Mother

Only posting this 'cause frosty promised to review. ;_;




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"Mr. Ketchum?"

"What is it? I'm trying to rest."

"You have a phone call waiting for you."

I inwardly groaned. The last thing I needed was a phone call. Shifting uncomfortably in the hospital bed, I impatiently waved the nurse away.

"Tell whoever it is I don't want to talk."

The nurse bit her lips, hesitantly explaining, "I did inform her of your illness, sir, but this only made the talk even more urgent-"

"Fine, fine!" I interrupted, snatching the phone. The nurse let out a frightened squeak and scurried out the room.

"Who is it?" I nearly snapped, irritated at the rude awakening. From the line came silence, a slight cough, the rustling of blankets and then a frail, tiny voice.

"Ash? Is that you?"

"Mom?" I gasped in a state of shock, immediately feeling guilty for the earlier outburst. She must've heard everything. "Why did you call? It's late for you there, isn't it?" Standard Kanto time would make it night by now.

"Well, I heard you were sent to a hospital, so I got worried, naturally..." she laughed gently, before commenting softly, "I had hoped you wouldn't mind, but if you're too bothered right now, I can hang u-"

"No," I quickly rushed in, "It's okay. We can talk if you want."

"Alright."

There was a brief moment of uncomfortable silence, engulfing even the static of the line. It reminded me of the time I first got angry at my mom and refused to speak to her for a day. At such young age I probably couldn't have noticed, but for the longest time, I neglected the pain and hurt wedged deep in my mother's eyes.

Of all times, why was I remembering this now?

"How are you?" she suddenly broke the unspoken promise of silence, disrupting my nostalgic visit.

"I'm fine, thanks, mom," I said with a smile.

"Is everything alright there?"

"I'm fine," I reiterated, "just got a bit of an accident earlier. But the nurses and doctors say I should be out in a few weeks, so it should be okay." I sensed her hesitation when I uttered 'few weeks.' "Of course, I can always be let out earlier if I asked," I hastily added in, perhaps to unknowingly induce a tone of optimism.

"Take your time and do things your own way. How did you wind up in the hospital, anyway? You're feeling okay, right?" She sounded concerned and a bit frightened. I felt guilty again, for causing such unintentional feelings.

"It was nothing, mom. I was helping out a few Charizard tamers the other day and one of them accidentally scorched my left arm. I lost my footing and fell, damaging the same arm. The doctor told me it was only a minor third-degree burn. That Charizard was pretty strong, like my old one," I tried laughing for old time's sake, but found it difficult due to the lump forming in my throat. It was foolish trying to cling on to my feeble corporeal manifestation of what was once alive.

"I see," she said quietly, probably thinking the same thing as me, "I'm sorry I didn't find out about this sooner. I-"

"Don't blame yourself, mom," I cut her off, "I mean, it's really nothing. I'm perfectly alright. Don't worry." Why was it that I always took risks when I knew they would inevitably wind up wounding my mother? I mentally sighed. I'll make it up to her when I get back.

"How is the project coming along?" she inquired. I perked up almost immediately.

"It's coming along perfectly," I enthusiastically told her, elated at the topic chance. "Majority of the residents in Orre didn't mind at all and nearly all of them were willing to participate. We're thinking about setting up the traditional gyms in each towns. For the fundings a lot of them are willing to donate. Orre wants an organized system just as much as we do. It's not going to be easy convincing some people already in power, though, but we're doing all we can." I stopped, taking a deep breath.

"Wow," my mom laughed, "you've come a long way, haven't you?" I sheepishly grinned.

"Enough about me, though. How are things in Pallet? I haven't been there in a long time. Gary took over Professor Oak, right?"

She paused.

"Yes. We moved the funeral a day before Sunday, because, well, it was Misty's birthday and people didn't want it to be on the same day..."

"Oh, shoot," I muttered, remembering her 28th birthday. "Can you tell Misty Happy Birthday for me? It's late there, so maybe next time. I can't wait to go back to Pallet and see you all again." I smiled broadly at the prospect.

"When are you planning on coming home?" she asked softly. I failed to catch the hint of sadness in her voice.

"Well, considering my position right now..." I sighed, staring at all the medical equipments. Orre had hospitals, now; imagine! "It's going to be a while. I have to patch things up and as of right now, Orre needs my help, so maybe in a few months?"

She paused again.

"That'll be splendid, Ash. I can't wait to see my little boy all grown u-"

"Mom," I groaned, exasperated. She only laughed.

"Alright, I won't do that again." I vaguely felt her smile's presence, although we were many miles away from each other.

"I have to go now, Ash. It's late, and I'm...I'm a bit tired." I frowned; she sounded weak and drowsy. Perhaps I had kept her too long?

"Go to sleep, mom. It's late there, isn't it?"

"I'm sorry we couldn't talk longer," she apologized. "Good night, Ash," she bid me farewell in her soft, weary tone.

"Good night, mom."

One final pause.

"I love you."

I had to smile at that line, knowing she never neglected to tell me after every phone call, every letter, and every day of my life. I felt happy and sad all at once, knowing I could never give back the same kind of love she had given me. I'll make it up to her when I get back.

"I love you, too."

Click.



I didn't learn my mom had died on that very day until three months later when I finally returned to Pallet Town.


Even then it was too late.



~

Only for you... otherwise, I should be studying for IB Chemistry...
I'll review directly here since it's a oneshot anyway.



Title- 3/5
5 Title is symbolic, highly relevant and unique to the story
4 Title is relevant to and descriptive about the story
3 Title is descriptive, but is not precise in terms of descriptiveness, or is cliché
2 Title is general, and applicable to most stories
1 Title is irrelevant, and applicable to all stories

Although yes it mentions a character in the story, and a vital one too, it doesn't say much more about the story. It mentions a character, but it doesn't exactly reflect the other aspect of the story, especially since your oneshots always uses a realization of some sort as its dramatic ending theme.

Narrative Manner- 4/5
5 Narrative manner is excellent, and adds strength and/or hidden meaning to the story
4 Narrative manner is good, and adds some emphasize to the story
3 Narrative manner is decent, and is suitable to the story
2 Narrative manner is acceptable but not precise, or format is incorrect
1 Narrative manner is poor, and weakens the story

Only reason for a 4 and not a 5 is because if it can be done, scriptfic probably work immensely better. Most of the story is dialogue anyway, and emotions portraited within dialogue's choices of words is always a lot more powerful than narration. However, changing the narrative from narration to script is a huge change and not at all easy to do...

It is pretty tempting to give a bonus just because this is an excellent story to post so close to Mother's Day though.

Grammar/Coherence- 10/10
10 Grammar mistakes are inexistent, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
8-9 Grammar mistakes are rare, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
6-7 Grammar mistakes are uncommon, but story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
5 Grammar mistakes are common, and story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
1-4 Grammar mistakes are common, and story suffers loopholes in plot

None that I know of when I read it... even if there is one, they're far and few, and cannot affect the story by that much.

Major Character(s)- 14/15
14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant
12-13 Major characters are multi-faceted. Most details are highly precise and relevant
11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited. Details are precise and relevant
9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant
7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision.
5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount.
1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters.

Hard to rate, since even the characters are relatively minor for this fanfic, as its focus is on the story details and its structure. The only possible picky thing to say here is that some people may not be very pleased with the success Ash is having with his current job to set up gyms in Orre. I personally am fine with it, as who knows Ash may finally win a league by the time he's 25+ so he maybe allowed to do something like this. Yet, I'm pretty sure that someone out there will whine.

Perhaps the only possible change is one line of Ash to keep him more in character with the rest of the story. Change "...I can't wait to go back to Pallet and see you all again." to "I can't wait to go back to Pallet and see everyone again." There is a minor difference... this way it will reinforce the theme once more.

I am personally tempted to omit this section as well... but then that won't be too right. *rates*

Minor Character(s)- omit/10
9-10 Minor characters are necessary and relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways
7-8 Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story
6-7 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story
4-5 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story
1-4 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story

Obviously this one doesn't apply.

Story Details- 9/10
9-10 Details are relevant, contributing to at least four out of the five story components
7-8 Details are sometimes relevant, contributing to most story components
5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant and verisimilitude is endangered
3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is damaged
1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged

Best part of the story, I think. I actually preferred the short length of this story, as it is reasonably effective to make the last chance for Ash to see his mother so ironically short. The details hinted Delia's upcoming death already.

The dialogues are well designed to point towards Ash's way of thinking about his mom. Ash is rather looking forward to his glorious success as a young adult more than his mother. Ash didn't even ask if his mother is doing well, and even preferred to talk about Gary and Misty over his mother (to drive the theme home, Mrs. Ketchum is to be the slave to buy presents for him too.) That part of the dialogue is really well designed in my opinions.

Conflict- 5/5
5 At least 3 conflicts are present, "good and evil" cannot be divided
4 Many conflicts are present to enhance the plot, "good and evil" are questionable
3 "Man vs. Man" along other conflicts, but "good and evil" are obvious
2 "Man vs. Man" only, good and evil are obvious
1 "Man vs. Man" only, ending is highly predictable

K there is obviously no good and evil... I need to re-make this part of the guide. Either way, the conflict here is obviously ash and himself. It's the only conflict, but that's all this story needs.

Diction/Tone- 12/15
14-15 Diction greatly contributes to story components. Tone is very relevant and suitable
12-13 Diction contributes to story components. Tone is suitable but not always relevant
10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant
8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but always relevant
6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant
1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author

Refer to the story detail section... I think it says it all about the story already. If every word is to be carefully chosen again, then perhaps it's possible to make Ash even more egotistic, or use more first person pronouns just to emphasize the "I" feelings.

I think that Delia is probably aware of her own bad health right? Perhaps then her tone can sound even weaker to reinforce that fact. More lines that are similar to "I can't wait to see my little boy all grown u-" or any other nostalgic statements (you know, the mother type of stuff) can certainly help.

Story Structure- 12/15
14-15 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components
12-13 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components
10-11 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components
8-9 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components
6-7 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components
4-5 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components
1-3 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components

Refer to the summary at the end...

Effort- 8/10
9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Author's re-read and editing are apparent.
7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary.
5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary.
1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices.

Only possible way to improve for this story without dramatically changing it is to think of using higher skills of writing, such as symbols, motifs or as you've mentioned before, more anecdotes, in order to convey the same meaning. Dramatic irony is certainly present, but situational Irony sounds pretty plausible to be added in here, so maybe consider that. Motif sounds really helpful for this too. Otherwise, I don't see much room to move around...


Total: 77/90 => 86/100

I was looking around this place and notice how much it changed from a busy chain-story producing forum to just an innactive hole full of mediocre stories. But yours is the exception. You didn't write some stupid shippy fanfic or a journey fic or some Eevee Mary-Sue. You did something unique and I praise you for that.

I read this on serebii and I have enjoyed it just as much. :)

Wonderfully written, and a neat way to write the story that made the meaning all the more powerful. Well done lily! *hugs*

This is great!! Your one shot masterpieces are awesome!! It's not against the rules to revive old threads in this forum is it..? Is this by any chance a prequel to lilies?

Neo Groudon said:

Your one shot masterpieces are awesome!! It's not against the rules to revive old threads in this forum is it..?

Click to expand...

Um, there is a sticky rules thread that you should read before posting in this section, so that questions like this are not asked because they are already answered.

You are not the author of this thread. The thread is nearly three years old. According to PFF&P rules, the thread gets closed. I would advise you, Neo Groudon, to read the rules before posting again.