Zombie Movie

[TheWindMage]

Hello there everyone. I know this is my first post, so I thoght I'd start off by posting the first two scenes of the zombie movie I'm working. I know I probably don't have the budget to do it, but no harm in writing it, right? Anway, constructive criticism is appreciated and don't worry, you won't hurt my feelings. You can vote in the poll as well, if you like. So, here it is.

Movie Rating: R

Untitled (Zombie Movie)
By Austin​

THE ENTRANCE
It appears to be late evening. Headlights are seen in the
distance, and they slowly close in. The car passes and goes
further up the road. Car turns into driveway and stops at a
garage door. Garage door opens and car enters, door closing
after. Inside house, man gets out of car and starts walking
upstairs.​

MAN
Hey honey, I'm home from work. Did
you get dinner ready?​

A woman is heard, likely from upstairs.​

WOMAN
Yeah, I just finished. Come on
upstairs.​

Man walks upstairs and looks around living room. Then goes
down hallway into kitchen.​

MAN
Oh, thank goodness. Today at work
was terrible. If only Phil hadn't
called in today.​

While speaking, man walks over to table and sits down.​

WOMAN
Oh, what happened dear? Is it Mr.
William again?​

MAN
Yes, he never stops accusing me of
things.​

WOMAN
What was it this time?​

MAN
I don't really wanna talk about it.
Let's just eat dinner and go watch
that movie we rented last night.​

WOMAN
Okay, I understand.​

Man and woman begin eating, and screen, backing away, slowly
fades out.​

~​

2.
THE APPEARANCE
Screen is black. After a few moments you hear a doorbell
ring as the screen suddenly flicks on. It's early morning.
The couple is laying in bed together, the television screen
on what might appear to be a DVD main screen. Doorbell is
heard twice more, consecutively and a moment later two more
times followed by one more ring. Woman rolls over and begins
to shake man.​

WOMAN
Honey, wake up, someone's at the
door.​

Man sits up as doorbell rings once more. Then, yelling, he
says:​

MAN
Alright, I'm coming, hold your
horses!​

He grabs a bathrobe from a hook on the door and wraps it
around himself while proceeding to the door, while it rings
twice more. He flings open the door while yelling.​

MAN
What the hell do you-!​

He stops and stares as a grotesque, gurgling creature is
standing in the doorway. Its clothes are tattered and torn
with several bones sticking out of its chest and several
other places on its body. It leaps forward and grabs the
man, pushing him to the ground.​

WOMAN
John, what's going on out there?​

As they struggle on the ground, the woman walks in and
screams. The man rolls over onto the creature. He punches it
in the head several times, until it stops moving.​

WOMAN
What the hell is that thing?​

MAN
I don't know, but we need to call
somebody.​

The man pushes the creature out of the door and then closes
it. He picks up the phone and tries to dial 911, but all
lines are busy.
(CONTINUED)​

CONTINUED:
3.
MAN
Damn it! All the police lines are
busy!​

The man then proceeds to call his mother, uncle, and
brother. All lines are disconnected. He walks up to the
television and clicks it on​

WOMAN
What are you doing?​

MAN
Checking the news, something's going
on here.​

As the television flicks on the man begins to flip through
the programs. All channels are out, showing the same
message.​

THIS CHANNEL IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE DUE TO AN UNKNOWN
ERROR.​

MAN
Come on. Let's get out of here. We
need to get in touch with somebody.​

The man grabs his keys from his bedside table and walks
downstairs into the garage. He fumbles with his keys for a
moment and then looks off screen, towards the garage door.
His jaw drops as he continues to stare at the garage door.
The screen slowly backs up until it passes the garage door
and then backs up outside the house. Outside large groups of
zombies are scattered along the roads, at least twenty in
the driveway. Screams can be heard in the distance and​

another house is on fire. The screen fades out.

 

[JX Valentine]

Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry. I'm just a little bit distracted by the fact that SOMEONE FINALLY GETS HOW A SCRIPT SHOULD BE WRITTEN. Yes, all caps. Not particularly professional, but I'm sure you know how fic authors like to think script fics aren't meant to be in any way descriptive. You actually understand how a script is formatted. You have directions that give the people looking over your script a decently clear vision of how things should be done. If I gave this to a director, that director would know what kinds of shots to use, how the actors should be positioned, what props to use – everything. You get it. And I thank you for it because we've recently had a bunch of people not get it, which is always a bit frustrating.

Now, there's a few oddities here and there. They're mostly typos that you can pretty much iron out without too much trouble. For example, you have this:

Yeah, I just finished. Come on
upstairs

It's just missing a period at the end, but like I said, no big deal. Clearly, the majority of your grammar is all right, so you probably would have gotten that fixed up with a bit more of a careful sweep.

Likewise, for that matter, with things like this:

somethings going
on here.

The first word is actually a contraction for "something is." Remember that contractions usually get apostrophes to indicate where a word is shortened.

And probably some other things that you might have been able to cover with a bit more of a careful eye. I'd suggest just doing another proofreading run-through to get in there and root those kinds of things out.

There's also harder things that you might not have gotten, like this:

Come on, let's get out of here.

Technically speaking, this is actually a comma splice. "Come on" is its own complete thought, as is "Let's get out of here." So, you'll want to replace the comma with a harder bit of punctuation to indicate the end of a sentence.

As for the story itself, it's definitely workable. For some reason, I think this beginning might be better for a stage play than a movie because it jumps right into the plot without developing characters first or dropping hints that something big is about to happen (which is something you usually see more with the stage than you do with films that try to submerge a viewer for a bit longer than five minutes before breaking out the plot). However, even as the beginning to a movie, you grab a viewer's attention pretty quickly without too much fluff.

I mean, it's an interesting beginning. You have a pretty ordinary couple who probably were intensely boring and average before the entire zombie apocalypse, and then, out of nowhere (quite literally, which isn't a bad thing), a zombie is at the door. I'm not sure if you intended on it, though, but I actually thought the idea of having the zombie ring the doorbell incessantly was actually rather humorous. It reminded me of the politeness of the zombie in the song "Re: Your Brains" or the nearly human take on them in Shaun of the Dead. If that was your intention (especially considering how ordinary the couple are), then definitely keep it up because who doesn't like a zombie film that knows how to plant its tongue in its cheek? If that wasn't, then, well, the characters are good, and the ending of this portion was pretty well-executed. (I mean, I can imagine that last shot, and it seems pretty cool.)

Good luck with this movie. It will actually probably be good to make it as a low-budget film. I mean, Night of the Living Dead was low-budget, and it turned out pretty awesome, right? So, I wouldn't worry too much about it so long as you've got a good cast to do it.

 

[TheWindMage]

Thank you very much for your post JX Valentine. This is actually the first time I've tried writing a script, so I'm glad to see that I'm actually doing it right.

As for the typos, it was just pretty late. Thank you for pointing them out, though. I'll get them fixed up right away.

About the script, you actually hit the nail on the head. I was trying to go for a slighly comical feel to it, right to the point where the zombie leaps onto the man. (or John, if you prefer, as his wife stated in the script) As for the last part, I wasn't sure if it actually seemed as cool as I thought it was, so good to see someone sees it the way I wanted them to.

And, lastly, yes. I'm quite low budget. $8.00 an hour, to be exact. But, I might be able to do it. Maybe if I can collaborate my plethora of "friends" on Facebook together. Not saying they'd make a great cast, but at least I'd have a hoard of zombies.