Virtumon.

[1ninjadude1701]

here is chapter 1

Chapter 1​

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Every day scientists discover something new. This time it is unimaginable. This time it is Virtumon. Virtumon is a Virtual World created to start an adventure. The game costs about fifty dollars to get and at least ten dollars to start with for Virtu-Money and five Virtu-Money for the Virtu-Tamers school. But you need to be at least ten years old to buy Virtumon and use it. We start with a young ten year old boy named Josh which his dad works for the Virtumon game. His dad works at home as a game tester for the newer versions of Virtumon. For every time you want to update Virtumon you need ten Virtu-Money so it's not to expensive. His dad was in his office who just recently got home but there was a bag in his hand from a game store, which by the way he goes to one like every hour.
"Son I need to speak with you in my office." He told him.
"Really! Thanks dad." Josh said sounding real joyful.
The reason he is so joyful is because he never gets to go in his office so he doesn't know what it is like until now. His dad opened the door to his office and reviled a ton of top notch machines and cool gadgets .
"I know how much you like Virtumon so I got you this."
His dad pulled out a Virtumon box from his bag from the game store.
"Awesome, Thanks dad." Josh said hugging his dad.
"I also put one thousand dollars on it so you would have enough for Virtu-tamer school. But you will still have a lot more of money on there but don't blow it all." His dad said. Josh opened the box and inside was a Virtu-System, the install disc and a head band like thing. Josh put the head band on and put the disc in the Virtu-System and Josh turned into code and then went into the world of Virtumon.
"Please say name." a computerized voice said.
"Josh" He said.
"Please say Last name." the voice said.
"Long." He said.
"All done." The voice said.

 

[Denali]

Hey good job, man. Can't wait for the next chapter; you have a cool concept and idea going!

 

[1ninjadude1701]

thanks i will keep it up.

 

[1ninjadude1701]

sorry for the wait here is chapter 2

Chapter 2​

A chill filled the air. Josh closed his eyes for a few seconds and the chill went away. He opened his eyes to see that he was in the middle of a school ground. This place was school with a wind mill and a farm. Josh could hear footsteps in the distance. The hairs on the back of his neck rose. Will he be in trouble for going on school grounds without permission. Or worse a strong virtumon ready to attack. Josh turned around to see it was only a kid. "Hello let me take you in the school for registration." He said calmly. "Thanks." And off they went.

 

[LampShade.]

You have a great plot idea and you're setting yourself up for some good thematic elements, but you need to do a lot of work on characterization, setting, style, diction (word choice), and detail.

Character - Tell us more about Josh and his Dad. Describe all of their important physical features, as well as their character traits.
Setting - I'm not quite sure what time period, city, time of the day, etc. is. It's helpful to elaborate on these. Without them, the reader has to fill in a lot of imagery for themselves, and your story begins to lose color.
Style - Writing in an objective disconnected fashion is hard to pull off. I suggest you make the story a bit more personal. Your point of view shifts around from omniscient, to third person limited, to second person. For starters, I would stick to either first person (I did this, I saw that, etc.) or omniscient. Adding figurative language and changing syntax structures also helps.
Diction - It's hard to give advice for this, but I'm pretty sure that I can provide some insights and helpful hints. First, don't use the same words over and over, unless you had a specific purpose for that. Second, try to find more elaborate or detailed synonyms for words that you're using. Third, spice up your story with adjectives and adverbs. Make sure your story is vivid and descriptive; that's the best way the writer to can connect to the reader.
Detail - I enjoyed the conciseness of your chapters, but it won't hurt to elaborate a little bit. Add a bit more to your story, whether it be developing a side plot, or introducing more characters. Don't hesitate to be a little superfluous; writers often think they are writing a lot, when in fact, a reader can cover a piece of text more than three times faster than a pen.

Anyways, I enjoyed the read, and I like the idea you have here. Keep it up! Oh, and sorry if there are any mistakes in my post.

 

[1ninjadude1701]

thanks will make corrections.