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JukeboxTheGhoul

JukeboxTheGhoul

Rocking Round the Clock From England
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  • N
    Aquataris, buddy, that last post in Birth of Legends was a little bit on the short side. Like, a lot actually. Even if you are talking to someone else, you can still add in details about you and how you are feeling, about what you see in the surroundings, stuff like that. Just giving you a heads up, k?
    Dawn
    Well I'll be. That actually does look a lot better. I conferred with Megaman765 and... you're accepted, under the condition that you can keep up a decent quality of writing. ...You should be proud of yourself.
    Dawn
    That's a good start. Are they hard workers? Do they easily understand and sympathize with others? Are they completely selfless? If not, these are other common flaws you might consider listing. Regardless, I wish you the best of luck improving the SU. c:
    JukeboxTheGhoul
    There's two flaws, Phobia of flying types and Afraid of Darkness, Periods? but I'll get on it I Downloaded it. I tried out the thing and go have a look.
    Dawn
    Alright. The name, age, gender, dorm, and appearance are all fine.

    The personality is a bit short. Perhaps you could expand on that a bit? Another thing about the personality is that you haven't listed anything that could be taken as a flaw. o.O Perhaps you didn't intend to make him come off as lacking any flaws, but just didn't write any of them down. That'd be a good place to start. c:

    The history is... also a bit short. It seems like you're trying to explain a bit too much in too little words. There are also sentences that lack punctuation marks such as periods.

    These parts come to mind

    "His cousin gave him a Pokéball in private when he went round his house" (You should expand on this a bit)
    "then out of no where came a Evee" (The perspective is a bit awkward off the tongue. Perhaps it was that your character simply suddenly noticed the Eevee after falling?)
    "This has never happend before..." (Perhaps this would be better phrased "I've never seen this happen before...")
    "He ran over the bridge and down the several twisty roads he saw the acadamy and looked at his Pokéball Yeah! He scampered in a enrolled." (The academy is sort of on an island in the middle of the ocean... x3 It's reachable by boat.)

    Perhaps if you can make some improvements we can talk about accepting you. I apologize for having to throw all this at you.

    Oh, and here's a pretty easy to use spelling and grammar checker for the internet. It'll catch most of the errors you make if you're interested. It's very useful for roleplayers.

    Links below
    Chrome Version
    Firefox Version
    E
    Don't care if it's my place to say it or not, but I can see why oHV. denied you.

    Let's start with the grammar, shall we? Letters capitalized in places they shouldn't be capitalized, punctuation poorly misplaced or missing at certain points, sentences that look like they were written by a five-year-old, terrible, terrible spelling...

    Next, the length. The personality may have as many sentences as oHV. asked for, but most of those sentences are short and very vague. How is she "quite focused"? How is she "intelligent"? You need to give examples, and flesh out those sentences.

    Finally, the Appearance. I am honestly guilty of having based some of my characters off of obscure existing characters, but Touko/Whitlea/Hilda for an appearance? Talk about uncreative :/

    I don't mean to sound mean, but you have a lot to learn. And before you say "But I was the first to post my SU", keep in mind that it doesn't matter if you were first, second, last, etc. Even if there's only a number of spots, it isn't a race to see who can post his or her SU first.
    O
    Yes, you were the first to post. However, as it was denied,I moved to the next available SU's, and thus you lost your spot. It doesn't matter if you were the first to post your SU; I don't believe in the preferential treatment. Yours was denied, and once your spot was opened up, it just so happened that there was already a poster in desire of a spot. I'm not intentionally "crapping" on you, but that's just how it goes.


    Also... If you see nothing wrong with it, then that is fine. I do however, and it is denied.
    O
    You can fix it, yes, however there are now no open spots due to reserves, and then the acceptance of two other people after denying yours. You can re-submit your fixed version of your SU, but submit it via PM. The roleplay topic is becoming very cluttered already.
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