• Our software update is now concluded. You will need to reset your password to log in. In order to do this, you will have to click "Log in" in the top right corner and then "Forgot your password?".
  • Welcome to PokéCommunity! Register now and join one of the best fan communities on the 'net to talk Pokémon and more! We are not affiliated with The Pokémon Company or Nintendo.
    Register

The trainer for Mew?

emeraldslay

Obsessed with Mew/writing
    • 400
    Posts
    20
    Years
    • Age 31
    • Seen Aug 3, 2008
    In the next few days! Hopefully my writers block will of gone!
     

    Goten Shy

    K a w a i i
    • 330
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • Age 33
    • Seen Sep 24, 2004
    A review for what I assume is chapter one =P

    Grammatical Review

    The first sentence of the Fic is good as you have described what is happening, as you have through out the rest of the chapter. Your grammar also seems to be good, your not using to many abbreviations ok instead of okay so that?s good. But I did see it once, but I suppose this was to build on the fact that he though he was an OK boy?so ill let you off?aint I kind?
    ---

    However: I? You kind of drained that puppy after about 6 or 7 sentences. Just about at the begging of every sentence is I.

    I got into the shower and got dressed quickly. I could feel my heart beating and I knew the hour was near. For today, I start my own Pokemon journey. I had always been a little bit of a rebel. I usually snapped at my mom a little and normally got into trouble.
    Click to expand...

    6 times in 5 sentences? ^^ I know it can be hard to think of alternative words and phrases, but just play around a little. This is also the reason that 1st person Fic are harder to write, or any 1st person novel? By taking some of these out, it would all sound a lot more fluent:

    I got into the shower and got dressed quickly. My heart beating against my ribs and I knew the hour was near. For today, my very own Pokemon journey would begin! I had always been a little bit of a rebel, usually snapping at my mom a little and normally getting into trouble.
    Click to expand...

    There we have only 3 I?s and it sounds a lot more fluent.

    That?s all I can find :p

    Storyline Review

    Original x2! The overall storyline seems to be original, and completely original characters. The way that the Pokemon didn?t like the trainer was a little ash and Pikachu so ^^ I aint read anymore but from this chapter I guess they will learn to love each other.

    Overall

    Minus the fact there were to many I?s I think, it was original, and almost very well written. So out of 10?I?m going to give you 6.5-7/10 So yeyiness I guess =P
     

    emeraldslay

    Obsessed with Mew/writing
    • 400
    Posts
    20
    Years
    • Age 31
    • Seen Aug 3, 2008
    Hey thanks Goten Shy! I'll try and stop using 'I' but in the first bit you see I accidentally write it in third person so I went over all the he's with I's. That might explain it. Thanks for the full review! I appreciate it! Oh yeah and can I ask everyone (not just you goten shy) Why do you all think Larvitar will learn to like the main charecter? Its not written in stone just yet! Anyway here is the next part:

    I walked out of the light of the town and up a path that had 'Route 43' by it. Darkness flooded past us and we shivered as the cold winds blew past us. "Maybe we should spend the night in the town" Jason said. Indeed, the offer sounded very good, but I knew I would face challenges and I didn't want to look like a wimp. "Afraid of the dark?" A voice said from nowhere before I could reply. "Who's there!?" Jason demanded. "You're worst nightmare" Came the shrill reply.
    "Stop it! Just leave us alone!" Jason said.
    "Make me!" The unseen stranger said.
    Ill edit and add more tomorrow
     

    Goten Shy

    K a w a i i
    • 330
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • Age 33
    • Seen Sep 24, 2004
    A trainer for mew 2:

    Can I ask a personal question? How old are you. Just to see how good you are for your age =P Sorry if that sounds rude ^^ Anyway,

    I walked out of the light of the town and up a path that had 'Route 43' by it.
    Click to expand...

    It?s good. However, once again it seems to?sharpies. Like a Zigzagoon :p It sounds like only one thing is happening at a time. Connecting the sentences with connectives (However, Also, and so on?) and stuff like semi colons and commas (; ,) to make the sentences sound more fluent and some more, higher vocabulary words and cleverly placed words:

    I walked out of the light of the town and up a path which had a sign saying 'Route 43' placed to one side of it; about 3 meters of the way along.
    Click to expand...

    I have extended the sentence here making it sound more interesting and flowing so to speak. Also, these could have been to separate sentences but I linked them up using a semi colon, in a test that would really boost marks ;) :p But yea, try expanding on vocabulary a little more (even though you vocabulary is okay now) and use more developed skills like using semi colons.
    ---

    Came the shrill reply.
    "Stop it! Just leave us alone!" Jason said.
    "Make me!" The unseen stranger said.
    Click to expand...

    If this conversation was to expand, I suspect there we be a lot more ?said? in it. Using that word once or twice through out a chapter is okay, but using it again and again is?dulling =P Now what is in bold was really good! Descriptive and no said. But the next to lines?Said and said. Other words could make it sound more interesting. Words like ?Uttered?, ?Mumbled?, Spoke, and try adding in some Adjectives. If you use adjectives wisely you could even get of with saying said a few more times.

    Came the shrill reply.
    "Stop it! Just leave us alone!" Jason shouted explicitly.
    "Make me!" The unseen stranger returned, calmly and quietly
    Click to expand...

    That?s a bad example but along those lines =P
     
    You must log in or register to reply here.
    Back
    Top