Actually, you could describe the plot and setting a bit more. For now, I don't really understand... much at all ^^' And it's usually a good idea to stick to a single color of the text in the whole post, or at least only a few and not very bright ones. Makes for better readability. And you should press "ENTER" a few more times between rows, to create several paragraphs with spaces between them.
Like I just did. This greatly improves the readability of the post and makes your RP look neater. It's denied for now.