Under the Rose

[.:Bloody--Emo--With--A--Rose:.]

I dream of the winter in my heart turn to spring as the ice gives way under my feet.
And so I drown with the sun.
I've been burning in water and drowning in flame to prove you wrong and scare you away.
I admit my defeat and want back home in your heart.
Under the rose. I open my eyes with a sigh of relief.
As the warmth of summers sunlight dances around me.
And I see you with dead leaves in your hands. As I'm under the rose.



Please rate it.

 

[Yuki N.]

It would be nice if you can separate this into stanzas. It would help and would make a nice "poetry" feel. ^-^

But these are nice imagery and metaphors... although it's free verse, it would be even better if we can make a structure and make it really nice sounding.

 

[Sakura~]

Stanzas would be very nice! It's free verse, and...well, not very knowledgable in that area. I think your imagery, as Yuki said, was nice. It gave me a soothing picture. Next time, try getting some structure involved. Good work!! ^-^


~M

 

[~Ozy~]

Sorry for my absence, all. Been on vacation.

What went wrong: As stated before, having stanzas, or at least a typical line format would help this piece vastly. Although it is written in a (moderately) valid poetic format, it is not well suited to the nature of this work. In general, I think it needs refinement, like this was the five-minute freewrite before the poem. In keeping with that, although solid on poetic merits, it seems to ramble, and is unfocused. Finally, the line "burning in water and drowning in flame" reems of paradoxical cliche.

What went right: Again, as stated before, your imagery is sound. It captures the attention of the reader and helps draw them into the poem.

How to improve: First, refine it. Revision is the simplest (if most annoying) step to make your poetry better. Secondly, you did well with your imagery, and minor instance of personification. I'd like to see a longer work from you in which you try using several other devices. Finally, take one extra step with your imagery. Don't simply use them to draw the reader into the poem, create a deep emotinal response in the reader. Or, at least, strive for it. It's an elusive beast. In any case, I think you have potential. Keep writing.

Overall score: 6/10

 

[~Ozy~]

Sorry for my absence, all. Been on vacation.

What went wrong: As stated before, having stanzas, or at least a typical line format would help this piece vastly. Although it is written in a (moderately) valid poetic format, it is not well suited to the nature of this work. In general, I think it needs refinement, like this was the five-minute freewrite before the poem. In keeping with that, although solid on poetic merits, it seems to ramble, and is unfocused. Finally, the line "burning in water and drowning in flame" reeks of paradoxical cliché.

What went right: Again, as stated before, your imagery is sound. It captures the attention of the reader and helps draw them into the poem.

How to improve: First, refine it. Revision is the simplest (if most annoying) step to make your poetry better. Secondly, you did well with your imagery, and minor instance of personification. I'd like to see a longer work from you in which you try using several other devices. Finally, take one extra step with your imagery. Don't simply use them to draw the reader into the poem, create a deep emotional response in the reader. Or, at least, strive for it. It's an elusive beast. In any case, I think you have potential. Keep writing.

Overall score: 6/10