Without A Sense Of Me/What Is On The Inside?

[moody_cow_]

I decided to post two poems at once, and maybe even keep this thread to post more of my poems, we'll see! I'd just like to say that I never write rhyming poems, my mind just doesn't work like that! Or maybe I purposely try not to in order to deviate from the norm... Anyways, I wrote these two poems recently. The first is directed at pretty much everyone close to me and second is at myself. I was not doing so hot when I wrote these two, but now I have managed to pull myself out of my rut and my good old happy self again! =) Anyways, I would like some constructive criticism on these two because I want to edit them but everytime I do I never like the results and I keep it how it is, so if anyone has any ideas to help me because I still think they're missing a little something, I would be glad to hear your ideas! But please don't be too harsh on me, I am an emotional woman after all, don't want to end up in tears! Lol! Ok, sorry for all the babbling, will post poems now! =D


Without A Sense Of Me

Can't you see it?
I'm boxing myself in again.
These illusionary walls are my defense,
Designed to keep you away,
And protect me from the world.
Please leave me be in my boxed reality.

Can't you feel it?
I'm being torn apart by searing pain.
I cannot stop it, nor bear it much longer
But I can still shield you from it,
I'll push you away and hide.
I'll heal these wounds on my own.

Can't you hear it?
I'm screaming from head to toe.
I need help but you can't give it,
You're too far away to know my plight,
My cries won't ever reach your ears,
They'll only taunt me with their worthlessness.

Can't you taste it?
I'm crying into the wind.
Hoping it'll blow the misery away,
But all it does is chill me,
Freezing the salty droplets to my face
Where I'll drink them forever more.

Can't you smell it?
I'm rotting inside this shell.
My heart's got maggots eating at it,
My soul's decayed beyond repair,
A deathly aroma follows me everywhere,
I'll never be able to escape it.

Do your senses work at all?
Will nothing I do reach you?
How much longer will I suffer
Until you'll finally realize
What's going on around you?
I'm dying without you.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

What Is On The Inside...?

Why do you smile O deceiving one?
Is it because you know this mirror
Only shows your flawless side?
Those unblemished physical attributes,
Which are only rivaled
In the sculpted masterpieces
Created in the minds of past geniuses.
Beauty that inspires envy
In the hearts of those homely wretches
You so casually toss aside
With derisive glances.

Shall we turn this image inward
And show you what is there?
Or is that scene too ghastly
For your delicate comprehension?
Would the rancid innards
Turn your stomach even more,
Make you heave at the sight,
Choking on your own vileness?
Try, just try to vomit it out my pretty,
Flush yourself of all your inner bile,
Rid yourself of that decaying soul
And make believe you have cleansed yourself
Of all ungodliness.

Yeah, you sure do smile sweetly my dear,
But don't hold that pose for too long,
I could swear I'm starting to bugs
In the cracks of your yellowing teeth.

 

[melod.ii ous demyx~♪]

=3 First!! I have to say that I totally love the quote in your sig, it's so cute (the blue one~)

but now, here's your reviews from me~ cuz your writing is just awesome~

1st Poem:

Oh wow-ness~ I think that was really splendid.
Your descriptions really made everything come to life and I feel all tingly.

Especially the "Can you smell it?" one, I really found that fascinating! I could really imagine smelling rotting maggots and it's so gruesome! The detail is just really awesome. It's full of wonderful wordplay. The taste it one was awesome too. Just all the words you picked to describe each feeling was so intense. It was really great.

The Feel it stanza however, was a bit weaker than the others. The other four had such vivid description and I could really picture myself doing all of them, and they were so alive, for feel it I guess touchier words would have gave it more life. That's only my opinion, but I thought it was great either way.

The entire idea was really creative and I love how you used the five senses to show suffering and longing for love. O-o I'm actually doing a story centered around senses, so it's really cool. This hasn't been done a lot, and you did a wonderful job with it!

The last line was adorable! And the title rocks my world. Really nicely done!

OKIES! I'm rambling, but I really loved it!

Second poem~

Alright, really clever, and really depressing.
Ah, gah, it was just gruesome. Really it was.
It was really troublesome reading it and made me shudder! It's perfect for Halloween though~

I can't think of the words to describe it really, other than I really loved the idea, and the word choice was beautiful. The first section and those lines were really creative (about the statue, and you really described the beauty and the ugly well!)

The tone is really angry, and screams turmoil~

The only thing on this one is it sort of seems unfinished and the ending seems halting, but it shows a nice transformation.

.... I used the word REALLY too many times, sorry!

Oh, nicely done! Truly they were both so awesome. No lies.

 

[moody_cow_]

Oh wow! Thank you so much for the comments! I really appreciate it!! =D

About the first poem, I see what you mean about the "feel it" stanza, I shall try to improve it, it does need more descriptions and stuff doesn't it??

I'm really glad you lied it because I was quite pleased with it when it was done! The whole thing just started flowing from the first two lines, that's all I had in my head when I started writing, and someone kept trying to talk to me th whole time I was writing so I'm glad that it came out good despite the distractions and whatnot! =D

And about the second poem I'm painfully aware that it ends too quickly but when I thought it up in my head those were the lines I had pictured to end it but when I wrote it I knew that it needed more to feel complete and kept adding more on but I just seemed to have lost the flow of the poem so I've ended it there until I can think of something that will fit. The ting is I've think I've said all I needed or wanted to say so now I'm at a loss as to what to write next!! I kinda dug myself a hole you see! ^^; But yes thank you again I'm glad you enjoyed the poems! I'm trying my hard at advancing my descriptions and vocabulary I'm happy to hear that I didn't do too badly! =D

Anyways I shall look over the poems again, and try to fix what you pointed out and maybe then I'll repost them! Thank so much for the your input, I really appreciate it! *hug* Thank so much and have a wonderful day!!!

~Moody Cow~