Transformation

[alaskapigeon]

This is shortish, but yeah, I sorta like it, so.


Butterfly turned to a crow,
Dreams of colors dulled to black,
Screams at its imagined foes,
Rips its feathers from its back,
Itself is all it can attack.

Little lamb, brought to kill,
A lion hides inside its skin,
Thirsting for the awful thrill,
The final, damning sin,
To become what it has been.

Raindrops fall from a dreary sky,
Heaven changed from gold to grey,
Paradise ruined by a lie,
The tainted can no longer stay,
And are sent, broken, on their way.

 

[Oryx]

Just pointing out that I love this rhyme scheme. That extra line to the basic ABAB format sounds really cool in this, and puts a lot of emphasis on that last line in each stanza. The rhymes also flow very well, and don't sound forced at all, which is often an issue with poets that want a rhyme scheme, so good job with that! Another thing I love about this poem is the rhythm. You seem to switch for the most part back and forth between starting on an emphasized syllable and starting on an unemphasized one, and I think that makes it sound really good.

One line that I think needs some tweaking is line 9. All of your other lines have four beats in them rhythm-wise, and this one only has three which causes the reader to stumble a tad on it. I'm not sure exactly what you'd like to put in there to emphasize what you're saying, but I would suggest a word at the beginning with two syllables. Sorry for the specificity, I just think it would sound nice xD

The only other thing that I could say is that I feel like the title could have some more meaning in it. "Transformation" doesn't say much about the poem that you can't get from reading the words themselves; in my opinion the best titles are the ones that add to the poem, instead of describe it, or ones that have a subtle meaning. I can't really help you on suggestions for this though, it's something you have to look at yourself - is there anything you wanted to add into the poem, but couldn't find a place to fit it? Is there more backstory that can be alluded to in the title? I'd love to see what you come up with :)

Anyway, this is a great poem! You should post some more work later :3