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Once in a Lifetime

Luna Altaire

Trainer of Moonlight
17
Posts
16
Years
  • Hello, all! Do I have a story for you ! The descriptions I have thought of will make this story my best yet, and maybe it'll even impress Astinus :P

    Well, here it is!

    Prologue

    Hi, my name is Jessica Enmark, but you can just call me Jess. I'm here to tell how I fell in love with someone that would forever change my life...a boy like him only comes once in a lifetime. Let me tell you my story: I was on a normal vacation in Florida on my own for two weeks, and I was five days away from taking a plane back home to New York City, where I lived in a small, crowded apartment with my mother, Jane, my father, George, and my Beagle, Chrissie.​

    Chapter One

    I was lying on a towel at a beach silently, just as the sun was setting. The beach had long, beautifully green palm trees, a pier that reached a mile or two into the ocean, and sand, sand, and MORE sand. I felt awfully bored, so I broke the silence, speaking to myself for ideas of what to do next.

    "This beach is very beautiful and scenic, but unfortunately, I can't stay here forever...." I mused. "What should I do now?" I thought as I realized the sun was completely out of sight, leaving me in darkness. "Maybe I should just go back to the hotel." I figured.

    I packed up my towel and brushed the sand off of my sandals. I began to walk on the long, winding sidewalk that lead to my hotel, the Santa Aria. I was thinking very thoughtfully about what I would do once I got back to the hotel.

    "...And maybe I can just watch TV until I get too tired...I dunno.." I mumbled.

    Suddenly, a voice was heard from behind me that made me jump.

    "Hey, chicky-babe. Lemme help you out with your decision. How 'bout you take me back to your hotel, give me all your money, and then...take a little ride with me? The voice snickered.

    I was petrified. I was well-trained in martial arts, but I could only take on meek victims, and I had no notion of the thieve's size. I raised my hands up into the air, dropping my towel. I turned around to see the man. Although I couldn't see much in the darkness since it was about 9:00 at night, I immediately saw a revolver with a silencer on it aimed right at me. I whimpered.

    "Yeah, you'd better be afraid. This obviously has a silencer, so no one would be able to hear it shoot you down if you didn't comply. NOW MOVE!" The man said menacingly, pushing the gun's barrel into my chest.

    I turned around slowly, hands still raised, and walked at bit of a faster pace, like a bit faster than walking, checking behind my back frequently to see if he still was there. He would just nudge the barrel into my back when I turned, pushing me forward. The road to the hotel was long, and I'd felt like I'd been walking for hours. I soon became annoyed of this holdup and turned around.

    "All right, I'm done walking. Just leave me be," I said.

    "Hey, watch it, little girl. This thing's dangerous enough to kill ya' in one blow. MOVE!" The man yelled.

    He pushed the gun into my chest again, but I pushed it away.

    "What'd I tell you about messing around? You asked for it, little lady!" The man said angrily.

    He pointed the revolver directly at my heart. My heart was racing, my forehead was sweating madly; I had no idea how to get myself out of the situation. I lowered my head shamefully, awaiting my death. Suddenly, I heard another voice.

    "Leave that girl alone!" The voice yelled.

    The voice sounded like it was coming from a kid around my age, 17. I looked up on a small motel rooftop to see a tall, slender boy whose features were hidden by twilight. My hero! I thought. My attacker turned around.

    "Oh yeah, kid? Whaddya YOU gonna do if I don't ?" The man laughed.

    "You'll see." The boy chuckled.

    The boy leaped down towards us and punched his fist into the ground. The thief and I both were sent flying. I screamed for my life. The boy flew up into the air to my surprise, and grabbed me, lowering me back down to the ground. He set me down and asked,

    "Are you okay? You look hurt." His words were serene and calming.

    I coughed.

    "I think so. Who ARE you anyway?" I asked the boy.

    I looked up to see his face, since we were closer and more capable of seeing each other's faces. I saw the same tall boy, except with short, brown hair, big, bushy blackish-brownish eyebrows, warm, chocolate eyes, and a smile that showed justice from ear-to-ear. The boy looked into my crystal blue eyes as well. We stared silently at each other, as if we were in a trance.

    "You're very beautiful..." He mumbled.

    "You aren't bad-looking, yourself." I laughed.

    There were a few more minutes of silence as we stared into each other's eyes. He helped me up and broke the silence, saying,

    "Oh, and sorry for not answering your question," He spoke in a soft, angelic voice. "My name's Jeremy Walker. You can call me Jer. Nice to meet you." He answered. "And who might you be?" He asked.

    "I'm Jessica Enmark. Call ME Jess. Nice to meet you too." I chirped.

    "Delighted to meet you, Jess." He laughed silently.

    He grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to his chest as we began to stare up at the stars. My head slowly fell onto his shoulder as I slowly drifted to sleep in his arms. We truly were in love....​
     
    Last edited:
    10,177
    Posts
    18
    Years
    • Age 37
    • Seen yesterday
    =) Here I am with that review you requested. Just to warn you, I'm not as good reviewing original fiction like I am reviewing fanfiction.

    Prologue

    Hi, my name is Jessica Enmark, but you can just call me Jess. I'm here to tell how I fell in love with someone that would forever change my life...a boy like him only comes once in a lifetime. Let me tell you my story: I was on a normal vacation in Florida on my own for two weeks, and I was five days away from taking a plane back home to New York City, where I lived in a small, crowded apartment with my mother, Jane, my father, George, and my Beagle, Chrissie.
    Prologues are used to show events that take place before the actual story time line. This is all information that you could put right into chapter one somehow, since you begin the chapter with her on vacation.

    I was lying on a towel at a beach silently, just as the sun was setting. The beach had long, beautifully green palm trees, a pier that reached a mile or two into the ocean, and sand, sand, and MORE sand. I felt awfully bored, so I broke the silence, speaking to myself for ideas of what to do next.
    Hey, guess what? This is what I was talking about when I said "more description". I can see the beach in my mind, and when you have Jess say "and MORE sand", I get a feel of her voice. So you improved there.

    "This beach is very beautiful and scenic, but unfortunately, I can't stay here forever...." I mused. "What should I do now?" I thought as I realized the sun was completely out of sight, leaving me in darkness. "Maybe I should just go back to the hotel." I figured.
    You should put the thoughts of your characters in a different format than in quotation marks. You use quotation marks for both thoughts and speech in this story. Keep the quotation marks for speech, and put the thoughts into italics to separate them. Otherwise, there might be some confusion.

    "...And maybe I can just watch TV until I get too tired...I dunno..." I mumbled.
    Missing the last full stop for that ellipses.

    I had no notion of the thieve's size.
    "thief's" ("Thieve" is the verb form, "theif" is the noun.)

    "Yeah, you'd better be afraid. This obviously has a silencer, so no one would be able to hear it shoot you down if you didn't comply. NOW MOVE!" the man said menacingly, pushing the gun's barrel into my chest.
    The dialog tag is part of the sentence, so it's not capitalized.

    "Hey, watch it, little girl. This thing's dangerous enough to kill ya' in one blow. MOVE!" the man yelled.
    Same thing here.

    From here on, I won't correct every instance, since I'm sure you get the idea now. ^^

    "You'll see," the boy chuckled.

    He set me down and asked,

    "Are you okay? You look hurt." His words were serene and calming.
    Should be in the same paragraph.

    He helped me up and broke the silence, saying,

    "Oh, and sorry for not answering your question." He spoke in a soft, angelic voice.
    Same thing here. Should be in the same paragraph.

    "My name's Jeremy Walker. You can call me Jer. Nice to meet you," he answered. "And who might you be?" he asked.

    Okay, just as a question: The evil man was sent flying, and what happened to him? Did he survive? Get mad that this young boy could hurt him? Or the more likely thing, run away in fright?

    Well, I have to say that there is an improvement with your writing between your KH story and this one. You took the time on this, and it shows.

    Grammar still needs help a bit, but that can be solved by looking at the Grammar Advice Guide here, since you mainly have a problem punctuating dialog correctly.

    Other than that, this story looks good! Good luck, and can't wait to see more!
     

    Luna Altaire

    Trainer of Moonlight
    17
    Posts
    16
    Years
  • Good! I was looking forward to a review that had more praise than criticism.

    I'll make the next chapter as good as possible!

    And my grammar probably won't be the best since I'm only in sixth grade...but I'm one of the smarter people in my grade, so hopefully this'll turn out well!
     
    4,001
    Posts
    19
    Years
  • Try to make the dialogue more realistic. I don't think a thief is willing to explain to you what a silencer is when he's about to rob you.

    And I don't think you meant your character to be stupid enough to mess with an armed thief because they become annoying. I'm sure you have heard there's a fine line between bravery and idiocy. Attempting to push a gun away like that when a burglar is aiming it at you at such close range would be an incredibly reckless thing to do.

    Also, she pushes the gun away. He aims it again. She... lowers her head and waits for death? That makes no sense.

    Whaddya YOU gonna do
    Whaddya YOU? Does that mean "What you YOU gonna do" or does it mean the thief is just about as stupid as his victim? o.ó

    I looked up to see his face, since we were closer and more capable of seeing each other's faces. I saw the same tall boy, except with short, brown hair, big, bushy blackish-brownish eyebrows, warm, chocolate eyes, and a smile that showed justice from ear-to-ear. The boy looked into my crystal blue eyes as well. We stared silently at each other, as if we were in a trance.
    Okay... They're on the beach, aren't they? At 9:00 PM, true? Er, is there even enough light under those conditions for her to discern such a detailed image of her savior? If so, you should have stated so in a previous description.

    And does the girl have to stick so much emphasis on certain words when she talks? SERIOUSLY, does SHE really HAVE to?

    He grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to his chest as we began to stare up at the stars. My head slowly fell onto his shoulder as I slowly drifted to sleep in his arms. We truly were in love....
    This is either the worst example of love at first sight, or the best example of rushing I've seen within a love story.


    Sorry if I was too harsh, but you've got loads to improve. Good luck, cheers and I expect to see more from you.
     
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