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Old July 21st, 2008 (7:27 AM).
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Sydian Sydian is offline
  • Crystal Tier
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Alabama
Age: 24
Nature: Timid
Posts: 32,086

No. Uh-uh. Okay, first off, the 'introduction' is not needed. Second, all your sentences end with a period, and majority of them are fragments.

Your dialogue doesn't even have any punctuation, even though it will say something like:

"Hi Dad" Lucas exclaimed.
If he's exclaiming something, there should be an exclamation point.

And don't even get me started on description. What does Lucas look like? His father? Route 201? Sandgem town? Not to mention Lucas' accomplishments are so cliche. He captured Palkia, became the champion, and saw Arceus.

The Kantonions (people from Kanto)
You know, this makes us readers and reviewers feel that you think we're stupid. I mean really. Kantonians? I think we can understand where they came from.

Point blank, go read the grammar stickies, make your chapters longer, and make more sense in the plot.
≫ they took a little look at my heart
they found a prince living behind bars ≪

challenges | klippy