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I read this article a few months back and thought it was quite funny. I can't believe how poorly designed some of the new pokemon are.
Given that there are 493 different types of Pokémon, it only makes sense that there would be some very odd looking ones. Well, this week I narrow down the list just so you can see the most unusual of the already unusual. This may be interesting to those of you who have not played the series in years. You can see what you have missed! The only rule for this list is that the alternate form Pokémon from Platinum, namely for Rotom, Shaymin and Giratina, are not eligible. Let's get this thing started.
10-) Tangrowth - Tangela was one of those Pokémon that I kept forgetting about. You see, it was always kind of there in the first generation but I don't know anybody who really used it or thought that it was anything special. It was just kind of there. So, out of all the Pokémon who have yet to evolve, for whatever reason Nintendo decided to grant this odd little number from generation 1 an evolution. They seemed to love doing this with Generation 1 Pokémon in Gen IV because Porygon, Electabuzz, Magmar, Rhydon, Magneton and Lickitung all received additional evolutions in this title.
So what do they do with Tangela? The only thing you really can do with a small pile of vines. They make it a BIG pile of vines. Now Tangela goes from looking like a cute little thing that nobody really gave a second glance to this hulking behemoth of a Pokémon that people can't look away from because they seriously can't believe Nintendo's creative department let it through the gates. I mean, sure, you really can't do much with Tangela as far as evolutions is concerned, but why even give it an evolution in the first place eh?
Now we have this monster that elicits a clear message of tentacle rape. That's right, now when I have to see this monster that reminds me of a stereotypical hentai scene. I imagine the scene down at Pokémon development was something like…two guys were watching some hentai and one turns to the other and goes: "Whoa man, I really like this tentacle stuff." The other one would sigh and go: "If only there was a way to implement this into our game that is aimed towards children." Suddenly an image of a smiling Venusaur popped into their heads but they had to shake their heads sullenly because they remembered that Venusaur is already fully evolved. Suddenly, one of them remembers Tangela for the first time since, well, ever…and WOILA! We have tentacle rape: the Pokémon.
Long story short, don't leave Tangrowth at a Pokémon Daycare with any creature you're particularly fond of. You may get a Pokémon egg, but I'm sure the daycare couple will have an interesting story to tell you. I'm also sure your other Pokémon will mysteriously be left unable to fight. Tangrowth is just plain creepy.
9-) Porygon-Z Porygon-Z evolves from Porygon 2. Porygon 2 was the evolution to Porygon that nobody really asked for in the second generation. Still though, the introduction of Porygon-Z is pretty interesting. You see, it marks the only time that a Pokémon that evolves from a means other than leveling up evolves again. This means that in the future you could conceivably see evolutions for Steelix or Scizor. That would be pretty cool.
The interesting thing about Porygon-Z is that he was intentionally made to look weird. When you look at his portrait down there, you may notice that he has three limbs that appear to have no apparent use and a very smooth duck bill. For what reason this monstrosity was given a mouth, I have no idea but…it's there. He also sports one of those Knuckles-esque neck things. This is, I assume, to just be stylish and has no actual use to Porygon-Z's body. Neat I guess?
You may notice that I said intentional. Well, when you look at Porygon-Z's data you may notice that he evolves from something called a "dubious disk". Porygon evolves into Porygon 2 thanks to an upgrade. So, this would imply that Silph Co. was not behind this disk and somebody hacked the Porygon program to make their own special little creature. If you look at it closely, it kind of looks like a deformed Porygon 2, which would support that it's modded in some way. So I guess I like the idea that it's supposed to look like a poorly altered Pokémon because, err, it is.
That doesn't mean it's not messed the hell up though. Can't you just hear this thing whimpering out: "Kill me". It looks like a monstrosity that has no place in this world. Its spinny eyes, its head that is not connected to its shoulders, its sleek body…I just don't know what to make of this thing. Luckily, it's strong as ****. It holds the highest special attack for a non-legendary Pokémon – well, tied with Alakazam – and can be quite speedy as well. So, well, at least the Pokémon is quite useful in combat on top of looking just flat-out bizarre.
Put this thing out of its misery.
8-) Palkia - Legendary Pokémon are a tradition that dates back to the very first game. Only one of these appear per play through and if you fail to catch it the first time, you'll never have one without trading for it. Due to the extreme rarity of these Pokémon, they also happen to be super strong. The most obvious version of this is Mewtwo's power in Gen I. In that game, Mewtwo was completely broken and the only good counter for the creature was another Mewtwo. Due to this insane power, legendary Pokémon are among the most popular.
Most of the time they receive pretty good designs, but I guess that doesn't always happen as occasionally you'll get this. Take a look at Palkia. He probably seems fairly harmless to you, hell, he might even seem a little cool! I mean, he's a white and pink dragon type that looks like a tough customer. He swims underwater for pearls and clams for goodness sakes, what is not to like? People seem to believe that Palkia is based off of the sauropod, a bipedal Plateosaurus.
Okay, now that you've got the initial impression out of your head, take a close look at his, well, head. Look from his head to his shoulders very carefully. This may take a few attempts but once you've seen this I assure you, you will be unable to un-see it. Finished? Well, if you weren't able to see the horror I'm speaking of, I will now unveil it to you. The Pokémon who graces the cover of Pokémon Pearl, one of the new faces of the franchise, has a gigantic Penis for a head.
Seriously, take a look at that thing. It should be censored for goodness sakes! I almost have to assume that the same genius duo behind Tangrowth had to be behind this guy as well. One of them looked at the other and mentioned how hilarious they thought penises were and they both guffawed for a long period of time. They laughed and laughed and laughed. They then decided it would be super funny if they placed a phallic image on the cover of Pokémon Pearl and passed off one of the new legendaries as a giant dragon penis. They go and do just that and proceed to go un-noticed for a good long time. Well, you nameless designers, I'm calling you out! I don't like this Palkia creature, no sir, I do not like it at all!
You think looking at his portrait is bad, try taking a look at his in-game battle sprite when you're using him. This is when the imagery becomes apparent. You'll tell Palkia to use Spacial Rend and you can just imagine this big floppy dick head roaring out the move and having it attack your foe. Honestly, it's something I would rather not see in my Pokémon games and is probably the reason all of these groups think Pokémon is THE DEVIL. Well Nintendo, maybe if you ****ing censored his head there wouldn't be a problem, would there?
I hate Palkia, I really do. I also apparently hate everyone of you because, if you didn't notice it before reading this, you'll notice it now and you won't be able to ever look at poor 'ol Palkia in the same way again. Yes, I am quite the jerk. I revel in it.
7-) Claydol - Before we talk about Claydol, we should also mention its special evolution Baltoy. Baltoy is a Pokémon that many people think is based off of a dreidel. Who could blame anyone for thinking this really? It looks like a tiny dreidel with closed eyes and arms. This bastion of creativity was given an evolution for some reason. Since you very clearly know that the original was a ****ing dreidel Pokémon, the evolution must be a train wreck.
You would be totally right for assuming this. Again, Claydol appears to be based off of a dreidel or at the very least a top. It spins around and looks like something you would see a Probopass play with – more on that creature later. Claydol improves on his predecessor by having more than two eyes. Actually, his entire face is covered with them. He has eyes spanning his head. So he can spin around and keep an eye on you just to creep you right out. Like Porygon-Z, it may not be "hilarious" in the eyes of some bored developers, but it's still pretty messed up looking.
As if its ability to have a billion eyes and spin around endlessly wasn't bad enough, it also can float magically. You see, because walking would just be too much of a pain on its already harrowed life. While it's floating in place scaring the living **** out of anyone who happens to stumble onto one – according to its pokedex entry it tries to stay away from modern humans because it was constructed by an ancient people – it can also shoot ****ing BEAMS out of its hands. I'm not talking Dragonball Z beams either, I mean, he can literally open up his arms to reveal canons and shoot stuff out of them. That's INSANE.
Thankfully, Nintendo decided to not further rape your senses. They made Claydol a genderless Pokémon so you don't need to worry about this thing going around and molesting your other Pokémon in the daycare. That is, unless you have a ditto. You see, despite lacking a gender, Claydol's desire to float around and rape things is so strong, it can take advantage of the poor shape shifting Ditto and deliver unto the world horrible dreidel offspring.
Claydol is a walking nightmare. I firmly believe that Walter Kovacs had a Claydol as a child and it helped him to develop into the individual he turned into (Err, thanks Claydol.). I would like to pretend this creature doesn't exist, but it has already made itself manifest into my mind and now…I can't get it out of my head. Damn you floating dreidel hell demon. Damn you to, err, hell.
6-) Magmar - Hopefully you didn't think that Generation I Pokémon would escape this list? Hah, if so, you're just insane! Just because they gave us some instant classics such as Pikachu doesn't mean that they didn't deliver weird looking creatures as well. As a whole, Generation I is probably the most grounded in reality. Most are based off of existing animals and didn't require a whole lot of creativity. Most people think Gen I's staff of creatures is the greatest because it's the simplest.
The thing that baffles me about this Pokémon is that it received both a pre-evolution and a new evolution in future games. Magby, the pre-evolution, is pretty cute but still shares some of the same problems that Magmar has, which of course I will get into. Magmortar manages to escape the Magmar lineage and come out looking pretty decent. It has a canon for an arm that ISN'T concealed so it's not creepy as all hell. Plus, mine is named PK FIYAH, so of course I will have a soft spot for the guy.
Magmar though, Magmar is something special. In Generation I he was always associated with Electabuzz because both were un-evolving special types. Oddly, both of those Pokémon received pre-evolutions and actual evolutions in later games. Unlike Magmar though, Electabuzz was cool. If you want to know Magmar's problem, take a brief look at it and talk to me. Go ahead, take a gander. It will take "BUTT" a second. I assure you, you won't think I'm full of ****. I'm not as big of an ASS as I always seem.
If you couldn't guess Magmar was gifted with an ass for a head. Seriously, the thing has a gigantic ass for a forehead. You expect me to take a fire-shooting ass seriously? This leads me to believe that the same jokers behind Palkia and Tangrowth got their start on this game. They were younger and simpler jokes fueled their hunger. They had not quite got to penis jokes yet, but butt jokes? Oh man, they were right on top of that. I imagine one of them looked to the other and said something like: "Heh. Butts." The other one tilted his head and said: "Explosive diarrhea". Suddenly they had an AMAZING idea. A BUTT THAT SHOOTS FIRE.
…Agh. No wonder I am as messed up as I am. I grew up playing a game with giant asses that shoot fire out of their mouth. Hilarious Nintendo, simply hilarious.
5-) Voltorb/Electrode - Generation I, on top of having fire shooting *******s and birds that look like some guy just sat down and drew a pigeon, also had some extremely lazy Pokémon designs. You had a Pokémon mole that looks like it took about two total seconds to draw and its evolution which took a combine six seconds to draw, but you also probably had the least creative thing of all time. They decided to make Pokémon that look suspiciously like pokeballs. These were made to fool travelers into thinking that they found a pokeball when in reality, AHHHH! IT'S AN ELECTRODE IT'S GONNA BLOW UP.
If you've never seen a Voltorb before, picture a giant ball and color it red and white. Now, take Giovanni's eyes and past them onto the top of the Voltorb. Voltorb is red at the top, so you have a couple of angry eyes in a red background. Okay, have you got that taken care of? YOU'RE DONE! You have a new Pokémon! Alright guys, great job! The problem with this is that Voltorb happens to be a foot around which is far bigger than any other pokeball. Are we to suspect some moron is wondering around the Pokémon world and sees a Voltorb and go: "OH MAN, A SUPER POKEBALL!" Come on now.
Now its evolution, I mean, did it need one? It loses the angry eyes and now adopts a more comical look. Its official art for Fire Red and Leaf Green just looks flat-out jovial. You also change color patterns. YES, NOW THE RED IS ON THE BOTTOM! INGENUITY! Of course, you can't just have a red background and not include anything in it. In a stroke of genius, they decide to add the most ****-eatingest grin. I mean, look at it! Electrode goes from an angry little guy with no mouth to the most cocky douchebag in the Pokémon universe. Electrode is also three-times the size of a Voltorb which makes people mistaking it for a pokeball even less likely. Unless they think they found a Super Ultra Mega Deluxe Pokeball Mach 3. What's even worse is that this rolling ball Pokémon was the fastest thing alive until the third generation.
Given that Gen I Pokémon were all designed by the same guy, it's hard for me to pin the blame on this creative lapse on a particular person besides the person who was in charge. That's a bit much though since they made some actual quality Pokémon in Generation I. Maybe he was feeling lazy? I'd just like to imagine that he was sitting in his office and Nintendo messaged him and said that "148 Pokémon is too weird of a number, we need a 150th". He sighs and gives a big 'ol "**** YOU NINTENDO" by making Voltorb and Electrode. He also includes Mew unbeknownst to Nintendo just for kicks. Oh that Satoshi Tajiri.
This is the first un-inspired Pokémon to appear on this list but I assure you, it isn't the last. Voltorb and Electrode took about five seconds to come up with, but there's a creature on this list that probably took even LESS time. You'll just have to wait for that one. For now, let's just mock any trainer who sees a three-foot in circumference ball and decides that it's time to catch some god damn Onix. I mean, they can't escape a super ultra mega ball mach 3 can they? **** no they can't.
4-) Garchomp - This Pokémon is probably one of the most annoying ones out there. Before it was bumped up a tier and banned by smogon, it was damn hard to get into a battle on Pokémon Battle Revolution without running into one of these suckers. I never really thought they were that good and kind of felt that the only reason people used the creature is because of its reputation, more so than their ability to used it. For those who haven't played Pokémon since the first generation, Garchomp is the rough equivalent of Dragonite for this game. 'chomp is much better though.
Looking at Garchomp's design and not his stats though, it seems to me that Nintendo just tried way too hard with him. They wanted to make a "cool" Pokémon that would appeal to people much in the same way that Pokémon like Mewtwo did in the past, but what they ended up doing was creating a mess, in my opinion at least. Really, I'm not entirely convinced that even Garchomp knows what it is supposed to be. It is of the dragon type (and ground type), but does it really look like a dragon to you?
Some say it looks like a European dragon, but I just don't see it. The first thing that comes to mind when I see Garchomp is fighter jet mixed with hammer-head shark. The pokedex seems to back my claims as they also feel he looks like a fighter jet, mentioning his supreme ability to fly. Despite his ability to fly, the Pokémon apparently can not learn the actual move and also lacks any wings. I mean, would he fly Dragonball Z style or what? At most, I could see him levitating.
Garchomp also tries to appeal to the dinosaur fan in all of us by looking kind of like one of those as well. I know dinosaurs can look kind of like dragons, but to me, a dragon should at least have SOME sort of wing before we brandish it one, and Garchomp just lacks that distinction. Look at Salamence for goodness sakes, THAT's a dragon. Garchomp looks like he could be roaming around ancient times biting off the heads of various wandering Rampardos.
As if this wasn't enough, Garchomp also has these very random claws on its hand for no apparent reason. Garchomp is already a physical being that would probably intimidate most everything that moves. It's a SCARY Pokémon to encounter as it is, but adding claws is just a bit much. It'd be like having a fire-breathing tyrannosaurus roaming around Montana with a jetpack and giving him a sword. I mean, seriously, what's the damn point? It just comes across as a bit much. It was nice that they tried and all, but maybe they tried a little too hard.
Garchomp, stats-wise, is an excellent Pokémon. I don't think I can say the same for how he looks though.
3-) Probopass - It looks like our lovable duo responsible for Tangrowth has returned for an encore performance! Nosepass was a relatively harmless Pokémon from the third generation that really wasn't good for anything except for having a really big nose. To be honest, I'm baffled that they decided to make an evolution out of him and simply left Kangashkan alone. I mean, an easy Pokémon to make would be that baby that's in its pouch. Instead of going the easy route, they decided to evolve an already existing Pokémon that nobody really cared about?
Well, maybe they should have just let it alone. If you will remember, there was a big controversy over Jynx when it first appeared because many people felt that it was racist towards back people. You will notice that in later generations of the game and in the anime, Jynx's skin color in America has been altered to a purplish tint to avoid this sort of distinction. Racism goes more than one direction, though perhaps the detractors of Resident Evil 5 don't quite know that either…
There are two just flat-out racist Pokémon in the Pokémon universe and Probopass is one of them. Take one look at him and tell me that he's not in some way offensive to a certain group of people. If you can't tell upon first glance, let's just say that I'm honestly surprised that they didn't give him hands so he can grasp money and run around the battle field. He could then proceed to suss other Pokémon, such as meowth, out of their personal belongings for a decent price. It's RIDICULOUS how racist Probopass is, I'm just surprised they didn't go all the way.
What I can picture is the geniuses behind Tangrowth watching Family Guy or something and deciding that Jew humor was pretty funny. They then decided that it would be a totally hilarious idea to include a blatant stereotype into the game and try to pass it off as a new Pokémon. They were able to get away with it in the third generation, so why not test the waters again!? After all, apparently the American public doesn't give a **** about it unless it's racism against one particular race. Let's go nuts!
It's not that it offends me, I mean, I for one laugh whole-heartedly at jokes for all races. I hate everyone equally. But really, if it's not okay for Jynx, why is it okay for Probopass to exist? Why is he allowed to go around to Pokemarts and barter with the clerks, saying: "Look, 100 is a BIT much for a pokeball, I'll tell you what. Fifty bucks. Seems like a good deal to me. I wouldn't want to take my business elsewhere"? It just seems…weird. I demand nose censorship, dammit!
Probopass is probably one of the most un-needed Pokémon ever and sometimes I honestly think Nintendo just included it because they thought it would be funny. I mean, that must be the only way. I haven't checked where he belongs on the tier list, but I'm almost certain he's UU, so he really doesn't have much of a point, does he? Oy vey.
2-) Ludicolo - This is another case of those jokers deciding to include their hilarious racial humor into the game with interesting results. Unlike Probopass though, I'd say this thing has a use. At least it was created for one game and wasn't an evolution that was randomly brought into place for no reason. Ludicolo is one of those tricky types of Pokémon like Sudowoodo. You think that it has a specific weakness based on looks, fire in his case. He's not resistant to it like sudowoodo, but it's also not super effective. You see, he is a mixed type. Part grass and part water. This can create havoc. He may be UU, but if used effectively, I believe Ludciolo can easily compete on an OU tier based battle.
When looking up information on Ludicolo to see if I could gain any insight on him at all, a bit on bulbapedia said that he was "probably based off of a bongo player." While some Pokémon have elaborate backstories on what they are based off of, Ludicolo just has a very basic one. He's based off of a bongo player. He also has a very big sombrero and likes to dance a lot. He's also associated with parties and is totally off the hook! Even his name is based off of a combination of the words "ludicrous" and "loco". He's that damn crazy!
For whatever reason, when I think of Ludicolo I think of this scene from Dexter's Laboratory when Dexter and Deedee are drinking coffee for some reason. They end up downing their mother and father's entire supply and they start freaking out. After all, Mom and Dad NEED coffee in the morning. So, instead of going to the store to buy coffee, Dexter's Mom opens a cabinet and in it is a little Mexican guy on a donkey and he has coffee beans right there! Yeah, it's pretty racist…but it's funny. Ludicolo is that kind of Pokémon.
Again, this goes right back to Probopass. I mean, why is it okay for Ludicolo to exist? He's down right crazy, I love him to death, but shouldn't he be controversial like Jynx was? Then again, it'd be hard to crack down on him too hard. He just looks so darn lovable. Every single picture I see of him, he just looks so happy with his hands in the air, dancing his cares away. Who cares if he is technically a stereotype? He is funny and he's always happy, that's all that matters.
I also noticed that the developers are a tad lazy with him because if you compare his sprites as they appear in the [COLOR=blue ! important][COLOR=blue ! important]GBA [COLOR=blue ! important]games[/COLOR][/COLOR][/COLOR] with how they appear in the DS games, you will notice that the only real change is what side Ludicolo tilts on. He has the same expression, he's doing the exact same little move, he's just tilting in the opposite direction. Am I to believe that this is the second half of an elaborate dance that started in Pokémon Ruby and Sapphire? Is it a Mexican Hat Dance? I mean, really, it's all so baffling.
Ludicolo ranks so high on this list because he's relatively racist and just, as Eric Bischoff would say, a "freakin' goof". He can brighten your day if you just look at him though. LOOK at that smile and try to hide a grin. It's so contagious. Such a happy Pokémon deserves some credit and I will give him some! That doesn't change the fact that he's a weird little creature, but he's an AWESOME, weird little creature.
1-) Luvdisc - There are a lot of lazy Pokémon creations out there. You have elaborate ones that you can tell they tried very hard on like Garchomp or Arceus and then you have the ones that look like they took about a minute to think up such as Diglet or Voltorb. Well, we have the ultimate in lazy Pokémon development right here. It is so lazy that it will probably blow your mind if you haven't seen it before. I seriously see a group of confused designers sitting around a table and someone just blurting out a word, the guys looking at each other, and nodding that this was a good idea.
Luvdisc is a ****ing side-ways heart. It tries to pass itself off as a fish by being a water type and having big puffy lips and sides that move but when you get right down to it, Luvdisc is just a heart. This is something I would expect out of a little girl trying to make a valentine's day Pokémon. I can see her sitting around going: "Wow, I really love Pokémon, I think I want to make my own! What better way to show off my love for Pokémon than with a heart Pokémon, it will be sooooo cute!"
Did they just hire some kid off the street to make a Pokémon for them? Was there some sort of contest in Japan that I wasn't aware of? This is just too bizarre. No way in hell the same guys who came up with Blaziken came up with Luvdisc. There's just no way. Was someone on messenger during work and saw that someone used a sideways heart emote "<3" and decided that it would make a super cool Pokémon? I mean, come on. At least give it some teeth or something that shows a hint of originality.
As if that wasn't bad enough, from a statistical standpoint, Luvdisc is an absolute joke. If the NU tier wasn't removed with the release of Generation IV, there would be no chance it would be UU. It has an absolutely pathetic stats spread and an even worse move pool. They decide to play the hilarious joke of making it really fast and giving it agility but no other move that's worth a damn and no other stat to make it anything special. Luvdisc would just be on a team to show the opponent how much you love them. There's no other way to get around it. Maybe one of the developers decided a fun way to propose to his wife would be to trade her a Luvdisc named marriage? A shame that he probably got a Ludicolo in return whose name was: "LOLNO".
Luvdisc is a horrible Pokémon with no use and really should not exist. It's hard to believe that the same guys behind some highly inventive creatures are also behind this monstrosity. Oh well, I guess not everyone is perfect.
