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Pikawolf

    • 221
    Posts
    20
    Years
    • Seen Apr 13, 2007
    I saw in the forest, a demon take flight
    Pounding its wings with all of its might.
    The demon, it soared, just above my head
    Rather than running, I gazed instead.

    I could hear its heart, steady and strong
    Helping it forth as its wings pulled it along.
    The demon was old, yet he didn't know
    For the world is changing, to and fro.

    As I gazed upon the beautiful sight
    Seeing this monster take its last flight
    I thought to myself, how could this be,
    That this monster had come to me.

    With one last plunge, the demon fell
    Diving into the very depths of ****.
    As I gazed upon this demon's flight,
    I thought to myself, what a beautiful sight.​


    Well, what do you think? I love writing poems, and I want to know what you all think of it. All rates and critisizms are accepted. ^_~

    ~Kelsey

    Edit: I am sorry, the censored word is supposed to be H-E-double hockey sticks. ^^;; I didn't mean to use it offensively, it was only for the sake of the poem, I forgot we couldn't use that word. ^^
     
    Wow, thats a really good poem. ^^ Keep up the good work. I cant wait to read more of your work.
     
    Awwww, thanks! Don't worry, I shall post up more work, I just need inspiration, as all writers do. ^^ Thanks for the compliment. ^_~

    ~Kelsey
     
    That was really good.*feels a bit jealous*Not all great works are published.Your poem there is better than any of the ones I've had published.
     
    eevee_evolutions said:
    That was really good.*feels a bit jealous*Not all great works are published.Your poem there is better than any of the ones I've had published.
    Click to expand...

    Dont say that, I'm sure your poems are very good. ^^

    I write quite a bit, but I dont like posting my work. =P

    And your welcome Pikawolf. ^^
     
    kelsey you ARE my inspiration for half of my poems and i think this poem is great, you are gifted and better than me i think when it comes to dtorytelling poems, but ya know i'm the king of romantic poems lol 11/10
     
    Aww, you guys are soooo sweet! And I love your work, EE! Your poem really spoke to me. And I am sure your poems are wonderful too, Legendary. ^^

    ~Kelsey

    EDIT: Awwwww, thanks Matt! Well, I do love fantasy, as you can plainly see. ^^
     
    Legendary_Pokegirl said:
    Dont say that, I'm sure your poems are very good. ^^

    I write quite a bit, but I dont like posting my work. =P

    And your welcome Pikawolf. ^^
    Click to expand...

    Yeah my poems are ok but not nearly as good as Pikawolf's.Pikawolf has some good stuff here.And I mean really good not just plain ol' good.
     
    You guys are gonna make me cry! ;-; Thanks to you all, you don't know how much this means to me. Thank you. ^^

    ~Kelsey
     
    Pikawolf said:
    You guys are gonna make me cry! ;-; Thanks to you all, you don't know how much this means to me. Thank you. ^^

    ~Kelsey
    Click to expand...

    Your most welcome.I'm glad to see another poets fine work.
     
    yes kelsey, you're poem is excellent and i'm gonna write one just for you in a while so check back by tomorrow! *hugs you and is in awe of your excellence
     
    really nice, an enjoyable read. saw a few things I liked and some that I didn't so lets just dive right into that.

    "I saw in the forest, a demon take flight
    Pounding its wings with all of its might.
    The demon, it soared, just above my head
    Rather than running, I gazed instead"
    - very strong opening, makes me want to keep reading lol.

    However this line: "just above my head" kind of disrupts the rythym. Its not even the whole line mainly the word above so maybe omit that for over so it reads: "just over head" a little more concise and it doesn't interrupt the flow. you disrupt rythym agaion in the last line when it reads: "I gazed instead" it seems a little cut off IMO. I can't think of any substitutes, but it does need a little more expansion or rewording.


    "I could hear its heart, steady and strong
    Helping it forth as its wings pulled it along.
    The demon was old, yet he didn't know
    For the world is changing, to and fro."

    - another strong stanza,but one partcular line sort of bothers me: "The demon was old, yet he didn't know". It just seems so out of place. Maybe change the last two lines as they correlate to eachother or keep the line, but revise it.


    "As I gazed upon the beautiful sight
    Seeing this monster take its last flight
    I thought to myself, how could this be,
    That this monster had come to me."
    - eh the first line: " As I gazed upon the beautiful sight" needs to be changed in either this stanza or the last. The repetition lessens the meaning of the phrase. If you use it in the end it will have more of an impact, so I suggest taking it out here. heres a suggestion, but its late and I can't think so its only meant as an example:

    I thought to mayelf, how could this be?
    That this monster had come to me.
    For often have I dreamt, and often have I thought
    of things of which the nether-regions wrought.

    -yeah its bad, the last two lines are the best I could think of after 4 hours of marching band at 11:30 pm lol. feel free to use them if they catch your fancy, but yeah its only meant as a guideline. I put the last two lines first because I felt it sounded better.

    "With one last plunge, the demon fell
    Diving into the very depths of ****.
    As I gazed upon this demon's flight,
    I thought to myself, what a beautiful sight."

    -good ending, only one criticism here, the line:"As I gazed upon this demon's flight" doesnt make any sense, because if I read it correctly the demon has already confined himself to he`ll, so maybe reflected instead of gazed or a word with a similiar meaning.

    well I hope I was of some help. Over all I found the poem to be very good, It was interesting and captivating. You have an excellent writing voice and I urge you to continue to improve your skills.

    well I fanybody has time I would greatly appreciate it if you looked at two of my pieces: "Icarian dreams" and "seduction in B minor".
     
    Thanks for the suggestions. I will try to improve it, even though I like it the way it is...it couldn't hurt to revise. ^^

    ~Kelsey
     
    lol well maybe that was a little much. thats how I get when Im on a caffeine high = ). the only reason I criticized so much was that I thought it had the potential to be really great, and if you only made small corrections it would just be that much better. I know with my poems, I'm constantly revising, always looking back moving things around, changing words, taking things out, putting things in and so on.
     
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