Workings of PC's Writing Child

hmm...

Well...to be truly honest, it ain't a prize winner. It could, but it needs some major touch ups.

But overall it's a very nice peom! ^^

Hope to see more poetry from you soon! ^^
 
Finally, some critisism! Thank goodness! What don't you like about it?

In addition, my latest essay.

Away For Awhile​

Robert Frost once wrote, ?I'd like to get away from earth awhile and then come back to it and begin over.? (?Birches?) Many a time I have lain against lush grass and found myself wishing to be able to do as Frost said, simply leave earth. In the Tennessee countryside, the sky was always clear and the grass was soft enough to pad my back as I leaned back against the natural mattress. I stared at the blue nothing above me and pondered what it would be like, to get away from earth awhile. My mind became a whirlwind of thoughts, flights of fancy that I welcomed for only a short while. When the logical part of my brain kicked in, I would roll onto my side and wonder: How would such a thing affect all those around me?
I thought of my mummy, how she would cry if I just left one day, if I disappeared from earth. Then thoughts wandered to my father. I knew he would fall apart if I walked off into the sky. And my sisters? And my brother? My aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents?What of them? All would miss me wholeheartedly. My family was plainly too important for me to leave earth. Though I suppose that was where Frost?s poem continued.
?May no fate willfully misunderstand me and half grant what I wish and snatch me away not to return. Earth's the right place for love: I don't know where it's likely to go better.? Those hopes of mine, that I could get away, where halfhearted. I always knew such a thing was not plausible, but it was nice to dream. Earth is the right place for love. Being surrounded by such a family, one that loves me as they do, I do not know where it is likely to go better.

I absolutely adore the poem "Birches". This essay was written with inspiration from the film "Here on Earth" for the Poetry Society of Tennessee essay contest. I enjoy it thouroughly, and I do hope you lot do as well.
 
It's too stiff, poems should be relaxing, this is something a thesarus doesn't help with, or being formal helps with.

Best poems are done without anythought, no revising (Besides spelling).

I don't really know if that was helpful, but what I got from the poem is that it was written (written well). It just seems like you had a thesarus by your side, and you were trying to make things grammatically correct, were the best peoms aren't. That's what I got as far as mood, mood is everything in a peom, other than that it was written well.
 
Lot's of writing in this topic, it's good, but ketchup on bread is still better
 
Pardon me, Shi-goyle, but have you even bothered to read through my pieces? And posting that someone is better than another isn't the best criticism. Perhaps you could've stated a few of the characteristics of writing that this "ketchup on bread" portrays in his/her pieces and then incorporated them with my characteristics to help me improve. Please don't post things like "oh you're good, but so-and-so is better", it's not very clear.
 
Hmmm...Your poetry honestly isn't the best I've read. Good, yes, but far from the best. At least you stay away from the angsty anti-poetry of so many of today's younger poets. Honestly, I try to add some structure into them and they call me "cretin."

But I digress. "Nimble Fingers" has a good idea behind it and you've set up a definate rhythm. That's good. In it, I can understand your lack of rhyme scheme, but it would be nice to see a bit of a freestyle rhyme in there. Something loose and casual. It would emphasize the rhythm more, which I feel is the strongest part of the poem.

On "Away for Awhile": A solid essay, I like it. I wish half the people I know could churn out something like that. Your quote integration is rather smooth. What I would change is the bit that goes "Those hopes of mine, that I could get away, where halfhearted. I always knew such a thing was not plausible, but it was nice to dream. Earth is the right place for love." I would change "Earth is the right place for love" to "Earth really is the right place for love." It adds a bit more emphasis to that belief and seems less repititous in your reference to "Birches."
 
I cannot help but smile at your comments, Takai. I'm not much of a poet. Never will be. My heart lies within the bindings and text of literature. As the great Einstein once said, "For the most part, I do the thing which my own nature prompts me to do. It is embarrassing to earn so much respect and love for it." The feelings regarding my poetry is most definitely mutual. I do certainly appreciate the criticism as well as the revisions of "Away For a While". I can see how the former was a bit overly re-stated. I like the addition of "really" better. Thank you. I truly am grateful of your post.
 
Welcome, it's nothing. Normally, I wouldn't (the whole issue with "really," "very," and "extremely being overused), but I feel that repitition is a worse problem. You honestly have a lot of talent (and have inspired me to start writing again). Keep going at it, I think you'll go far.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top