[Pokémon] Vengeance

[DracoLatch]

Part 1

Spoiler:

A young boy with messy white untamed hair runs through the grasses of Ten Carat Hill. Thousands of emerald green blades of grass, mighty in number, standing proudly as they were brushed by the gentle breezes that enveloped the landscape. Within the plane, flowers and bushes neighbored these grasses. A calm peacefulness remained in the grasses--That is, until the young boy and his elder sister roll around in them! The two laugh and giggle, having the time of their life.

"Isn't Alola great? I never want to move!" The boy snickered.

"Alright, let's make a promise then! No matter what happens, we'll never leave each other. We'll be citizens of Alola for life!" The girl replied.

"Alright! Sure!"

"On this day," Said an bald and elderly robed man with a beard so large it stretched all the way down to his chest. He was inside of a small Japanese-style wooden house. Before him, was a person hiding their face and body, kneeling down.

"You are now the Captain of Alola." The old man said as he put a white cloak with a red cross onto the unidentifiable figure.

"Come on, work those feet! You've got to go faster, faster!" A brown skinned coach yelled at a teenage girl sweating vigorously in a white hoodie and sweat shorts. She was jumping rope, but nothing was normal about how she did it. Her legs were moving so quickly, that the rest of her body could barely keep up, and neither could the coaches eyes. Hundreds of afterimages were left every time she moved.

"Whoo! I'm feeling a bit tired now, can I quit?!" She asked as she took off her hoodie, revealing luxurious yet wet pink hair which swayed to the side.

"That was awesome! An extreme speed like that, nothing could go wrong in combat!"


A teenage boy with messy white untamed hair stands in the grasses of Ten Carat Hill.Thousands of emerald green blades of grass, mighty in number, burning violently proudly as their ashes were brushed by the violent breezes that enveloped the landscape. Within the plane, the flowers and bushes neighbored these grasses, and above all, the girl he called sister, destroyed by the flames of a red creature with a yellow beak. A raging anger flowed from the veins of the boy into the grasses. A rage that shall never, ever, leave.

The unidentifiable figure stood inside of a weapons shop, holding a cutlass with a red handle. They swung it around a few times, getting a good feel for it.

"This is perfect" They said in sign language.
The girl who was jumping rope was down on both knees, talking to a pair of tombstones that read "Robert Awana and Lewuha Awana", tears flooding her face.

"I'm sorry mom… I'm sorry dad. I'll promise I'll get stronger! I'll make it up to you. I'll let you finally rest in peace! I promise you. I'll get revenge." She sobbed.

"Ruagh!!!!" Screamed the messy haired boy as a wall of water exploded behind him.

"I promise I will" Said the girl with red hair.

"I have to," Said the boy with white hair.

"It is my duty to," said the unidentifiable figure.

"Get vengeance on those that died." They all said at the same time, despite being in different locations of Hau'oli City.

 

[DracoLatch]

Chapter 1

Spoiler:

I stand upon a concrete bay looking forth at the overflowing waters of the ocean before me. The waves elegance enraptures me. It's mesmerizing pattern, a pattern that represented nothing other than what they gave-- life to any and everything. Yet at the same time, the motion is almost as if the water was trying to say something to me. Something that could be translated from a simple representation of an idea to written language. Something I will never understand.

Alola is a small island-like region that is hidden from the rest of the world. Although many people have come here and the population flourishes, information on here often does not carry over to other regions. I put out my hand, dripping onto the air as if I could have pulled the spiritual image water's currents.

"What the hell?!" I yell as I notice the beautiful dance of the waves intercepted by a random stream- almost as if there was a thin river inside of the water. It by no means looked natural.

I moved my hand to the right. As I did so, the random stream moved with it. I moved my hand to the left, and it followed. This water was reacting to me! I can't understand what's going on in the slightest. I clapped my hands together, still experimenting with the water. The stream faded. I clapped my hands again, and it returned. I had total control over this small stream of water!

I clapped my hands once more, deactivating the stream of water. I looked down at my right hand, with an emotion mixing fear and awe into one as cleanly as red and blue paint mixing into purple. A small flowing pool of water was building up in my right hand, one that was synchronized with the pulse of my blood- as it got bigger each time my heart beat.

As I returned to the central area of Hai'lou City, I found myself face to face with flaming buildings, screaming citizens, and creatures of all types, ranging from flaming foxes with nine tails, to orange dragons with fat yellow bellies, even those red billed creatures that burned my sister alive years ago.

"These monsters! They all seem to be related to fire! Maybe somehow, that power I learned could be effective against them?"

I focused energy into my right hand, grunting and yelling in strain as I attempted to force water out.

"It's not working?! What do I do?"

"Please, help!" A woman holding a female toddler in her arms said as she scooted on her bottom onto a wall. She was cornered by the orange fat bellied dragon. There was nowhere left to run.

"I won't let you hurt my mama! If you come any closer, I'll hit you!" The kid threatened.

"No, Lola! Don't make enrage it! Run, run! I'll protect you!" The woman squealed as she put the child down and walked slowly and carefully, her body shaking the entire walk, until she finally stopped in front of the orange dragon.

My blood began to pulse in rage. Seeing that woman approach the dragon, filled my very essence with the memory of the red yellow billed monster that burned my sister alive.

"RAGH!!!" I screamed demonically as my fist exploded with water. A deafening whirring sound blasted as the water formed into the shape of a shuriken. I charged with all my might, leaping four feet into the air, pulling back my hand and forming it into a fist, and slamming my knuckles into the face of the dragon. Blood splashed out of the dragon's head like a fountain as I felt the skull of the dragon shatter on my knuckle. I continued to push the shuriken of flowing water until the head of the orange dragon popped right off. As the dragon's corpse and I landed, I slammed my fist into my chest, and yelled a battle cry of ultimate pride. I don't understand this power, or what these monsters are, but all I know is, I won't allow them to take another life in front of me.

"Interesting. Very interesting." Said a cloaked figure holding a red handled cutlass.

I breathed heavily through my teeth, my eyes bulging in anger.


"Who the hell are you?"

"I'm someone you should look up to. As I'm a slayer of these monsters, Pokemon is what we've decided to name them. Maybe someday, you can do something like this."

The cloaked figure held back their sword as if it was sheathed, although no sword holder was there. The wind around the sword pulsed into a small tornado only the size of the blade. A low pitched explosive sound surrounded the entire city, as they slashed the air. A pink crescent traveled all the way to the nine tailed fox and the red monster with the yellow bill. Both of them were slashed into thousands of square pieces.

"P-pokemon..." I gasped in awe.

 

[Astinus]

I read your prologue so far. At least, I think it was the prologue.

While reading, I was getting lost in what was going on. You jumped scenes way too fast, without giving any special break in the formatting to let the reader know that there was a scene change. Because of the formatting issue, it seemed as if the scene with the two children and the old man and the jump-roping girl were all happening at the same time (which they were) and in the same place. If that makes sense.

You should also slow down to allow the readers time to get to know these characters. It does look like that you do better with this in chapter 1 from the little that I've skimmed. Maybe you could rewrite part 1 into first-person narration if you feel more comfortable writing that way.

I am intrigued in who this jump-roping girl is and what powers she might have. And to find out who attacked the Alola region and why they did.