View Full Version : Extra advice on new story

February 8th, 2007, 3:52 PM
Ok,so it failed at Serebiiforums,im gonna need advice on it to improve it.The title is "Toon Intersection, Pokemon style.The Reality of Disney"

Spoiler preview(no forum edits,fresly cut/pasted from file):
Toon Intersection
Pokemon Style
The Reality of Disney

Chapter 1: Toon Intersection’s birth.

It was not too long ago, the 3 main Toon Groups, Disneyans, Looney Tunes, and The United Anime, got bored. They hoped one day they could go with some other universe and play. One day, The Disneyans and Looney Tunes came up with a city called Toon Intersection, little could they realize, they were thinking exactly the same.
With their powers that go against the laws of physics, The Disneyans and Looney Tunes started on half and half on the city, when reached the area that could be Downtown, they met. Their leaders, Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny had set a treaty that the whole town would be shared by both.
What became of The United Anime? Nobody knew until 1996, when Pokemon was born. The United Anime got brighten up and got used to their boring-now-exciting pointy nosed life.
Nintendo, a sub Toon Group had some concerns about Pokemon being with The United Anime too. Why? Mario, the leader of Nintendo had the answer, but never revealed it. Even his semi enemy Wario was worried.

This was how Toon Intersection came to be. For many years the town was happy… or so it seemed. A few from Looney Tunes suspected that Disney, had something to hide.

Chapter 2: Why, Disney? Why?

Underground in a burrow, is a global favorite, Bugs Bunny. Now he is sleeping, and dreaming.

“Why, where am I?!” exclaimed Bugs. He stared around realizing he was in Disney’s tower base of Toon Intersection. With his curiosity killing him, he entered the tower base. It seemed forsaken, so Bugs Bunny explored. He realized the elevators worked, he entered one. “‘Mickey top ’? Where could this be?” said Bugs. He pushed the button and away he went. It took 10 minutes, but it was worth it.
When he got to the top he saw Mickey, Donald, and Goofy, working, on something. He eavesdropped carefully.
“Sooner or later, this project will be done, hehehehe.” started Mickey “If we’re careful, we will win everything. And firstly, get rid of ALL the toon groups.”
“And use this project to get rid of The Looney Tunes!!!” blurted Goofy. His voice seemed to echo.
“Quiet blurt mouth!” whispered Mickey “They might hear us!”
Bugs Bunny didn’t have to eavesdrop anymore, he knew they were breaking the treaty. “Oh My God!!” blurted Bugs suddenly. He covered his mouth, but Donald turned and spotted him “Intruder!” he screamed. Bugs fainted. He found himself in bed. “Oh no!” he said “Why, Disney? Why?”

Microsoft Word Preview:

Yami Rui
February 8th, 2007, 3:57 PM
If you could put the Story Preview in spoiler tags, that would be greatly appreciated since I can't open Microsoft Word files.

Why did it fail at SPPF, there are tons of helpful and good authors there and ther's a fanfiction talk thread there and a Writer's Lounge. Is anyone helping you there?

I'll post more once I can actually read the preview.

February 8th, 2007, 4:10 PM
edited.though the MW preview looks better

Yami Rui
February 8th, 2007, 4:19 PM
http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=193665 Found your thread and it looks like you quit from SPPF cause you got some critisizim and couldn't take it, so you left so you wouldn't have to face truthful posts.

You wanna go improve, then go read the Fanfiction Guide's in the Writer's Lounge. Understand how to actually write a fic instead of rushing this load of blah, description, background into the discussions on the creation of Toon Intersection, actual spacing out between paragraphs.

February 8th, 2007, 6:24 PM
Are you going to quit everytime that someone gives you some advice? Ignoring the first post on your thread, because that didn't actually give you advice, the second one did. She told you that it takes more than just ten minutes to write out a chapter.

It's true.

Chapters aren't really only a few paragraphs long. Your's are too short to really get anything across in terms of story, characters, or anything. You need more in these chapters. Show us the settings that the characters are in. Don't just say: "Bugs was in his hole in the ground". Show us the dirt hole in the ground. Is it dark, lighted, small, big, etc? Describe the settings and the characters. Sure, I have a mouse pad of Bugs Bunny, but what if there is the exceptionally rare case that someone doesn't know Bugs? What are they supposed to picture?

Also, your characters are out of character from what we know. Mickey Mouse isn't an evil dictator. He's just a cute mouse, everyone's friend and brings out the good in people.

And yes, there are Fanfiction rules. Every forum has them, at least the ones that I have been on, which is a lot. You need to read them and follow them. The ones on SPPf say to not post more than one chapter per post. Why? Because your chapters are supposed to be long, three pages at least. If you need to fit two in one post to create the illusion that they are long, then there is a problem.

Don't skimp out on writing. Take your time with it. No one is going to sue you if you don't post your chapters quickly. In fact, they will appreciate it, because it is a quality story.

Hope that helps.