Writer's Ultimate Challenge! (Game for Writers)

[Frostweaver]

The Writer's Lounge isn't only for discussion. Let's use this opportunity to start a new thread to further improve our grammar for writing. Catch all grammar mistakes in the quoted text to put your understanding of the English language to the ultimate test!

Be careful about alternative spelling for different countries. The American spelling for "jail" may be the same for the British's "gaol." Assume that all Pokemon species name, and all Pokemon attacks require capital letters, treated as a proper noun.

"First come, first served." If you got nothing to say because everyone before you had said it all, then that's just too bad. Points are given to the best answers. Do take note that there may be multiple winners in a round because there are numerous ways to fix the same problem.

Write down what is wrong with the quoted text, and provide solutions to the problem. It's almost always true that there are multiple ways to fix the same paragraph, so be sure to write down your explanation to your changes. Let the game begin!


Question #1: Find all mistakes in the following text.

We have been discussing plans with Officer Jenny, who is a police officer in town. After talking for awhile, it was decided. It is going to be Ash, Misty, and me who are going to finish Team Rocket off once and for all. This will be a dramatic battle...

 

[Yamato-san]

We have been discussing plans with Officer Jenny, who is a police officer in town. After talking for awhile, it was decided. It is going to be Ash, Misty, and me who are going to finish Team Rocket off once and for all. This will be a dramatic battle...

We had been discussing plans with the town's police officer, Jenny. After a while, it was decided... me, Ash, and Misty will be the ones to finish off Team Rocket once and for all. This will be one hell of a battle...

I changed "have" to "had" because the past tense just seems to work better for some reason, the sentence flows better if I just put "town's police officer" (a rewording of "a police officer in town") first. "After a while" also just seems better to me than "After talking for awhile", and I placed three dots at the end to indicate a short, dramatic pause. Having "me" before "Ash" and "Misty", again, just flows better, especially after the pause. "Off" before "Team Rocket", just plain sounds better once again. Finally, I took out "dramatic" because..... well, yeah, a big decisive battle could be dramatic..... from the readers' point of view. If used by one of the characters in the story, it just sounds real, real cheesey, and breaking the 4th wall to an extent. It's like they know there's an audience, so they're making it look good on purpose, as opposed to just acting out in a normal, realistic fashion. Because of that, I replaced "dramatic" with "one hell of a...." to eliminate that problem as well as have the same basic emphasis that the battle's going to be big.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna work this out in my usual style: faux transliteration.... better yet, the phrase seems simple enough that I can make this a real transliteration, going back and forth. Gives me a chance to work on some of my Japanese, too ^^.

町の警察官のジュンサさんを計画に話していた。末に、決まったんだ。サトシもカスミも．．．自分も。オレたちは全部ロケット団に倒す。これが．．．最後の戦いだ。

Machi no keisatsukan no Junsa-san wo keikaku ni hanashiteita. Sueni, kimattanda. Satoshi mo Kasumi mo... jibun mo. Ore-tachi wa zenbu Roketto-dan ni taosu. Kore ga... saigo no tatakai da.

We talked the plans over with the town's police officer, Junsa-san. Finally, it was decided. Satoshi, Kasumi... myself. We will defeat the whole of the Rocket Gang. This is... the final battle.

It's somewhat the same as above, only this time, I used "final" to have that same emphasis (since "one hell of a" doesn't translate well to Japanese so far as I know), and used a bit more dramatic pausing. Let it be known, I'm pretty sure Takeshi (Brock) is the speaker here, but I don't know if I quite match his style of speaking in that Japanese phrase, so please understand if you have knowledge of whatever speaking manners Takeshi uses and find that phrase to be a bit off.

 

[Dragonfree]

We have been discussing plans with Officer Jenny, who is a police officer in town. After talking for awhile, it was decided. It is going to be Ash, Misty, and me who are going to finish Team Rocket off once and for all. This will be a dramatic battle...

Okay, "discussing plans" sounds a bit odd if I put myself into 'extreme grammar mode'; maybe change that to "discussing our plan". Saying "Officer Jenny" already tells us she is a police officer, so the last part of that sentence can be scrapped altogether.

Next sentence... either you say "talking awhile" or "talking for a while", if I know correctly, so I'm changing it to "talking for a while". Also, the second part of the sentence is suddenly in past tense so that needs to go back, I'd make it "we have decided" since after all it's not "it" that talked for a while, and just join up the two sentences with "that".

So, the next sentence, which is no longer the next sentence... "going to" is there twice, and I think it sounds better as "it will be Ash, Misty and I who finish" (since "I" should always come last and here it should be "I" rather than "me" to my knowledge).

I don't think there's anything wrong with the last sentence.

So, the final result:

We have been discussing our plan with Officer Jenny. After talking for a while, we have decided that it will be Ash, Misty and I who finish Team Rocket off once and for all. This will be a dramatic battle...

 

[Casual Billy]

People fixed the quote already.

…your understanding of the english language to the…

English

The American spelling for "jail" maybe the

may be

Extra Credit????

 

[Frostweaver]

People fixed the quote already.



English



may be

Extra Credit????

ajdflasjdlsjfds;ljfsa;jds *fixes*

But what's your correction for today's question? =D

I'll post the winner for today later tonight. True that the first to reply gets the advantage because there's more to say, but hey "first come, first serve."

 

[prolific_rhapsody]

Originally posted by frostweaver
We have been discussing our plan with Officer Jenny. After talking for awhile, we have decided that it will be Ash, Misty and me who are going to finish Team Rocket off once and for all. This will be a dramatic battle...

The wrong words are highlighted above. Below is my revised version. I hope I'm not too late. Gotta love my grammar!

We had been discussing our plan with Officer Jenny. After talking for awhile, we had decided that it would be Ash, Misty and I who were going to finish Team Rocket off once and for all. This would be a dramatic battle...

The first mistake is the "have" at the beginning of the first sentence. It should be be "had" to blend with the tenses.

This is very simple. Ash, Misty, and me is improper grammar.
The revised "Ash, Misty and I" is the correct way to do it. That is the second mistake.

Thirdly, the "have" in the second sentence is incorrect. It should be "had," to comply with the rest of the sentence's tenses.

Fourth, the "will" in the third sentence is also one of the incorrect tenses. The right word in this situation would be the word, "would."

And fifth, the "are" around the middle of the second sentence should be changed to "were".

Sixth, the "will" before the "Ash, Misty and me" should be changed to "would."

Did I mention I that unless I'm in school or on PC that I write, CONSTANTLY?

Man, I'm starting to sound like a teacher....

 

[Dragonfree]

This is my revised version. I hope I'm not too late. Gotta love my grammar!



It is very simple. Ash, Misty, and me is improper grammar.
The revised "Ash, Misty and I" is the correct way to do it. That is the only mistake.

Did I mention I that unless I'm in school or on PC that I write, CONSTANTLY?

*pokes* Your revised version is identical to mine, while the original you have is mine with "me" instead of "I"... o-O I'm not making a lot of sense out of that.

 

[prolific_rhapsody]

Sorry, I fixed and edited it, as you can see above.

 

[Frostweaver]

It's time to judge the responses I think?


Yamato-san: Beautiful response with many good corrections that improves the paragraph's diction on top of grammatical errors. The only problem is that "Me, Ash and Misty" is grammatically incorrect. You cannot use "me" as part of the subject. You must use "I," and it always goes at the end of the list. You needed "Ash, Misty and I." Due to this error, sorry!

Dragonfree: Another near-perfect response! The length of the sentence is shortened, and the redundancy problem is reduced once again. A new problem arises though, and that is "who" vs. "whom." Since you took out the verb "to be" (appearing as "are") from the sentence, "whom" should be used instead of "who." Close...

eventidemjj: I think that I'm seeing you for the first time here, so welcome to Pokemon Fanfiction Forum. ^_^; Sad news for our first meeting, because you also got one mistake in your correction. "Talking for awhile" doesn't exist. It's either "talking awhile" or "talking for a while." I can't help you there...


Although no one's answer is completely grammatically perfect, this round will go to Dragonfree, because her mistake is relatively minor in comparison. "Whom" is slowly fading out of the grammar book, making it the least controversial mistakes compare to the rest. In fact, some people will definitely accept Dragonfree's answer as perfectly correct. Dragonfree has the closest answer.

Dragonfree: 1
Eventidemjj: 0
Yamato-san: 0


Next question!



Question #2
Through the addition of punctuation marks and capitalizing letters, rewrite the quoted text so that it is a grammatically correct yet meaningful sentence. Explanations for the answer to this question are not required.

ash began to stutter i i i no that is not not true Pikachu will never do that that isn't it it isn't no way ill believe this hell not listen

 

[Yamato-san]

no explanation, eh? Oh, thank god. I'm not really good at explaining why or how I write what I write, I just sorta do it. I'm pretty surprised you found my response great, even though most of that was me going "it just sounds better".

ash began to stutter i i i no that is not not true Pikachu will never do that that isn't it it isn't no way ill believe this hell not listen

Can I adjust this to my usual script style?

Satoshi: [Gulps and slowly backs away.] "I... I..." [Looks downward. After a moment, he clenches his eyes shut, and the fist held down at his side quivers. Lifts head up, opens eyes, steps forward, and shouts.] "No!!! You're wrong, it's not true!" [Holds up quivering fist and looks down at it.] "Pikachu.... would never do such a thing...." [Clenches eyes shut again, shakes head.] "It's a lie..." [Swings fist back to side before shouting again.] "I won't listen to you!"

I wonder if I should show off my transliterating on future questions. It would spice up the place just a bit, as well as give people a good idea of just how I work.

 

[Dragonfree]

Ash began to stutter, "I - I - I know that is not - not true... Pikachu would never do that... That isn't it... It isn't... There's no way I'll believe this... I won't listen..."

 

[Light_Azumarill]

Meh, I may not be the best, but I'll have a go at it. ^-^

Ash began to stumble over his own words, "I- I- I- no! That is n- not true. Pikachu would never do something like that! That isn't it; it can't be! There is no way I'll believe what you're saying! I won't listen to you!"

I'll give an explanation for some of it too. Just because I feel like it. ^^ First off, I changed 'stutter' to 'stumble' simply because stumbling seems more like falling that sounds more like something you would do when emotions are high; rather than just not being able to get the words out. Ash=emotional, not Ash=too frightened to say something. I added things like quotation marks and stuff. I cut down the first "not" to just "n-", because I always thought it looked weird to write that way. Just my opinion. I added "would never do something like that", because I just felt it made the sentence look fuller than the short "would never do that". I combined the next two sentences into one, again because of shortness and changed the second "isn't" into "can't be" for a nicer variety of words. The last two sentences I changed to reflect a more personal accusatory tone. I think this is something that people just do automatically in an argument. There are usually many "you did ___" and "you're wrong" statements in arguments; so that's why I changed that.

O_O Okay, so my explanation was long. I guess I'm feeling author-ish today.

 

[Charon]

Ash began to stutter. "I... I... I... No, that's n-not true...! Pikachu would never do that! That isn't true, it isn't! Godammit, I don't believe you! I won't listen!"

Uh...not much really to say. Addded commas, hyphons and dot-dot-dots to make it flow. Also fixed some of the bits that annoyed me, including abreviating 'that is' which sounds too formal for Ash. I also added capital letters and whatnot... and changed the end bit.

 

[Breezy]

*shrugs*

Ash began to stutter, "I-I-I . . . No! That is n-not true! Pikachu would never do that! That isn't it . . . it isn't . . . . No way I'll believe this. He'll not listen!"

On another note, what's the actual correct answer to the first question? Or did Dragonfree nail that one on the head?

 

[prolific_rhapsody]

ash began to stutter i i i no that is not not true Pikachu will never do that that isn't it it isn't no way ill believe this hell not listen

Okay, I might not have been perfect the first time around, but I'll try again, I suppose.

Here goes:

Ash began to quiver with the fear and uncertainess that caused him to stutter in his response. "I, I.... NO! What YOU are trying to say to me is absolutely not..." Ash began to lose control of his emotions and burst out into a tear filled rage. "...NOT TRUE! It isn't!!! Pikachu wouldn't EVER do something that AWFUL!!! That... it... i-... There is NO WAY on this earth that I will EVER believe THIS! Leave! Now! I will NEVER listen to YOU AGAIN!" Ash sunk down onto the floor and drowned his sorrow in tears. He wished this had never happened...

So, there it is! I enjoy this game, it was a good idea, frostweaver!

P.S. I just had my name changed from link722 to eventidemjj, although I'm beginning to think I should have kept link722. But, alas, I'm stuck with this name for another six months. Oh, well. I also have another name that I rarely use. It is liquidfury. Well, off to another forum! I'll be checking back periodically for your response.

 

[Frostweaver]

Reminder to *EVERYONE*

-the question DID NOT say that you can add additional words... the sentence will be completely grammatically correct through the addition of punctuations and capital letters (and nothing more.) As for how fitting it is for Ash to say it, don't worry about that as Ash said "that is" plenty of times in the show.

There's still... 4 hours left in the day to fix your answers ^_^ I already have a winner in mind, but let's see if we'll get multiple winners!

 

[Dragonfree]

Oh, wait, I get it!

Ash began to stutter, "I-I-I... No, that is not-not true! Pikachu will never do that! That isn't it... It isn't... No way... I'll... Believe this, he'll not listen..."

I'm imagining a situation where Team Rocket tells Ash of their plan to tell Pikachu that Ash is dead so Pikachu will commit suicide or something...

 

[prolific_rhapsody]

Okay, then. An additional entry:

The example:
ash began to stutter i i i no that is not not true Pikachu will never do that that isn't it it isn't no way ill believe this hell not listen

The fixed version:
Ash began to stutter. "I, I, I... No, that is not... Not true! Pikachu will never do that. That isn't... it... it isn't... no way I'll believe this! He'll not listen!"

*crosses finger and hopes that it is right*

 

[Yamato-san]

Reminder to *EVERYONE*

-the question DID NOT say that you can add additional words... the sentence will be completely grammatically correct through the addition of punctuations and capital letters (and nothing more.) As for how fitting it is for Ash to say it, don't worry about that as Ash said "that is" plenty of times in the show.

There's still... 4 hours left in the day to fix your answers ^_^ I already have a winner in mind, but let's see if we'll get multiple winners!

How can you expect this of everyone? Seriously, "that isn't it it isn't no way ill believe this hell not listen" almost makes Satoshi sound like that doorman on The Wizard of Oz, and you're saying we can't add new words or majorly rework that part?

 

[Frostweaver]

First, to answer Breezy's question, Yamato-san and Dragonfree's answers are both ideal if they fixed their respective mistakes. There is no definite answer since there are endless possibilities in terms of improving that little paragraph.



It's a much easier version of the infamous grammar question:

that that is is that that is not is not

Would you prefer doing the same thing with that "sentence" instead? ^_^
That's why this is a game where you will feel completely stumped once in a while. What's the point of a game if you can ace every question with ease?


Anyway, the real answers are: (yes, there are 2 possibilities!)

Ash began to stutter. "I... I... I... No, that is not... Not true! Pikachu will never do that! That isn't it! it isn't! No way I'll believe this!" He'll not listen.

(Note: The ellipsis can be exchanged for dashes in the beginning. It is not necessary to use a capital letter pafter the ellipsis, because this rule differs from country to country. The ellipsis after "not" can be a comma, but the ellipsis are better for the purpose of tone. Exclaimation marks are interchangable with periods in terms of validity for grammar, but exclimation marks are better than periods in terms of meaning. Ellipsis can also be inserted almost anywhere between the word "never" and "this" instead of the comma, period or the exclamation mark.)

You will realize that the phrase 'He'll not listen' is not part of Ash's dialogue in the answer. Though it is valid for Ash to say such a thing, but the tone of "He'll not listen" clashes with the previous stuttering (along with his state of disbelief at the unknown event.) If 'He'll not listen' is outside of Ash's dialogue, then it is more meaningful, although it is grammatically correct.

Now, a couple of answers are omitted because they added additional words, making the problem a lot easier than it was intended to be.

Breezy: your answer would have been accepted for 1 point if it isn't for "...." Ellipsis are either 3 dots, or 6 dots depending on what country you live in, however, I strongly doubt that 4 dots are also used for the ellipsis. I checked encarta and they don't show .... as a valid way to write the ellipsis either. So, sorry!

Dragonfree: It's just so... close. Your answer is grammatically correct, just like the answer for the winner of this round. Sadly, this question also deals with meaning. A choice of using the comma after "believe this" weakens the sentence, because the comma supports the normal tone of voice in that situation. In comparison to the chosen answer's choice of the exclaimation mark, his answer is slightly better in meaning. Yes, Frosty is picky to the extreme. You may egg bomb his house as a form of retaliation.


Eventidemjj has best answer for this round!


Breezy: 0
Charon-chan: 0
Dragonfree: 1
Eventidemjj: 1
Light Azumarill: 0
Yamato-san: 0



Question #3: Find and list as many figures of speech or stylistic devices as you can in the quoted text! Be sure to tell me what the figures of speech or stylistic devices are! Bonus point for the one whom find all of them here!
(Hint: ... ... ... ... ...)

Grunt A: "Ewww!"

Grunt B: "I know, it's pretty ugly."

Grunt A: "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh... what do we do now?"

Grunt B: "Good grief! Clean up the mess before the Boss finds out!"

Grunt A: "But what if the Boss comes in right now and finds out that we've lost the key to the safe? Then I'll be kicked out of Team Rocket! Or worst... oh the Boss will kill me a thousand times for that!"

Grunt B: "As quick as a crafty Ninjask! We must find the key!"

Grunt B: "Hey! I thought I told you to find it immediately! Gosh, you Slowbro!"

Grunt A: "I can't see anything! It's too dark!"

Grunt B: "Try to light the fire then!"

Grunt A: "But what if... the Boss... ?"

Grunt B: "(Darn it you're paranoid) Just hurry it up!"

Grunt A: "Ok, ok... The Boss!"

Grunt B: "What are you- Boss!"

Rocket Boss: "So, what should I do to those who lost the key to the safe?"