I was granted permission from the great Hanako Tabris herself to review this, seeing as it's all alone, in need of help.
Pokemon goes to school: Season 1
Chapter 1: Hellooooooo new school!
In this wonderful Pokemon world there's these three nice pokemon called Turtwig, Piplup and their leader, Pikachu. They live in the number one most voted town pokemon paradise. They've been best friends since preschool. Right now they were at home having fun. As you can see, it was the last day of summer. Just about now, Piplup and Turtwig were walking to Pikachu's house. Piplup then knocked on Pikachu's door. Pikachu answered the door.
"Happy last day of summer Pikachu!" Piplup said.
"Thanks! Pikachu, come on in!" Pikachu said.
When Pikachu let turtwig and piplup inside, he walked them to his room.
"Oh hi Piplup and turtwig!" Pikachu's Mom perked, as Pikachu led both Piplup and turtwig towards his room.
"Ms.Pikachu's mom!" Piplup and Turtwig exclaimed in Unison, surprised as her sudden appearance.
"Where are your taking your friends pikachu?" Pikachu's mom questioned.
"To my room, of coarse Mom," said Pikachu
"Oh, but before you go, would you like some freshly baked Poke blocks?" Ms. Pikachu asked.
"No thanks!" Turtwig, Piplup and Pikachu said in unison.
Pikachu continued walking up stairs. Once he opened his door he pullled a box from under his bed. It had only school supplies in it.
"Wow! thats a lot of school supplies," Piplup said.
"Thanks! You got to take the best school stuff on the first day of school!" Pikachu happily exclaimed.
"Yeah, I guess your right," Turtwig said.
"I wonder if we're in the same classroom," Pikachu wondered.
"Don't remind me," Turtwig said.
"Sorry," Pikachu said.
"Well see you guys tommorow!" Turtwig exclaimed.
"Bye!" Piplup and Turtwig said together
"Bye!" Pikachu exclaimed.
As soon as piplup and turtwig left pikachu's room pikachu jumped into bed and turtwig, pikachu, and Piplp both said hope you have a nice day at school.
Chapter 2 coming soon! And now a sneak peak of chapter 2! It smeems on the 1st day of school piplups late! Piplup: {looks at clock.] on no! im' late for school!
Okay... Now, please explain, why, in nearly two months time, you haven't been able to do the simple command of copying and pasting that into your first post?
So... anyone else got new ideas to help me in my story?
In all fairness, even if giving you ideas for your story was the right thing to do, which it isn't, and which no one would probably do because you have ignored basically all posts within this thread except for your own.
It's your story, you do what you want to do with it... Never ask the fans what they want you to do with it, that just causes SPAM, and, most importantly, a bad fan fiction that probably won't make any sense. I advise you to pretend you never made that comment.
Chapter 2: Late,Late,Late!
You know, the space button was created for a reason:
Chapter Two: Late, Late, Late!
It was a beutiful morning at Pokemon town on the first day of School.
Mispelled 'beautiful'. Should be a capital on 'Town'.
Meanwhile, Piplup was still sleeping in his bed, Intill his alarm clock ringed.
You mean he was sleeping in his bed,
until his alarm clock
rang?
Piplup then pushed the button after a few seconds.
The 'then' isn't really needed.
Piplup tirdley got out of his bed, and then into his bathroom.
I'll take it you mean 'Tiredly', and that once he got out of his bed, he went to the bathroom.
Piplup then put some toothpaste on his toothbrush.
Yet again, leave out the 'then'... That rhymes.
then he dicided to look at the clock.
Then he looked at the clock?
Piplup:[Still tired.] Oh....it's only 4:00...
Um... Script equals no in this lifetime, sorry buddy:
Piplup looked up at the clock, he was still tired. "Oh, it's only four O' Clock."
Piplup ten started to brush his teeth, intill he quickly looked at the clock agian.
I think you mean he 'then' started to brush his teeth, 'until' he looked up at the clock 'again'.
Piplup threw his toothbrush and toothpate,and zoomed to his backpack.
Where did he throw his toothbrush and 'toothpaste', may I ask? And where was his bag that he zoomed over to?
Piplup then headed downstairs for the door.
Your first proper sentence today.
Piplup's Mom: Have a nice day at school sweetie.
Scripting = no.
"Have a nice day at school, sweetie." Piplup's mum said.
"Yeah, okay Mom!" Piplup said as he opened the door to see the bus drive off down the street without him.
Piplup: Hey,Wait up! Aw...crud...
"Hey!" Piplup shouted at the bus. "Wait up! Aw... Crud...
Then Piplup saw Pikachu and Turtwig running to him.
Okay, fair enough.
Turtwig: aw man, we missed it to.
"Oh man, we missed it 'too,'" Turtwig groaned.
Piplup: What?! You missed it too?
Piplup was gobsmacked. "What? You missed it too?"
Pikachu: Yeah! So how are we going to go to School now?
"Yeah!" Pikachu told him. "So how are we going to get to school now?"
Piplup: Hmmmm...Oh I know! Turtwig, use your vine whip on the road!
Piplup muttered to himself for a few seconds before saying; "I know! Turtwig, use Vine Whip on the road!"
Turtwig was confused, "Okay..."
Piplup: Now use those vines to lift your body up.
"Now use you vines to lift your body up!" Pikachu commanded.
Pikachu: Piplup are you sure you know what your doing?
Piplup, are you sure you know what you're doing?" Pikachu asked.
Piplup: Trust me Pikachu.
"Trust me," Piplup replied.
Piplup: Piplup then grabed Pikachu and hopped on Turtwig's back.
Piplup grabbed Pikachu and hopped on Turtwig's back.
Piplup: Now use your vines to run after that bus!
"Now use your vines to help us catch up with the bus!" Piplup shouted.
Turtwig: Ok! Piplup:Hang on Pikachu! Turtwig then ran after the bus as quickly as possible.
Turtwig nodded, "okay, Piplup. Hang on, Pikachu!" Turtwig ran after the bus at full speed.
My Mom said I have to stop , But i'll write more, Sorry!
Um... Right... Don't break flow like that.
Okay, a few pointers:
1). Description, and beleive me, you need a lot of it. What's a Piplup, and a Turtwig, and a Pikachu? You could've at least said a blue penquin, a dog made of grass, and a yellow mouse.
2). When you're writing, use speech marks: " and ", instead of your script way, which makes it extremely hard to read.
3). When you move onto a new paragraph, or a someone begins to speak, hit the enter button twice.
4). Write this out on Microsoft Word, it'll correct your spelling mistakes and will help make this look more professional.
5). If someone does out your chapter for you, don't ignore it, copy and paste it.
6). Make the character's more believable, right now, none of them have personality... They're all robots.
7). Age means nothing, I mean that... You can write brilliantly if you put effort into it.
There are more things to add, but we'll touch on those later.
So, if you listen to the reviewers, who are only here to help, and get your grammar sorted out, this fan fiction will find it's way out of the Revision Bin in no time at all.
So, work on all of that, and I'll be looking forward to the next installment!
