it made him nervous. Even showing us him peering into the darkness would help us get an idea of how he's actually feeling. But that's something I've also sort of mentioned earlier with showing versus telling.
Second, I'm writing this now, and Pokemon have a better memory than people (and before you say "Says who?", I DO!
You really can't just change logic for the sake of your story. If you're going to do something like that, you've got to have a very good reason for doing so, and beyond that, you should be explaining it in the story. Even so, when it comes to fiction – any sort of fiction – you're bound by the laws of the real world by default because that's what your reader understands most. Any other changes you make to these laws you'll need to explain because the reader is not telepathic.
As it stands, the reader assumes that Pokémon are animals, and even then, canon makes no effort to prove that Pokémon have better memories than humans. They've made mention of certain Pokémon having higher
IQs than humans, but that's just a horse of a different color.
Thirdly, I checked grammar and spacing extremely carefully and don't spot any mistakes.
Get a beta reader, or someone who can objectively read your story over before you post it. As I've mentioned earlier, there's quite a number, some of which you repeat again and again throughout the story. This also helps if your first language isn't English (which I'm assuming it isn't because you say you've lived in France) to avoid problems that don't actually surface to the eyes of someone who isn't a native speaker but smack the face of someone who is. For example: your first sentence of the story. Grammatically, it's
technically correct. It just doesn't make sense to someone who's spoken and read English all his life.
Fourthly, I have a retired English teacher for a grandmother who has been through all this and said it would deserve a B+ grade.
Family are the worst people to have going over your writing. The reason why is because they'll
always tend to sugarcoat their reviews (i.e. not tell you the blunt and honest truth) because you're related to them. That's why you get a beta instead.
Anyway, with that out of the way, let's get with the next Chapter.
Sure thing, chief. [/bad attempt at introducing the review for the next chapter]
"Who goes there?" boomed a voice.[/quote]
Begin a new paragraph after this sentence. The reason why is because you're essentially starting a new topic. You don't want to imply that Kaboom is speaking, which you sort of do when you have someone say something and then have him act in the same paragraph.
Obviously the Pokémon who had said these words could see me, because it continued in a less aggressive voice,
First off, take the comma after "me" and move it after "obviously." The latter ("obviously") is an introduction word, so it actually needs to be separated from the rest of the sentence. However, "because it continued…" is a dependent clause that doesn't require a comma because it needs to be integrated with the rest of the sentence to show that whatever's after the word "because" is the
cause of whatever's
before it, if that makes sense.
Or, put simply, don't put a comma before because.
Second, I'm a bit uncertain here. While "continued"
can indicate a dialogue tag, I think it would be more effective if you had his speech be put in a new paragraph because this paragraph just talks about what both characters are doing at the same time. I'd suggest playing around with this part as well to see which way you prefer. Either way, you'll need a new paragraph to avoid implying that Kaboom is the one speaking again.
The Pokémon I had seen pursuing the one with the bag earlier stepped out from a pile of rocks,
This is not a dialogue tag. The reason why is because there's nothing in this sentence that tells the reader that the Pokémon is speaking. That is, there is no speaking word (like "said"). So, because it's not a dialogue tag, you'll need to treat it like its own sentence and insert a period there instead of a comma.
"I am Kaboom, the son of Kervlam and Kablem."
Wasn't her name Kablam? O_o
Also, again, Kaboom never actually learned the names of his parents because they never told him what their names actually were. (Or if they did, you never mentioned them.) So, this is essentially like meeting someone for the first time and automatically knowing what his name is.
In other words, again, try not to confuse yourself with the speaker. Your speaker can
not have the knowledge you possess, even if that knowledge contains the names of his parents (unless he found a way to learn who they are).
"I see. And I presume, since you're alone, that they're dead?"
I'm not quite sure what caused her to arrive at this conclusion. There could be several possibilities as to why Kaboom suddenly showed up at Braise's doorstep aside from death, including:
1. He got lost and was told to go there if he couldn't find his way back.
2. Random visit.
3. Quest from his parents to ask for advice/obtain an object.
4. His parents are also in town, and one of the above is also true.
While, okay, none of these possibilities would be logical for a newborn, Braise also doesn't know how old Kaboom actually is, so they still are, on a level, plausible, particularly 4. And, of course, they're not the only possibilities. The only logical reason why Braise would suddenly assume that his parents are dead is if she's heard news prior to this, which you really don't make mention of… which makes this revelation
incredibly random.
The reason why there's a problem with this is mostly because it feels as if you're making things a bit convenient for Kaboom. Rather than struggle for the knowledge of his parents and which way to go, he just already knows. Rather than struggle for days on end and arrive at near death, a wandering Hippopotas just
happens to be there to give him a ride to the next city. Rather than have Braise spend a bit of time trying to figure out why a newborn Torchic suddenly appeared at her door, she already knows and guesses on the first try. This becomes a problem because you're lessening the conflicts and giving your story a rushed feeling. You just have your character coast from one situation to the next without much of a struggle past the angst of losing a parent and a few hours of walking (in the right direction, no less). Part of the story, however, is just
getting to where you have to go, rather than achieving the goal you've set for the story. For example, if you have a story about a girl saving the world, the interesting part
isn't the final battle that would decide the fate of the world. It's how she
got there – how she found out about her destiny, how she struggled with it, how she trained for it… that sort of thing. So, rather than working towards your goal, try slowing it up a little and adding a bit more situations and struggles that will hinder Kaboom, play on logic, and have him
grow into whatever role you're forging for him.
"Oh, yes. I haven't eaten since I hatched yesterday afternoon."
Which means at all.
And again, this seems odd because he's somehow managed to walk for miles without food or water, he's a newborn, and he somehow didn't flop over in starvation or dehydration.
partly because you're too young to cope with it,
Despite the fact that he's apparently old enough to cope with the death of his parents… or understand death at all.
The photo had fourteen Pokémon on it,
I'm assuming, then, that Braise's math doesn't include Kaboom's parents.
Again, not bad. You run into the difficulties, though, of your intentions as the author versus what needs to be done for the story, as I've said before with your problems with the first person point of view combined with just making things convenient. My advice would be to sit down and really work on drawing things out to be a bit longer while at the same time adding more content and taking your time to get from point A to point B.
Time for the next part - I'm renaming them as Scenes seeing as they are too short to be called Chapters.
There actually is such a thing as a short chapter. For example, look up Obsession by Blackjack Palazzo (available on Bulbagarden). Her chapters are incredibly short (not much more than a page in length), but the difference is the fact that she includes a ton of content in that small amount of space. When it comes to chapters, it's quality over quantity, really.
A few moments later, red beams of energy swirled in from all directions and condensed into a Braise-shape, but entirely made of flames.[/quote]
First off, I'm not sure why you hyphenated "Braise shape." It's not really one adjective. "Braise" is just the adjective that modifies the noun – "shape." In other words, it's not necessary.
Second off, neither is the comma after "shape," but I've covered the difference between what is and isn't a compound sentence already.
Just, look after yourself
Not sure why there's a comma here either. O_o "Just" isn't an introduction word. It's part of the actual command.
It rose into me, guided me
Move the comma after "guided me" and insert "and" where it once was. Otherwise, it sounds fairly awkward and choppy as it is, particularly because the reader is expecting the part
after the existing "and" (that is, "I breathed powerful fire") to be another item in the list. That is, they expect that clause to be another verb + "me" formula, as seen with "rose into me" and "guided me." The conjunction "and" placed between these two items make it clear that these two are only related to each other and not to the clause beyond the comma + and combination (which would form a compound sentence).
I hope that's clear enough. If not, feel free to ask me to clarify.
I was defenceless as before.
This phrase is a bit awkward as it stands. (Read it aloud to get an idea of what I mean.) I would suggest either inserting "as" just after "was" (so that the phrase reads, "I was as defenseless as before") or replacing the "as" that's already there with "just like I was" to make it clear that you're referring to his state of being before something.
Also, yeah, try not to end a sentence with just "before." Before what?
We laughed together and Braise led me back to the main chamber.
Somehow, I think defying a warning, using an evil power that has the risk of turning someone into the pawn of darkness, and blasting your caretaker with it (even by accident) wouldn't exactly cause someone to laugh, even if all is forgiven.
Overall, again, it's not the worst I've read, but there's still room for improvement. Your concepts are good, and your description in places where you actually sit down to describe something are beautiful. However, you just don't describe enough in other places, and you often allow yourself to slip into bad author's tendencies (concerning telling instead of showing, forgetting who your speaker is, and attempting to force your story from point A to point B). A lot of these problems are just solved with more practice and experience. Ergo, I recommend you really take the time to stop and really
think about what you're writing. Eventually, if you keep doing that, you'll allow yourself to let your story veer off course once in awhile (making it less likely that you'll create situations of convenience or a rushed or linear-feeling storyline), your characters to think as they would logically (to avoid newborns who are just too knowledgeable in the world), and the other problems I've touched upon above.
So, in other words, it wasn't exactly bad, but you just need to work a bit harder on things.
And yes. Get a beta.
If there's anything that you're confused about or would just like to discuss, feel free to tear apart my review. I can come back to respond if you'd like.
