Where i am now

[Kai: Envoy of Darkness]

:os: For me it all began about, a year ago, i' d just come back to my home region Dorma and was heading for my birth place and home, Kido City. My poke'mon were strong, i was and all seemed fine, i didn't bother entering the Elite four challenge, i just wanted to go home. I swooped in the skies over the seas of Dorma over my Pidgeot, when i arrived i knew soemthing was wrong, for a start, the usually sunny region had black thunder clouds covering it's skies, not even Rayquaza could keep flight in these conditions, after all, the hail and lightning would devastate the Champion of the Sky.
When i reached Kido City, it was in ruins, burning towers and destroyed streets and the screams of people dying, i knew what had happened my grandfather warned me about this day. The Ancient order of Chaos Mages had released the Dragons of Chaos. Each dragon ahd the power of a certain type, ie. Dark/Dragon type, Steel/Dragon type, Ghost/Dragontype, and so on.
I cannot fight them alone, even though my team are at level hundred (Charizard, Blaziken, Lugia, Suicine, Espeon and Umbreon) i need the aid of more trainers as the dragons are at level 100 themselves. I am calling upon the greatest of trainers to aid me on my quest through Dorma.

 

[Mr Cat Dog]

First thing - levels have no meaning in the real world. No one would go and check what level their Pokemon was, because there wouldn't be an indicator for it. It only works in the games because of the little box above the species telling its information. But, there is no little box in real life... so level really has not meaning.

Second thing - You wrote the events as if they were a list of some sort. One after the other after the other... there was no real flow of things... and they all seemed to happen so quickly. Also, dying people don't scream... if they do scream, they do it before they die.

There were also some grammatical errors and spelling defects, but let's talk about the good points. ^_^ The actual plot (revealed like I pointed out earlier) seems completely un-OTish (hurrah), and seems edging more towards the fantasy/adventure line. This is good as it's a nice break for critiques like me and LilyPichu from reviewing OT fics... so keep up the good work. ^_^

 

[Obsidian Blade]

Okay, sounds interesting. Although the common thoughts on legendaries in fics can be "Mary Sue breeding ground" I happen to like the concept. I hope you can pull it off. ^^

Having your main character as a powerful trainer already is a very good idea, starting from the beginning and working up can be darn tedious at times. It allows you to jump straight into the action, which is good, and can make scenes that would otherwise be impossible into great reader-hooking events. What I'm worried about though is more on your style... Half way through you seemed to skip from past tense (was) to present tense (are). I realise that you were trying to avoid making it seem like the team no longer was on level 100, but it would probably be a good idea to stick with "was" anyway, just to stop the flow from sounding so bumpy.

Another thing you might want to consider is emotion in the description. Rather than writing "When i reached Kido City, it was in ruins, burning towers and destroyed streets and the screams of people dying, i knew what had happened my grandfather warned me about this day" try something a bit more emotive...

I found Kido city in ruins. As I slowly made my way towards its centre, I found my heart twisting with the sight of people lying in the rubble, their dying gurgles filling the air with the dreadful sound of death. It took all of my resolve to keep myself from rushing over them to help them out so I trained my eyes on the ground, doing my best to avoid the sight of towering pillars of smoke as they snaked their way into the red lit clouds.

Okay, that wasn't the best piece of description ever, but I hope you get my drift. Whenever something terrible happens milk it out! Scenes of mass destruction can be excellent for mean through which to display the hidden aspects of characters, so make sure to use them whenever you can.

My final suggestion would be to avoid abbreviations such as i.e. is fiction. You wouldn't see it in a published novel, so this sort of listing feature has no place in fanfiction.

Good luck with your next chapter!

 

[Kai: Envoy of Darkness]

Chapter Two:
(note: bearing the disaster of my first chapter i am going to try and improve my next one.)
I thank those other trainers for their honesty and would like to ask them if they would aid me on my quest to search for the chaos stones and defeat the legendary dragons. I hope you may be ready!

(bare in mind this isn't really the second chapter, it is a build up, sort of speak, my second chapter will be better, i'll try a draft this time! Happy hunting!) if your hunting for anything, and i hope you'll agree with the guys choices throughout, and if anyone has any ideas for a chapter or a scenario please email me or send me a message, my email is [email protected]

 

[Ryoutarou]

Is that chapter two? BEcause that dosent even look like a chapter to me...just a few words.

 

[Kai: Envoy of Darkness]

if you'd read the edit *** hole! you'd see it isn't!

 

[Ryoutarou]

AS I said in the pm, you made the edit after the post I made, I'm not on this area 24/7, so come to sense that I wasent watching the thread for your response.

 

[Kai: Envoy of Darkness]

soory about the buisne of chapter two, i don't know why but i can't post it here, sorry, i'll try, in the meantime, if u wanna read it then looke me up in the users list!