Umbreon's Aventure-Parts 1-3

.::t w i l i g h t::.

Look! I blink!
    • 283
    Posts
    20
    Years
    Note: This is a story of an umbreon just like me, named Chandra. Her name is never mentioned, but IT IS NOT ME. ok? Ok. *gives reader a cookie for understanding* ^_^​




    .: P a r t 1:.​

    My story begins here, in the forest surrounding blackthorn city.The forest I was born in. In pokemon years, I am about 17. I had just the Other day, left my family's den. all My brothers and sisters had also left to survive on their own, or with a sibling. Most of them left in pairs and would split up later to fend for themselves. But I had chosen to leave on my own, confident I could make It alone. But now I realize I was wrong. The first night I had to sleep in a damp hollow log, and I had to eat bugs and mice. I tried to eat some grass to wash out the bad taste, which was not natural as my species is carnivorous, And it just made me sick. I was parched after that and had to walk 3 miles to find water safe enough to drink (I found a stagnant pool which after one lick made me even sicker) and another mile just to find the log. I learned an Important lesson about survival that day: It isn't easy.
    Now, back to the present. I am currently travelling to find A battle to raise my level. I'll explain why. the first few days of my journey, I realized my level was really low. Play-fighting with my siblings had only levelled me up to about 13, and I needed to be at least 30 to match up to the local predators. To survive I need A high level, and 13 was definately not enough. Walking through the forest on a summer evening, of course the air is full of mosquitoes. I'm beginng to think the little pests like my the best. I saw a huge old tree with Curvy, knarling root that stuck out of the ground, making a small cave. I crawled in, in an attempt to escape the mosquitoes. As the sun began to set, I decided to give up my search and settle in for the night. as I moved deeper into the cave, I realized there was a tunnel dug out of the earth. I thought it must have been used and abandoned by some other pokemon or animal. It was abit larger than me so I had no trouble giong deeper and deeper until.. I froze. I heard A sound! whatever was living in here was still living here! I heard A low growl that escolated into A vicious snarl. Two red eyes glowed in the dark.
    .: P a r t 2:.​
    I tried to back out of the tunnel, but I was too slow, so, foolishly, I turned and dashed out. The creature leapt out after me. as it stepped into the light, I saw it was a spiny yellow creature with a white ruff and a bushy area like a tail. It attacked without warning, and sprang toward me. I dodged, and leapt behind one of the huge roots of the tree. I peeked out from behind the root. I ducked quickly, seeing a stream of needles shoot above my head! The jolteon jumped over the root and attempted to pounce on me. I dodged, and leapt over the root. But something told me not to run. A voice buried deep inside me, struggling to be heard. It came out as a challenging growl. I gasped, and stood frozen. The jolteon leapt over again, accepting the 'challenge' My mind yelled to run away, but I stood like a statue. The voice battled my mind, it screamed, ::stand and FIGHT!::, while my mind said to run away. My opponet was way too strong! But the Jolteon was getting ready to attack, I had to think fast. I snapped to reality and dodged quickly. I felt a powerful darkness building in my throat, choking me, I tried to fight it down, but It forced its way up, rocketing toward the jolteon. Nooooo!!! I yelled as it made contact with the Pokemon and intantly ended it. I squeezed my eyes shut,tears streaming out of them. I turned and ran away crying.

    .: P a r t 3:.​
    I ran for a long time. I wasn't looking, my eyes were flooded with tears.I stumbled, and felt rocks crumbling beneath me. I cried out as I tumbled down a rocky slope. I hit the bottom with a sickening thud. My body was stinging all over. Iopened my eyes. it was raining. I tried to get up, but trying to lift my own weight was overwhelming. I dropped to the ground, helpless to be attacked by the other high-levelled predators. I felt the dark veil of unconciusness slipping over me. I fought to stay awake for one last moment., In that moment, that fraction of a second, I saw a light. A human-made light. I was just outside the city. just after that moment, I fell unconcious. but not quite. I could still hear everything around me because of my powerful hearing. I heard foot steps. But...something was different about them. the pattern wasn't like a pokemon's footsteps... then I heard a human gasp. the footsteps quickened. I then felt human paws piking my up. I tried to struggle, or make a sound, but I was still knocked out. I heard the footsteps running. I felt it's pulse quicken. I later heard many strandge sounds, and some other humans talking in a worried voice. but I was too weak to pay attention. I then felt a strange thing put on me that covered my nose and mouth. I knew then that I was going to die.
    but how could I be telling you this now if I did?


    C&C Please!​
     
    It's an interesting concept of a story, but shouldn't part 1, 2 and 3 be seperated? For example, part 1 could've been greatly improved if you would add details to the most suspenseful part, make the beginning effective and so forth. The idea was great, considering I am a fan of Umbreons, but all of the parts should've been more descriptive.

    Also, the beginning was a tad rushed. You flew right away and told all the information, THEN began tracing back the memories of the battle, suspense and such. It doesn't really fit, so the main thing I advise are seperating them and giving them much more details.

    As for the story, it's great. I am a HUGE fan of Pokemon point of view fics, instead of trainers. Third part, in my opinion, was good if only, like I mentioned, you would add some things, and consider using commas to string together brief sentences. Oh the font...why 1? My eyes hurt. ;_;

    Still, nice job. ^_^
     
    Er, it most definitely is not. It's an awesome fic, don't worry, all I suggested are the details and making it a bit longer. ^_^; YOu do have the impression of the tone you're using to describe the Umbreon's feelings, and that's good. ALl you have to do is build on it. :O So good luck!
     
    What you have here is an interesting idea of a fic. Umbreons aren't very commonly used (it's normally the rest of the Eeveelutions) in fics, so its a nice change from the traditional Pokemon such as the starters, Pikachu, Dratini/Larvitar/Bagon/Beldum and the other Eeveelutions. Also, Pokemon POVs often turn out to be better, since they've not infringed with the classic OT stamp on it, and that's always a good place to start ^_^

    But, like Lily said, it does have its faults. All of that could have been condensed into just one chapter, and the font could have been made bigger. I was squinting to read the fic, and that's not a good thing. There were also numerous tense mix-ups, and it did feel a bit empty because of the lack of description... but you can always work on that for the next chapter. ^_^
     
    You must log in or register to reply here.
    Back
    Top