[Pokémon] Transcendence

[Xephyr]

Transcendence

"A Pokemon Fan Fiction by Xephyr"

Warning: This fan fiction is not recommended for anyone under the age of thirteen, due to various depicted acts of violence and some minor drug use.

Quick note: the world of Transcendence is difference than most Pokemon worlds. Rather than capturing Pokemon in balls, you find them in the wild and make a pact with the Pokemon. That Pokemon will then remain with you for the rest of its life. Your Pokemon will then live inside of you and can be called upon whenever necessary. If your Pokemon dies, you die. If you die, your Pokemon dies. It's a bit more extreme than regular Pokemon that we're used to.

Prologue: Menace

"What is your name, son?" the elderly man asked quizzically. He took another hearty bite of his soup.

"I don't have a name," he replied sharply.

The old man glanced up at the boy and back down at his soup. He judged that the boy was about seventeen, possibly eighteen. His hair was golden brown, most of it hidden beneath a black bandana. He hadn't shaved in a few days, the man deduced, for the hair on the young man's chin was a bit more than mere stubble. His face was well defined and his eyes a piercing blue that reminded the old man of a summer sky. The young boy wore a tight black shirt that displayed his muscular physique. Upon his wrist was a golden watch; the man assumed it was fake, for one would have to be extremely wealthy to afford such a watch. On his other wrist was a small tattoo of a cloud, it seemed. The old man had seen many tattoos on peoples' wrists in his day, but never one of a cloud. The boy simply stared at the ground, motionless. The old man opened his mouth to ask another question, but the nameless boy took a breath. The old man waited for him to speak.

"They call me Razor where I'm from," the nameless boy suddenly said without looking up from the floor.

The old man stared at the boy, as if willing him to offer a more detailed explanation.

"And who is this they, if you don't mind me asking?"

The boy named Razor smirked. "Sorry old man, but if I told you, I would be killed on the spot."

The old man simply looked away and coughed. This Razor figure was very mysterious. He beckoned to the waitress and asked politely for more soup while Razor merely remained motionless.

"So tell me boy, where is it you're from?" the old man asked, hoping to gather more information.

Finally Razor looked up at the man. The old man was taken aback even more by the boy's blue eyes now that he had a clearer view of them. He felt that there was something strange about his eyes, as if he were under a magical spell of sorts.

"Around," Razor said, "I was born under a willow tree. Raised on a farm for the first eight or so years of my life. From there I simply wandered until I found a place that suited me."

The old man gave him a concerned look. "And what place might that be?"

Razor glanced back down at the floor. "Once again, old man, there are some things I simply may not tell you."

The old man backed off. Clearly he wasn't going to be getting any more answers from this boy. Still, though the old man was extremely curious about the origin of this boy. The old man simply went back to his soup.

Suddenly the boy named Razor stood up. He pushed his chair in and slowly walked toward the door. He stopped abruptly, and laughed. The old man turned around and glanced at the boy, and suddenly realized he was alone in the old diner.

"Where did everyone go?" he asked himself. He spoke loud enough that the boy might hear it and have an answer for him.

Razor turned to him, "surely you knew this was going to happen, old man."

The old man's eyes grew wide. Without hesitation, the old man kicked his chair aside and lifted his arm so the boy could see his wrist.

"Ah, so you have one too," the boy chuckled and looked closer at the man's arm. The tattoo appeared to be one of a walrus. "A Walrein, it seems. Friends until the end, old man?"

The old man glared at the boy. "I've been through a lot with this Walrein, and our journey isn't ending now!"

The elderly raised his arm as high as it would reach. "Assist me, Walrein," he yelled. Razor glanced around the room and noticed the temperature in the diner was beginning to drop. Suddenly a crash was heard as the ceiling began to collapse. A mixture of snow and frigid water flew into the room from the hole in the ceiling. The ground began to shake, and a mighty Walrein crashed into the diner from the same hole in the ceiling. It let out a loud bellow and glared at Razor with intense ferocity.

Razor laughed, "I'm sure you noticed my tattoo a few moments ago. It's understandable that one wouldn't realize what a tattoo that appears to be a cloud would be." He raised his arm in a similar fashion as the elderly man, "you should try thinking outside of the box, gramps."

Without warning, the entire diner began to collapse and an ear-piercing roar of thunder was heard from outside. A bolt of lightning struck the ground in the diner, giving off a blinding light that left the old man motionless. As the light began to dissipate, the elderly man looked up to see an Ampharos standing next to Razor, but it was unlike any Ampharos he had ever seen. The electric sheep-like Pokemon emanated a sinister black aura. Its eyes were a dark red, and they stared into the old man's, leaving him in a stunned state.

"Ampharos, kill them with Discharge," yelled Razor.

The old man couldn't react, as the piercing eyes of the Ampharos left him in a trance. The Ampharos reared its head and roared as a large circular volt of electricity shot out from him. The entire diner began to crumble from the force of the Ampharos's attack. The elderly man was unable to move as both he and his beloved Walrein fell to their death in the middle of the diner.​

​

 

[Citrinin]

First off the bat, I'd like to remark on how much I like your elegant title. :3

He judged the boy was about seventeen, possibly eighteen.

There should be a "that" after "judged" in order to introduce the subordinate clause. In some cases, dropping the "that" is OK for dialogue as it can be common and natural, but when you're narrating, you want to be as correct as possible.

Upon his wrist

Although it's obvious what you mean, it's kind of awkward, like you're saying that the watch is just sitting on top of his wrist, not wrapped around it. You don't have to change it, but it seemed to me like odd wording.

The old man had seen many tattoos on one's wrist in his day

The use of "one" here refers to a single indefinite person, not a group thereof. In other words, what you're saying is that he's seen a lot of tattoos on the same wrist.

That being said, the use of the cloud tattoo interests me and really draws the reader in by making them wonder about its significance.

"So tell me boy, where is it you're from?" The old man asked, hoping to gather more information.

"The" should be "the", as it extends the sentence, but doesn't start a new one.

The old man was taken aback even stronger

The use of "stronger" seems like an odd word choice. It could be dialectal, of course, but it seems to be an unusual use of language to describe something as strongly taken aback.

He felt that there was something strange about his eyes, as if he were under a magical spell of sorts.

I can't help but feel that you should have taken us into the old man's thoughts, here. Tell him what specifically he found strange about them. And, if they just gave him the creeps but he couldn't pinpoint why, it may be more effective to mention that explicitly. You might want to play around with this, but just describing it as "strange" seems hollow to me.

"I was born under a willow tree. Raised on a farm for the first eight or so years of my life. From there I simply wandered until I found a place that suited me.

You forgot to add the closing quotation mark here.

Still, though the old man was extremely curious in the origin of this boy.

I think that "about" would be more appropriate than "in".

Suddenly the boy named Razor stood up.

After Razor insisted that "Razor" was not a name, but just something he was called by, I think that the narration using "named" without any qualification (implied or otherwise) is inappropriate.

Suddenly a crash was heard as the ceiling began to collapse.

Sometimes, the passive voice is useful, like when you want to convey helplessness. But in a situation like this, where excitement is picking up and loud sounds start to occur, you don't want to be using the passive voice. It makes it seem tame.

It's eyes were a blood red

"It's" should be "Its" - "it's" is only used as a contraction for "it is".

blood red

Try to avoid clichés where you can in the narration. It's very tempting and natural to resort to them in everyday conversation, but it can make your writing appear stale and recycled.

destroying the entire room.

I'm sure this was a very poignant image in your head when you were writing it, but I'm not feeling it as a reader; it's too vague. You need to describe, in sufficient detail, the destruction of the room, and show the reader what you envisioned.

fell to their death

I like how you joined the two concepts as one - one death, as opposed to two deaths.

Overall, I think the story has an interesting premise with which you could go far. It's always fascinating to see new, creative perspectives on the Pokémon world. You characterised Razor well: you've introduced him just enough to satisfy the reader, but not so much that he stops being interesting and mysterious. Similarly, the intentions of the old man fascinate me. Essentially, if your intention was to create an atmosphere of mystery and anticipation, you've succeeded.

 

[Xephyr]

That was indeed my intention. And dang man, you're awesome. That's the best literary criticism I've ever gotten. I'll try and fix everything when I have time. But seriously, thanks!

 

[Citrinin]

You're welcome, and thanks for the compliment. ^_^

By the way, it didn't occur to me to mention it at the time, but you should feel free to stop in at the Writer's Lounge if you ever need any creative help. Writing is an uphill battle, and writer's block can really hurt good fics. I can tell you from experience that it really helps if you ever reach a hurdle as a writer. :D