Two Poems (Sonnet & Blues)

[Lady Gaga]

Sonnet (1)​

If one does not believe in the holy
In the Savior that came down to our Earth
Will they go to hell and be marked unholy?
For a reason Mother Mary gave birth.​

If you don't follow us, the bible said.
When death arrives, heaven's doors won't open.
You will go elsewhere, where nobody's fed,
And torture will come, because of your sin.​

But a sin it is not, what blasphemy.
What happens to those who trust other gods?
Their eternity will not be with glee.
Things like this I don't applaud.​

We are all human no matter belief.
Care about the now, do not grief.​

Blues Poem​

I want your everything, with me right now
I want your everything, with me right now
The essence of hate I disavow​

I feel like a monster, needing you now
I feel like a monster, needing you now
To stop I can not vow​

If only you would listen
Oh if only you would listen
Our life would glisten​

Your hate would be gone
And love could be drawn​

Constructive Critisim Welcome :3

 

[Deleted member 143209]

Good for a start, now you need to learn some techniques. Poetry goes far past rhyming so try learn some techniques to add depth to your poetry.
I'll list a few in which you should try learning;
Onomatopoeia is one of the easiest to learn and use (but not spell). The definition of onomatopoeia is a word imitating a sound. For example; 'buzz', 'moo' and 'beep'. This can be used in a variety of ways giving the reader a 'hands on' feel.

One technique that you might be familiar with is alliteration. This procedure is used by starting three or more words with the same sound. An example of this would be 'The crazy crackling crops.' The three words don't have to have the exact same beginning to have this effect.

The next style is assonance. It is defined as a repetition of vowel sounds within syllables with changing consonants. This is also used in many different circumstances. One would be 'tilting at windmills.' Notice the vowels within each syllable sound the same.

The last but not least style is metaphor. A metaphor is a word or phrase used one way to mean another. Metaphors are sometimes hard to spot and take some thinking to figure out, but they give writers more power to express their thoughts about a certain situation. One famous case where a metaphor is used is within 'The Raven' by Edgar Allen Poe. In fact, not only is it found within the story, the story itself is a metaphor of memory and the constant reminder of the narrator's loss.



Probably some of the most fundamental techniques in poetry and are seen all great work throughout history. I would advise learning them and inserting them into future poetry.
The repetition you used in your second poem breaks flow a little and it doesn't read well, try not to repeat a line twice directly after one another.

 

[Lady Gaga]

The repetition you used in your second poem breaks flow a little and it doesn't read well, try not to repeat a line twice directly after one another.

That is how the poem is supposed to be like though, apparently. Though, thank you so so much for the post, I really appreciate it. I will definitly use your tips.

 

[Deleted member 143209]

the poem is supposed to be like though, apparently.

A poem isn't "supposed" to be like anything, it's the writers personal response to some of lifes things or aspects. In saying that though I was just pointing out the more Technical side to poetry such as adding depth. Poetry is very much personal but I don't think anyone can acess you on that so adding technique to poetry as well as adding your own personal justification, is the key to writing well structured poetry. I would have went through a review but I think some tips on how to add depth to your future poems will benifet you just as much. Though keep working at it and take your time. I've written poems that have taken weeks to finish, when it comes to writing you shouldn't force a deadline x]