[Pokémon] The Ultimate Sacrifice: A Mom and Her Son

[ares10]

The Ultimate Sacrifice: A Mom and Her Son


It's morning, the sun has just risen and as the sun passes the pokemon tower it strikes the Rock Tunnel exit of Lavender Town, there lay a Marowak and her young Cubone cub. This Cubone is a very unusual Cubone in that Cubone usually are without a skull for protection and stays with its mother until it reaches adolescence, This Cubone however is wearing its fathers skull for protection but its far to big for the young Cubone. The skull is constantly falling off so the cubone constantly walks around with one hand holding it up. One day Marowak weaved some grass together to make a string to wrap around the skull to keep it on the Cubone's head.

But, suddenly some Team Rocket grunts name Jonathan and Cynthia try to take Cubone. Marowak stands its ground and fights for her cub. Jonathan throws out his Raticate to battle and throws out his Arbok to restrain the Cubone and Cynthia throws out her recently caught Gastly. Jonathan yells Raticate attack! Raticate attacks first with a lightning fast quick attack, Marowak jumps back and dodges it, then Cynthia yells "Gastly use Night Shade!. Marowak quickly responds with Bonerang but the bone passed right through gastly. Then Jonathan yells "RATICATE FINISH THIS PATHETIC POKEMON." The Raticate hits Marowak with a powerful Hyperfang attack throwing Marowak against the wall and causes Marowak to faint. Jonathon grabs Cubone and as they head for lavender town he starts to cough Hyuck-Hyuck-Hyuck. The Cubone crying loudly for its mother helplessly. As his mother lay silently, as she lays unconscious she recalls when her husband, the Cubone's father was taken by team rocket and disappeared never to return, until she finds his skull laying at the side of a road, She realizes it was his because of the chip on the left horn from when they fought a Graveler together which is how they met.

She awakens suddenly to see team rocket grunts headed for lavender town. As she runs toward lavender town the rocket grunts get in a large black car and drives quickly to Celedon town head for their secret base underneath the casino. As she fallows them to the casino, she sneaks down into the laboratory. The laboratory is a well lit with bright lights. She is running through the lab and sees a broken arm guard, a remnant of the armored Mewtwo that Giovannni failed to control. As she runs between the rooms, looking for shadows and hearing for signs that some one is coming. She hears the blood shrieking screams of her cub in extreme pain. She finds the room where her son is and breaks through the glass and attempts to get her cub but the cub is restrained by equipment and as she tries to get her cub out an alarm sounds. Marowak manages to get the restraints off of Cubone. As Cubone is on the table Marowak jumps up and hugs him as hard a she can.

Unfortunately just as she gets to her cub, Jonathon and Cynthia runs in. Jonathon yells "you again, hyuck-hyuck-hyuck" as he throws out his Raticate. She fights back but is exhausted, the young Cubone jumps down from the table and runs to the aid of its mother. Jonathon then yells "Raticate, use Hyperfang" and as it runs toward the Cubone, Marowak pushes Cubone out of the way and the Raticate strikes the Marowak and Marowak hits the wall hard, falls to the ground and lies on the ground motionless and lifeless. Cubone runs toward its mother crying with tears running down its face. Cynthia attempts to grab the Cubone when Cubone picks up his mothers club and attempts to battle. Jonathon laughs and says "Raticate show this dumb pokemon a lesson hyuck-hyuck-hyuck." The Cubone closes his eyes, swings his mothers club and manages to hit the Raticate just right so the Ratitcate flies off and hits one of the machinery and smoke bellows out and Cynthia says, "we need to get out of hear!" Jonathan returns Raticate to its pokeball and runs out as fast as possible. The Cubone on his knees staring at his mom in disbelief looks up and starts crying. A few minutes later as smoke fills the room Cubone grabs his mother and gets out of the laboratory. Cubone carrying his mom, wonders into lavender town where he meets a loving caring and kind hearted man known simply as Mr. Fuji. Mr. fuji looks down at the Cubone who still terrified tries to attack Mr. Fuji simply smile sits down next to the Cubone and says "don't worry young Cubone I won't hurt you, it looks as though you've been through a great deal, Mr. Fuji puts his hand on Cubone's Stomach closes his eyes and says" oh my you've been through a lot, hate and fear have replaced what was once love and happiness." Mr. Fuji opens his eyes looks at cubone and says "cubone, come with me." Mr. Fuji and the Cubone bury the Cubone's mother at Pokemon Tower. The Cubone's mother as furious as Mr. Fuji was and unwilling to rest, haunted Pokemon Tower

Furious at what Team Rocket had done Mr Fuji marched up to their hideout burst into Giovanni's office and yells at Giovanni, How can you commit such hennas acts, what your doing is a crime against the law and a crime against nature. Giovanni then just says settle down old man, what are you on about? Mr Fuji looks straight into Giovanni's eyes and says you are a despicable human-being you treat pokemon as if they are slave or are just play things you do what you want to. For the past few months a heard rumors but a figure no one could do such unspeakable acts, but then I found this poor cubone crying as it caries its dead mother i asked it what happened and he pointed toward Celadon then I knew what you had done and I knew all the rumors I had heard to be true. Mr Fuji walks out of the office furious. Giovanni then looks down at his intercome button and contacts Butch and Cassidy. Giovanni yells "Butch and Cassidy in my office now!" Butch and Cassidy yell loudly "oh no!" As Butch and Cassidy run down toward the office they pass the room where the Cubone escaped and they can see maintenance crews fixing the equipment. They run into Giovanni's office. Giovanni looks at them and says do either of you know who was working with a Cubone or something like that? I just had an old man barge in here and yell at me about a Cubone he had found. Butch looks and giovanni and says, "sir, I beleive it was Jonathan and Cynthia." Giovanni sighs and says alright, now go find Jonathan and Cynthia and bring them to me. Butch and Cassidy search around the laboratory and find Jonathan and Cynthia sitting at a table discussing how they were going to get that Cubone back. Butch and Cassidy looks at them, Cassidy points at them and says "you two, come with us, now!" Jonathan, "hyuck-hyuck-hyuck." They return to Giovanni's office Giovanni tels butch and Cassidy to get out and to go to Dr. Namba's office he's got a mission for you two in the Johto region. Jonathan and Cynthia look at Giovanni. Giovanni looks at them and says," i gave you two one task, one simple task and you failed me, you two are almost as useless as Jessie and James," Jonathan and Cynthia, "yes sir!" Jonathan, hyuck-hyuck-hyuck. giovani sighs well your lucky you two where right about that mew hair otherwise you would be demoted, but don't fail me again! Jonathan and Cynthia, "yes sir!" Now you two need to go to the Johto region we are establishing a base there and a want you two to oversee things over their. Jonathan and Cynthia, "yes sir!" Jonathan, "hyuck-hyuck-hyuck." "Jonathan fix that cough!" Giovanni says annoyed Jonathan, "Yes sir." Jonathan and Cynthia are about to exit the room. Giovanni leans back on his chair pets his Persian and says, "we need to stop that old man he could ruin things for us."

Mr. Fuji went to the Pokemon tower to calm the spirit of the Cubone's mother. When two Team Rocket grunts named Charley and Sara runs toward Mr. Fuji then took him hostage, Mr Fuji starts to pray as the two grunts are standing guard. Sara gets on her radio and says, Giovanni we have Mr Fuji in the Pokemon Tower. Giovanni, "Good, keep him there", Giovanni hears his office door open, "who are you?" Sara, Sir? Some young kid just walked in here, i'll contact you later after I kick this kid out. Sara Looks over at Charley calls him over and whispers in his ear that Giovanni will be a little while before he gets here he has to deal with some kid first. Charley sighs, This old guy is starting to creep me out a little bit with his prayers, well that and the ghosts.

A couple of hours later a Young trainer runs up the stairs. Charley looks over, "what are you doing up hear kid?" The kid looks at them, looks at Mr Fuji. I'm Red. Red Pulls out his Pokeball. Sara and Charley look at him, Sara says laughing, "you want to battle us little kid, run away before you get hurt" Red then hold up his Silph Scope Charley sees it and is shocked, that thing the only way you can have that is if you beat Giovanni. Sara then says i don't care this kid is going to be crying by the time i'm don with him. Red Throws out his Ivysaur and Pikachu. Sara throws out her Golbat and Charley throws out His Weazing. Red yells Ivysaur Use Vine Whip on Weazing and Pikachu use Thunderbolt on Golbat. Ivysaur's Vine Whip hits Weazing doing some damage, Pikachu's Thunderbolt hits Golbat and deals a good amount of damage. Sara responds by telling her Golbat use bite on Ivysaur and Charley tells his Weazing to use poison gas. Ivysaur jumps out of the way of Golbat and Pikachu gets hit by Weazing's Poison gas and gets poisoned. Red looks at his pikachu, You ok? pikachu looks up and lets out a battle cry, Red the tells his Pikachu to use his Thunderbolt on Golbat and Ivysaur to use Razor Leaf. Both Charley and Sara's pokemon faint. The two then run of back to the Team Rocket Charley yells, "you won't get away with this kid!" Red reaches down to his Pikachu and Ivysaur and gives pikachu and antidote and then give both of them a potion then recall them back to their Pokeballs. Mr Fuji thankful then takes Red to his house. The young Cubone looks up at red when the walk through the door. Mr Fuji then reaches down and picks Cubone up and says to red, this is the Cubone who was orphaned by Team Rocket and who's mother was the ghost who haunted Pokemon Tower. Red looks at the Cubone, "Hey little guy." Mr. Fuji set Cubone down on the table and says, hey i have something as a thank you give for helping me. Mr Fuji then hands Red a Pokeflute. Red thanks the old man. Mr Fuji then says i'm guessing a trainer like yourself is going to challenge the Pokemon League then move on to the next region right. Red, "yes." Then I have a favor to ask of you, when you are going to go to the next region would you stop here first and take this Cubone with you, by then it should be strong enough to battle, that way he can battle and travel with you. Red, "sure, be happy to." Red walks over to Cubone and says you want to travel with me when I get back?. Cubone raises his head and smiles then nods. Red then Says, i'll be back in a while. Red then walks out and moves on to the next town. Mr Fuji and Cubone then go and visit Cubone's mother's grave, and sit in peice.

 

[Cutlerine]

There are a few things worth my pointing out here. First of all, it's kind of difficult to read your story spaced as it is - usually, when posting online, you'd leave a line between each paragraph to make up for the lack of indentation. That just makes it a bit easier to read.

In addition to that, there are a fair few spelling and grammatical errors. Naturally, no one expects either to be absolutely perfect - there is always at least one that evades the author's eye - but you've put 'Cobone' for 'Cubone' in the second paragraph, and 'the' for 'they' at the end of it as well. You also write that the Cubone is 'wearing its fathers skull for protection but its far to big for the young Cubone.' This is missing an apostrophe after the 'its' and between the R and S of 'fathers' - to make them both possessive, as this skull belonged to its father and the father belongs to the Cubone - and also an extra O on the end of 'to' - you're muddling 'to' (the preposition) and 'too' (the adverb). Similarly, you confuse 'there' and 'their' when describing the Rockets sending out 'there Rattatas'. There are a few more confusions later on, like 'wonders' for 'wanders', as well.

That's the technical side dealt with (mostly. I probably missed something; I haven't reviewed in a while). On to the bones of the story itself. The plot isn't bad at all in itself, but it's very highly condensed. The reader gets told a lot without much of it being described. For instance:

She pushes through to get her cub, unfortunately just as she gets to her cub team rocket runs in and attack the Marowak the Marowak fights back, the young Cubone manages to free itself and runs to the aid of its mother.

In just one sentence, the Marowak gets to the Cubone, the Rockets attack her, she attacks them, the Cubone gets free somehow and it joins in the fight. That's an awful lot of events and the reader doesn't have much of an image of it in their head. How does the Cubone get free? What exactly do the Rockets do when they 'attack' the Marowak, and how does she counterattack? All of that extra detail is vital for bringing the story to life in the reader's head. Where your story works best is where we do get hints of that extra depth, like here:

As she runs between the rooms she hears the screams of her cub.

That's better. More like that would be appreciated. Describe the screams, the impacts, the thumps and blows and grunts; if your plot is the skeleton of the story, then this is the meat - the bit that the readers can get their teeth into, if I can mix my metaphors. The fights and Mr Fuji's epilogue would both greatly benefit from some added description.

Finally, there are a few bits that stick out as rather odd. The first is that the Cubone was being electrocuted - something that makes no sense, because Cubone is a Ground-type, and even has Lightningrod, meaning that electricity doesn't affect it in the slightest. Secondly, the Cubone carried its mother out of the Rocket hideout and all the way back to Lavender Town, which seems a little implausible given their relative sizes and the fact that that route takes them through a major city, where someone would probably have spotted them. If these were described a bit more, perhaps they'd be explained, but without justification, they stretch the reader's suspension of disbelief a bit.

Like I said, the plot itself isn't all that bad. But while you have a decent skeleton, the meat is pretty thin on the bones. With a bit of work, I think this story could be pretty good.

Anyway, I hope this review has helped you in some way, whether in revising this story or giving you things to think about for future ones.