Barrels

I'm sorry! I'm so sorry I have failed you again! I think the problem is that I see talking to you as so important that I feel the need to sit down when I have a good chunk of time and reply to you, rather than just dashing out a five-second job like I do to most other people :P

Also I will never post you a Johnny Cash song, I'll post you things that are far more fabulous. Perhaps kittens playing with string, or dogs howling at ambulance sirens. Something in the animal theme.

Or perhaps I'll just give you some Bad Lip Reading. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjGk_jU6t5A

And some *****y Resting Face. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3v98CPXNiSk

This should keep you going for the time being :P

Soon the recognition of my importance will come to pass at work! In one short week I will be the manager and I am ****ting bricks more than ever :D

Dare accepted, my friend. Dare accepted :P

So something interesting happened to me today. Actually no it didn't, I just thought that if I typed those words out then some amusing anecdote may present itself to me in a Saint-Paul-on-the-road-to-Damascus-type blinding flash, but alas no. My life is boring.

Oh! Have I told you that I'm going to be the store manager of my liquor store for a month starting August 15? I'm ****ting bricks about it, but at the same time I'm oddly excited. I'm happy about the prospect of feeling somewhat important. Like if there is any trouble with the store while I'm not there, it'll be me that they call to sort it out. And I'll be like, telling people what to do and stuff! The down side is the pressure and stress of being in charge of every aspect of the store and essentially doing my own job and the managers (because they don't give me an assistant manager for just a one-month stretch). Anyway yeah blah blah blah I hope I don't tank it lol.

What's going on with you, Sue?

I literally cannot believe that I just watched a Johnny Cash video from beginning to end. Furthermore, I cannot believe that I kind of liked it.

I literally sat down to reply to you last night and then my friend texted me wanting to go for a McDonalds run and then all of a sudden I was at McDonalds as if by sheer lack of will!

I will name my infant child Rasputin, do you think this will have a negative effect on his life? The biyatch I had sex with to create him is using this as Exhibit A in the court case as to why I should not be allowed within 50 feet of him, but I stand by my naming choices. It will build character you see.

I swear to Jesus I replied to that last message lol - oh the days just go by so quickly lately it's hard to keep track of what I've done and what I haven't!

I'm sorry I suck :(

But yeah in answer to your question there is surprisingly little going on with me! Since the entire liking-my-roommate saga, my love life has run dry, so it's just a cycle of hanging out with friends and working... so much working. Oh the working. You don't want to hurry into full-time work, let me tell you that much.

I'm about to go to bed because I have to get up at 7am for more of the working, but we shall talk again very soon!

We'll even get back to the good times when I had the energy to exchange witty banter! :P

(You really do need to get Facebook - suppose PokeCommunity shuts down one day without a word and I'm left with nothing but your name and the vain hope that one day you may appear on my Skype online list?)

Hey I sent you TWO VMs - to neither of which you have replied! TO NEITHER OF WHICH!

I has the abandonment issues!

And I will watch the video when I'm alone in my room, I'm with my roommates at the momo :P

As much as I appreciate my cake, I am dying with anticipation over your predicament with the ladies! What happened tell me everything! I assume it's not good since you've taken a while to feel OK, so I worry about you :(

Also,

You have not yet updated me on how the things in your life have gone since our chat!

I wish for this to be rectified at once!

I'm sorry! I only came online for a little bit and then had to leave again!

Good news is though.... I HAVE THE INTERNET! I AM BACK FOR REAL-REAL (not for play-play!)

Now that I'm back in the game, first things first. You are in high school. You are. I'm aware that the British people call it "college" in the last two years and go to a different building so they can feel all special and grown up, but it's high school. It's Year 11 and 12. Silly Britons :P

Now - well I can no longer say that I no longer drink, because I've tried quite a few alcohol beverages and even felt what I think might be the early stages of feeling tipsy (note that I say the early stages, my tolerance for alcohol seems to be abnormally high considering i've never drunk before - then again I've mostly been drinking the girly concoctions that are like 4% alcohol). However, I will give you my logic for not drinking before.

The logic I had at the time was a few things: Firstly, I believed I had an addictive personality which led to me being the obese thing I used to be, so I thought alcohol was probably not a good idea for me. Secondly, I had tried a few sips of alcohol before and found that they either tasted awful or left a burning sensation in my throat which I didn't like. Thirdly, I had this idea in my head that you don't need alcohol to have fun and that people who begin drinking start to become to dependent on it for a good time, which is very sad.

Now looking back on it, I realise that I was lonely and had very few friends (none of whom would have wanted to drink) and was fooling myself into thinking I was above all the fun people in my age group were having to make myself feel better. Now, of course, I'm not a teenager anymore and I've wasted the last four years of my life sitting in a chair when I could have been out and about doing things and experiencing life like real lifelike people tend to do!

So now I've wasted my clubbing and wild party drinking years, which is not something I want you to do. You use these years, have the fun I never did! Don't go too wild though, we don't want to lose our Barrels in a cloud of alcohol :P

LOL that pic, my God I had no idea. I took like four or five of them trying to make it look just right and then it turns out my body does innuendo for me even when I'm not trying. That's how advanced I am, you see.

I hope the sunshine has come back to your universe now that I have returned!

Also look at the picture thread there's a better picture of my new hair :P

You are my Barrels. I could call you Greg, or Gregory, or Mr Gregory Chalmers the Third, but you are my Barrels and you are to remain as such until the end of time. Even if we were ever to meet in person, I think I would still call you Barrels because you are my Barrels and that is just the way it is!

You will immediately show me this JONAS recap which isn't about JONAS the second you finish it, right? Right? I want to see the fruits of your independence! Back when I was writing more, I remember I only used to like doing it when nobody else was home, because not only were my family distracting, but if I were writing when they were home I sort of felt like they could see what I was writing and judge it, even though they couldn't. As though their eyes burned holes into the back of my laptop, through the layers of gay porn Firefox tabs and into my creative works :P

Lookie, here's that picture!

Oh my Barrels I've missed you too! So so much! Unfortunately I'm not back yet; I don't have internet at this house yet so I'm still without my Barrels time :( fortunately I have internet tonight as my parents lent me an Internet dongle in its dying days, so I have it for tonight and I have it tomorrow night too because I spend Tuesday nights with my family... but other than that I'm still waiting on installation :(

So yes anyway life and independence! Let me paint you a picture of what independence looks like:

I'm currently sitting on my roommate's bed using my laptop (yes, that roommate) while he plays an X-Men game on the PS2 I lent him and a crappy old TV that his former housemates left behind. I have a bottle of alcoholic pear cider I got free from work that I'm drinking just because I wanted something fizzy and we have no soft drink left because we didn't go shopping yesterday on shopping da...actually you know what? I have the Internet tonight, instead of painting you a picture I'll just take you one.

Hai! I did get your PM (I actually read it on my phone while I was sitting right next to him lol) and I will get to it and The Continuing Adventures of the Goblin King, but maybe not for another week or so. Becauuuuse, we finally got a place and I'm moving in on Saturday! :D

More details later when I have the time again, but for the next week or so I don't think I'm gonna have a lot of one-on-one time with just me and the Internet lol.

Thank you so so so so much for the PM. It made me feel a whole lot better, which is something you are uniquely gifted at doing. We shall talk soon! :D

I'm so sorry! My internet stopped working last Thursday and this is the first time I've seen the internet in a week! But that isn't the only reason I've been away (though even if the other reason didn't exist, I didn't have internet so I guess it was the only reason I was away but I need to segue into a story so that was my way to do it. Deal with it.)

Last Thursday, my roommate who I was falling for asked me if I liked him. I danced around the question for a bit before finally answering yes, and then he told me that he liked me too. Then we went to his room to figure out what we were going to do about this, and I said I'd like to try a relationship and he agreed and then he kissed me and gave me a really affectionate hug. But then by the end of the night when I had gone home, we were texting each other and he said we need to take a while to think about it and if it's worth risking the friendship.

Two days passed, it was now Saturday and after some long hard thought I decided that yes I would like to risk it because I truly believe he is worth it. He came to a different conclusion. So he gave me a taste of what it would be like to be his boyfriend, made me want it and then changed his mind. So I spent the last two hours of my work shift choking back tears and then left twenty minutes early and burst into tears the second I closed my car door.

I feel like I didn't tell that story right, like I was too matter of fact about my heart breaking... or maybe there wasn't enough humour, or something. I don't know, but I've felt pretty crappy ever since :(

The one bright spot is that he said I was his best friend and we would be best friends for life. It still feels a bit hollow right now, but I guess I'll grow to appreciate it in time.

He seems to be over it already, which also hurts. When we hang out now it's completely normal, as though nothing ever happened. I think I'm taking it so hard because this is the first time anything like this has ever happened to me whereas it's probably the 17000th that he's dealt with it, but yeah.

...when you tell these kinds of stories you tell them so much better! I feel like I rushed through it somehow lol. Oh well, I don't really fancy reliving it again so there you have it :P

It also occurs to me that we usually talk about that sort of stuff in PM, but I'm not copying and pasting now :P

BUT ONTO BRIGHTER NEWS, THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF OUR FAVOURITE GOBLIN KING!

I love our story too. The goblin was your stroke of genius, I can take no credit for that whatsoever... the chlamydia on the other hand was all me :P.

...there's a sentence I never thought I'd say.

Anyway, without further ado, before you get so emo you start listening to decade-old Green Day songs, here is the continuing adventures of The Goblin King!

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One warm, windswept morning in the East Midlands, the Goblin King woke up and crawled out of his cave. '*****,' he yawned to no one in particular, 'ow.'

He reached down and rubbed his genitals gingerly. His chlamydia was finally beginning to clear up, but it still ached, particularly in the mornings.

Wait a second.

Chlamydia?

'From which ladygoblin did I catch this pestilential infection?' roared the Goblin King at the empty skies. Suddenly, and not a little disconcertingly, he realised that he appeared to be suffering from short-term memory loss.

Damn, that must have been some party.

Half an hour later he heard a thump at the entrance to his cave and wandered out to find his royal assistant looking very anxious.

"Master, the leprechauns are attacking the village!" he trilled in a voice too high to belong to any heterosexual goblin. The Goblin King sprang into action immediately, grabbing his goblin-crafted sword and scratching himself to no one in particular.

There was a soft, uncomfortable cough from behind him. 'Master,' the High-Pitched-H'Assistant ventured hesitantly, 'I hope that scratch wasn't intended for me.'

The Goblin King smiled, which was a highly unpleasant sight. His cracked grey-green lips peeled back to reveal not one, not two, but six rows of jagged teeth, filed to points sharp enough to cut diamonds.

Then -

'Hang on,' the Goblin King rumbled dangerously, and his servant quailed like a quail. 'Leprechauns? Lepre-f**king-chauns?'

'Yes, master...'

'We're in the East Midlands,' boomed the King, drawing himself up to his full and majestic five-foot height. 'I specifically mentioned that in my interior monologue. We are not in Ireland, you high-pitched excuse for a bootlicking underdog.'

"Yes, sire, this is why they call it an attack! If we were in Ireland they'd call it potato farming!"

"You dare sass me, you little breeder!" roared The Goblin King, who we forgot to mention answered to the name of Eugene. He picked up his assistant by the throat and threw him out of the cave, charging out after him with his sword in his right hand and a tuft of his servant's throat hair in the left. He had some leprechauns to kill.

I'm sorry! It's been uploaded, but i still haven't had it fixed haha. I'll get right on it, I swear!

Also I don't have time to do more Goblin King right now because I'm about to go out house hunting, but rest assured, the next installment will be soon :P

also i wuv you ;)

Honestly, I hadn't even noticed your ****** writing until you pointed it out yourself :P

As much as I love your fancy formatting, I won't be able to replicate it, so lets just continue!

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One warm, windswept morning in the East Midlands, the Goblin King woke up and crawled out of his cave. '*****,' he yawned to no one in particular, 'ow.'

He reached down and rubbed his genitals gingerly. His chlamydia was finally beginning to clear up, but it still ached, particularly in the mornings.

Wait a second.

Chlamydia?

'From which ladygoblin did I catch this pestilential infection?' roared the Goblin King at the empty skies. Suddenly, and not a little disconcertingly, he realised that he appeared to be suffering from short-term memory loss.

Damn, that must have some party.

Half an hour later he heard a thump at the entrance to his cave and wandered out to find his royal assistant looking very anxious.

"Master, the leprechauns are attacking the village!" he trilled in a voice too high to belong to any heterosexual goblin. The Goblin King sprang into action immediately, grabbing his goblin-crafted sword and scratching himself to no one in particular.