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[Pokémon] The Last Riolu

*Riolu Master*

The Aura Within
151
Posts
10
Years
    • Seen Jul 13, 2016
    Prologue

    Spoiler:
    Spoiler:

    Chapter 1
    Spoiler:
     
    Last edited:

    Nolafus

    Aspiring something
    5,724
    Posts
    11
    Years
  • The prologue is a little short. Since it is a prologue, I think I'll allow it to be so short, but please keep in mind that chapters will have to be much longer. Otherwise the thread will be closed.

    As far as the prologue goes, it's interesting. It sets up a possible story, as well as a possible conflict. However, a little more description would be greatly appreciated. I was on the fence about locking this thread because there wasn't any description to be seen.

    Where is Riko and his dad? Are they in a cave? What are they doing? Is it nighttime? Should Riko be going to bed?

    There's so much I want to know, but it just isn't there. Some description would go a long way because right now, there's nothing.

    That being said, I really like the concept. A nice little story to inspire the little riolu all throughout his future endeavors. It gives a bit of backstory that will really help tie the entire story together if done right. All in all, not a bad start, but I would like it to be a little longer.
     

    *Riolu Master*

    The Aura Within
    151
    Posts
    10
    Years
    • Seen Jul 13, 2016
    Chapter 1

    "Ugh, I'm so hungry, so tired." I pouted.

    Well this was my life. My parents had died when I was 14. I'm 17 now and still can't find a job that I'll be good at. I was just another hobo on the streets, asking for extra change. I was so cold. So hungry.
    Once in a while I'd walk around to new spots where more Pokemon were hanging out. But one time there was this strange Pokemon staring at me. I got a closer look and saw that it was a Gengar. Was there something on my face? Was he staring at me because I didn't fit in with the other Pokemon because I was poor? Then, he started to walk toward me.
    "I haven't seen you around here before." Said the Gengar.
    "Really? I'm always around here."
    "Lemme guess, you asking for money?"
    "Yeah.."
    "Hey kid, my wife left me with my child so I got an extra room. You could stay with me for a while until we find yourself a job to get money."
    "R..Really!? Oh, thank you Gengar!"
    "Please, call me Greg."

    I was overjoyed. I was actually jumping a step forward in life! This Gengar, or Greg, is so nice! I can see why he offered. He lived in a creepy forest and his house looked old and torn up. All there was was a couch, T.V and three rooms. Two probably for bedrooms and one probably for the kitchen. And it must be lonely here. But it smelled good, was there an air freshener here?
    Greg said, "This place may look all old and ugly to you, but this is awesome for ghost types."
    "Oh, because it's a haunted house." I said.
    "Yep, when ever no gooders try to spray paint my house I'd love to give them a good scare. It's a habit of mine." Greg said.
    "Cool, thanks again for letting me stay here."
    "No problem! Hey, if you ever get bored I got a T.V here to watch. While you're watching, make sure you watch the ads for jobs that are available. I read the newspaper for jobs once in a while."
    "Wow, thanks!"
    Woooaahhh.
    I just had the biggest yawn ever. I looked at the clock below the T.V. It was 9:30.
    I said, "Hey do you mind if I go to bed right now?"
    "Not at all, but don't you wanna eat first?"
    "I'll just get a midnight snack to fill me up and make a big breakfast in the morning, if that's all right." "I don't mind at all, but I'm a night person so I sleep mostly in the day so try not to wake me up in the morning. Your bed is the door on the right."
    I plopped my self onto the bed. I haven't slept in a bed in three years!
    So this was actually happening. I never gave up on life. I'm finally on the road to a new life. A simple life. With a simple job. And a simple family.

    I woke up at 10:00 in the morning. I never slept that late before. I usually get woken up by the sound of cars or birds. I got up and stretched my arms and legs. My stomach did a loud gurgle. I was so excited to finally have a full meal of breakfast. I really hoped that he had some Chople berries. I went out of my room and didn't see Greg in the T.V room. I guess he was still sleeping, he did say that he sleeps in in the day. I went to the cabinet in the kitchen where I saw only Kasib, Oran, and Apicot berries. I might as well have two of each. I just hoped the there were no bad effects in them. Fortunately, there weren't and I actually felt stronger. I had nothing better to do so I watch T.V to look at ads. There was a poffin making shop looking for new members. But I had no idea about making poffins. Pokemon center? Nope. PokeMart clerk? Nope. Wait.
    It was perfect. A job at the arena. Were I could get paid to fight! I made up my mind. I'm a fighting type so I should be a fighter. Suddenly a news alert came up.
    Breaking news, PokePoffin Shop was robbed with three Pokemon found lying on the ground fainted. From the photos we obtained the figure seem to be short shadowy and round. We will turn in more information about the crime as soon as we can.
    "Wow, why would someone do that?"
    Never mind that, I was on my way to being an arena fighter. But I know that won't be my job forever. I still want to be a hero someday.​




    I hope that's long enough.​
     

    DracoLatch

    http://www.pokecommunity.com/s
    171
    Posts
    12
    Years
    • Seen Dec 1, 2022
    The simple prologue had captured me alive. The sentence made me think for a while. "Though, poor Dunsparce had no hands nor feet so it was very hard for him to actually explore." Had me in love with Dunsparce. Your words have a way of telling a mlion stories in 5 3 letter sentences. I will keep this story in mind. Keep up the great work.
     

    txteclipse

    The Last
    2,322
    Posts
    16
    Years
  • Hey there! Not a bad start. I'm a big fan of the "father telling his son a story" structure, so thumbs up on that.

    One thing I'd heavily recommend is to align the text to the left, instead of to the center. It's quite difficult to read in the current format! Grab a book and check out how they print the text. Everything's aligned to the left side of the page, with an empty line between each paragraph and whenever the speaker changes. It's done that way because it's easier to read: your eyes know to go to the beginning of the page (or screen in this case) after each line. Here's an example of what I mean, using your prologue:

    ***​

    "Once upon a time there was a Dunsparce. The Dunsparce's dream was to be an adventurer. Though, poor Dunsparce had no hands nor feet so it was very hard for him to actually explore. His friend, Spearow, wanted to help, but didn't know what to do. Then, Dunsparce said, Your wings! You can fly me around. The idea was brilliant. The Spearow and Dunsparce flew all around the world, exploring caves and dungeons. They lived happily ever after. The end."

    "Daddy is that story real?" Asked Riko the Riolu.

    "Well yeah. If you wanna do something you'd like to do but can't in your current state, do what Dunsparce did. Never give up. Think of new ideas."

    "Dad, I wanna be a hero when I'm older!" Shouted Riko.

    "Course you do son. Remember, follow your dreams. Never give up."

    "Those words stuck with me for ten years and I kept following my dream of being a hero. Did it come true?"

    "Well, the story of my journey into becoming a hero all started in Crine City."

    ***​

    Like so. That's much gentler on the eyes! Anyway, keep it up!
     
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