You Knew This Would Happen! [15+]

[Opalescent]

If you're under 15, you won't be able to read this, I'm sorry. I'm not going to be responsible for silly 11 year olds ignoring the warnings and being freaked out.

Have you ever played a Nuzlocke challange? Its a hardcore version of Pokemon, with self imposed rules which state that the players pokemon "die" instead of fainting, and must be released. Normally, players will make an earnest effort to remember their fallen Pokemon. But, sooner or later, these Pokemon, who died in such unfair circumstances, will be forgotten. The player will move on. They'll forget these poor creatures.

Eventually, they aren't to accept that anymore... one day, they will make sure you always remember the sacrifice they made.

[AGELIMIT]15+
I take no responsibility for anyone under this age limit reading this story.
By continuing to read this work you confirm you are over 15 years of age.[/AGELIMIT]

Contains Swearing
Scary/Unpleasant Themes

You knew this would happen...

Spoiler:

So, I had heard about this thing called Nuzlocke challenges. A
hardcore way to play Pokemon, where your pokemon "die" if they
faint. I figured I'd give it a go, but since I didn't want to lose
all my dear Pokemon on my sapphire save, I went on ebay and
grabbed a copy for about £8 (bargain!). When it arrived, I did a
quick playthrough to the first few gyms on a normal game to make
sure it wasn't some ****** hack or fake, and, when I was finally
satisfied it wasn't, I reset the game. Taking care to choose the
same first pokemon as before (with the same name), I set off on my
first nuzlocke adventure. Everything went fine, I had got myself a
zizagoon and a ralts (some luck!) grinded like hell. I wasn't
about to lose anyone!

Everything was going fine, and I grinded for about 2 hours, until
I reached the first gym. Feeling overconfident in my all LV 18
team, I took on Roxanne, wiping the floor with the gym trainers.
When I got to her, the game froze, for just a moment. "Stupid used
cartridge!" I growled, calming down when the game started on as
normal, and the battle with Roxanne began. Her geodude went down
in three hits, and I was feeling damn confident, so I left Grovyle to
spam Absorb so it could drain its life away. All the Nosepass would
do is use Harden. After 6 turns of this, it used Curse! "No
****ing way!" I gasped. "It can't even learn that move!", I
muttered, as the Nosepass upped its attack and defense. I hit the
A button, draining a little more health, when it used Tackle and
did an impossible one hit KO on Grovyle, who was 3 levels stronger
and on full health! "NO!" I cried. Grovyle seemed to scream as it
was killed, its cry a high pitched whine, and, thoroughly freaked
out, I reset the game, figuring I could just put him in the PC and
forget about him, and that it wasn't really cheating, as long I
didn't use him, right?

So I turned the game back on, hit continue, and went from my saved
position in front of Roxanne to the PC, planning to box Grovyle
and spare myself having to have him "die". However, when I went to
deposit him, I was stunned to see he had been renamed from Snake
to "CORPSE". I checked his stats, and his sprite was a pale
green/grey, and his eyes were closed, like a dead body. I'd done
some rom-hacking in my time, and I knew that no such sprites
existed on the game. I deposited him in a box I hastily renamed
"Graves", and saved. Turning off the DS, I pulled the cart out,
grabbing my other Sapphire game, the one I knew was real, and
compared them. A little less used than my original, but otherwise, exactly the same
as the game I knew was official. What was going on? Heartbroken by
Snakes death, I stopped playing for a while and drew, deciding to
play tomorrow.

When I woke up in the next morning, I had convinced myself that it
was it was in all in my head - I was a 17 year old artist with a
hyper-active imagination. It was more likely just something I had
imagined. Grabbing breakfast, I sat down and flicked on the DS,
selected "Start GBA Game" and proceeded to get back to business. I
checked the box, and to my dismay CORPSE was still there. Slightly
freaked out, I checked his stats. The sprite looked like it had
decayed overnight, and his left eye hung out of its socket. Too
stubborn for my own good, I convinced myself that this was normal,
and went on to beat Roxanne. After defeating her Nosepass, a text
box appeared. CORPSE HAS BEEN AVENGED! it said. The scene went
back to the gym, and Roxanne spoke. "... I'm sorry for what I've
done. I hope you can forgive me...I got what I deserved". With
that, I got the badge and the TM. Trying to talk to her again only
gave me a text box saying "....".

Confused, I left, except I got no cutscene of the Devon CO worker
being robbed. What I got was Mr.Briney standing with his beloved
Peeko, who was.. dead...in a small pool of blood.
"My Peeko...gone..that man killed him!"
With that, the screen flashed black once and Mr Briney and Peeko
were gone. "That... That is Certainly NOT what happens" I
stuttered, a little stunned at how this was turning out. It was a
far cry from the game I knew and loved. Convinced now that this
was a very well done hack, I figure it wouldn't hurt to see it
through. Taking a look through Rustburo City, I noticed that there
was considerably less NPC's. Just one or two, plus, the mart
assistant seemed to appear more bedraggled, as did the PC nurse. I
continued regardless, Mr Briney silently taking me onwards. The
game was mostly normal from here on out - I played onwards, not
losing anymore teamates until I reached the third Gym, when my
Wingull died to a thundershock. I still managed to pull out a
victory, and rather than quitting, I pressed on, intrigued to see
what happened.

The message telling me CORPSE had been avenged appeared, and Wattson seemed appalled.

"Oh... Oh Arceus.. child, I'm so sorry... what have I done?" With
that, he ran off, leaving the badge and tm. I picked them up, and
checked my party. Maria the Wingull was now CORPSE, the same as
Snake. I felt horrible... what possesed me to use her? I went to
the PC, noticing that as I deposited Maria, I saw that Snake was
now skeletal, and was holding an item. I took "REMAINS" from him,
and put him and Maria Side by side, sighing, deeply saddened.
Healing the rest of my team, which now consisted of a Aaron,
Ralts, Beautifly and Linoone. I saved, and went and took a short
break.

Coming back, I saw that REMAINS was being held by the head of my
party. Any of my attempts to remove it failed, and the ds let out
a high pitched screech! I shivered, leaving it there and decided
to go on regardless. The fourth gym was normal, but I noticed that
unlike Mauville and Rustburo the towns where all fine.

When I reached the fifth gym, I was a little nervous. I'd had a
hard time grinding - it was as if wild pokemon were avoiding me,
and I could have sworn that there were fewer trainers than normal.
I decided to bite the bullet and take on my "father". I was
instantly suspiscious when I realised that every room was empty.
Every. Single. One. When I got to the leader, he said one thing to
me.
"My dear child... you carry the scent of death... let us end this
here and now!"
The battle was silent. Norman started off by sending out a Slaking
straight away. It was level 40. I was doomed. I sent out Ironheart
the Aaron, who fought hard with two headbutts and an iron tail,
but was ultimately crushed by a focus punch.. if only his attacked
hadn't missed! I sent out Kali the Gardevoir, who got stomped by a
single attack. My other two pokemon went the same way.. I started
to cry. I had lost everything... and it felt like four innocent
creatures had actually died...
Then, a single text box appeared.

"Ironheart ate the REMAINS. Ironheart is ready to fight!"
GO, Ironheart!

I was stunned. The thing that came out was not my Ironheart. The
Aaron was rotten, and had bleeding eyes. "MASTER... DO NOT FAIL
US..." it said, before it let out a distorted cry, like a Aaron
gurgling blood. He only had one move - Revenge.
I hit A and watched, transfixed by what was happening.
Ironheart used revenge, and the Slaking was taken down in a single
hit, letting out a scream. The other pokemon followed. As the battle
ended, my father stood there stunned. A text box appeared after a
few moments silence, and that strange cry sounded again.
Ironheart broke free of his ball!
Ironeart used REVENGE on Norman!
A strangled cry...
The screen went black, and the run away sound could be heard.
The screen remained dark for some time, and I thought it had
crashed, until a sound rang out, making me jump. The sound was of
the distorted cries of all my fallen teamates, warbled together.
It was so pitiful that I wept. The sheer sound of it was
heartwrenching...

"YOU... YOU KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!"
"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US?!"
"GRACE...WE LOVED YOU!"
"WE TRUSTED YOU..."
"YOU BETRAYED US!!"
With that last line, the pitiful cry, played again, this time
though, it sounded angry...hateful even.
Without warning, I was on Mt.Pyre. In front of me, were seven
graves. I had lost control of my character, as my character moved
without my input to the grave furthest to the left. The game asked
me a question.

"Are you sorry, Grace?"
"Yes!" I cried, before realising it was just a game, and hitting
A.
"Then ... why... WHY DID YOU KILL US?"
It screamed again, and I cried harder.
"I'm sorry... I'M SORRY!"
"Too... late... TOO LATE TO SAVE US!!"
The screen went black with a sickening wail...
I waited... and then...
My blood went cold.


"WE WILL GET REVENGE GRACE...
FOR....

YOU KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!"

Like it? Hate it? If you read it, leave a comment, please. I need to improve.

 

[Azurne]

Hello~

First off, there's really no need for spoiler tags around your story. If someone hasn't backed out of your story after reading your disclaimer and rating, then it's not your fault. It's just looks nasty is my opinion to have to expand the whole thing. Also, you may want to go back and edit your story so it's not been squished all to the left side. Just completely remove the formatting. :)

Secondly, your opening is a little drab.

So, I had heard about this thing called Nuzlocke challenges. A
hardcore way to play Pokemon, where your pokemon "die" if they
faint.

Okay. Who is "I"? Throughout your whole story, the narrator keeps referring to him/herself yet we have no idea who they really are. It's not until the very end that we see her name is Grace. It's not that big of a deal, really, it's just that the readers can't form any sort of attachment to her. As for Grace herself, she doens't have much of a personality, so again the readers can't form an attachment. When her pokémon die, the readers will more than likely just shrug and move on. We don't know who she really is, we don't care for her at all. Why should we? If you want to make more of an impact in the tragedy of the pokémon dying, you'll need to make her much more likable/relatable.

Also, you could do well with a little more description. Are pokémon dying the only thing different about this Nuzlocke challenge? Why is is called 'Nuzlocke' in the first place? You as the writer probably know the answers to these questions, but the readers might not. Two lines of explaining what this is... just doesn't quite make for a good description.

Her geodude went down
in three hits, and I was feeling damn confident, so I left Grovyle to
spam Absorb so it could drain its life away. All the Nosepass would
do is use Harden. After 6 turns of this, it used Curse! "No
****ing way!" I gasped. "It can't even learn that move!"

You've also got the classic 'telling, not showing' problem throughout your entire one-shot. In this particular section, you're telling your reader Roxanne's geodude went down in three hits, rather than showing it. You're telling us that after six turns, her nosepass used curse and that it's an illegal move. While telling can be useful in certain cases, this is an important moment in your one-shot where your narrator starts to pick up on the fact something is very wrong with this game. A good portion of detail should therefore be dedicated to this section rather than breezing through it.

I deposited him in a box I hastily renamed
"Graves", and saved.

Nitpicking here, but this is the first pokémon of the narrator's that has died, right? I'm quite sure I also read earlier that the narrator was confident in themselves and that they weren't going to let any pokémon 'die'. So when their first pokémon does die, why suddenly name an entire box 'graves'? It implies that suddenly they had a change of heart and realized that many, many more could die following Snake. While it's an interesting thought and one I think you could certainly take advantage of, you don't seem to touch on the subject at all and just say the narrator took a break for a while.

Another thing I'd noticed is the slight inconsistency of the dialogue and reactions of the pokémon. In this hack, pokémon die instead of faint. So when you battle against the gym leaders, like Norman, his first line is "My dear child... you carry the scent of death... let us end this here and now!"

This implies that Norman knows how your pokémon died (battling), but he's still going to fight you. Not very fatherly, is it?

As for the pokémon, 'we loved you,' 'how could you do this to us,' seems like the worst attempt at guilt-tripping I've ever seen. (>.>) If these pokémon were truly aware of what had happened, they'd know that it really wasn't Grace's fault, and her feeling sorry for them is really baseless. She'd feel sad that they died, but not sad because she let them die. It sounded like it was mostly bad luck on her part.

Overall it wasn't a bad fiction at all, it has potential if you really expand it. You've just got a few holes to patch up~.

 

[Opalescent]

Haha, thanks for the crit.

I'm going to go over the different points in order, makes it easier.

Hello~

Secondly, your opening is a little drab.


Okay. Who is "I"? Throughout your whole story, the narrator keeps referring to him/herself yet we have no idea who they really are. It's not until the very end that we see her name is Grace. It's not that big of a deal, really, it's just that the readers can't form any sort of attachment to her. As for Grace herself, she doens't have much of a personality, so again the readers can't form an attachment. When her pokémon die, the readers will more than likely just shrug and move on. We don't know who she really is, we don't care for her at all. Why should we? If you want to make more of an impact in the tragedy of the pokémon dying, you'll need to make her much more likable/relatable.

The point of a creepy pasta is for the story to seem like its an urban legend. Who it is doesn't matter, what matters is that the reader can easily paste themselves over her, and put themselves in the story. That is part of the reason that this is getting good feedback on DA (this story is on the nuzlocke forums, deviantart and I think a creepypasta site), is that people have been saying that they put themselves in her place. They have all tried a nuzlocke challenge, they have felt that, and so they know how it feels. I never actually expected a response here, so I just left it in case anyone liked it.

Also, you could do well with a little more description. Are pokémon dying the only thing different about this Nuzlocke challenge? Why is is called 'Nuzlocke' in the first place? You as the writer probably know the answers to these questions, but the readers might not. Two lines of explaining what this is... just doesn't quite make for a good description.

I've already explained that this is mainly on Nuzlocke related sites for the most part so I felt no need to further explainanation, but I may do a different version for here.

You've also got the classic 'telling, not showing' problem throughout your entire one-shot. In this particular section, you're telling your reader Roxanne's geodude went down in three hits, rather than showing it. You're telling us that after six turns, her nosepass used curse and that it's an illegal move. While telling can be useful in certain cases, this is an important moment in your one-shot where your narrator starts to pick up on the fact something is very wrong with this game. A good portion of detail should therefore be dedicated to this section rather than breezing through it.

https://fyeahpokemoncreepypasta.tumblr.com/
You can see more examples of the style I was going for here. I kind of assumed the reader had a knowledge of pokemon games (I didn't write this for the anime fans). I was trying to show that the battle was a complete washout - it didnt matter what moves they were, the geodude was helpless and taken down swiftly.

Nitpicking here, but this is the first pokémon of the narrator's that has died, right? I'm quite sure I also read earlier that the narrator was confident in themselves and that they weren't going to let any pokémon 'die'. So when their first pokémon does die, why suddenly name an entire box 'graves'? It implies that suddenly they had a change of heart and realized that many, many more could die following Snake. While it's an interesting thought and one I think you could certainly take advantage of, you don't seem to touch on the subject at all and just say the narrator took a break for a while.
Another thing I'd noticed is the slight inconsistency of the dialogue and reactions of the pokémon. In this hack, pokémon die instead of faint. So when you battle against the gym leaders, like Norman, his first line is "My dear child... you carry the scent of death... let us end this here and now!"

This implies that Norman knows how your pokémon died (battling), but he's still going to fight you. Not very fatherly, is it?

The idea was is that readers would pick up on how Grace had been cursed by Nosepass ie. people and pokemon avoided her, as well as - he only knows something is wrong with her, not that her pokemon are dead. The other thing is that pokemon hacks of this nature are unpleasant because the in game characters don't much care for the player. He doesn't care for her - only that he wins.

As for the pokémon, 'we loved you,' 'how could you do this to us,' seems like the worst attempt at guilt-tripping I've ever seen. (>.>) If these pokémon were truly aware of what had happened, they'd know that it really wasn't Grace's fault, and her feeling sorry for them is really baseless. She'd feel sad that they died, but not sad because she let them die. It sounded like it was mostly bad luck on her part.[

Yeah, I admit that part is ... kinda rubbish when you put it like that... but my entire story seems like a heap of crap now so...
And, it WAS her fault. She knew they might die, but played regardless - she was sending them to her death rather than stop playing. Thats what I was going for.

Overall, yeah, I guess my story does suck quite a bit. I'm probably going to rewrite it now...