[Pokémon] Tipping the Balance

[Saltare.]

I've had this in my head for a while...so I guess I'll put it up here now. Please please PLEASE don't be afraid to use constructive criticism. I could use it...

Tipping the Balance​

Chapter 1


May 11th, 1996
Something is going happen to the legendary pokemon. They will revolt. Destroying towns, cities. Thousands will be dead, thousands will be injured. Everyone is innocent except one man. This one man has done something to the pokemon that are making them do this. One pokemon is trying to stop all of this. Some say this pokemon does not exist, that it's a myth. Well my friends, it is not. This legendary pokemon is said to have emerged from an egg and shaped the universe with its 1,000 arms. It did. This pokemon created the ground we walk on. It lives in the Hall of Origin. This pokemon is


August 7th, 2013


The words cut off. Alex fliped through the rest of the pages. They are all blank. A few were ripped out in the back. Alex closed the book and looked at the cover. It was a rusty red color. It was stained with what seemed like blood and coffee. On the cover, the words "Jewel of Life" were engraved in gold. There was a loud bang on the door. Alex froze.



"Open this door! This is the police!" The pounds on the door became louder and more rapid.



Alex looked around him. He quickly stuffed the book in his backpack and headed towards the window. He fiddled with the latch on the window. Not now! No! Open!



The door started to crack.



Alex opened the latch and pushed the window open. He threw a pokeball to the ground below. Alex jumped from the second story window. He fell through the green leaves of a tree and hung onto the branch. He jumped down onto Torterra's back. Alex let out a sigh.



"Hey! Where did he go?!" Alex heard the men upstairs shout. The men ran to the window and looked down. Alex looked back up at them and smirked. He saluted and Torterra stomped away from the crumbling library.



Alex lay on his back looking up at the sky. It was filled with gray clouds and smoke. A few rays of sun poked through down to earth. Wow, whoever wrote this book was right. The world is like this now and Team Galactic is to blame. I wonder if we can stop this...



Torterra stumbled into the woods. Alex jumped off its back and ran into the abandoned Pokemon Mansion. He cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, "Hey!"



A girl about his age ran down from the hallway. A younger boy slid down from the railing and stood next to the girl in the foyer in front of Alex. Alex began pacing in front of them. "I found this book," he began dramatically. "only one page is written. It's about this. What is happening to our world now." He stopped. He pulled the book out of his bag and tossed it to the girl. She opened it and scanned the page. She handed it back to Alex.



"Who wrote it?" She asked.



"I don't know. But it must've been someone smart because this book was dated 1996." Alex said. He lowered his head so his thick jet-black hair covered his face. "But I have a feeling that this can be stopped."



"How? The damage is done." The girl said.



Alex looked up. "Don't be so negative, Jess."

Jess rolled her green eyes. "Okay, so say we can stop this, how would we? Got a plan?"

Alex opened the book back up. "In here," he put his index finger on the page. "It says something about a pokemon. In the Hall of Origin."

"Hey, I've heard of that!" The boy commented. "It was in a story Lucas would tell me. I think it's in Spear Pillar!"

Alex nodded slightly. "Nice Kyle, now we can get there."

"How? Spear Pillar is all the way up by Snowpoint City. Trying to scale the mountains just to get up there, we'd freeze!"

"No," Kyle held up his index finger. "You can get up there through Mt. Coronet. It will take you all the way up to the top and you are protected from the elements." Kyle was the smartest of the three. Even though he is only ten and Alex and Jess are fifteen.

Jess looked down at Kyle and stuck her tongue out.

"Chill out Jess." Alex laughed. "So, we'll set out first thing in the morning."

"Why in the morning?" Jess asked. "Galactic Guards patrol can see you in the morning. I say we leave now."

Alex rubbed his chin. "Good point. Pack light bags. And I mean light." Alex was directing all this to Jess. Jess smiled and skipped into a room.

Alex walked outside. He put Torterra back in its ball. Jess and Kyle came running out. They began walking through the town. There was not a sign of life anywhere. They were all silent until the sound of boots pounding on the ground broke the silence. Alex grabbed Kyle's wrist and they ducked behind a building. The two guards passed them. They were walking in perfect unison in their bright blue, silver and black uniforms.

"It's not safe on foot." Alex whispered. He scanned the area. His eyes caught the ocean. "We'll go by water."

"A mountain is on land." Kyle said.

"Thank-you, Captain Obvious..." Alex growled.

"You're welcome Lieutenant Sarcasm." Kyle smiled.

Alex rolled his eyes.

They began running towards the water. Jess took out a pokeball. A Lapras came out and floated in the water. They all climbed on Lapras' back and Lapras pushed away from the land.

Alex leaned against the back of Lapras' neck. "We just really need to make it to Oreburgh and we can enter Mt. Coronet from there." Jess and Kyle nodded.

Jess stretched out her arms and yawned. "Well, I'm gonna rest."

Alex nodded. "I agree."

The next morning, Alex lay curled up in the grooves of Lapras' shell. Water rose up and splashed him in the face. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. He looked around. Kyle and Jess were gone. Alex saw that Lapras was laying in the shallow of the water. He jumped into the icy water and ran up to the town. "Kyle! Jess!" No one responded. He heard screams coming from a building. It sounded like Jess. "Jess!" Alex ran into the building, not knowing it was a Galactic base. He ran down hallways and screamed for Jess and Kyle. A big man slid in front of him. Alex gasped. He quickly spun around and started running the other way. But a guard wrapped his arm around Alex's torso and flung him over his shoulder. Alex punched his back. "Let me go! Let me go!"

The guard laughed. "I can't do that. I'm gonna put you with your little friends."

They've got Jess and Kyle? The guard walked down to a room and threw Alex in the room. But not before tying his arms tight to his side. His head smacked against the edge of the window ledge. He began bleeding.

"Alex!" Kyle shouted.

"Why didn't you guys stay put!" Alex shouted.

"W-we were hungry..." Kyle cried.

Jess looked over at Alex. "You're bleeding..."

Alex flicked his neck so his hair moved out of his face. "I could care less about that! I just wanna get outta here!" Alex kicked at the wall. He ran out of energy after a while and he fell on his back.

The door opened. Two men came in. One had a Luxray on a chain. It was snarling and its fangs bared. "We're gonna get rid of you two one way or another. How dare you defy the orders of Master Cyrus. He controls even adolescence like you three." Luxray jumped forward, missing Jess' face by whisker.

"You can't do this!" Jess cried.

"Oh, but we can." One said. "Listen girly, its people like you that make Master Cyrus sick. So be good little kiddies and let Luxray do its job, alright?"

Alex sat up. "No! Not alright. Let us go!"

The guard smirked. He dropped the chain and shut the door quickly.

Luxray glared at them. It began walking towards Alex. Stalking him. Watching him.



What did you think? So far, so good? Comment please!

 

[Dagzar]

Okay, time for a review!

August 7th, 2013

I think putting the date here is out of place. I can see the date on the book because it seems diary-ish, but the second one disrupts the flow of the story. The date can easily be added in regular narrative.

The words cut off. Alex flipped through the rest of the pages. They were all blank. A few were ripped out in the back. Alex closed the book and looked at the cover. It was a rusty red color. It was stained with what seemed like blood and coffee. On the cover, the words "Jewel of Life" were engraved in gold. There was a loud bang on the door. Alex froze.

"Hey! Where did he go?!" Alex heard the men upstairs shout. The men ran to the window and looked down. Alex looked back up at them and smirked. He saluted and Torterra stomped away from the crumbling library.

Why is Alex using a Torterra to get away? Whenever I think of those Pokemon, I see them as very slow and I can hardly think of them running. The men chasing him should easily be able to keep up, and even then, why don't they throw their own Pokemon out the window?

Torterra stumbled into the woods. Alex jumped off its back and ran into the abandoned Pokemon Mansion. He cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, "Hey!"

A little description here would be nice. What does the mansion look like? What do the woods around it look like? I'm assuming that it's the Eterna Woods because that's the only other place in the games that have an abandoned mansion (not including the one on Cinnabar). And why is it named the Pokemon Mansion? I looked up the name on Bulbapedia, and it tells me that the mansion the old rich guy live in (the guy with the trophy garden) is also called the Pokemon Mansion.

I dunno, I guess I'm just kind of confused where this is taking place.

A girl about his age ran down from the hallway. A younger boy slid down from the railing and stood next to the girl in the foyer in front of Alex. Alex began pacing in front of them.

This looks better with a new paragraph.

"I found this book," he began dramatically, "only one page is written. It's about this. What is happening to our world now." He stopped. He pulled the book out of his bag and tossed it to the girl. She opened it and scanned the page. She handed it back to Alex.

"Who wrote it?" she asked

"I don't know. But it must've been someone smart because this book was dated 1996." Alex said. He lowered his head so his thick jet-black hair covered his face. "But I have a feeling that this can be stopped."

"How? The damage is done," the girl said.

Alex looked up. "Don't be so negative, Jess."

Jess rolled her green eyes. "Okay, so say we can stop this, how would we? Got a plan?"

Alex opened the book back up. "In here." He put his index finger on the page. "It says something about a pokemon. In the Hall of Origin."

"Hey, I've heard of that!" the boy commented. "It was in a story Lucas would tell me. I think it's in Spear Pillar!"

Alex nodded slightly. "Nice, Kyle, now we can get there."

"How? Spear Pillar is all the way up by Snowpoint City. Trying to scale the mountains just to get up there? We'd freeze!"

"No." Kyle held up his index finger. "You can get up there through Mt. Coronet. It will take you all the way up to the top and you are protected from the elements." Kyle was the smartest of the three. Even though he was only ten and Alex and Jess are fifteen.

I question calling Kyle the smartest of the group. In real life, you can't just label people like that. Some people are smart in some things and others are smart in some other things.

Also, you seem to be having dialogue problems. It's a fairly common problem since placing commas can get complicated. Here's an example how on it's done.

First, there's regular speaking, both ways.

"I don't like you," she said, frowning.

Frowning, she said, "I don't like you."

See how you use commas instead of periods? Also, 'she' isn't capitalized since the dialogue is part of the sentence.

"I don't like you, either." He turned his head, glaring out into the distance.

He turned his head, glaring out into the distance. "I don't like you, either."

Since there are no tags, a period is used. The dialogue isn't part of the sentence this time.

Exclamation points and question marks are the same as my first italics quote.

"Then why are you here?" she demanded.

He spun around, shouting, "Because I'm just trying to help!"

Dialogue is tricky at first, but it'll be automatic once you get it. Practice makes perfect!

Alex walked outside. He put Torterra back in its ball. Jess and Kyle came running out. They began walking through the town. There was not a sign of life anywhere. They were all silent until the sound of boots pounding on the ground broke the silence. Alex grabbed Kyle's wrist and they ducked behind a building. The two guards passed them. They were walking in perfect unison in their bright blue, silver and black uniforms.

Okay, this is something I've been noticing. You tend to write your sentences in fragments, when you easily merge them together. It would make everything read easier. Here's what this paragraph would look like merged sentences:

'Alex walked outside, putting Torterra back in its ball. Jess and Kyle came running out and they began walking through the town, where there was not a sign of life anywhere. They were all silent until the sound of boots pounding on the ground broke the silence. Alex grabbed Kyle's wrist and they ducked behind a building. The two guards passed them, walking in perfect unison in their bright blue, silver and black uniforms.'

See how that flows much better? Don't be afraid the merge sentences when you can.

"It's not safe on foot," Alex whispered. He scanned the area. His eyes caught the ocean. "We'll go by water."

"A mountain is on land," Kyle said.

Alright, I'm going to break up this next paragraph so I can get all the points.

The next morning, Alex lay curled up in the grooves of Lapras' shell. Water rose up and splashed him in the face. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. He looked around. Kyle and Jess were gone. Alex saw that Lapras was lying in the shallow of the water.

Okay, first thing: Alex is sitting on Lapras, noticing that his friends were gone, and then sees that Lapras was floating in shallow water. The way you phrased it makes it seem that Alex sees Lapras floating from a distance, not while on top of it. I think more description here would clear up the confusion and maybe replacing 'saw' with 'noticed'.

He jumped into the icy water and ran up to the town. "Kyle! Jess!" No one responded. He heard screams coming from a building. It sounded like Jess. "Jess!" Alex ran into the building, not knowing it was a Galactic base. He ran down hallways and screamed for Jess and Kyle. A big man slid in front of him. Alex gasped. He quickly spun around and started running the other way. But a guard wrapped his arm around Alex's torso and flung him over his shoulder. Alex punched his back. "Let me go! Let me go!"

Why doesn't Alex send out his Pokemon? Also, I don't see how Alex can't get out from the man's hold. Having a fifteen-year-old over your should would require a lot of strength and balance, so even a tiny amount of struggle would force the man to put him down.

The guard laughed. "I can't do that. I'm gonna put you with your little friends."

They've got Jess and Kyle? The guard walked down to a room and threw Alex in the room. But not before tying his arms tight to his side. His head smacked against the edge of the window ledge. He began bleeding.

How did Alex smack his head against a window sill?

"Alex!" Kyle shouted.

"Why didn't you guys stay put!" Alex shouted.

"W-we were hungry..." Kyle cried.

They were only out in the water for about a night, right? They're trainers; shouldn't they know to pack food by then? And they just happened to park the Lapras right outside a Team Galactic base?

Alex flicked his neck so his hair moved out of his face. "I could care less about that! I just wanna get outta here!" Alex kicked at the wall. He ran out of energy after a while and he fell on his back.

Fell on his back? Wouldn't he bang his head on the ground? Why didn't he just sit down?

The door opened. Two men came in. One had a Luxray on a chain. It was snarling, its fangs bared. "We're gonna get rid of you two one way or another. How dare you defy the orders of Master Cyrus. He controls even adolescences like you three." Luxray jumped forward, missing Jess' face by whisker.

Alright-y, I think your biggest problem is that you don't describe much. The only thing I really know is that the world is apparently in some sort of post-apocalyptic scenario, but you don't describe how that happened or what's going on. Apparently, cities are destroyed and no one's around but Team Galactic, though I can only assume since you don't tell us. More description could definitely get rid of some of the confusion going on.

Like, how did Alex find 'The Jewel of Life'? Was he just flipping through random books at the abandoned library and happened to come across it? Either way, it seems like an awfully big coincidence that he could come across something penetrating to Arceus. Also, why do he and his friends believe it's telling the truth so quickly just because it seems related to their situation? You can find numerous books and websites devoted to how the world is, or going to, end.

Also, in the book is describes that, 'Thousands will be dead, thousands will be injured.' That's nice and all, but it doesn't go with the world-in-ruins thing you have going on. Really, 'thousands', however vague, isn't that big of a number. I live in a pretty small town already, and it has over 30k people! No matter how mean it sounds, I just can't see thousands of people's deaths making such an impact as it apparently has.

Well, anyways, I think you have an interesting idea on your hands. It just needs more description and be explained a bit more. If you have any questions (especially concerning dialogue, I'm not sure if I explained it well), feel free to PM me. In the meantime, I'll be keeping an eye on this, so expect further reviewing in the future.

I know I've been kind of negative, but don't let it get you down. You have the basics and a good start, so keep up the good work. :)

 

[Saltare.]

Thanks. I'll think about that.

 

[Krystallyn]

I really like this storyline, but I agree with Dagzar. You need to be more descriptive, instead of always making us guess. Still, I shall keep reading. I like the storyline.