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Old September 20th, 2007 (5:35 PM).
diamondpearl876's Avatar
diamondpearl876 diamondpearl876 is offline
you can breathe now. x
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Illinois, USA.
Age: 23
Nature: Careful
Posts: 1,563
I've always thought that the mythology from the Canalave City library was pretty interesting, and I haven't seen any fics with the mythology being part of the plot. I don't know if it is going to be for this story yet (unless I'm stupid and missed something).

I do like how you didn't make one big blob paragraph about the character's looks. You added them into the story gradually without boring me to death, so, good job.

I also like the dialogue; it may not be right grammar-wise, but it IS how some people, including myself, talk in real life.

I think the details of what happened to the man at first could be have been done better . . . I mean, what attack did this Venonat use? I can't picture anything happening to him, unless it is supposed to be like that.

There's still a few grammar errors I see, and yes, I am going to nitpick every single one because of my lack of reviews lately:

The female called Bunny turned around, screamed, and drop the book when she saw two women.
Drop should be dropped.

One looked in her early fifties and has white hair touching her skinny shoulders.
You changed tenses on me. Has is present tense with the way you put it, and, by the looks of it, you're aiming for your story to be past tense.

Her green eyes blinked a few times. Another woman looked the same age as Bunny, but a few inches taller then her and with a bow on her short blond hair.
Then should be than. 'Than' is used when comparing two things; in this case, you were comparing the woman's height to Bunny's height.

After Bunny said that last sentence, she laughed in embarrassment and then had half-closed her light blue eyes.
I don't see a reason for the word "had" to be there. o.o

He felt his blood pressure rose. Memories of what happened came back to him.
Rose should be rise.

“All right, say Pikachu!” said a bald man holding a camera.
Nothing wrong here but I thought the Pikachu thing was pretty cute.. XD

Darkness blanketed the tree covered Riverbank Street. Outside, the pleasant musical tunes of Kricketunes can be heard.
You switched tenses again.. "can" should be "could". =o

No smile or frown on Jenny’s mouth. The man sighed.
The first sentence just looks like a fragmented one.. perhaps "No smile or frown appeared on Jenny's mouth."?

Yeah, I think that's it. Overall, this was great for a beginning; lots of mysteries and questions to be answered and revealed which keeps me wanting to read more. So, I'll be waiting for chapter one.. =)
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