• Our software update is now concluded. You will need to reset your password to log in. In order to do this, you will have to click "Log in" in the top right corner and then "Forgot your password?".
  • Welcome to PokéCommunity! Register now and join one of the best fan communities on the 'net to talk Pokémon and more! We are not affiliated with The Pokémon Company or Nintendo.
    Register

Lights

Zebra Thunderhead

the avenger
3,159
Posts
16
Years
    • A prose poem I wrote for Creative Writing, which will go in my poetry portfolio.

    They stood atop the cliff, the crimson and cobalt lights behind them reveal the secrets of the meadow grass. The lights wash her out. Shades, hues of the night. Her eyelids drooped, her eyes glazed over. Arms crossed. He asked if she was cold. No answer. He slid his arm around her shoulder and pulled her into him. She nudged it off. She was cold, in her midnight dress. Her wheat hair softly rustled like the burnt leaves that lived in the distance. She could feel the dense smoke dancing around her, and up into her nose. She could hear the last bursts of the extinguishers. She would not look. She could feel the somber aura of the highway and the meadow, the fast paced and the gentle crashing together in a blur of lights and sounds. The grass crunched behind them. A cold voice asked, "Would you like to see your son?"

    It's probably one of my better writing pieces. Comments?
     

    Glitter Stain

    Banned
    832
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Seen Jan 3, 2011
    It seems more like an excerpt from a book than a poem. I mean, it's not poorly written, it's just not in the best format. I know there's such a thing as a Free Verse Poem, but this is one single concept concentrated in a small, confined paragraph with no pauses beyond punctuation.

    Also, a lot of your sentences are short, and they're following and being followed by other short sentences. That would be fine if there weren't long sentences in there, too. It divides the poem into illogical segments that make it difficult to read. It sounds almost like someone continually turning a radio on and off at varying intervals.

    Over all, nice concept, good use of elemental language, but I'm not loving the structure and organization here. (And the font is a bit hard to read).
     
    Careful With That Axe Pichu!

    Careful With That Axe Pichu!

    4,001
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • It seems more like an excerpt from a book than a poem. I mean, it's not poorly written, it's just not in the best format. I know there's such a thing as a Free Verse Poem, but this is one single concept concentrated in a small, confined paragraph with no pauses beyond punctuation.
    Click to expand...
    Mobile Tsk, have you ever even heard about prose poetry? edit haha, beaten.

    Structure does not matter at all here. Everything is near perfect. What you are to criticize in a prose poem is the metaphoric facade of it and imagery.

    I'll edit this post with a proper review later, gotta go. Sorry CME, this poem is too good to recieve just a few words.
     

    Glitter Stain

    Banned
    832
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Seen Jan 3, 2011
    Color Me Evil said:
    Do you even know what a prose poem is?
    Click to expand...
    Sorry, didn't know there was a type of poetry written in an aesthetically displeasing structure. But, I hope you know, there is such a thing as too much of a "good" thing. I don't know what your emotional drive was for this poem, but I'm not picking it up at all.
     
    Careful With That Axe Pichu!

    Careful With That Axe Pichu!

    4,001
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • Mobile Tsk said:
    Sorry, didn't know there was a type of poetry written in an aesthetically displeasing structure. But, I hope you know, there is such a thing as too much of a "good" thing. I don't know what your emotional drive was for this poem, but I'm not picking it up at all.
    Click to expand...

    I don't find it displeasing at all. I guess it's just a matter of perspective... or pride?

    Anyway, CME,

    They stood atop the cliff, the crimson and cobalt lights behind them reveal the secrets of the meadow grass. The lights wash her out.
    Click to expand...
    Very pretty introducion. I can picture the warm light, wherever it is from, caressing the grass, I can already guess it's night time. This leaves a very well drawn picture already, and it's just a few words. Also, I've always personally loved the use of the word "wash" or the likes when referring to light-struck objects. Liquid light, you know. Bath us with sunlight and all that jazz. XD

    Shades, hues of the night. Her eyelids drooped, her eyes glazed over. Arms crossed. He asked if she was cold. No answer. He slid his arm around her shoulder and pulled her into him. She nudged it off.
    Click to expand...
    I love the word choice here. The verb "drooped" in contrast to the way more used "dropped" makes the scheme lighter regardless of their similar meanings. Just watch it with the sentence in bold. In every sentence you've got to do your best to make it work without it depending on previous statements. Read it alone, and it does not work too well. A simple modifier such as "her" could work there, though you may stretch it more, add a verb, for instance "Her arms were crossed." Same goes for the other bolded sentence. Just my personal opinion on that matter.


    She was cold, in her midnight dress. Her wheat hair softly rustled like the burnt leaves that lived in the distance. She could feel the dense smoke dancing around her, and up into her nose. She could hear the last bursts of the extinguishers.
    Click to expand...
    Whoops with that first comma, I don't think a pause is working better there. I'm loving the second sentence though. Excellent choice of modifiers, and plenty without exaggeration. The dancing smoke sounds great too. I know we must be dealing with a fire of sorts, judging from the last sentence. Narrative is great at this point.
    She would not look. She could feel the somber aura of the highway and the meadow, the fast paced and the gentle crashing together in a blur of lights and sounds.
    Click to expand...
    Somber aura of the highway and the meadow... Well, not really sure what to picture right there. It's probably the word you chose, "aura". Still it works very well if what you wanted was to blend the perception of light along with sound. The last words are cool aswell because it describes what it's heard very nicely.
    The grass crunched behind them. A cold voice asked, "Would you like to see your son?"
    Click to expand...
    Uh oh. Awesome way to end this, I say someone's coming, presumably a firefighter, but the last words intrigue me. Also I still don't know what the heck happened. XD But that doesn't matter too much, car crash, maybe? I like how I don't really know whether it's a happy or sad ending. XD Awesome piece. Props!
     

    Zebra Thunderhead

    the avenger
    3,159
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • @Mobile - So why did you even bother to comment if you're just going to be snippy and ignorant?
    @Pichu - Thanks so much for the in depth critique! And you hit the nail right on the head; it's the scene of a car crash. I'll definitely take everything you said into consideration. (: I really appreciate everything you said! :D
     
    You must log in or register to reply here.
    Back
    Top