[Other Original] The Void

[Monophobia]

The Void

The Void is an apocalyptic science-fiction sort of deal covering the experience of Melody, a sixteen-year-old girl and her traveling companion Palmer, while experiencing the end of the world caused by a black hole wandering into our solar system. This story will be as scientifically accurate as I can possibly make it without interfering with the story. Mild language that will most likely be censored anyway. Death and mild violence.

All reviews and criticism are extremely helpful. I will continue updating as long as I can.​

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Chapter 1: Prologue
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On August 4th, 2016, the world fell into chaos. News spread that NASA had got their hands on evidence that a black hole had entered our solar system, causing everyone to fear what was in store for their upcoming future. President Barack Obama was determined to cover the whole thing up as some sort of terrorist scheme, saying in a national meeting that "the intentions of groups such as al-Qaeda are almost always unclear, especially when it includes the spreading of false information," which everyone knew was ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. The widespread panic eventually turned into riots. People lined the streets of Washington, furiously demanding answers. There was a lot of talk about the assassination of the U.S. President, but nothing took place; Obama had been flown by jet to an undisclosed location outside of the nation.

When the first meteors struck the surface of the Earth, most people decided life was not worth living. The inevitable was coming, and there was no stopping it. Many chose to end their lives. By themselves, with the ones they love – as long as they didn't have to endure the upcoming apocalypse. Suicide rates climbed the charts, millions deciding everyday that it was the only way to go in peace. My father and mother were among them, my mother overdosing on painkillers in the bathroom and my father hanging himself from the banister on the stairs in our once happy home. One of the meteors struck the city of Miami in Florida, leaving the city a mess of rubble. Others reached their destinations in the unknown.

The other countries weren't doing any better. There came the day when radio stations were only static, the televisions displayed nothing but "no signal" on their screens, newspapers and magazines were no longer published, and Internet providers shut down all services. No news about the rest of the world – or our own country, for that matter – was viewable. Travel services were suspended over time. What little that was left of our population was dispersed so far out that you were lucky to see a group of people out on the streets of a small town.

Only being twelve at the time, I lived off of the food that was already stored in my basement. I knew at some point I would consume it all, even though I had rationed it the best I could. It lasted me roughly two months, and in the end, I lay in agony on my filthy bedspread from hunger. I remember before all that happened, I had used the term "starving" so nonchalantly. Now that I actually was starving, I cursed my past self. Searching nearby houses was futile. Tap water was all I had, and it helped the hunger for a while, but the effects always passed, and I'd end up with a cramping stomach once again.

I tried my best to keep clean. However, the hot water heater in my home had broken (the repairman most likely long-gone). If I had taken full blown baths or showers, I was sure to get pneumonia from the ice-cold water. I settled for heating up pots of water in the microwave and using whatever rags I could find to wipe myself down. My hair, however, had become a tangled and knotted mess of dirty blond. My clothes were somewhat of a disaster, most being ripped in a multitude of places from my attempts at cleaning them to the best of my ability. I was struggling being on my own for the first time in my life...and I felt hopeless. I wondered often how I even made it as long as I did. It was certainly a mystery to me.

One night, as I slept as peacefully as I could given the circumstances, shuffling and hushed voices came from downstairs below my room. I awoke with fear already in my heart, terrified as to who had invaded my home and what they wanted. So I did what any other frightened kid would do; I hid in my bathroom and locked the door. I huddled myself into the corner, embracing my knees and hiding my face inside of them to muffle my sobs. I had no one to protect me. I sat in there all night, only opening the door at daybreak after all had been silent for over three hours. I crept downstairs to find that the place was ransacked – almost everything that I had left laying around was gone, stolen by whomever had invaded my house.

In fear that they would come back later to check the upstairs, I packed up some canisters of water and some clothes and left my life as I used to know it behind. I didn't know or care where I was going. I just wanted to escape. Looking back at it now, it was a dumb idea. I was already weak from hunger. I knew I wasn't gonna make it out of Flensburg. I just didn't have the energy. It was really no surprise when I collapsed about twelve blocks from my street.

Everything was a blur the first few times I opened my eyes. I had mere seconds of consciousness before I passed out once again. I remember hearing footsteps on the pavement. Then only barely letting out a groan as I was lifted up by an unknown force. It was like being in a dream – I couldn't control any of what was happening to me, and some of the parts didn't quite fit correctly together either. My first reaction when I actually did wake up was to scream at my unfamiliar surroundings. I spasmed my way to a door and frantically began twisting on the knob. A man's voice came from behind me. It reminded my of gravel, and I spun around to see him standing at a distance with a calm and collected look. I should have been petrified to see someone I didn't know talking to me. My kidnapper, no less. I wasn't though.

That's when I met my companion – Palmer.

 

[Nolafus]

Hey, another original fiction writer!

The other countries weren't doing any better. However, there came the day when radio stations were only static, the televisions displayed nothing but "no signal" on their screens, newspapers and magazines were no longer published, and Internet providers shut down all services.

I don't like how you used "However" here. "However" is used when you want to contradict the last point you made. In the first sentence, you say that countries are doing poorly, and then you say "however" like there's this one spot that's doing really well, but it only gets worse. I would revise that a bit.

Only being 12 at the time,

You always spell out numbers that are below 100.

I hid in my bathroom and locked it from the inside.

The "from the inside" part I think is a little redundant. Pretty much every bathroom on the face of the planet locks from the inside, so I think readers will picture that in their mind.

That's when I met my companion – Palmer.

I don't like this last part. You do a really nice job showing us everything, but then you tell us this last statement. I would have liked this a lot more if you wrote out the conversation between the two characters.

Writing wise, I think you're pretty good. You're showing, which is a big plus, and your description is okay. I would have liked a little more description on what the neighborhood looks like in this state, but it could just be personal preference. There were a few mistakes here and there, but no one is perfect.

Story wise, I do have a couple qualms. Maybe it's just me having faith in parents, but I highly doubt that the parents would just commit suicide and leave their kid to fend for himself. Even if the world is ending, I'm pretty sure that my parents would make sure that I'm safe until the end.

Would there still be electricity? With no one looking after all of the electrical plants, I'm not so sure. I say this because you have your main character use the microwave, and it struck me as a bit odd. Maybe you've already done some research about this and I'm basically just blabbering jibberish, but just thought I would point it out.

Overall, not bad. I have a couple qualms with the story itself, but the writing is strong. There are a couple things you need to work on, as does any writer, so just keep practicing and those wrinkles will iron out in no time. I enjoyed reading this and good luck in the future.

 

[Monophobia]

Hey, another original fiction writer!

I don't like how you used "However" here. "However" is used when you want to contradict the last point you made. In the first sentence, you say that countries are doing poorly, and then you say "however" like there's this one spot that's doing really well, but it only gets worse. I would revise that a bit.

You always spell out numbers that are below 100.

The "from the inside" part I think is a little redundant. Pretty much every bathroom on the face of the planet locks from the inside, so I think readers will picture that in their mind.

I don't like this last part. You do a really nice job showing us everything, but then you tell us this last statement. (1)I would have liked this a lot more if you wrote out the conversation between the two characters.

Writing wise, I think you're pretty good. You're showing, which is a big plus, and your description is okay. I would have liked a little more description on what the neighborhood looks like in this state, but it could just be personal preference. There were a few mistakes here and there, but no one is perfect.

Story wise, I do have a couple qualms. (2)Maybe it's just me having faith in parents, but I highly doubt that the parents would just commit suicide and leave their kid to fend for himself. Even if the world is ending, I'm pretty sure that my parents would make sure that I'm safe until the end.

(3)Would there still be electricity? With no one looking after all of the electrical plants, I'm not so sure. I say this because you have your main character use the microwave, and it struck me as a bit odd. Maybe you've already done some research about this and I'm basically just blabbering jibberish, but just thought I would point it out.

Overall, not bad. I have a couple qualms with the story itself, but the writing is strong. There are a couple things you need to work on, as does any writer, so just keep practicing and those wrinkles will iron out in no time. I enjoyed reading this and good luck in the future.

Thanks! I'll revise this when I get the time.

As for some of your issues with the plot and such, I'll try and explain it by numbering the quote and providing information below:

(1) The conversation between the two was originally in the story, however I decided to cut it out to end the prologue with a more dramatic and anxious feeling. I think the conversation could definitely be in later events to fill in gaps, but for now I'm keeping it off to the side.
(2) Melody's parents were not the best, if you catch my drift. More about this will be revealed in later chapters, if you stick around. Obviously the story starts off slow with many mysteries left to the reader.
(3) This prologue begins fairly early on in the course of events, thus I decided to leave electricity as working for now. In the rest of the story, power is unavailable to the characters.

 

[Deleted member 211486]

It looks really awesome and shows a lot of potential already. I'm a huge fan of science and saying you'll make it as accurate as possible just got me more excited. I can't wait to see some astrophysics-black-hole-theory action. Also, your title? It's awesome.

 

[Monophobia]

It looks really awesome and shows a lot of potential already. I'm a huge fan of science and saying you'll make it as accurate as possible just got me more excited. I can't wait to see some astrophysics-black-hole-theory action. Also, your title? It's awesome.

I find it hilarious that I happened upon a title the same as your username! {XD} Science is my go-to thing as well, which is why chose to use this subject matter.

 

[Deleted member 211486]

I wanna bump this thread so hard. I'm still hyped for the next chapter, if there's any coming.

 

[Monophobia]

I wanna bump this thread so hard. I'm still hyped for the next chapter, if there's any coming.

Ack! Apologies are due. I had a hard drive failure last week and just now replaced it. This story will be revived when I get back into my writing mindset (I finally bought Microsoft Office, so crossing my fingers that a better tool helps me produce better works), which should be a few days - a week tops.