The True End

***Warning, this post contains graphic material not suitable for young children***






I, Captain MacMillan, hereby declare that I am the most awesome person ever conceived. Younger than that old geezer Solid Snake, cooler than that fat bastard Mario, not as emo as that kid Cloud, not as evil as that psychopath Sephiroth, and sexier than Samus Aran. I can outshoot Carlos "White Feather", and can outrun a Kenyan. In addition to all of this, I have run with wolves and climbed K2. I've even stopped a moving train.

Now I shall tell you of my exploits during my first years in the business.

My first mission took me to a strange land called Kanto. This strange land was inhabited by strange animals that seem to be called "Pokemon." These Pokemon are held in little spherical containers and are used to battle each other for their owner's pleasure. A sick and twisted world to be sure, but I let none of this get to me. I had a mission and I was going to complete it.

My mission was to kill three people who took up arms against our government. The three were Ash Ketchum, of Pallet Town, Misty of Cerulean City, and Brock of Pewter City. I was given little intel on where they could be found. I was given pictures of them, and that was about it. I started my search in Pallet Town, where this Ash Ketchum supposedly lived. I discovered that he had left to fight in some sort of contest. "The Pokemon League" I believe it was called. I soon ascertained the location and set up camp in a location with a good view of the entrance. I waited three days for the targets to show up and when they finally did I was more than ready for them. I laid my sights on the girl's head and squeezed the trigger. Misty's head became nothing more than mist in the air. The two others quickly spun to where they believed I was, and a yellow rat that had been sitting upon Ash's shoulder jumped to the ground, ready for a fight.

Ash began to shout something, but I couldn't hear it over the roar of my rifle. That yellow little fuzzball didn't stand a chance against a .50 Cal bullet. I think what the kid shouted was something along the lines of "Aaachu!!! Thunder!" Though I'm not sure why he would be sneezing or pointing out the weather at a time like this. Regardless, I took another shot and took the poor twerp out of his misery. I also took the brains out of his head, but that's beside the point.

This left one target: Brock. He had managed to throw one of his spherical torture devices to the ground, and what emerged was a beast of giant proportions. It seemed to be a giant snake made of boulders. I took a shot at it, but it didn't seem to have an effect. The beast was protecting my target, so I had to figure out a way to kill it.

Lucky for me I didn't have to do much thinking. Rain began to pour down by the gallons and it seems that my snake-like friend does not like water. It abandoned Brock and raced inside, leaving a large gaping hole in the wall. Brock turned to run inside after it, but I was too quick. I fired a round and blew his left leg clean off his body. As he lay on the ground writhing in pain, I took time to reload my gun and take aim once more. My next shot painted the wall red with blood and brain.

I packed up my gear and headed back to the chopper. My first mission had been a success.

dood your really violent
this is good but really disturbing
whats wrong with you?

How dare you! You killed Misty, Brock and Ash! I hate to say it but your a kind of sick person.

That was just not on dude, not on. I can't even begin to describe how shocked I feel.

I assure you, I am not in the least a sick person, and there is nothing "wrong with me". Death comes to all, whether it be in fiction or in reality. I fail to see how the simple incorporation of death in a story causes one to become labeled as some sort of "sick person."

Probably because you didn't warn for it?

Look, you can have your violence. That's fine. But warn for it. Say "contains character death" or "has violent acts that might be disturbing to some viewers/readers" will lessen the amount of people going "What is that?" when they read your fic because they know not to read your fic because it contains something they don't like.

You have no warning on your fic, nor a proper rating. No one knows what your fic might contain, and reading about death and people's heads getting blown off might be triggers for some people.

So, just...warn for the violence? I mean, you're writing in a fandom where there are children running around looking for adorable stories about Ash and company. They will be shocked when they find something unexpectedly violent because the author couldn't be bothered to warn for something disturbing to people.

Fien. I edited in a warning.

Just not okay
what's next, You killing off DP crew

No, I was actually planning a murder/mystery involving the gym leaders(the original ones).

You have problems
get some help

This fic's a bit odd to me... You've got decent grammar, but it's littered with logic-holes. I'll just get to the review...

I, Captain MacMillan, hereby declare that I am the most awesome person ever conceived. Younger than that old geezer Solid Snake, cooler than that fat bastard Mario, not as emo as that kid Cloud, not as evil as that psychopath Sephiroth, and sexier than Samus Aran. I can outshoot Carlos "White Feather", and can outrun a Kenyan. In addition to all of this, I have run with wolves and climbed K2. I've even stopped a moving train.

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Err… Alrighty, then. It's a bit of an interesting way to introduce your main character… But, considering "Captain MacMillan" is also your username, it makes it sound a heck of a lot like you're just writing all this to insert yourself into a story as this 'incredibly awesome' character. Of course, if your character is purposefully intended to talk about himself like this as a bit of a personality quirk, it's not as big a deal, though it's still pretty jarring… Not many people would realistically give an introduction by comparing themselves to popular video game characters. :/

It'd really be better if you used the story to show your readers why your character is so amazing and awesome and all. Just telling them really isn't going to convince them of anything more than the size of his ego.

My mission was to kill three people who took up arms against our government. The three were Ash Ketchum, of Pallet Town, Misty of Cerulean City, and Brock of Pewter City.

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"Our" government? What government? And, more importantly, why and how did they do that? All of this goes unexplained, which is bound to get your readers questioning the deeper parts of your plot, which apparently haven't been given much thought…

I laid my sights on the girl's head and squeezed the trigger. Misty's head became nothing more than mist in the air. The two others quickly spun to where they believed I was, and a yellow rat that had been sitting upon Ash's shoulder jumped to the ground, ready for a fight.

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Because… Ash would actually risk sending his beloved Pikachu out against someone with a gun? Someone who'd just killed one of his closest friends in cold blood? I'm pretty sure there was actually an episode in which Ash learned just how dangerous and stupid it would be to have a Pokémon attack someone with a firearm. No matter how dumb Ash may be (I myself don't think he's very bright), I seriously doubt his first reaction would be "Pikachu, Thunder!"

Lucky for me I didn't have to do much thinking. Rain began to pour down by the gallons and it seems that my snake-like friend does not like water. It abandoned Brock and raced inside, leaving a large gaping hole in the wall. Brock turned to run inside after it, but I was too quick. I fired a round and blew his left leg clean off his body. As he lay on the ground writhing in pain, I took time to reload my gun and take aim once more. My next shot painted the wall red with blood and brain.

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You know, it makes your character seem a bit unrealistic if the slightest factors (such as the weather) change at the precise moment he needs them to. Despite all its problems this chapter would have been a lot more interesting if you'd had your so-called "awesome" character figure out how to deal with Onix, rather than shove the issue out of the way with a stroke of dumb luck.

Another important thing… Where the heck are the police at this point? If you saw a trio of pre-teens getting murdered in the streets, would you honestly just be standing there watching it happen instead of reaching for the nearest cell phone and dialing '911'? I'm guessing there are other people around, and if there aren't, surely someone would be able to hear the "roar of the rifle" you clearly mentioned. Shouldn't somebody, if not Officer Jenny and her fire-breathing canines, be noticing that a group of kids are getting brutally killed?

And also, I might add…

I assure you, I am not in the least a sick person, and there is nothing "wrong with me". Death comes to all, whether it be in fiction or in reality. I fail to see how the simple incorporation of death in a story causes one to become labeled as some sort of "sick person."

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Yeah, death is usually fine in fics. Everyone dies, and everyone is pretty much okay with reading about death. Not everyone is gonna be fine with your character graphically blasting the brains out of three children just for the sake of doing so. There's a difference between 'death' and 'gory murder'.


All in all, this fic really seems like it was written just because you wanted to have a self-insert character kill off the show's main characters, despite all the logic and plot holes that might create. Sure, I myself would rather have the anime characters gone, too; they're pretty stupid when it comes down to it and usually end up making Pokémon look more 'immature' than it is… But Ash is what, ten? Does it honestly seem reasonable to you for a guy who works for some -completely unexplained- government to come along and shoot three children to death? It'd make a bit more sense if you'd said this fic was taking place sometime in the future and Ash was a good deal older, perhaps, or if you'd actually given some effort at explaining to your readers why Ash and Co. are being murdered in the first place… But seriously.

Not to mention it was a bit too easy for your character to pull such a task off. He didn't even have to risk a Thundershock or explain to any police and wide-eyed pedestrians why he was putting a trio of kids to death. In the most dangerous situation you ended up facing him with (Onix), you simply had the weather make a sudden change, just so he'd have an excuse to make another head explode… If you're going to have your main character do something drastic, it should be a bit more difficult than waltzing in and firing a few lucky bullets. It'd make your fic a bit more exciting, and prevent your already-jarring character from seeming like such a Mary Sue.